Chapter Text
Jim was exhausted and in pain as he stumbled off the shuttle and down the ramp that took him out of the bay and into the main part of the Enterprise. He paused to speak with the head of security, Giotto, about what to do with their prisoner, Khan, and then continued to find the nearest turbolift that would take him to his quarters.
He could feel his own dried blood and sweat on his face. His knuckles were aching from punching Khan over and over. The fucker had been impossible to take down. Impossible for him anyway.
He couldn’t wait to strip out of the clothes he wore and into a long hot water shower.
Sure, Khan had surrendered and they’d taken him captive, but his heart was still heavy with the grief of Pike’s loss. Something he hadn’t even had time to process. Maybe never would.
Jim spotted Spock and Uhura. Her focus was entirely on Spock, speaking softly to him, and kissing him. She didn’t seem to notice Jim walking past but he felt Spock’s gaze on him briefly.
Whatever had been going wrong with the two of them seemed to be have been resolved.
He stepped into the turbolift and punched the button to close it just as he spotted an ensign running to catch it. He could have stopped it had he wanted to but he let the doors close almost in the ensign’s face as he chose the deck for his quarters.
He didn’t lean against the wall as it moved along but it was a near thing. He felt no relief or happiness at having Khan in custody. He could only describe his mood as dispirited.
As soon as the doors of his quarters closed behind him, Jim peeled off the clothes he’d worn on Qo’noS and went right into the bathroom.
As he washed away the dirt and blood from the recent battle, the tears flowed too, but he didn’t dwell on those, letting the hot water wash them away with the grime.
Emerging from the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist, he frowned when someone pinged his door.
“Computer, identify visitor.”
“Commander Spock,” the computer told him.
He’d half expected it to be Bones, screaming with a lecture about how he hadn’t come straight to the medbay.
And the fact that it was Spock, unexpectedly, he heard himself call for Spock to enter without really thinking it through.
Spock stepped inside.
Unlike Jim, he hadn’t changed out of the clothes he’d worn planetside. But he didn’t look nearly the worst for wear as Jim had been.
Jim opened his mouth to ask Spock what he wanted but before he could get the words out, Spock moved with lightning speed and he found himself slammed up against the bulkhead of his quarters.
“Sp—”
Spock’s mouth was on his, kissing him hard. Jim was so startled by the contact, he gasped, and Spock’s tongue slipped into his mouth, tangling with Jim’s.
Jim got a little lightheaded and a little dizzy, his feet not quite feeling stable on the ground. He clutched at Spock’s shoulders and found his whole lower body lifted off the floor. He scrambled for purchase, his legs fitting around Spock’s waist.
Spock’s mouth remained on his, devouring Jim, stealing his breaths, as the Vulcan kissed him over and over again.
The towel he’d had wrapped around his waist now pooled at his feet and his erection pressed against Spock. Shame mixed with lust in his head.
When he somehow managed a moment to tear his mouth from Spock’s he gasped out, “Spock, what the—”
“I want.”
That was all Spock got out before he was crushing Jim’s mouth under his. Spock shrugged out of the coat he’d been wearing and let it fall to the floor.
Spock stopped kissing Jim long enough to pull the shirt he wore off over his head. Then he carried Jim to the bed.
Jim was tossed onto the bed, landing on his back, watched in shock as Spock continued to remove the rest of his clothes.
“Wait, wait,” Jim said, hurriedly. “Are we…what are we doing here?”
But then Spock stood naked in front of him, cock hard and jutting out from between his legs and Jim’s mouth went dry.
Spock crawled onto the bed and over Jim, kissing him again, hard and dizzying.
Jim knew he could and should put a stop to all of this. This madness, whatever it was.
But if you literally spent years wanting something, someone, you couldn’t have, you’d never have, and suddenly it was offered to you, even for a brief moment, could you be strong enough to refuse it?
Jim was not that strong.
So when Spock asked him where his lube was, Jim fetched it from a drawer and handed the tube to Spock.
Jim turned onto his stomach, ass in the air, as Spock’s lubricated fingers entered him, spreading him for Spock’s eventual intrusion.
He buried his face in the pillow, moaning his approval of what Spock’s hands and cock did to him. The shame still warred with the lust, but the desire, the pleasure overruled that and his common sense.
Spock was surprisingly hot as his body covered Jim’s, his shaft sinking into Jim, between his ass cheeks. It was a rough, frantic pounding, no gentle lovemaking, and it suited Jim well in that moment. Tenderness would have undone him.
When he released on the sheets beneath him, he felt Spock doing the same inside him, the Vulcan groaning low and deep as he did so.
Jim collapsed flat on the mattress, exhaustion seeping into every limb, every bit of him. He felt Spock withdraw from him, and he thought he mumbled something, but he couldn’t be sure, and he fell into exhausted sleep.
****
When he woke, Spock was gone, nowhere to be found. His clothes, his scent, even his fluids, all traces that Spock had ever been there in Jim’s quarters, in Jim, were gone.
Jim squelched down immediate disappointment and heartache. He didn’t deserve to feel that way and he knew it.
He washed again in the shower and pulled on his uniform. It was time to get down to business and dealing with Khan, so he did what he was supposed to and went on duty.
After they went to see Khan, Jim tried to bring up Spock’s actions when they had a brief time alone, but Spock would not have that discussion.
“Now is not the time for discussions of that nature, Captain.”
“Fine. But we are going to talk about it,” Jim insisted.
Every time he looked in Uhura’s direction the shame and guilt came back. Despite what everyone thought of him, Jim didn’t sleep with other people’s significant others. And yet he had. Because it was Spock.
And one more time, before he’d gone with Khan to get onto Marcus’ ship, he’d tried again.
“Look, Spock, I don’t even know if I’m coming back from this, we should—”
“You are coming back, Captain.”
“But what if I don’t—”
“Of course, you are. And therefore, given our current circumstances, discussing anything else but the ship’s situation is inappropriate and illogical.”
As he lay dying, his body burning from inside out, ready to take his last breath, Jim had tried again, as Spock knelt before him, only the glass between them.
But this time, he was going to go all in. Tell Spock the whole truth. Tell Spock that Jim had been in love with him for a long time, and that he had regretted hurting Uhura by having sex with Spock, but considering it was the only moment of happiness he’d had in a long line of tragedies of late, and that he was about to die anyway, he didn’t have any regrets.
Even then, Spock changed the course of their conversation when Jim had said, “I want you to know why I went back for you. Why I couldn’t let you die.”
“Because you are my friend.”
Jim let it go. He was weakening and scared and felt so very alone. He begged Spock to help him not be afraid, but Spock hadn’t been able to. He’d cried, Jim saw the tear, and said he did not know.
And Jim had felt the life drain out of him.
To say Jim had been shocked to wake up alive was an understatement. Bones had somehow worked magic, with the apparent help of Spock and Uhura.
He’d honestly tried to look on the bright side of being alive and not feel like his sacrifice had been for nothing.
“Why do you think like that, Jim?” Bones demanded with a scowl, as he jabbed a hypo into Jim’s arm. “The Enterprise was saved. The crew was saved.”
“A lot of San Francisco was damaged,” Jim pointed out. “And civilians died too.”
“Your life or death wouldn’t have affected that. What you did was heroic, Jim. Foolhardy, but heroic. And I’m personally glad you’re here for me to torture.” Bones smirked.
Jim smiled faintly.
Bones handed him a small cup of hot tea. “Drink that. Sip it slowly. You need to get your strength back. No eating a big steak yet.”
“Yeah.”
Bones studied him for a moment, silently.
“What?” Jim asked as he sipped the tea.
“Spock came by to see you this morning. Chapel said you wouldn’t see him.”
“That’s not entirely true,” Jim protested.
“No?”
“I was just…tired, you know? And I didn’t want to be overwhelmed by visitors.”
“Just Spock shouldn’t overwhelm you,” Bones said gently. “He saved your life, Jim. He wants to make sure you’re okay.”
“I know and he already knows I am. He was here when I woke up, right? I’d just like to limit the amount of visitors I have right now. Nothing personal,” Jim insisted.
And he could tell by the look Bones gave him that Bones was skeptical.
“So what are we talking about here, Jim? A list of approved visitors, no visitors, only Spock excluded? What?”
“Give me a break, Bones. No one right now, okay?”
“Your crew, your friends want to see you.”
“Well, I don’t want to see them,” Jim snapped, his ire increasing. “Why can’t you just…it’s just for a few days, all right? I’m tired.”
“All right, Jim. No visitors for a few days. But eventually some of them will break down the door to see you,” Bones joked. “You’re so popular.”
Jim laughed. “Sure, sure. Just a few days. I promise.”