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“Rodney, I'm fine.”
“Right.“
Rodney hesitated, looking worriedly at John, but after a tense pause, exited without another word.
John watched Rodney leave, a knot forming in his gut. He stood unmoving for several heartbeats, then took a deep breath and shouldered his bag.
As he passed through the city's corridors, they seemed to be less bright and a bit colder than usual, matching the emotional emptiness in his chest. His usually springy stride was replaced by a heavy step on the way to the gateroom.
Entering the control room, he signaled Chuck to dial the gate, his blank gaze fixed on the activating chevrons.
Moments later, he stepped through the wormhole onto the metal ramp of the Earth Gateroom and paused, the sudden loss of Atlantis’ energetic hum settling as an additional weight on his shoulders.
As he started to walk down the ramp, his eyes fell on an unexpected yet familiar face.
“Bates!” John took the offered hand in a firm shake of mutual respect. “You with N.I.D.?”
“I.O.A. After the Air Force gave me an honourable discharge due to my injuries, the I.O.A. contacted me. They were starting up a new field division dealing specifically with operational threats on Earth, and it seemed like a good fit.”
“Well, it's good to see you back in action.”
“You too, sir.”
“You know, you don't have to call me that anymore.”
“I guess not. Old habits die hard.”
Something in the back of his mind niggled at John, and he turned toward the gate, seeing that the wormhole was still active. He frowned.
“It’s okay, Sir,” Bates reassured him. “Nothing to worry about. We received a hold signal right when you stepped through. There seemed to be an important last-minute transmission pending. Chief Harriman is taking care of it as we speak. So, let me escort you to the infirmary for your medical clearance. Dr. Lam is waiting for you.”
A soft slurp stopped them in their tracks, making them both turn back to the event horizon.
John’s eyes widened in surprise as a well-known figure in a painfully familiar navy suit appeared figuratively out of the blue.
“McKay?” John’s brows rose. "You do realize that's not the gate to M7G-677?"
Rodney cleared his throat. “Yes, Colonel, of course I know that. Change of plans.”
“Does Carter know? The distress call was urgent. You wouldn’t want to be the cause of a sudden culling, would you?”
“Zelenka is going in my place. Don’t tell him I said so, but he’s more than capable of dealing with the malfunctioning device. In fact, he's by far the best expert on the local technology due to his last visit there.”
John grimaced, remembering the unbridled ire with which Radek had returned from that particular mission.
“I convinced Sam to let me come along. It's… what a friend does for a friend.” Rodney’s jaw tightened, sending vibes of insecurity and determination… and something more John couldn’t quite put his finger on.
Seeing the uneasiness in Rodney's eyes, betraying the attempt at casualness, he decided not to call his friend on the evasive maneuver even if all he wanted at the moment was to be left alone.
For a heartbeat or two, no one said a word.
“So I guess you need a ride for two to your destination, sir?” Bates broke the awkward silence.
“Yeah, apparently.” John shrugged, trying for nonchalance. “It seems I have a stray scientist to take with me.”
He motioned to Bates. “Lead the way.” He was about to turn when, from the corner of his eye, he saw Rodney smiling, and a warmth spread from the depth of his stomach. He stopped for a moment, mumbling a soft, “Thanks,” before following Bates into the corridor with a silent McKay in tow.
###
The SGC had a car with a driver standing by, but John insisted on driving himself as he desperately needed the distraction. Focusing on the route and the speed, he let it take over his thoughts.
Rodney fiddled with the radio. “Why can't there be a decent station? Some classical music would be just what I need to relax,” he muttered. “How much longer is the drive? Ha, never mind. As if you could tell. Who knows what detours your sense of direction will take us on anyway.”
A wild jumble of different melodies came out of the speakers until Rodney leaned back into the seat, apparently satisfied with his selection.
“Mozart's Symphony No. 40 in G minor, K. 550, has always been one of my favorites. Very dramatic. Jeannie never liked it when I listened to it. She said it made her sad. But that was only fair. I couldn't stand the guitar strumming of her “Sweet Magic Garden” either. I think you’d have liked it, though. After all, there weren't too many chords.”
Rodney rummaged around in the footwell, bringing up a bottle of water. “Jennifer said I should drink regularly. As if I didn’t know that! Of course my brain needs to be sufficiently hydrated. It’s not my fault that the constant struggle for our lives prevents me from setting other priorities, is it? Seriously, next time it's ‘Rodney, you have to save the galaxy’—again—, obviously I’ll have enough time to sit down and have a glass of water first!"
Rodney's constant chatter from the seat next to him was a solid reassurance in John's mind, giving him a feeling of inner calm, however surreal it might have been. At least he didn’t have to add to the conversation, as Rodney didn’t seem to expect any answers, and that was just fine with him.
He still wasn't sure what to make of Rodney insisting on coming along. But strangely enough, he’d felt his tension recede the moment Rodney had stumbled through the gate. Of course Rodney was team, but John doubted it would have been the same with Teyla or Ronon, though he didn't want to go down that road.
###
They left the interstate and began driving overland, seeing fewer and fewer cars as they ventured further into the countryside. After a long time without seeing so much as a house, John turned onto an access road at the end of which a wealthy estate came into view. Several smaller buildings, a spacious stable, and a paddock clustered around a main house, which was separated from the road by what appeared to be a well-kept lawn.
People stood in groups in front of the house, a few leaning against the fence, watching several horses which, even to Rodney's untrained eye, radiated elegance and class.
John brought the car to a halt in the driveway and turned off the engine, neither of them saying a word. The atmosphere was tense and the sudden silence louder than anything else.
Rodney flinched as his door suddenly opened with a jerk from the outside.
“Sir?” A man in a tailored black suit held the door open for him, obviously expecting him to get out. Of course, why wouldn't he? After all, that was what they’d come for.
"We're here, McKay, let's not keep the spectators waiting any longer for their freak show," came a sarcastic voice from the driver's seat.
Rodney's mouth was suddenly completely dry, hearing the bitterness in John's voice. He wondered if it hadn't been a terribly stupid idea to force himself on Sheppard.
It was obvious even to him that John's whole body language screamed to be anywhere but here. It was not the aura of grief and melancholy, but rather the stubborn defiance of the pariah returning home, expecting to be thrown to the lions.
What had he been thinking? That he, Dr. Rodney McKay, PhD PhD, the world's greatest failure in communication and people skills, was going to stand by John in a pool of family intrigue?
This could only end in total disaster! God! What he wouldn’t do for a cup of coffee right now!
They exited the car and walked up the driveway to the main entrance, attracting everyone's attention. Rodney wasn't sure if, given the choice between facing the piercing, contemptuous eyes of the crowd on his way to the house or stepping into a hive ship, the familiar threat of being fed on by a Wraith wouldn't win out any day.
He almost jumped at a sudden voice next to him.
“John.”
“Dave.”
Rodney didn't need to be a meteorologist to feel the immediate drop in temperature.
“I wasn’t sure you were gonna make it. We couldn’t even be sure the message reached you at all. It's good to see you.” Dave held out a hand.
John pursed his lips, then blew out a breath and took it.
“Well, I came as soon as I heard.”
“I see you brought a friend?”
“Oh, this is Dr. Rodney McKay… Rodney, that's Dave. My brother.”
Rodney gulped in surprise. John had never mentioned a brother. Well, he’d never mentioned anything about his family in the first place, not that Rodney would have asked him about it. But still…
Rodney took the outstretched hand just in time to keep it from becoming awkward.
“It's a… pleasure to meet you,” he mumbled.
“Same.” Dave nodded, letting his eyes wander over Rodney from top to bottom. “You don’t look as if you work for the Air Force.”
John’s face hardened. “He's a civilian contractor. An important civilian contractor.”
Rodney couldn’t pin it down, but somehow he felt as if John had just defended his honor. He would even say John looked pissed on his behalf.
“Right,” Dave said, obviously not believing a word. “Anyway, we probably should talk. But maybe you want to visit Dad's casket first? There's no one in the viewing room at the moment. In case you want to be undisturbed.”
“Yeah, thank you. We'll see each other later,” John said tightly, his features impenetrable.
Rodney felt slightly out of place when John, without a second glance, left him standing there like a spare part.
“Dr… McKay? Right? You might want to wait for John inside the house. There's a mourning banquet. I'm sure you had a long journey and could use refreshments.”
“Um, yes, I actually could eat and drink something. Thank you.”
“I would take you inside, but I still have things to take care of. Ah, wait… Nancy?” Dave waved to a slim brunette crossing the lawn nearby. She smiled warmly and came over, eyeing Rodney with interest.
“Hi, Dave.” She leaned in and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. “I just saw John with you. Where’s he gone?
“He’s saying his farewells… I think.” Dave motioned toward Rodney. “This is Dr. McKay, John’s… companion. Would you do me a favor and take him to the buffet?”
“Sure.” Nancy offered Rodney her hand. “Hi, I'm Nancy—John's ex-wife. It’s very nice to meet you.”
Rodney shook her hand as if in a trance, his mouth hanging open.
John's ex-wife? John had been married?
First a brother, now a marriage—he wasn't certain he had ever really known the man at all!
“I… um… glad to… um… right. Meet you.” God, he was just making a fool of himself again.
But Nancy only laughed, making her look even more likeable. She was in a totally different league from slightly overweight scientists. How could he ever think he might have a chance with John?
“The buffet’s this way. Please, join me.” Nancy slipped her arm under Rodney's and gently guided him toward the entrance. “So, you came here with John? Obviously… he has grown.” She grinned at him mischievously.
Rodney's heart started to pound. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out—his mind one big blank. Fortunately for him, Nancy didn't seem to expect a response and just opened the door to what had to be a reception room, probably used to host business or private events.
The spacious room was buzzing with people. Most of them were standing or sitting together in small groups, chatting, and holding well-filled plates in their hands.
She led him straight to the buffet, grabbing two plates and offering one to Rodney.
“Here, don't be shy. Take everything you want. If there's something you shouldn't miss out on in the Sheppard household, it's the food.”
Still out of his depth, Rodney took the plate without a word, feeling like an imbecile. He deeply wished for John to be here. With John at his side, everything was so easy. Rodney looked around for a glimpse of messy hair to end this embarrassing disaster and give him back his self-confidence.
“You can call me Rodney,” he blurted out, wincing at his own awkwardness. Why did he seem to hand over his entire intelligence when talking to beautiful women?
“Sure, Rodney. Thanks. I highly recommend the tuna casserole and the potato salad. And of course the pastries. Just help yourself.” Nancy looked sympathetically at him. “And don't worry, I'm sure John will come to your rescue soon,” she said with a twinkle in her eyes.
Great, he was an open book to her. He could only hope she wouldn't shout it from the rooftops. He was still searching for an innocuous reply when Nancy glanced past him, obviously spotting someone more interesting than the mute fish he was.
“I'll leave you to enjoy the delicious food now. See you later, Rodney.” She patted his arm and hurried to the other side of the room.
He sighed and decided to make the best of the botched performance and enjoy himself with the comfort food. This was familiar territory.
Having filled his plate with the choicest delicacies, he turned and slowly wandered through the room, a pained smile on his face, nodding right and left, not knowing where to settle.
At least Nancy had been right and the food was amazing. Getting accustomed to the overall noise, he could make out more and more snatches of conversation. He wasn’t paying attention to anything in particular when he heard John's name. He stopped in his tracks, unable to ignore the snide words.
“Who would have thought little Johnny Sheppard would change so much for the worse. He was such a sweet little kid,” an overly sweet voice stated.
“Yes, and his father was always so proud. He would have laid the whole company at his feet, but John preferred to break his heart and enlist in the military,” a deep voice replied.
“I know he had big plans for him. He paved his road wherever he could, but John got more rebellious the older he got.”
“Now all burden lies on Dave's shoulders alone.” Again, the honey pot.
“Yes. I can't believe he had the audacity to come here.”
Rodney felt his blood pressure rising. How dare people talk this badly about John? Didn’t they know him at all? He shouldn't listen to this crap. He didn't want to have a confrontation. Even he knew that wouldn't go over well at a funeral gathering. He should just go outside. He gritted his teeth and was about to head for the door when he couldn’t help but overhear another group of so-called family or friends.
“We had such good times together when our boys were still kids. They loved playing with John and Dave, and we were at the Sheppards' almost every weekend. Dave was already the sensible one back then.”
“Yes, if it wasn't for Dave, who knows what would have become of Sheppard Industries. John was only ever a reason for grief and disappointment.”
Rodney had heard enough, and he wasn't about to walk off this battlefield. At this point, he was fairly certain he preferred a decent Wraith to these insufferable, backstabbing hypocrites of relatives and family friends—no matter what.
His jaw tightened. He took a deep breath, preparing for one of his dreaded, high-quality diatribes! They would see exactly where their derogatory gossip had led—and no, he wasn't going to hold back. They had only themselves to blame.
He had just opened his mouth to begin when a soft touch startled him, and he turned to see Nancy's understanding eyes.
Barely noticeable, she shook her head and tugged softly at his forearm.
To his own surprise, he followed her without hesitation, and they weaved their way through the talking mourners to a door at the side of the room.
The moment the door closed behind them, the loud murmur became just a quiet humming. Only then did Rodney realize how tense he’d been.
“Thank you for saving me and everyone else from a potentially embarrassing, ill-advised tirade. I’m really not known for my diplomatic subtlety.” He nervously stroked his face.
Nancy narrowed her eyes and scrutinized him intently, then her gaze softened, lingering warmly on his face.
“You really care about John, don't you?"
Something in the tone of her voice made Rodney freeze mid-motion. He opened his mouth and closed it again, feeling like a fish out of water. He was pretty sure he looked like one, too.
“I… um…I can't…“ He started pacing, searching for words. “Of course I… care for him. We've been friends for a few years now, and… and it's… it's what friends do,” he ended, sounding awkward even to his own ear.
Nancy laughed. “I see. You're just as eloquent as John when it comes to emotions. Don't worry, you can't escape female intuition.” Suddenly, her face clouded over. “It’s a blessing and a curse. I could always sense that something wasn't working. I think I was more aware of John's feelings than he was himself. He was always nice and courteous and easygoing, and he'd never have admitted something was gnawing at him. Whenever I tried to get through to him, to make him really talk to me, I only got the same answer, time and time again.”
“I'm fine.” Rodney softly joined in.
Nancy looked up, a bittersweet smile on her face. “So… some things never change.”
“I can't say I'm the poster child of communication either.” Rodney sighed.
“You could have fooled me.” Nancy winked, and Rodney forced a smile, feeling slightly uncomfortable.
“Sheppard… John is special, he really is, but he doesn't see himself that way. He always thinks of himself as the least important.” Rodney looked at Nancy. “Why didn’t your relationship work out in the end? I can't think of any reason he would have wanted to… let you go.”
Nancy smiled ruefully. “Oh, it wasn't just one thing. It never is. A lot of it was because he was away most of the time. And then not talking about any of it when he came home. I always felt left out. It was like living in two different galaxies, orbiting two different suns. Maybe, if he'd been able to share his inner feelings—if he'd let out the emotional pain he was so clearly in whenever he returned from Afghanistan. It wasn't that John didn't love me, or that I didn’t love him. It wasn't so much about what was but what wasn't. I could sense that he wasn't all he could be. Wasn't as happy as he should be. Neither of us was."
Rodney could only think about how close Nancy had come to the truth without realizing it. He really wanted to reassure her. He liked her, and part of him almost wished for her that things with John had worked out. Almost.
He cleared his throat, mustering up all his courage. “Do you… still love him?”
Nancy tilted her head, her eyes going distant as she drifted into thought.
The pause had just reached the point of being awkward when Nancy finally responded.
“Yes, in a way I do. I still love the man he was when we met. He was the man I wanted to spend my life with, the man I wanted to have children with. But that John Sheppard didn't really exist. The longer we were together, the more I saw the cracks in the facade, saw it crumbling more and more, saw how hard he had to try to be the overjoyed husband. I don't think he would have ever acted on his unhappiness, but I couldn't bear to be married to a man playing a role no one could see behind. I realized that whatever, whoever, made John whole, it wasn't me.” Nancy looked Rodney intently in the eyes. “Maybe it wasn't any woman at all.”
Rodney felt his face heat up; his eyes widened as the implication sank in.
“You think… um, I don't know, um, he's my… best friend, and I… I…”
Nancy gently laid her hand on Rodney's forearm. “It's okay. I'm just saying, I wasn't the one for him. But I'm happy now, I’ve found my place in the world, and it's a good one. I’d love for John to be happy too, and whatever comes out of it, I feel that’s what you want, too. That you cared so much about him that you came here with him, and that he trusted you enough to let you come with him, into the lion's den… that means something. Just think about it.”
Rodney was still searching for an answer when suddenly the background hum from the neighboring room was replaced by increasingly louder voices. He cringed when John’s strained voice came through clearly.
“I'm not here to fight with you.”
Nancy hurried to the door, Rodney close on her heels, and as they stepped inside, they saw John and Dave standing nearby, both visibly tense. Dave’s face was set in anger, while John’s features were guarded and defensive. Everyone else had stopped talking, eager to watch the show.
“You don’t say. Why did you even bother showing up at all? You were never here when it mattered. Not for him, and certainly not for me. So, what makes you think you belong here now?”
Rodney's heart ached when he saw John flinch at the harsh words.
“It wasn’t as if I had a real choice, Dave. You know if I had, I would’ve visited. Dad made it clear I wasn't welcome to come back unless I did things his way and took my place in the company.”
“And what would have been so bad about it? We could have worked there side by side, as real brothers, but no, you always had to choose the reckless path with no regard for anyone else! You always chased the adventure and—”
“Dave, maybe it's not the place to—” Nancy tried to step in.
“Yes! Yes, it is! It's not like I’m saying anything everyone else can't hear.” Dave turned again to John. ”You just left. You were there for everyone in your damn military, but not for your own family. You just walked out the door and left me behind like I was nothing!”
John paled, shifting from foot to foot. “I wasn’t... I didn’t mean to,” he mumbled. He ran a hand through his hair. “It wasn’t like that… I… I don’t know.”
“It was exactly like that! You never cared for anyone but yourself!”
“That's utter bullshit!” Rodney exploded, unable to hold back. “Feeling left behind? If you knew him even a little bit, you’d never say that! He’s the epitome of ‘never leave a man behind’. So many people owe him their lives. I owe him my life—many times over! It’s always anyone else before him! He’s got more integrity in his little toe than… than all of you put together.” He flung his arm out, gesturing at the crowd gaping at him in shock. “Don’t you all feel how he’s hurting? What are your so-called hearts made of? Osmium? Tungsten?”
Everyone around them looked as if Rodney had lost his mind, and blatant, derisive whispers rippled through the room.
Exasperated, he threw his hands in the air. “You people know nothing about it, do you? Let me break it down for you: A fingernail has a hardness of 2.5 on the Mohs scale, a steel knife 5.5. The hardness of Tungsten Carbide is 8.5 to 9.0.”
No one showed any sign of understanding. All that Rodney could see around him was annoyance at a total stranger lecturing their “oh-so highly” regarded little community. “Oh, my goodness, let me tell you in small words… stone?”
“Rodney,” John murmured through clenched teeth, “leave it.”
But once on one of his famous rants, Rodney wouldn't let himself be stopped—not in front of his minions, his parents, or the usual bullies, and definitely not while facing this pathetic bunch of complete morons.
“I tell you what. Family… family is important. Yes, it took me a while to understand that. I’m not the best brother myself. You could say I failed my family too.” He pointed at Dave. “But… I’m trying, something that can’t be said about you, or…“ he looked around, “or any of you.”
He took a deep breath, getting his voice under control again. “But you’re not John’s family. Not anymore. I am. I mean, not just me. There are others of course. We’re team, and we are his family. You think you know everything about him. But you don’t. I can’t say anything about his past. But I have a lot to say about the John Sheppard standing here right now. He doesn’t just give his best. He gives everything. He stands up for us. He puts his life on the line every single day. He would even sacrifice himself for every one of your sorry asses—”
“Rodney." John tried again to stop him, looking tense, but it didn't slow Rodney down in the slightest. He just kept talking.
"—because he cares about people. And we all care about him. We don’t want him to change. He’s perfect as he is. We love him for everything that makes him him. It’s not just that he always has our back and is there for us in a heartbeat, no matter what. No, we also love him for his ridiculous laugh, his questionable hairstyle, and his beloved Johnny Cash poster. He even has some brains, and he’s not entirely useless at chess either. It’s fun having him around. He’s good with people. He actually likes them. He even puts up with me! You… You just can’t not love him. I—” He stopped abruptly.
John cleared his throat. “It's okay, Rodney. They got it. I… I got it. Let's just go.”
Rodney stared at him, his cheeks flushed, jaw tense. He wasn't going to turn tail and back down. Not this time. Not if it meant John would remain a failure in everyone's eyes. But then… he had almost given himself away. Thank god he had just managed to avert it, hadn't he?
A gentle but firm hand pressed on his arm, seeking his attention. Nancy had slipped quietly between them, one hand on each of them. She smiled sympathetically.
“Getting some fresh air seems like a good idea to me—let's give everyone a bit of space.”
With these words, she maneuvered the two of them past the disapproving glances and out the door.
For a few moments, no one said a word. Rodney stood with his chin raised high, daring anyone to call him on his rant, while John stared, unfocused, past him.
“John,” Nancy began, but stopped when the door opened and Dave stepped outside.
If at all possible, John stiffened even more, not a single muscle twitching, the blinking of his eyelids the only visible movement.
Dave approached them, rubbing his neck.
“John… I… um… I get that you probably want to leave. Can we… can we talk again first?” Dave turned to Rodney, obviously feeling unsure. “Your words…They've made me think... Can I talk to John alone for a moment?”
The corners of Rodney’s mouth twitched, clearly debating with himself whether or not to comply with the request.
But John beat him to it. “No. Rodney can hear everything you want to say. Like he said. He's family. He’s… more than that actually.“ John looked Rodney in the eyes, willing him not to intervene.
Rodney couldn’t have, even if he’d wanted to. John had said he was more? More what? His throat tightened and his mouth ran dry as his heartbeat quickened.
But it wasn’t about him at the moment. He saw Dave nodding and then throwing a questioning look at Nancy, but before anyone could say anything to that, Nancy started to retreat.
“I wanted to talk to Aunt Roselyn anyway. Just don't go without saying goodbye to me.” She gently squeezed their arms, then turned and entered the house again.
“Would you feel comfortable going into the office building? We would be on our own there.”
John remained silent at first, but then, barely noticeable, he nodded, motioning Dave to go ahead.
They walked the short distance in silence, and when Dave closed the door behind them, Rodney felt nervous and trapped. God, if it was affecting him like this, how must John feel? He looked furtively over to him, but John's face gave nothing away.
In contrast, Dave's features had tightened, showing his determination. Although he still seemed to struggle for the right words.
“So?” John raised his brows.
Dave gulped in some air and focused on John.
“I want you to hear me out. Okay?” Dave swallowed hard. “I often think of, you know, the times when we were still a family. When we had meals together, bickering at the table, laughing at Dad's jokes, the way Mom watched the three of us with a smile on her face, like we were everything she ever wanted. And the nights when Mom read us our favorite books at bedtime. Do you remember us sharing a bed just so we wouldn't have to sleep alone?” Dave's face turned soft again. “There were so many nice moments. I couldn't have had a better family… a better brother. I… I loved you, John. And I felt loved, too. By Mom and Dad… and by you. Then things… changed. You and Dad… you didn't get along anymore. I remember I didn't fully understand then, but I felt a sadness around you. There was that new atmosphere in the house of two different worlds clashing together between you and Dad. You shut yourself off. You didn't let anyone get close to you. The only moments you felt like my brother again were when you talked about flying. And then Mom died.”
Rodney's heart clenched in shock, and he immediately looked over to John. He'd never known any of that. In fact, he'd learned more about John's life in the last hour than he had in the last four years combined.
John's face was an impenetrable mask, his whole posture taut as a bowspring, while his right fist clenched and unclenched as if refraining from grabbing his non-existent sidearm. Rodney shifted, wanting to put an end to this charade, but Dave, caught in his own emotions, was still talking.
“And it got worse. I know you suffered as much as I did, that you felt as if you were in the wrong place, that you didn't belong here anymore. But when you left to join the Air Force, I stayed behind, all alone with Dad, and I… I missed you, John. I missed you so much.”
“You could’ve fooled me. You seemed very well suited to all of that the last few times we saw each other.” John's hollow, restrained voice cut through the emotionally charged room.
Dave let out a bitter laugh.
“I could have fooled you? How could you possibly judge that? You were hardly ever here. You only had one thought left, to get away from Dad. So you fled the house, you fled from your family and friends, and you fucking fled from me!” Dave rubbed both hands over his face, trying to get back his control. “There was a time when you were married, and you and Nancy visited, that I thought we could rebuild some of what was lost between us. But we never did, and after your divorce, you just disappeared again.”
“Nancy has nothing to do with it. It was all my responsibility.”
“I know she didn't. And it's not about her anyway. It's about you and me! Damn it, John, I was so mad at you. You… you just disappeared again, leaving me with Dad who shut down and filled the house with nothing but coldness. I had to pick up the pieces, I had to take responsibility. I had to be at Dad’s beck and call at all times, expected to run the family business.” Dave was lashing out now, his voice cracking, frustration written all over his face.
John’s jaw was set, his lips a thin line. “Hell, what do you think I felt at that time? What do you think I should have done? He wanted to take over my life, Dave! He'd had everything planned out for me since I was fucking fourteen! He left me no room to breathe. He held me responsible for Mom’s death. He said I would destroy the family and break my mother’s heart when she needed all her strength to fight the cancer.” John closed his eyes briefly, his voice going flat. “I know none of what Dad said was justified. I couldn't have done it right, no matter what I tried. I couldn't have saved Mom either. And yet... I loved Mom with all my heart. I would have done anything to protect her. I would even have given up flying… I… I always ask myself if, in the end, Dad was right and I left her behind… to die.”
Rodney gasped. He’d stayed quiet, letting the two brothers fight it out, but no way was he keeping his mouth shut after that! “No! John, don't say that. None of that was your fault.” He grabbed John’s arm. “Is that why…” His voice trailed off and his eyes narrowed, fixing coldly on Dave. “You don't know what you're doing to him. Let me enlighten your small—”
“Rodney!” John stopped him grimly.
Dave shook his head. “No, he's right. I did feel left behind. How could I not? But today… the way Rodney stood up for you, his energy, his belief in you, the words he said, John, it hit me in the heart. He said you don’t leave people behind, you never would. You’d rather put your life on the line than leave someone behind. If that’s true, John, why me? I needed you too. I loved you and missed you so much! I... I still do.”
“I… um… I do too.” John choked out, avoiding Dave's gaze. “There were things I should’ve done differently. But Dad cast his shadow over everything. It was put up or shut up. So I… shut up and left,” he ended bitterly.
Silence stretched, the spoken and unspoken words hanging thickly between them. Then Dave took a step towards John.
“I don’t know if you believe me, but Dad, in his last days… he regretted that he pushed you away. He told me himself. He spoke so much about you… and I, um, I got angry. It was me who was there through all those years with him. Me who was there right up to his death… and still his last words were about you. He mourned his lost connection with you. He finally realized that he was the one who broke up the family.”
Dave looked John intently in the eyes. “I never wanted to tell you. I didn’t want to give you that satisfaction. But… but… I was wrong, John. We are family. And I get that you’ve… found a second family where you are now… wherever that is… but I want us to be family again too. We can't change what was, but we can change what is and what will be. I want to have my brother back. Without ifs and buts. With everything and—,” his eyes flicked to Rodney, “everyone that comes with it.”
Rodney felt himself blushing and involuntarily leaning toward John. He bit his lip, watching as swift emotions crossed John's face.
To Rodney's surprise, John moved too—their shoulders brushing lightly, sparking a fragile moment of closeness and intimacy.
John swallowed, his nod barely noticeable. “I can't promise you that I'll see Dad in a different light. But… yes, I want that too." For a long moment, he held Dave's gaze, then he said softly, his voice catching slightly, "You know… you have Mom's eyes?”
Dave smiled. “So they say. And you've got her hair. You remember how exasperated she used to get, spending ages in front of the mirror every time we wanted to go out?”
“Of course I remember. That time when Dad went to her, telling her she looked fine the way she was, and she just threw the brush at him?”
“Yes—her aim was excellent back then, and she cursed the whole way to the ER about stupid men and their lack of diplomatic subtlety and that it was all his fault he'd need stitches.”
Both John and Dave were grinning all over their faces now, indulging in their light-hearted childhood memories.
“Poor diplomatic skills… figures,” Rodney muttered under his breath, “so you've got something from your old man after all.” He didn’t see John's fingers coming. “Ouch—hey! You don't hit your best friend just for stating the obvious,” he whined, but the warmth in his voice betrayed his affection.
“Don't say you didn't have it coming, Rodney. You haven't exactly been on your best behavior today,” John smirked.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rodney gesticulated widely. “I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not my fault your dusty relatives can't see the wonderful, sensitive man under the mop on your head. And don't get me started on their—”
Barking laughter stopped Rodney in his tracks.
“Oh my, John—don't let him slip through your fingers. Look at him, he clearly loves you for everything you are. You two sound like an old married couple already.”
Rodney froze, gazing at John in horror. Why did he always have to be so obvious? And of course, he’d let the cat out of the bag with his rant earlier. He should have known better, no matter how infuriated those morons had made him.
John, however, just gazed at him softly. After what felt like an eternity, he reached for Rodney’s hand, still up in the air, and Rodney felt long, warm fingers closing around his, bringing both hands down.
John didn't take his eyes off him. “I won't. He's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time—maybe ever.” He laced their fingers together. “I should have known a long time ago, though, but better late than never. I love him too, and I won't let him go.” The last words sounded like a vow, spoken only for Rodney.
Rodney felt John's thumb caressing the back of his hand, and he wasn't sure if it was John's grip or his own sheer stubbornness that kept him from losing the ground under his feet.
The room narrowed to just the two of them as John drew him even closer, gently bringing their foreheads together.
“It’s true, Rodney. I love you. And I thank you for being here, for coming with me, for sticking up for me, for having my back… here and… everywhere.”
The blood roared in Rodney’s ears and he felt dizzy. Could this be true? John wouldn't make a cruel joke of it, would he? No—there was an intimate familiarity between them, right here and now. They just clicked, like a puzzle piece finally sliding into place.
He felt at a loss for words, his tongue heavy in his suddenly dry mouth, breathing in John's scent like the very air he couldn't live without.
A cautious cough brought him back to reality.
With one last squeeze, John let go of his hand and straightened up again—leaving a chill where his warm skin had been.
“How about you come over for dinner later?” Dave offered tentatively. “You know, I can have the guest house made up for you… for you both. But I'd understand if you’d rather retire to a hotel.”
Dave looked at John, expectant and warm, almost like a hopeful puppy.
Rodney saw John hesitate, but then he shook his head.
“Give me a little time. I need to let things sink in a bit today.” John rubbed his neck. “We can do tomorrow.”
Dave smiled. “Good. How about lunch, then? There's a lot to catch up on, and it'll give us some extra time.”
“Okay, sounds good to me.” John looked down, staring at the tips of his shoes. “I think we should, um, clear the field now. We've already stirred up enough trouble. And say goodbye to Nancy from us. It was… good to see she's doing well.”
“Will do." Dave moved towards the door. "I'm going back in now. You can stay here for a bit if you want. I'll see you tomorrow at lunchtime. I'm looking forward to it... really.”
Rodney looked after Dave with mixed emotions. He felt as if he had met two entirely different men today. The open-minded, caring brother who had just left the office had nothing in common with the one who had treated John with contempt earlier. And he was even more confused that he should be partly responsible for this change of heart. He of all people! But all that mattered now was that John and Dave had come to some kind of understanding. He didn't mind being the bull in the china shop if it helped John. You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
But what was he to make of John's reaction? Could he really have gotten it right? Never before had John given any sign that there might be anything more than friendship between them.
“John?” Rodney winced at how small his voice sounded even to his own ears. John looked up, and Rodney's heart clenched at the raw, unguarded vulnerability in John's eyes.
“I… You…” Rodney stammered, his words tripping over themselves. “I… what did you mean by, ‘you love me, too’? Is it… again… you know… the friendship thing? Because I’d totally understand. You’re not into men—not that I’m gay either. I mean… sure, there was some fooling around at uni, but that was for scientific reasons, more than anything real. So I'd appreciate it if you’d be hones—”
“Rodney. Breathe." John reached out to place his hand reassuringly on Rodney's arm, but stopped short, hesitating before drawing it back. “I meant what I said. No more hiding. And I want to be honest—It surprised even me, but looking back, it’s what was true all along.”
This time John placed his hands on Rodney's shoulder. They felt solid and warm and real. Rodney closed his eyes, leaning into the touch as John’s thumb cautiously started to caress his neck.
Rodney opened his eyes again and sighed. “I really didn't see this coming… You never even hinted at any deeper feelings. Not ever. Just friendship. What… what changed? Why now? Why today?”
John didn't answer right away. Just kept looking intently at Rodney, then he smiled.
“You put yourself on the line—heart and soul. You should have seen your face. It drew me in. Your eyes… they said more than a thousand words could ever have said.”
John cupped Rodney's cheek. “And also, you're very attractive as a knight in shining armor.”
He leaned in, slowly, giving Rodney the chance to pull back, but Rodney wasn’t going to pull away from this.
The kiss was soft and tentative and wonderful. John’s lips felt incredible against his own, sending shivers of pleasure right through his entire body, making him wish this moment would last forever.
When they parted, John let his thumb brush gently over Rodney’s lower lip. “Thank you for coming along with me. For having my back. For making me feel like I’m the center of your universe.”
"You are. And I always will. I won't let anyone hurt you. I'll stand by you, now and forever.”
He took John's hand and entwined their fingers again.
John smiled shyly. “Let's go find the car. It’s just a short drive to the hotel. I know the concierge. I'm sure we can get adjoining rooms… with a door,” he finished softly, blushing all the way to his eartips.
Rodney thought it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.