Chapter Text
“Did you ever-ever do this with Mae?"
Osha felt her cheeks flare impossibly hotter. Why had this never occurred to her to ask? She felt Qimir's hands still.
“Not as her Master-not as you-but before-as her..." Osha realized she didn't even know what to call him in relation to Mae. She couldn't meet his eyes as she said it, icy dread pooling in her gut as she tentatively asked-"her partner?”
“Osha-Osha look at me" She hadn't even realized she'd squeezed her eyes shut. She felt his hands lift off her hips-his fingers cup her chin. She made herself open her eyes. Instantly she felt overwhelmed. Qimir's eyes were impossibly dark even as they softened above her. He was just so beautiful. It wasn't fair.
"Osha, Mae and I were never partners. We-”
But instantly she knew-no she could see it. She wasn't sure how but suddenly she was confronted with his memory-she fell into it.
She wasn't looking through Qimir's eyes or Mae's either. She was a ghost floating somewhere near the ceiling. A ghost because they didn't see her. A ghost because she had no hands to cover her eyes. She wasn't sure where they were-a single light hanging close to Osha's spectral self illuminating a small dusty unremarkable room with only a futon for furniture. They were on it. Mae was sitting in Qimir's lap. Her hands moving from his bare chest to pull at his hair a little as she kissed him fiercely. Qimir held her waist-twisting the fabric there. Mae pulled back-she heard Qimir hum-and then thankfully the memory cut out before she had to see the rest.
Coming back to herself-she wanted to scream so she did. She jumped out of his arms-tangled emotions pulsing from her skin. The cave was absorbing it. Her anger and her jealousy. Her immense sadness. Every object in her immediate radius started shaking-some lifting off of the desk behind them. Some rattling against each other. The sound so much like her grinding teeth.
She looked down at Qimir and his expression was unreadable-as if he was a stranger again instead of the man who had trained her for months-the one she thought she was beginning to lo-
That thought immediately silenced-brought another unwelcome memory-
It's...ok...
She turned and ran. From him. From them. Her wayward masters. Even as she burned-she couldn't bear the thought of him falling lifeless to the ground. Her emotions felt too strong to be wrestled back inside her.
"Osha! Osha wait!" His voice was already faint. He wasn't following her. Somehow her heart cracked open-broken-a little bit more. She was grateful she was still clothed as she sprinted to the other side of the island where her ship was.
Hers because she had demanded they have two forms of travel. Eyes blurring with tears as she walked on board-she remembered his voice teasingly caressing her mind when she had suggested it. Why? Growing sick of me already, my little witch? She'd shoved at him playfully then swatted away his still questing fingers. She insisted she was just being practical. Practical. Her fingers listed-unsure of what coordinates to plug in.
Really there was only one place that came to mind. She’d just have to hope it wasn't still crawling with Jedi who had never belonged there in the first place.
As the craft lifted into the air, she felt him in her mind-Osha please!-
She shoved him out. She had never done that before. Never been able to. Maybe I never wanted it badly enough.
The coldness of the metal all around her suddenly felt like a coffin. As she broke the surface of the atmosphere, the vastness of space resembled the inky blackness of an ocean at night- a sea burial.
***
Two Months Later
The rabbit tensed. Osha could feel its fear in the Force. This part was never easy for her. Steeling her heart-she reached out with the Force and felt for the rabbit's. With one cruel twist of her hand it was over. The rabbit didn't even make a sound as it fell sideways to the mossy forest floor.
Later as she ate it by her fire-she wondered what Mother Koril would think of her new little trick.
Mother Koril had been the best hunter in the coven. She had taught Osha and Mae to tie snares-to carefully coat the hunters arrows with a very diluted serum of Bunta. She and Mae had never had the chance to wield bows themselves though.
She thought Mother Koril might approve of her new brutality. The witch had been no Jedi. And after all, no prey animal ever had an even chance of survival with Mother Koril in pursuit either.
She was proud of herself for her newfound calm by fire. As a Padawan-any expedition that meant sleeping rough had filled her with a kind of horror. She had had to repress her panic-lock her fear in a box-as Sol or another Jedi’s flint struck steel and coaxed flames into being. Sol would always look to her then. His eyes full of sadness. Sometimes he would grip her shoulder or pat her hand. She had thought it might be worse here.
Being back on Brendok though-somehow she felt something she hadn't the last time she set foot on her home planet. The coven.
She had felt them all around her that first night. From the moment her feet touched the ground-on her second just as hasty return. She hadn't been sure what to make of it. It felt right though. As she had walked unsteadily to the Bunta tree-her tree-she had felt eyes on her-tracking her movements.
It wasn't frightening. She knew at once it wasn't the Jedi drinking in the sight of her. She couldn't see them-knew the presences she felt weren’t alive-like she was. But she was filled with the same sense of safety she had felt when she walked from courtyard to training ground to living quarters. Any and every where she had gone-not counting the times she had snuck out to the place she was heading now.
She felt her family's many protective gazes without any of the former feeling of stifling.
She wept that first night. So so fruitlessly sorry for her part in their destruction, their deaths. Her tears watered the ground beneath the Bunta tree.
Overwhelmed with sadness, she had fallen into a dreamless sleep. Just before sleep took her though, she felt the soft caresses of many hands. Smoothing her hair-cradling her face-rubbing her back. Her mothers' voices melding in her mind. "You're safe. Rest now. Rest."
She had slept through the night and halfway through the next day-utterly exhausted and awoke to the sun shining through yellow leaves. But between her eyes shutting and finally opening again-the world had gone quiet.
She hadn't heard or her felt her mothers or anyone from the coven since. Her emotions were so volatile that first night. She had felt almost drunk with the Force swirling around her. Maybe that had something to do with it. She didn't know, but no matter how she begged-silently and then aloud-in the following days-they never responded to her anguish again.
She had roamed the planet. At first hesitantly-even though surely any remaining Jedi would have captured her that first night while she slept.
As she grew bolder-she ventured deeper into the vast forests of her home planet than she'd ever been allowed to as a child.
She began to feel grounded in herself. Even without her family-being back in the place she had once longed to leave-felt right. She slept out under the stars on a blanket taken from the ship.
Even if sleep never came easily after that first night-it wasn't due to fear. She knew there was no animal here more lethal than herself.
The only place she hadn't dared to venture was the fortress itself. She hadn't looked carefully before but she worried about what she might see now. She didn’t want to face it alone. Maybe with Mae-she could.
In any case, nights were still warm at this time of year and if she truly needed a roof over her head there was always her ship. It even had a proper bed that could be pulled down from a wall. While she hadn't wanted to sleep there-not wanting to get lost in the memories of the previous times she had spent on that bed-she had reasoned she could when the season changed.
Looking into the fire, she poured water from her canteen over her hands. She had collected it from one of Brendok’s many clear streams earlier in the day.
She wished for the hundredth time that she hadn't been so angry with Mae-only accepting the truth when it was too late to learn more. How long had Mae remained on Brendok alone? How had she survived on her own? How had she managed to leave?
Osha's feelings about Mae were thorny. She refused to let herself be angry with Mae. She owed her sister-so much-her loyalty-her trust. In the two months she had spent here, she had despaired over how she would ever grow strong enough to get Mae back-on her own.
Standing up-she kicked dirt over the fire-letting only embers remain. As she curled up on her blanket she let herself face what she had always known deep down.
She had to go back. For Mae. To do what she had planned before. Before she let herself get distracted. She felt now that was what it must have been-to him at least-so she refused to think it could really have been any deeper for her.
He was a good teacher. As patient with her as he was brutal in a fight. She had grown so much stronger with him guiding her. She could swallow her pride-and her shame.
She wondered if he would even take her back. As his pupil. If he did-she thought she could still accept the power of two. Hopefully from a slightly different perspective.
Closing her eyes she thought she could almost see it. See him. Could almost feel herself standing beside him in the dark.
***
It was dawn when she landed. She tried to hold her head high-even as she felt like a dog with its tail between its legs. Immediately though-she knew he wasn't there.
Tentatively making her way across the beach-she looked out and saw what she knew would-an empty outcropping. No ship.
The cave was cold when she reached it. No, it was always cold-it was abandoned now. She looked around in dismay. His desk was empty of tools. More than that-anything that wasn't a permanent fixture of the cave was gone. Gone like he was gone. She wondered though.
If she reached for him in the Force-would he feel it?
***
She decided to try that evening. She had rigged the thermal pool to heat. She waited until steam rolled off the surface to undress.
She had some half remembered idea that immersing herself in water could be a way to center her senses, to block out everything-until she could envision the thread she wanted to pull. Feeling flushed as she settled into the water-she refused to reflect on her nakedness. Closing her eyes-she gently probed.
Even though she had wanted to leave-her coven's trainings had never fully left her. Osha had still felt and sometimes seen the Force as the Thread she had first been taught to embrace.
Now she thought she felt something-a thread blooming from her sternum that snaked out into darkness.
Focus-does the Thread have a color? She could remember Mama's guiding voice saying something similar in those long ago lessons. She let herself drift-focusing only on the pull she felt in the center of her chest.
Yes. It's red. It feels solid. It goes on for miles. It doesn't seem to end. It-
Suddenly she wasn't in the pool anymore. She was standing beside Qimir. He was sitting crossed legged on the floor. His eyes were closed. Tearing her eyes away from him she looked around.
They were in what might be a rented room? Not a very nice one. The furnishings looked impersonal but thoroughly used. There was a bed against one wall with a grubby looking blanket draped over it. Against another wall there was a shabby little table with a single rickety looking chair. The floor honestly might be the safest place to sit.
She looked back down at Qimir. His brows were furrowed. He looked tired-dark shadows under his still closed eyes. She felt a pang in her heart. She shut it down-there could be any number of reasons for him to be sleeping poorly.
Before he had been anything else to her-he was her teacher-her Master. Their foray into anything else-as consuming as it had been-had been brief. Before she ran away.
She wondered what to say to convince him to take her back-to prove she could be a better student than she had been. Utterly focused on what he had to teach her-stronger.
She looked around the room again-eyes scanning for any clues to where he might be. Where she might find him.
Qimir murmured beside her. "Osha". He sounded breathless despite sitting motionless on the floor. Before she could think on what that might mean-Qimir opened his eyes.
“Osha.”
Apparently she wasn't like a ghost now. That was immediately apparent by the widening of his eyes. He could see her. She felt pinned by his gaze.
She watched his look of surprise shift to something darker. She looked down at herself and felt her cheeks burn. She wasn't an invisible spectator-and she was very much naked.