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"And you're really fine? No more after-effects?"
A wide smile, in part to reassure Natalie's worries and in part due to a hidden amusement, spread over Nick's face. "Nat, I'm fine, really. No more hallucinations, no more pain, no more hunger attacks. I've never felt better."
"And you're not angry with me?"
"For what? For trying to help me?"
"For giving you something that could have killed you and then not being there for you when you needed me."
Nick knew her well enough to see that she was serious. Her earnest expression and the worried look with which she observed him showed a heartfelt guilty conscience. In affection he put his arm around her and pulled her into an embrace. "Nat, I wanted it, despite the possible risks. And don't forget, I was the one who wouldn't listen to his doctor and follow his orders. I'm a really bad patient." This finally brought a smile to her face; the first since she appeared at his front door and invited him for a walk through the night. Nick put a light kiss on her hair before he released her. "There is nothing you could blame yourself for. You gave me something I've desired for centuries, but never dared to hope of ever seeing again. I'm just ... just sorry that it didn't work permanently."
"Oh, Nick. We will find a way. And if it takes my whole life. This I promise you."
"You shouldn't spend your life in a lab in the vain attempt to search for a cure for me," Nick stated as a matter of fact.
"It is what I want. And nothing can prevent me from it. And don't you forget: I'm not doing it exclusively for you, but for both of us." Before Nick could answer, they'd already reached the spot where Natalie had left her car. "I've to go now. Otherwise I'll be in no working condition tomorrow. And you should go home also. Get some rest."
"Is that a prescription?"
"Of course. And you'd better follow it this time."
A wide smile enlightened the features of the vampire. He loved these playful games with Nat. In the long run of his life he hadn't met many humans who could make him feel so ... so mortal and vivid. When he was together with Natalie, he sometimes could even forget what he really was; not a human but a creature of the night; a predator whose beast was only temporarily repressed. "Nick, I mean it," his thoughts were interrupted. "We don't know yet how your body will react to the sudden absence of the Litovuterine. It might be that you'll have withdrawal symptoms. You've to call me when you feel strange or ill, promise me?"
"Promise."
"Good." Nat smiled at him before she, with a heartfelt yawn, slipped into her car, and drove away with a last wave. For a long time after the lights of the car had vanished, Nick stared into the night, a contented smile on his face. It was true; he had never felt better in his life. His excursion into the sunlight, short as it had been, had only convinced him of what he wanted; a normal, human life. And it was closer than anytime before. Today had given proof that it was more than a dream; it could be accomplished; he could go back. Feeling like in a dream, he turned around and slowly made his way back home.
***
The first thing he felt when reaching the door was a presence. Ancient, powerful and familiar it surrounded and caressed him like only one person could - LaCroix. The second thing he felt when he slowly entered the first floor of the warehouse was another stirring, another presence. Not as powerful as that of his father, but still there. And it wasn't that of Janette either.
The first thing he heard was the loved and hated voice that belonged to the powerful presence of LaCroix, "Don't go there. I made him and I'm very well capable of dealing with him myself," followed by an unknown voice, "Oh really? We got a different impression. You had your chance, Lucien." A cold shiver ran down his spine by the second cold and somehow sneering voice. Slowly, almost against his own will, Nick approached the entry to his loft only to see that the door had been broken down. Coldness came over him for he couldn't really believe that it was the work of a nameless thief. LaCroix? Maybe, if very unlikely. He had other ways of entering and leaving, which he'd proved already earlier that day. For a moment he came to a halt at the middle of the stairs to ponder the matter of the unfamiliar voice. Who could it be?
... I am offering you a choice, Nicholas. The others, those who sustain our secret, will not view this with the same patience ...
And suddenly it hit him with a sudden, terrible confidence. Nick was almost sure who this other visitor was; an Enforcer. But if so, how did they find out about the recent events so fast? And why now? He'd done far worse than this. Not in his view, but certainly in that of the ones who were chosen to protect their secret. Janette? No. She wouldn't betray him in this way. LaCroix? Did he finally have enough of him and chose to finish it right now and then? For a short moment the thought of escape was the primary urge in Nick's mind. And only the knowledge that there was nowhere to go, that, if they'd really come for him, they would find him anywhere, kept him from moving.
He took a last deep breath to prepare himself for what had been inevitable since he'd started to search for a way back, before he, slowly, yet without hesitation, went up the rest of the way and entered his apartment. Five pairs of eyes turned around to him. None of them showing any emotions; not even the icy-blue eyes of his master. Fear got hold of Nick when he let his eyes wander about the black clothed figures standing in the semi-darkness of the loft.
"Good evening, Nicholas." Nick didn't react to the familiar voice, couldn't reply for a sudden tightness in his throat when the pale light of the moon illuminated a sharpened wooden stake in the hand of one of the Enforcers.
"Nicholas de Brabant," broke the same voice he'd heard already on the stairs, the silence. "You're judged guilty of having betrayed your own kind and with that endangered the community. And I, Markus, have been sent to decide which penalty should be sufficient. "
Nick felt his knees weakening when he heard the words that sentenced his death. But he would be damned if he would give up without a fight, without at least trying to defend himself or to find out who was responsible for the sudden interest of the Enforcers in him. "Is this your doing?" His voice almost matched the one of the Enforcer in its coldness when he addressed his master.
"No, Nicholas. This is *your* doing. This time you can't blame anyone but yourself. I've warned you; over and over. But you wouldn't listen, would you." The voice, sounding strangely impassive, caused Nick to flinch. "I cannot help you anymore. You've gone one step too far."
"But it didn't work," he tried to defend himself, his voice, although barely more than a shaking whisper, echoed uncomfortably loud in the room. "I'm still what you want me to be."
"It doesn't matter," he was interrupted again by the unaffected voice of Markus, a tall close-cropped and dark haired vampire with black eyes. "This was only the last reason that brought us here. Add to this a century long search for a cure that doesn't even exist, endangering your kind by giving your, -our-, secret to humans and, not to forget, your worst crime - going against the one who made you in the attempt to kill him." Deadly silence followed after the listing of Nick's crimes; a silence that made it clear to him that his fate was sealed. Final death. Not only for his search for a cure, that alone could have been tolerated if it would have been without success, but for standing up against LaCroix, for trying to stake him. Beseeching, he turned around to his maker, the only one of those present who could maybe help him. Nick didn't want to die. Not in the past and not yet. But LaCroix had turned his back to him. A gesture that was even worse for Nick than any spoken threat could. Had he given up on him? Would he really watch him dying?
"You know the punishment for these acts against your kind?" Nick closed his eyes in exhaustion and desperation. It wasn't a question that really expected an answer, yet he nodded. "But as a favor to your father, who strangely thinks that there is still hope for you, you'll get a last chance - if you make the right choice."
Nick had opened his eyes by the last words and tried to pierce the darkness around him, which, if possible, had become impenetrable during the few moments in which his eyes had been closed. He couldn't see anything, although the darkness shouldn't have been a problem for his vampire senses. Something was very wrong with him. In the attempt to suppress his uneasiness and an uprising panic, he focussed his attention on the vampire that had spoken to him. "A choice?"
"Yes, a choice. Either you return to the community, unconditionally, or you take your leave. The last, and for your crimes most common punishment, would be eternal death. In either case it means that you've to move on. Your presence here, your close connections to the human world and especially to Dr. Lambert, is too dangerous for us and cannot be tolerated for longer. So, what do you chose?"
Nicholas wasn't sure if he'd heard right for concentration became with every passing minute more difficult. "Taking my leave? You mean you'd simple let me go?" A loud hiss, probably from LaCroix, broke through the strained atmosphere.
"And that with only one restriction: If you choose this, it is final. You'll never ever return to the community and you'll never ever try to get in contact with anybody within the community. If you should go against this restriction, final death it will be for you. The bond between you and your master, Lucien LaCroix, will be taken from you - forever."
"But ..." that is impossible, he wanted to say when he felt a wave of nausea sweeping over him. A nausea that caused the beast in him to rouse. Like from far away he heard someone speaking. But he couldn't grasp the meaning of what was said anymore. He didn't even realize that he was spoken to. Thinking became impossible. All his attention was directed to the primary instinct that had stirred in him. He wanted to hunt, to kill, to satisfy the unimaginable burning fire in him. Reduced to a mindless predator with only one goal in mind, Nick jumped on the nearest black shadow.
***
With a groan, born out of thirst and initial pain when he tried to move, Nick fought his way back from the blackness that had surrounded him into consciousness. Slowly, he opened at first one and then the second eye before he tried to sit up. With growing confusion he looked around. The surrounding, although familiar didn't fit together with what he remembered. Shaking his head, he tried to clear his mind. Natalie had visited him and he had tried to reassure her worries, had convinced her, that he was indeed fine before she had driven home. Then he'd returned to the loft only to discover that he wasn't alone anymore. LaCroix and the Enforcers. An involuntary shudder escaped him at the thought of the events that followed. A movement he almost immediately regretted for it let pain flare up in his whole body in a degree he hadn't thought possible for a vampire. But something was missing in his memories. He remembered dimly that he'd gotten a choice. But after this there was only darkness.
"Comment vas-tu, Nicholas?" a familiar voice interrupted his thoughts.
Carefully, in the attempt to keep the strong pain he felt in bay, he turned around to the source of it. LaCroix, in his hand a few bottles, approached him. "I ... I don't know. What I'm doing here?"
"Healing."
"Healing?" The situation was becoming curioser and curioser.
Silently, for the moment obviously ignoring Nick, LaCroix fetched two glasses and filled them with the contents of one of the bottles. With a low sigh, his master took the glasses, approached the bed, sat down beside Nick and gave him one. "Drink this, Nicholas. You need to get your strength back. Something you won't achieve with your cow-blood diet."
Thoughtfully, Nick took the glass and watched the dark-red liquid before finally hunger took over him and he emptied it in one gulp. "More?" In answer to LaCroix's question Nick handed him the glass and watched hungrily how it was refilled. Finally, after the fourth glass he felt the worst of his hunger stilled and could return his mind to the questions at hand.
"You said something about healing?"
"Don't you remember what happened?" The eyes that were studying him were filled with concern. Something that, in other circumstances, Nick would have cherished, but which in this situation did nothing to soothe his worries. In the contrary, he couldn't help but to suspect that he had done something really, really stupid.
"The Enforcers?" Nick could feel how a wave of coldness crushed down on him when his master nodded and he grabbed the blanket that covered his nude figure tighter. The whole situation was something he would rather forget. But he couldn't, not if he wanted to get some answers. "I don't know. The whole evening is so ... so obscure." He didn't want to talk about it. And certainly not with LaCroix.
... you'll get a last chance - if you make the right choice ... Either you return to the community, unconditionally, or you take your leave. The last, and for your crimes most common punishment, would be eternal death.
"Don't!" Nick would have jumped out of the bed, if not for the pain that came over him when LaCroix sent images of the recent events through their shared bound. "I don't want it."
"What don't you want, mon fils? To remember or to make the decision?" The voice, even though still soft, was suddenly overshadowed with a bitterness that Nick didn't dare to explore further.
"Just tell me what happened, will you? I can't remember more," Nick asked with a shaking voice.
"The last remains of the drug in your blood played an interesting game with you. You became what you always feared. And, as if that wouldn't be enough, you attacked first me and then one of Markus 'assistants'."
"Oh, shit," Nick murmured.
"Right. You would be dead without me. I had to drain you to stop you, to save you from yourself and from our friends."
"You did what?"
"Oh, Nicholas. You don't want to tell me that you'd rather have been staked, would you?" The younger vampire could hear the slight undertone of anger that had crept into his father's voice by Nick's less than grateful behavior. Still, he couldn't stop the wave of rage that slowly rose up in him and which, through their shared bound, could be felt by LaCroix too. "What do you think *why* you feel so miserable? What do you think they'd have done to you, if I couldn't have convinced them that you weren't yourself? They would have killed you without hesitation!" When Nick didn't answer the ancient vampire grabbed his shoulder to get his undivided attention. "Nicholas, do you even realize how close to final death you have been? Or are you so deluded by your senseless search for a cure, by the influence of your precious Dr. Lambert, that you can't even see this?"
Angrily, Nick shook off the hand and left the bed with a certain effort of willpower. "Let's keep her out of this. She has nothing to do with it. It was my choice. She only did what I asked of her."
"Oh, of course, my dear Nicholas. Whatever you say. Now tell me, would any of this have happened without her? I don't think so. But in any case, it is not longer important. You still have to make a decision and as far as I can recall none of the choices offered to you included her."
In a cold voice that reflected his rage and his pain, the younger vampire retorted, "Of course not. After all it would have been something I wanted, so it couldn't be on the list." Nick knew he had gone too far when LaCroix jumped out of the bed and shoved him against the cold stonewall. A pair of cold blue eyes pierced him and tried to break through each of the walls Nick had carefully built up around himself for his own protection.
"Listen to me, my *dear* Nicholas. I'm tired of your games. For centuries I've been there for you when you needed me or my protection, it didn't matter how often you've rejected me afterwards. But here and now it is over. I'm tired of being your fill-in whenever you feel like it. Do what you want and decide for what you want, but don't count on me anymore. I will not wait for you until you decide once more that you need my fatherly advice, someone to build you up again when you're down, or simple if you want a nice bed-affair. Do you understand me?" Nick could feel himself paling by the finality with which LaCroix spoke to him. The bitterness, the disappointment and the rage of the ancient vampire flowed through their shared bound, threatened to crush Nick and made breathing difficult. His mind and emotions were in turmoil. He needed space and time to think about everything, to come to terms with himself. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to make any decisions.
"I need to go. I need time to think," he voiced the urge that drove him now.
"Of course, Nicholas. Always on the run, always choosing the easiest way out of a problem. That is what you always did. But not for long anymore. You've two more days with today before Markus wishes to hear your decision." The voice of the ancient vampire dripped with sarcasm, and Nick hastened to clothe himself, to get away.
***
Absently, Nick paced around his latest picture when he felt the soft, yet very familiar presence of another vampire. "Janette," he greeted her without turning around.
"It is so dark. I like your others better," Janette declared, pointing at the canvas that was painted with a landscape in different shades of gray.
"Well, I didn't feel like painting it different," Nick answered curtly, not in the mood for small talk.
"I heard of what had happened. I'm sorry. "
"So am I. Once more LaCroix will get whatever he wants," a statement which Nick emphasized with a thick black cloud on his canvas.
"Don't say that. You know very well that this isn't his fault. It was never more than a matter of time before they would become aware of you and your actions."
"Still, he didn't hide his pleasure by the recent developments very well."
"He saved you," Janette reminded him. A statement that in its truth hit a wound spot on Nick, and was so something he preferred not to think about more. He felt far more comfortable and safe in his anger.
"He bought me an extension. No more."
"Considering the situation, I'd say that this is a lot. After all you attacked one of them."
"So he told you this? What else did he say?"
"Not much. He was very reserved and told me in a not so polite manner that I should mind my own business." Her voice expressed the pain and worry she felt by the rejection of their master. "Nicholas, what took place between the two of you?"
Nick was careful to keep his voice bare of any emotions when he answered her, "He just made it perfectly clear to me, that it wouldn't matter anymore to him what I would do when." After a moment of silence, he, having lost all strength to mask his emotions, added in a voice that was thick with bitterness, "And I should be grateful for it, shouldn't I? After all that was what I always wanted."
Janette, maybe the only person on earth who knew him well enough to understand without words what he was going through, stepped between him and his painting and pulled him in an embrace. "Oh, Nicholas. I'm sorry. But I'm sure he didn't mean it. He might have said that in anger, but I'm sure he already regrets it. He would never do something with which he would risk losing you. Think about everything that happened between you in the past and look where he still is - with you."
"That's what I'm worried about. What if ..." His throat became too tight for him to speak.
"... if he doesn't want you anymore?" Janette finished the sentence for him. "That is something very hard to imagine. But if you really worry about this, you should do something. Maybe it would be the right time for you to tell him what it is that you *really* feel."
"I can't. Besides, it is already too late for that. Tomorrow is my own personal judgment day."
"Then you should hurry. Otherwise I fear you both will suffer needlessly. And don't do something you might regret later, Nicholas. I can imagine that eternity alone, without the people you love and who love you, is certainly more painful than final death. Don't cut the bindings if you're not completely sure. It would kill you." She gave him one brief kiss before she vanished as suddenly and silently as she arrived.
***
"Nick!" Nat welcomed him with a wide smile when he entered the morgue. "I tried to call you earlier, but you didn't answer the phone and when Schanke told me you had called in sick, I begun to worry."
"Yeah, I'm sorry for having worried you, but I wasn't at home," Nick explained with a feeling of unease. He wasn't so sure if it had been a good idea to come here. Maybe it would have been better for all of them if he simple had vanished. But that was something he couldn't do. He owed Natalie an explanation.
"Nick? Are you all right?"
Ruefully, Nick shook his head. The moment of truth was there. "No, I'm not. Not really. "
"The Litovuterine? What happened? And why didn't you call me?"
"Because you couldn't have helped me. The aftereffects were only the least of my troubles last night." He involuntarily shuddered at the memories of the recent events.
"But --"
"Nat," Nick interrupted her. He'd to say it now or he would never do so. "I'm here to say good-bye."
The vampire could almost hear her jaw dropping. Confused, she looked at him. "You didn't tell me you were going on vacation, did you. When will you return?"
"I'm not going on vacation, Nat. I'm about to leave."
Her bright eyes were shadowed as she processed the meaning of what he'd just told her. "You mean to leave like in go away and not return?" Nick couldn't say whom he hated more, himself, LaCroix, the Enforcers or all of them, when he, with one brief nod destroyed all the hopes she may have had.
"But ... Why?"
"It is not your fault," he reassured her fast. "I'm the one to blame. I thought I could get away with it, I always did - before. But I was mistaken."
"LaCroix?" Speaking had become difficult for both of them.
"No," he stated with a firmness that surprised himself and caused the woman in front of him to start. "I'm sorry Nat. I just had a rough night." It was the understatement of the year. "But it wasn't him. Without his interference I'd probably be dead already."
"Then ... who?"
"The ones responsible for protecting our community; Enforcers." He could see how Nat's body begun to tremble by the mention of the name. Even though, he hadn't told her that much about this particular organization, it obviously had been enough to instigate such a reaction.
"What did they say?"
In short Nick repeated the events of the last night. His voice, in the beginning almost bare of emotions, became thick with resentment to the end, "Whatever my decision will be, my time here has come to an end."
"But what gives them the right to decide about such things? It is your life, not theirs. Certainly there must be something we can do." Nick couldn't blame Natalie for not seeing the whole image. She knew too few facts to understand everything.
"There is nothing we could do. Their sentence has been passed and there is nothing that could change their opinion."
"We could simply go away here and start somewhere else."
A slight smile spread over Nick's face. "I wish we could, Natalie. But they would hunt and in the end also find us. And that would be the death for both of us," he explained in a low voice, even though he wasn't sure if he really meant it. Could he really leave everything and everyone behind to start somewhere new? A life shadowed by the certitude that some day they would be found and pay the price for it? No, not anymore. He was too weary of running away, too tired to deal with a new loneliness and he was sick of his chosen rule as an outcast. Besides, the thought of endangering Natalie further was more than he could bear. Maybe it would have been different if they'd found a permanent cure, maybe than he would have found the strength to fight on, but so ... No, it was better to end it here and now before anybody else would get hurt.
" ... LaCroix?"
In confusion he looked at her. "What about him?"
"Can't he help you? After all he is the one who made you and I can't imagine that he so cold-blooded that he would simple stand by and watch you die."
"Certainly not. And believe me, he did what he could. Besides, we didn't part on the best terms this morning. I've real doubts that he, even if the situation would be different, less hopeless, would be open for any suggestions in this direction," Nick stated, suddenly felt filled with bitterness when he remembered their last encounter in the morning and the hard words that had been spoken. "And apart from that, I don't know if I could do it. Maybe not even if the situation were different. I don't know if I could stand the thought of never seeing him again. For so long he has been part of my life, that it is hard to imagine it without him; despite all the problems and trouble we had in the past --"
"You love him."
A statement that took Nick completely by surprise. He never had spoken with Nat, or in that case, with anybody else, about his emotions, his relationship to LaCroix. Not even in their shared past, when things had been different, when their relationship had been more intimate, could he talk about his feelings. He felt himself flushing while he searched for something to say, something that would lessen the power of her statement. "Well, the same could be said for Janette. They are my family."
"It isn't the same. Or do you tape her talks with you with the same enthusiasm with which you tape and listen to the nightcrawler? But who am I to tell you this, you know best what it is that you feel."
"You know about this?" The sudden embarrassment, as uncomfortable as it made him feel, prevented Nick at least for the moment from pondering more about his near future and for that he was grateful. But the rest didn't hold on for long.
" It would be difficult to ignore," her features lightened for the first time since he had told her about what had happened. "And in a way I'm glad for it. You won't be alone when you have to ... when you'll move on." // as opposite to me //, he could hear her saying although the word were left unspoken. Yet, despite the guilt he felt for leaving her so suddenly, he couldn't repress his own, selfish worries of what was to become of him. As it looked now, he wouldn't be less alone when the whole ordeal was over; it didn't matter how he would decide. Of course, he would have Janette. At least for a time, until they would feel the need to move on again, to separate once more for a time. But that was not what he wanted, what he needed. Could he endure the thought of an eternity alone, without LaCroix? As annoying as his father could be at times?
Shaking his head to clear his mind from the more than disturbing thoughts, he turned his attention back to the woman who stood in front of him. "But at least it will give you the chance of having a normal life again, Nat. Something that might never have been possible with me at your side."
A bitter laugh was her first reaction. "That is something I'd gladly trade if everything could stay as it is." Her voice choked on tears, which were flowing freely now. Nick pulled her into an embrace and buried his face in her hair. And for a long time they simple stood in absolute silence. Words were not necessary anymore; everything that had been important to say had been spoken earlier.
Their last moments together were abruptly and cruel interrupted by the shrill ring of the phone. Reluctantly, they released their hold on each other, well knowing that their final good-bye was near. Nick was the first one to move, he slowly retreated to the door. "Good-bye, Nat." // May you find in your life what I could never give you //, he added silently, before he turned around and vanished into the night, his eyes burning with unshed tears.
***
Restlessly, Nick walked through the night in the vain attempt to escape the blazing pain in him that threatened to consume him. His mind and his emotions were in such a turmoil, that he didn't even realize that it had begun to rain. In less then twenty-four hours his whole life had been turned upside down; everything that had meant something to him had gone up into smoke. And it was not over yet. For a short moment Nick considered whether to go into the Raven to seek out Janette's company, either silently or to talk to her. But as soon as the idea turned up, he dismissed it again. The thought that he could perhaps stumble over LaCroix didn't appeal very much to him. Not after their last encounter. It wasn't his sneaking remarks which Nick feared, but his silent and ultimate rejection, to see that his father meant what he had said to him. It would be another nail in his coffin, literally spoken of course. Still, Nick didn't know if he could go on, if he could be what was expected of him, without the knowledge that LaCroix would be near. The connection between them had been strong from the very first moment on they had laid eyes on each other. A connection that in it's depth never had ceased. Even after Nick had begun to search for a cure, he could be sure that LaCroix was never far away. Father, Brother ... and sometimes even more, at least as long as Nick could dwell in his nature without the regrets, the guilt that he had carried around with him already as a mortal. And before he became too afraid of the severity of his own feelings towards the ancient vampire, Nick admitted, quite aversely for it was something he would rather forget. It was far easier to blame LaCroix for everything than to admit his own mistakes. Would the situation now be different if he had chosen a different path so long ago? If he had avowed his feelings, despite their frightening intensity, instead of keeping them a secret and excluding his father from his life?
Miserably, Nick shook his head. It was senseless to ponder about the past. It wouldn't change anything abouthis current situation orhis future, which, at the moment, looked rather dark.
... final death, unconditionally returning to the community, or leaving - for good ...
Nick couldn't say that any of the choices sounded appealing to him. If it was up to for him, life could go on as it was. Not that the Enforcers were interested in his opinion. A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes appeared on Nick's face as he imagined how he would stay before Markus and convince him from his point of view. It was an image that was so ridiculous, that Nick broke out into a laughter that sounded neither relieved nor honest. And although Nick recognized his sudden outburst at what it was, a hysterical reaction to the tension that was upon him, he could only stop when his knees touched the ground and his exhausted body was rocked by pitiful sobs that had replaced the laughter.
***
He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally became aware again of his surroundings, how long he'd knelt in the dirt of the street with rain pouring down his shivering body while he'd cried out his anguish, but it must have been longer than it was good for him for in the east he could see the first light of the dawn that would bring the new day. And although it was a certain sign that he was already too late, that he would have to hurry to reach shelter within time, Nick couldn't will his body to move. As if spellbound he stared into the ever growing dawn, recalling the feeling of the sun on his face only the day before, a feeling that had been the beginning of the end - his end. Those memories were followed almost immediately by a thought, an idea that provided him with a perverse pleasure. He didn't need to choose, he could beat the fate. He only needed to remain a bit longer and let the dawn do the work. Short pain with a privilege he'd given up so long ago - to feel the sun a last time ...
... always on the run, always choosing the easiest way out ...
"Can you not simple shut up; only for once?" Nick growled to the imaginary voice in his mind that had hunted him for so long. The eyes of the vampire took on a light yellow color, a certain sign that the beast in him was about to emerge. It was the result of a sudden upwelling anger in him, but also a warning of his body due to the rising day. A sign Nick couldn't ignore any longer if he hadn't plans of making the work of the Enforcers any easier. Besides, he never had a real intention to die, not if it could be prevented. He would show all of them that he was very well capable of dealing with his problems; that he was able to face and to deal with the consequences of his actions. He would be damned if he would give them the pleasure of seeing him breaking down. And so, with a new strength, a new sense of power, Nick went into the air, forgetting everything about the ridiculous idea that had come to his mind just a few moments earlier.
***
Disgusted, Nick paced through the chaos in his loft. The vampire in him had been fully aroused when he finally, more or less in the last minute as his burned skin still proved, had reached shelter from the deadly sun. All his instincts have been fixated on one thought: Survival. And so, in a desperate run against time and sun, he'd headed towards the blinds to close them, not caring what stood in his way or hit the ground. After that he had combed his whole apartment to find something to drink. Something beside Protein-shakes and cow-blood, something that would stop the burning sensation of his skin. With the result that now his belongings lay shattered and broken around. But at least his search hadn't been completely fruitless for in the last corner of his fridge he'd found a half-full bottle of blood, obviously stored there by his master.
Like a trophy he carried it now to the sofa where he sat down and opened it. For a moment he bathed in the tempting smell of what he'd denied himself for so long, before he put the bottle to his lips and consumed the valuable liquid in one go. Carelessly, he then throw the empty bottle aside. Why bother with keeping order or cleaning up when his time here had come to an end anyway? His whole body tingled as a result of the blood and Nick could feel how it healed the worst of the damage the sun had done to it. Comfortable warmth spread through him and for the first time since the whole trouble had started, he felt something like peace welling up inside him.
Slowly he stood up and made his way towards his HiFi-system.
... You love him ...
Could it really be that everyone knew his feelings better than he himself? Both, Natalie and Janette, seemed to be aware of them.
Absently, Nick pressed the playbutton of the player, before he returned to his previous position on the couch.
//I'm listening too. I hear your thoughts. You feel you're alone, but you're not. I feel your pain, your frustration, your hunger for justice. I am the Nightcrawler. I feel everything. Come to me. Now. //
The voice filled the air around Nick, caressed him, gave him a sense of security and allowed him to relax for the first time in almost three days.
//I can be your strength when you have none. I can be your wisdom, your truth. And all you need to share with me is your very soul.//
And that was exactly where the problem lay. Could he do it? Could he give LaCroix what he wanted, what Nick himself needed? Could he lay bare for him his soul, his innermost feelings? Was he ready for it or would he feel the urge to escape again as soon as their relationship got more intense? And even more important: Did his father still want it, still want him? Did he still have a chance to gather and fix that what has been broken over and over again? Nick only could hope that it wasn't too late. For that was the only thing he could still hold on with everything else around him shattered. He needed the ancient vampire now more than ever in his life. Needed him to help Nick to find his way back into a life he'd rejected for so long but now had no other chance but to embrace. He needed to feel his protection, his love, to go on, to start anew.
//However worthless you feel my friend. However bleak it all seems in the end you can come to me. You'll always have something that I value, part of you that I'll always welcome. Trust me. Because I am the Nightcrawler and I want all of you to love me.//
A brief, bitter laugh escaped Nick by the irony of the last sentence for that was something LaCroix always had; even in their most difficult time together.
***
Nervously, Nick stood by the window, impatiently waiting for the sun to set so that he could do what needed to be done. Despite the late afternoon hour the vampire hadn't been able to find sleep. Instead he had spent the time to pondering the recent events and trying to soothe his guilty conscience towards Natalie - and himself. He felt guilty for the willingness with which he'd gotten used to the idea of not only moving on, but also to return to a place that was his since he'd been reborn in this life. But, and that he could now after a day full of reflections freely admit, he was glad that it was finally over. That the choice between the vain search for a cure and to embrace his true nature had been taken from him. Somehow during the day Nick had felt that the need to fight on, to involve himself in never-ending, useless struggles, was finally over, that he now was ready to embrace what had been offered to him so long ago. Now the only thing left to do was to convince LaCroix that it was truly his decision, his wish and not something born out of despair by his current situation. Because it wasn't. His encounter with the Enforcers had been only the last input he'd needed, but wasn't his main reason. He didn't want to fight or run anymore, but to accept the peace that his nature offered him. Nick was weary of staying between two worlds without really belonging anywhere. He wanted to go home, wanted to share his life with the only person that could give him everything he needed and whom, even sometimes only in a very hidden corner of his mind, he loved with all that he had.
Finally the last traces of light had vanished, and Nick went into the air. In no time he reached the house that he'd left only a few days ago in anger and bitterness after LaCroix had been finished with him. It was dark. Not a single light could be seen and even without his sharpened vampire senses, Nick could have said that it was empty. For a short moment desperation came over him. Could it be that his father had left town without telling him anything, without even waiting for Nick to make his decision? He hoped not.
His next destination was the Raven. Even if the ancient vampire wouldn't be there, Janette could tell him about his whereabouts. In any case - he would find him and they would talk even if he had to search the whole night for him. His face was a mask of determination when he went around the building where he'd landed and towards the front door of the bar. Without looking right or left, without paying any attention to the small crowd of mortals that waited for admittance, he entered. But only a few steps later his stopped in his motion. There, on the table in the corner, sat the man he'd searched for. But he wasn't alone. With him was Markus, the Enforcer he'd seen only two days ago. Like frozen he watched them, unsure of his next steps. He'd no desire of meeting Markus again, not after all that had taken place and certainly not before he'd talked to LaCroix. But what other chance did he have?
"Nicholas! What are you doing here? To be truthful, I hadn't expect to see you here tonight."
A slight, uneasy smile spread over Nick's features. "I wanted to ... talk."
"Ah! But my assumption is certainly not wrong, that I'm not the person you searched for?" Janette asked after she saw what it was that had captured Nick 's interest.
"No. This time I wanted to speak with LaCroix. But I can see that he is busy. And I've no real desire to deal with his visitor. Not before I got a chance of talking to him alone."
"Oh, mon cher, that I can imagine. But Markus came here in the search for you and he was quite furious it seemed. I can see no way how you could avoid him. Do you know then what you will to tell him?"
"That I do. Still I'd have preferred to delay this encounter a bit longer." In this moment the attention of the two vampires turned towards the entry and so towards Nick who, within the moment, felt his uneasiness grow to an almost unbearable level.
"I think it would be the best for you to deal with him now. He doesn't seem to be the patient type." Janette's voice broke the spell that had gotten hold on him.
"No, he isn't. Not really." And with these words he took the glass Janette was holding and slowly approached the two vampires who were watching him intently. With a short nod he greeted the Enforcer before he turned his attention to the ancient vampire for whom he came here in the first place, "Can I have a word with you?"
Cold eyes held his gaze for a moment before LaCroix shook his head; dismissed his request. "I think you both have some business to do," he explained with a voice bare of any emotion before he stood up, went away and left Nick to his fate. Helplessly, Nick stared after him. The younger vampire had never felt more alone in his life. Rejected by his father he was now left alone with someone, who, not two nights ago, had wanted to kill him. Nick closed his eyes, took one deep breath before he turned his attention to the Enforcer who watched him emotionless.
"You've made your choice?"
"I didn't have much of a chance, did I?" Nick asked, irritated.
An action that brought him a short, angry glare from the Enforcer, the first sign of emotions since Nick had encountered him first. "Indeed not. Otherwise I'd decide for you here and now. And I don't think you'd like my decision. If it were for me, you'd already be dead. So what should it be?" It was a statement that didn't surprise Nick and in part he could understand it - now. Not only had he endangered the whole community, his own kind, but he'd also attacked another Enforcer. A crime for which alone other vampires had died. Adding to this the list of the 'crimes' he'd committed over the years, it was a surprise that he was still alive ... "What is your decision?" the impatience in the Enforcers voice let Nick realize that Markus was still waiting for an answer.
Nick took one deep breath, before he, for the first time, voiced what had been on his mind for the last day, "I chose to return to the community." Now that it was spoken, Nick felt a deep sense of peace washing over him.
"So be it. You know the conditions for it. You'll have to move on and you accept your return thoroughly. And of course you will never ever do anything that could endanger the community. The next time you'll attract our attention, not even your master will be able to save you from your deserved punishment. We expect you to have taken your leave here by the end of the month. That should give you enough time to finish everything." The disappointment in the Enforcer's otherwise emotionless voice was obvious and Nick had to summon all his will power to keep his face blank, to hide the pleasure that he felt by Markus reaction. "May we not meet again, Nicholas de Brabant," and with these final words the Enforcer took his leave.
In relief Nick closed his eyes after he absently emptied the glass he still held in his hands. It was done. He'd made his decision and, to his own surprise he didn't feel the slightest stirring of regret. He'd come home. Well, almost. Now there was only one thing left to do. "And?" Janette's soft voice brought Nick back to reality.
Slowly, he opened his eyes and graced her with a wide smile which, or so he hoped, would answer her question, before he stood up. "Where is he?"
"In the back," she answered, her features enlightened with relief and happiness. "Good luck. ... And Nicholas?" She already stood behind him when he turned around. "Bienvenu de nouveau, mon cher," she said and vanished into the crowd.
***
Slowly, Nick approached the door of LaCroix's private rooms. Now that his goal was so near, he felt a new anxiety stir in him. What would he do if his father turned him down? This time for good? An ultimate rejection was the only thing he really dreaded for Nick knew that he couldn't go on then; not now that he'd finally found his way back. The powerful presence of the ancient vampire caressed Nick's whole being and awoke memories of a long ago past when everything had been as it should be. Almost hesitantly Nick raised his hand and knocked, softly. Silence was the only answer. After a moment Nick opened the door. He couldn't wait any longer. If he didn't go in now and talk to him, he would lose his nerve.
"LaCroix?" His master studied him with unreadable eyes before he turned his back to Nick. "I need to talk to you."
"Why? To say good-bye? If yes, you chose the wrong moment. I'm busy." An involuntary shudder escaped Nick by the impersonal voice with which his father spoke to him. This would be difficult, even more than he'd thought before. But instead of giving in to the desperation he was feeling, Nick's stubbornness awoke now.
"No, that is not the reason for my coming. But don't let me disturb you. Do whatever you've to do. I'll make myself comfortable over there and wait until you're finished," Nick said with a bright smile before he went towards an armchair near the window and sat down. It took everything he had to keep up the masquerade, to display the cheerfulness instead of showing the emotions that were battling in him. In a different situation Nick certainly would have enjoyed the disbelief on the ancient vampire's face, but he was far too busy to keep his own emotions under control, to prevent his father from detecting even the faintest flicker of them through their weak, yet still existing bond.
"Nicholas, I told you already that I'm not in the mood anymore for your games. So why don't you tell me the reason for your being here, so that afterwards we both can go on with our lives?"
"You don't want to know how my talk with Markus went? What my decision is?"
"I know you and your desires well enough to be sure that I'd rather not hear it, Nicholas. So why don't you simple go now, get everything in order so that you'll be able to take your leave as soon as possible?" Nick had to swallow hard at this statement. So LaCroix thought him really capable of leaving everything behind without looking back. Well, he couldn't blame him. Not really. After all he had done everything during the last years to drive the ancient vampire away. But not now. The time for pretense and self-delusion was over. Now he knew what he wanted, what he needed, and he would do everything to get back what he'd jeopardized during all these years.
Nick took a last deep breath, "You know, that exactly is my problem." A raised eyebrow was the only display of feelings in the otherwise emotionless face. The younger vampire stood up and walked carefully around the room. "That I could do, if you would tell me where you would like to go next. I thought about England, but I wanted to hear first what you think about it, if you've another idea."
The eyes of the ancient vampire glimmered for a moment as he was processing the meaning of Nick's words and then went cold and dangerous. With a growl he jumped at the younger vampire and before Nick had even a chance to recover from his surprise, he found himself lifted from the floor and slammed against the wall. The intensity of the impact left Nick breathless and with a low moan he sunk to the floor when the ancient vampire released the hold. Unfocused his eyes looked around until he could finally make out again the blur figure of his father above him. Red eyed and fangs visible, he towered over Nick like an avenging angel ready to strike at any time. Nick just opened his mouth to say something that would prevent a further onslaught when LaCroix attacked him again. Obviously completely furious, he jumped at Nick and hit him across his face. Like through a veil he heard LaCroix snarling at him something that sounded like, 'Finally enough', when his head snapped aside. The younger vampire propped himself up on hands and knees to keep his balance.
While he was still thinking about a way out of the madness that suddenly ruled the situation, a small blood-drop from his cheek landed on his lips. And with the first taste of the bitter-sweet liquid, he could feel himself changing. His fangs grew and his vision blurred shortly while his eye color altered. With a growl he looked up when his metamorphosis was complete. Nick glared at the man who'd dared to attack him. He didn't recognize the other vampire anymore as his father, but saw in him merely an enemy who had threatened his life. The vampire in him was fully awoken when he, with a loud grumble, jumped to his feet and onto the taller figure that loomed above his kneeling body. Having the element of surprise on his side, he managed to get the other vampire off balance so that they both landed on the ground; Nick on top. In triumph, he tried to get in the right position to bite and drain the other vampire. His victory, however, was only very short-lived for before he could succeed in his attack onto the other's neck, he felt himself kicked away and thrown against an empty shelf. Countless splinters of wood drove into his back before the shelf finally collapsed on top of him, causing Nick to cry out in pain. Breathing heavily, he simple lay there, waiting for his blood to heal the damage done to his body. Blinded by rage, Nick glared at the older vampire who approached him swiftly. But although everything in him ordered him to stir, to get his revenge, he couldn't move. His injuries were too severe and would need time - and blood - to heal properly. Forced to remain immobile and so completely helpless, he watched the other vampire kneeling beside him; eyes clouded by absolute rage his fangs slowly approached Nick's neck.
Soaring pain swept through his body when the expected bite came. Nick could feel how he was slowly drained; could feel how he became weaker and weaker. Yet, he could not only feel the blood leaving his body, but also the burning wrath that had fired the beast in him to rise in the first place. His mind was no longer clouded. He knew again who the figure above him was and what had happened. He was himself again. Weakly, he struggled against the hold of his father; in vain. LaCroix was still drinking when darkness slowly and certainly claimed the younger vampire. Nick knew that he was about to die. Yet, not even with the last bit of consciousness, could he blame the ancient vampire. After all it had been his fault as much as LaCroix's. And to be truthful, to be drained was certainly a more pleasing death than what the Enforcers would have had in store for him. His only regret was that there wasn't any time left for them to come to terms with each other.
***
"Que-est-ce qu' tu, non, on a fait, mon fils?" The voice was strangely familiar and caressed with its softness every fiber in his body. "Nicholas, it's time to wake up. You have to come back. You need blood to regain your strength." Nicholas couldn't do as he was asked. Not only that it was beyond his strength, but he also wanted to stay were he was, wanted to enjoy the safety and the peacefulness of the darkness that enclosed him only for a little while longer. And for a long time he did so, drifted on waves of comforting blackness free of boundaries and obligations while listening to the soft voice that spoke to him words which meaning he couldn't digest. But then his attention arose. A special smell reached him and surrounded him completely. A smell that was far too tempting for him to withstand its temptation for long. And so, almost without him being aware of it, he grabbed the source of it and bit. The appealing smell was followed by an even more luscious taste when he, first slowly then with more force, absorbed the offered liquid. And with the blood came the emotions. Deeper and deeper he drunk the life essence of his father. Absorbed every thought, every feeling the other vampire had felt during the last two millennia's. Grief, loneliness, joy and regret alternated until everything blended into one another. Yet, above the mix of emotions was one that was more powerful than the others. One that gleamed stronger than the other emotions ever could. Love. With relief and wonder to the same amount, Nick bathed in the feeling; let it caress and heal him.
He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally could let go of the wrist. His eyes flew open when soft, warm lips brushed against his forehead. A small smile spread over Nick's lips when his eyes fell onto the familiar figure of his father who sat beside him on the floor. Carefully, he tilted his face up to catch the next kiss with his mouth before he leant against the strong, muscular chest of his master and allowed himself to be held, to be kept save in the familiar, comforting embrace of the ancient vampire.
"Nicholas, I--," before LaCroix could continue with whatever he had to say, Nick abruptly silenced him with a kiss. The time for talks was over; at least for the moment. All that had been needed to be said, they had read through their blood. There were no more secrets between them. Now was the time for healing. To cure a relationship that had suffered so much damage and to heal the wounds they'd caused each other in the past.
***
Silently, two shadows stood at the roof of Nick's former home, watching the woman that rummaged through the chaos Nick had left when he was here last, almost two weeks ago. Tears formed in Nick's eyes when he watched the woman to whom he had been so close for the past few years. A woman he'd to leave behind, for her and his own sake. Obviously sensing Nick's distress through their wide open bound, LaCroix encircled him in his arms. An intimacy to which the younger vampire reacted with an involuntary sigh of contentment. However painful it was to leave the life he'd cherished behind, he got far more than he'd ever dared to hope.
"Second thoughts?"
The voice was low, even for the sensitive ears of a vampire difficult to understand, yet the fear behind the question was unmistakable. And for a moment Nick remained silent, searched for a feeling like resentment or regret. But there was none. A slight smile on his lips, he turned around to face the ancient vampire, "Non, mon amour. Pain of parting, but that is all."
"It is for the best." The voice was filled with genuine sympathy. Nick nodded. There was nothing he could or would say against it. The recent developments weren't all that bad. At least Nat now could live a normal life and have a real relationship. And he? He'd found his family again.
//They say if you love someone, let them go. If they're really yours, they will learn their lesson and return. You will come back, Nicholas. I can wait. I've all the time in the world.//
"You taped my show?" The amazement his father radiated, when suddenly the sound of his own voice filled the air, was priceless.
"Always."
Instead of an answer, LaCroix suddenly grabbed Nick and pulled him into a tight embrace. An action that told more than words ever could. Then, with a last kiss that left Nick breathless, he released him. "It's time to go, mon fils. The world is waiting."
And with that they took to the air and melted with the night. They were on their way to a new future; a future together.
-- END--
Translation:
Comment vas-tu, Nicholas? -- How do you feel, Nicholas?
Que-est-ce qu' tu, non, on a fait, mon fils? -- What have you, no, we done this time?