Work Text:
*phone ringing*
Q: “Hello?”
Mycroft Holmes: “Quinn! Thank goodness. It’s Mycroft.”
Q: “Oh, hello Mycroft. Is something the matter?”
MH: “Yes, actually. I was rather hoping you would be able to lend me a hand.”
Q: “Of course, I’ll do what I can. What is it?”
MH: “Somebody has gone missing. Somebody rather important actually, and I was hoping you’d be able to track them down. My people have got plenty of information, but not enough power for ‘field work’, and so I called MI6. I’ve spoken to your boss, M, wasn’t it? He’s given you clearance to use 007 if you need to, apparently.”
Q: “Oh, right! That's quick. Who is it then? They must be pretty important.”
MH: “His name is Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade.”
Q: “I’ve seen his name in the papers a few times. It appears alongside Sherlock’s quite a lot.”
MH: “Yes, they work together quite frequently.”
Q: “Then why aren’t you sending Sherlock after him? He’d probably do a better job.”
MH: “For two reasons actually. The first being that Sherlock has a tendency to complicate matters somewhat and therefore I do not like to place my trust in him too often, never mind the fact that you are far better qualified for this kind of activity. The second being that he appears to have vanished off the face of the earth.”
Q: “Again? Do you want me to find him as well?”
MH: “Your offer is appreciated, but my staff are focusing on him and I don’t think it would be sensible for his name to appear on government registers.”
Q: “You mean you think he might be on drugs again?”
MH: “It seems an unlikely possibility, but one can never be too careful.”
Q: “All right, I’ll look into it.”
MH: “Thank you. Someone will be down in a few minutes to give you the files and any other information you might need.”
~0~
(Italics writing is the London side of the headset. Normal writing is the Saudi Arabia side of the headset. If the writing is in bold, the headset’s on loudspeaker.)
Q: “007. Report.”
James Bond (007): “Man injured, but not dead. Escaped through a window, I didn’t bother to shoot after him because he’s only a henchman and he’s got a bullet wound in his thigh already. The room’s now empty.”
Q: “There should be another door round the corner and to your right. Go take a look and see what’s there”
007: “Right.”
MH: “Have you found him?”
Q: “Mycroft, can you do something useful and stop asking stupid questions?”
MH: “Like what?”
Q: “I don’t know! Why are you so agitated?”
MH: “He could be dead!”
Q: “Yes, but he’s just another of your minions, isn’t he?”
...
Q: “Oh. Oh, Mycroft. He’s not a minion, is he? Oh please don’t tell me I’ve sent Bond after your boyfriend.”
MH: “How sweet, you sent your boyfriend to retrieve mine.”
Q: “He’s not my boyfriend. For someone with such amazing social awareness, that’s a rather stupid blunder to make.”
007: “Will you two please shut up? This is supposed to be a mission, not an argument.”
Q: “Mycroft, go away.”
MH: “No.”
Q: “You’re being more of a hindrance than a help, you know.”
MH: “I’m still not going.”
Q: “Well, shut up then. 007, report.”
007: “…umph… ow… Uh. Unexpected difficulties, quartermaster.”
Q: “What happened? 007?”
007: “Some guy attacked me. I’ve got him pinned. He’s not a henchman, but he’s not Lestrade either.”
(unidentified voice): Well, if you’d get off me I’d be able to explain, Bond.”
007: “How do you know who I am?”
(UV): “Oh, come on, aren’t MI6 agents supposed to be smart? It was meretricious… umph.”
Q: “James! Whatever you’re doing, stop it right now. This man could be important.”
007: “So I don’t get to shoot him, then?”
Q: “NO!”
007: “Alright, I didn’t do anything drastic.”
Q: “What did you do?”
007: “Punch him.”
Q: “Oh, brilliant. You’re so charming aren’t you?”
(UV): “Can I talk now that you’ve finished mauling me?”
Q: “Let him talk, but don’t let him go. Put your headset on loudspeaker so he can hear what I’m saying.”
007: “How?”
Q: “I already TOLD you this, don’t you ever listen? It’s the only button on the damnable thing. Press it twice and take it out, or I’ll deafen you.”
007: “You gonna shout?”
Q: “If our mysterious captive is who I think he is, then yes. And Mycroft will probably do some yelling as well, even though I told him to shut up.”
MH: Sharp intake of breath. “You don’t think it’s…”
Q: Interrupts. “Possibly, but if it’s not then we don’t want to give a complete stranger an alibi.”
MH: “My apologies.”
007: “Stop bickering, I’m putting you on full volume.”
Q: “Thank you. Is it working?”
007: “Yes.”
Q: “What’s your name, stranger?”
(UV): “Sherlock Holmes.”
Q: Without hesitation “Prove it.”
Sherlock Holmes: “Do I need to? You really should recognise my voice. Oh, and happy birthday, little brother.”
Q: “Sherlock, what the HELL are you doing there? And we stopped celebrating my birthday years ago.”
MH: “Sherlock Holmes, I would have thought better of you.”
SH: “I still wouldn’t forget, Quinn. And the feeling’s mutual, Mycroft. You’re the eldest; you’re supposed t be responsible, not dragging Quinn into this.”
007: “You three are brothers? Oh, you’re kidding me. This day just gets better and better.”
Q: “Alright, 007, your contribution has been duly noted and dismissed as insignificant. Now shut up, I have to talk to my brother. What are you doing in Saudi Arabia, Sherlock?”
SH: “Same as you, I should think: Rescuing a certain Detective Inspector from some unpleasantness. I don't know why I'm bothering really, Mycroft must be worse. I should leave him here and save him from Mycroft."
MH: “Not funny, Sherlock.”
(UV): “Oh well, didn’t I arrive at a good time? What’s this about another brother Sherlock? And why do you have a man in a tuxedo straddling your chest?”
SH: “John! I was beginning to wonder where you’d gone. This is James Bond from MI6. He seems to be refusing to let me go, for some unknown reason, I already proved my identity.”
Q: “Alright, 007, you can let him up. Who else in the room now?”
(UV): “Dr John Watson, formerly of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers. I’d say I was glad to make your acquaintance, but I’m not entirely sure who you are.”
MH: “ Ah, Doctor Watson. I should have known you were going to turn up sooner or later.”
Q: “What?”
MH: “Dr Watson is Sherlock’s flatmate. He writes that blog that documents all of our brother’s misdemeanours.”
Q: “Sherlock has a flatmate? How on earth did he manage that? Did he kidnap you or something?”
John Watson: Laughs. “I sometimes wonder how I put up with him. Pleased to meet you, stranger. Hello again, Mycroft.”
Q: “I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long, Dr Watson. Sherlock’s my elder brother. I know what torture it is to live with him.”
SH: “Quinn!”
JW: “Please, call me John.”
Q: “Thank you, John. You may call me Q. And it’s a title, not an abbreviation of my name, so please don’t be offended by informality.”
JW: “I don’t think I could be.”
007: “This is all incredibly insightful, but can someone please actually give me some instructions?”
MH: “Yes, may we please get on?”
SH: “I quite agree. Come, John, we have important people to find.”
JW: “Sure. Coming, Bond? And Q and Mycroft, respectively?”
Q: “Go with them, 007. Sherlock, do you know where DI Lestrade is being held?”
SH: “Of course I do, what do you take me for?”
Q: “Cut the theatrics and give me the address, or better, the co-ordinates. Now please.”
SH: “No address, but I can describe it. It’s the derelict casino on the main street.”
Q: “Right. Just a second… Mycroft, go away, you’re getting in the way.”
MH: “Apologies. But I won’t go. We have already had this discussion twice.”
Q: “Oh, for goodness sake! Go and sit over there, and SHUT UP, for once in your life.”
007: “We’re outside, Q, heading for the main street.”
Q: “Right. Take the headset off loudspeaker. Same procedure as before, it reverses the programming. Done?”
007: “Right. Yes.”
Q: “Ok. I’ve got all three of you on CCTV, the Saudi equivalent of, so I can see what you’re doing. As can the whole of Q-branch, actually. Bond, stop sulking, it doesn’t become you, and everyone can see what you’re doing.”
007: “I was not sulking.”
Q: “Were too. And making rude gestures at the cameras is not professional behaviour.”
007: “Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that we were on an actual official mission. It was all getting nice and informal with your wonderful family get-together.”
Q: “Stop it. You’re the only one there who’s a trained agent, so get a move on and do your job. Turn left at the end of the alley, it’ll keep you off the main road and out of sight for as long as possible. Keep an eye on the building on that corner, that’s where the man you shot went, though if he has any sense, he’ll be lying low before he bleeds out. Got all that?”
007: “Got it. You know you’re incredibly bossy sometimes?”
Q: “It’s my job. I’m in control.”
007: “What’s my job then? Shooting people?”
Q: “Legwork. One of the only things that can’t be done with a laptop.”
007: “Nice to know my skills are appreciated. Where are we heading next?”
Q: “Keep straight on. For goodness sake, try to keep an eye on Sherlock and John. My brother has a nasty tendency to ignore his common sense in favour of spontaneity, and I have a horrible feeling that Dr Watson actually trusts him.”
007: “What am I now, your babysitter?”
Q: “No, his. You’ll have to turn right onto the main street now, try to avoid the crowds. Stick to this side of the road, and go into the third shop front on the left. You’ll be going blind again once you’re in; there are no cameras I can find, which means there aren’t any.”
007: “This building’s a tip. It doesn’t look like anyone could be in a place like this.”
SH: “There’s a basement. Honestly, I thought agents were supposed to have some kind of intelligence test.”
007: “Aren’t you a charmer?”
Q: “Oh, I’ve missed his arrogance. Don’t tell him I said that. Tell him that it’s my job to be clever, and your job to shoot people.”
007: “He says I don’t have to be clever, I only shoot people.”
Q: “Don’t twist my words. Besides, you only follow my orders when you can be bothered anyway, so it’s not like you’re thick, although I sometimes wonder how you managed to survive this long.”
007: “Will you stop insulting me?”
Q: “I wasn’t aware I was.”
JW: “Oh, is he being condescending? Don’t worry, it’s a family thing. You’ll get used to it.”
SH: “What are you implying?”
JW: “Use your brain to work that one out, smart-arse.”
SH: “Oh, thank you very much.”
JW: “You’re welcome.”
SH: “I was being sarcastic.”
JW: “I know.”
Q: Laughs. “Loudspeaker please, Bond.”
007: Done.
Q: “Can we please focus? Although I think I’m beginning to understand how you two work. It’s a lesson that would be better learnt at a more convenient time. Preferably when I have some headphones handy. Get inside the blasted building, all of you, and watch your backs.”
007: “I don’t need a warning, Q.”
Q: “Who’s armed?”
007: “John and I. I have a second gun, shall I give it to Sherlock?”
Q: “Yes, seeing as he’s too arrogant to bring his own weapon. Okay, clearance to advance. Turn off loudspeaker, 007.”
…
Q: “007, report.”
007: Whispering. “Everyone’s in safely. It’s just an empty shop, as far as I can tell.”
Q: “Right. Pass me over to Sherlock so he can be useful for once in his life.”
SH: “What is it, Quinn?”
Q: “Sherlock, it’s a crime scene. Do I need to tell you to analyse it? I’m assuming you already have, but I’m blind here.”
SH: “Signs people have come and gone. Thick layers of dust show a pattern that suggests that they were having difficulties. A scuffle partway through, by the look of it. They were dragging someone, who put up a good fight. Too many of them to overpower, three muscly men restraining just him, but he must have landed several blows. There’s a little dry blood here, looks like he managed to take one down, but not for long. Probably just hard enough to wound his pride and make him angry. Not a good move, I’d say. Only three of them left, so Lestrade’s still here, if it is him. They left quickly, soon after, running, I think. Keen not to be caught? More likely they’d been called away by their employer.”
Q: “The blood definitely isn’t Lestrade’s?”
SH: “Undoubtedly.”
Q: “Good. Where did they take him?”
SH: “Further back. There’s a door. Locked and alarmed.”
Q: “Good. Thank you. Pass me over to 007.”
007: “Q?”
Q: “You have the scanner I gave you?”
007: “Yes.”
Q: “Right. Switch it on and hover it over the door, hinges and handle mainly. I’m getting a picture of what you’re seeing on the screen, by the way. Hmm… right. Well, this could either be really easy or really difficult. It depends on the exact intentions of the kidnappers when they installed the damn thing.”
007: “Can you just give me instructions please, rather than just babbling?”
Q: “Temper, 007.”
007: “Get on with it, Q! We haven’t got all day!”
Q: Keep your voice down, you don’t know who might be listening. Sherlock and John, for a start. Okay, get your penknife out, that new one I sent you, not the old one with the rusted blade, that’ll be no use at all.”
007: “I’ve got it, I’ve got it, stop nagging. Good God, you’re worse than a mother!”
Q: “007, run your knife across the wood around the hinges. Don’t press too hard, I just want to know if there’s anything inside.”
007: “Nothing.”
Q: “Okay. Activate the heat setting on your knife. It’s the blue button next to the GPS tracker unit.
007: “Ah!”
Q: “Don’t touch the blade? It gets very hot, very quickly.”
007: “Too late.”
Q: “Keep your hands well away in future; it’ll be about 120 degrees at its hottest. Slice the front panel off the door handle. It should expose three wires, colour marked. You need to cut the blue one.”
007: “No colours.”
Q: “Oh, they do enjoy making my job interesting! Okay, one should be leading into the handle itself, rather than just twisting around the keyhole. Cut that one, and don’t even touch the other ones.”
007: “Why?”
Q: “It’s not stabilised. The alarm complex will contain a uranium compound, and if you cut the wrong wire, it’ll trigger an explosion bog enough to kill you all.”
007: “Fantastic moral raising, Q.”
Q: “Stop stalling, you’re wasting precious time.”
007: “Says the one.”
Q: “Cut the damn wire!”
007: “Already done.”
Q: Lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “That should disable any pressure systems and alarms. You can go in now. Keep your gun close; you don’t know who’s in there.”
007: “I’m a trained agent, Q! You don’t need to tell me how to do my job!”
Q: “Well, I shouldn’t have to, but you have a nasty habit of getting into scrapes, don’t you?”
007: “I wouldn’t if M didn’t insist on sending me out on field missions all the time.”
Q: “Well, tell him to put you in the office.”
007: “You are kidding, right?”
Q: “Of course. You’d be impossible if we didn’t let you out of your cage every now and then. 007, report.”
007: “Very funny, Q. We’re in a corridor. It’s a dead end, no doors except this one.”
Q: “Put me on loudspeaker.”
007: “Done.”
Q: “Sherlock, where did they go?”
SH: “Oh, you’re going to talk to us when we’re needed, are you?”
Q: “Now is not the time to be petty, Sherlock. Where did they go?”
SH: “Give me one minute.”
007: “Q, is it really your birthday?”
Q: “Damn. I thought you’d forgotten about that.”
007: “No chance. Happy Birthday, Q! If you’d have said something, I might have got you something. I might still. Plenty of time to find you a souvenir.”
Q: “Don’t you dare!”
SH: “Hate to interrupt the flirting, but I found it.”
Q: “We weren’t flirting!”
007: “Weren’t we?”
Q: “Not funny, James.”
SH: “Oh, you’re on first name terms, are you?”
007: “No, Quinn only calls me that when he’s annoyed with me.”
Q: “Quinn?!? QUINN?!?!?!”
007: “That’s your name, isn’t it?”
Q: “You dare call me that ever again, I will personally ensure that your next gun explodes as soon as you pick it up.”
SH: “And that’s no empty threat. He has an uncanny knack for being able to make things explode.”
Q: “Please, focus! Sherlock, where did they take him?”
SH: “Through here. There’s a kind of automated sliding panel.”
Q: “Don’t touch it!”
007: “Too late.”
Q: “Why do I bother?”
JW: “Lestrade!”
MH: “Thank goodness! How is he?”
Q: “Mycroft! I told you to go away!”
MH: “Quinn, that is the fourth time you’ve attempted to have this conversation. Shut up. Is Gregory okay, Sherlock?”
SH: “Why should I comment on the wellbeing of your lover?”
Q: “Is he really? Mycroft?”
MH: “Quinn, there are more pressing matters at this precise point in time. Is he alright? Somebody please answer me!”
Greg Lestrade: “I’m right here, Mycroft. I’m fine, save for a cut lip and some trivial bruising.”
MH: “Gregory! Thank heaven!”
SH: “Oh, please, spare me the dramatics.”
GL: “It could be worse. Who are all these people, just out of interest? Who’s Quinn? And the guy in the suit with a gun?”
007: “The name’s Bond. James Bond.”
Q: “And I’m his quartermaster. Please call me Q, it is my official title, though my brothers insist on calling me Quinn. I tell Bond what to do to get out of the trouble he’s caused, which happens far too often.”
007: “It does not!”
Q: “Don’t be childish, 007.”
007: “Back to numbers are we, Quinn?”
Q: “Will you please STOP calling me that?”
GL: “What are you two, married?”
007: “He wishes.”
Q: “Behave, Bond. Lestrade, can you travel? We need to get you out as soon as possible.”
GL: “I do keep saying, I’m perfectly fine.”
Q: “Good. The sooner this ridiculous mission is over and done with the better.”
GL: “Really? I hope it’s not been too much trouble!”
JW: “Oh no, it’s all been a bit of fun. You should be honoured really.”
GL: “I should?”
JW: “Oh, yes. All three Holmes brothers got involved in your recovery, and I didn’t even know the third one existed until about ten minutes ago.
Q: “ The world’s only consulting detective…”
SH: “…the British government…”
MH: “…and the most dangerous hacker the world’s ever known.”
SH: “Never mind an ex-army doctor.”
Q: “ And MI6’s best agent.”
GL: “And the moral of the story is: Don’t mess with the Holmes brothers!”
JW: “Hear, hear!”