Chapter Text
She lays there, in a field, surrounded not by flowers nor green grass, but by a pool of blood. The sky is clear, like on a frosty and shimmering winter day, but it is not yet winter. Sure, the leaves have fallen leaving the dark branches like a web around the sky, but the harsh cold and inevitable loneliness was still to come. For Peggy it had already reached her, slowly crawling up her body to at last be put to rest in her head, and there it would lay until it would take complete control over her. Now it was about to.
Peggy was the type to accept their fate. If something happened, it happened, and there would be no such thing as time travel to change the past. What was done was done. And now she thought she was; done. The bullet had hit her in the stomach. She did not have the strength to check exactly where, but most likely somewhere vital as blood didn’t seem to stop gushing out. Two pale hands covered the wound, staining them red. Every decision she had ever done, every gun fired, every word with her, everything, had led to this. And so she had accepted even this tragic fate, her death.
One important thing to understand is that Peggy had never been afraid of death or pain. That was all a part of her miserable life, and she could often see way ahead when something was going to happen. The missions she was sent on often had the purpose of stopping the pain and suffering, but sometimes the circumstances were just too perfect to not let it happen. Such as when Dottie disappeared just recently, and Peggy could not do other than watch her go away.
And also such as now, bravely facing death, just giving control to the universe. She did not want to admit it to herself, but she felt a sense of peace when her mind started blacking out and her whole body was tingling. But then there was also the part of the dying process that only people who had come back from the dead could (not really) understand, the part where all your memories come flashing back. The most painful part, knowing you will lose all these precious moments in life, and having to relive the worst ones.
”Margaret get inside now”, a stern but playful voice ordered the little girl running barefoot in the rain. But Peggy could not get enough of the feeling of rain tickling her body as it rolled down her sunburnt cheeks and arms. She looked to the sky and could spot a rainbow, with all its beautiful colors. She wanted to be a rainbow. Something that people look for in the darkest of times, that could brighten up a whole sky.
Her smile grew wider just thinking about everything she wanted to do when the adolescent years would catch up with her. Then the sky turned grey and the raindrops started to hurt and not a trace of her smile could be found anywhere as a strong and harsh hand grabbed her arm. ”Margaret, listen to your goddamn mother, stop playing around and go inside and help with the chores. You are not a child anymore.”
The last thing her dad said was true, she was no child anymore. She was 8. It was expected of her to do the womanly activities in the house, such as cleaning and cooking. Peggy knew she was irresponsible, but running around outside always had a tendency of making her forget reality. So when she was brought back to it by her father, she decided it would be the last time she looked for the rainbow.
She had received first one slap, and then two, and then three but no more than three. Peggy laid in bed wincing at the pain around her wrist from her dad’s ruthless grip. ”Are you in bed and ready to sleep?” her mother asked with a slight tone of uncertainty. Peggy mumbled an answer and her mother walked to the side of her bed and carefully intertwined their fingers.
Peggy didn’t want to appear weak, so she swallowed and pushed back a cry. ”My sweet, sweet girl. You must be careful with the actions of your hands, they can hurt more than you may think, because strength does not just come from a strong body, but also from within. Do not become your father, do not use your hands to cause pain. I love you.” Her mother left him that night, for when she woke up the next morning, he was nowhere to be seen.
It was her first ever kill. No please not this memory. Please. She had recently begun her journey working at the SSR and was now instructed to assassinate her first target. She was told the man had connections with a nazi corporation and was viewed as a threat to the US nation. She had been nervous the whole time leading up to the actual kill, but when she finally stood face to face with the enemy, something else took control over her, perhaps the will to survive, or the instinct to kill. The gun went off and Peggy was frozen in her place. No flinch. Because when she looked into the man’s eyes, she saw her dad, and she remembered the agony he had inflicted upon her. She saw her dad and pulled the trigger. The man screamed and fell to the ground, filling the floor around him with fresh blood. One of his lungs was hit, and even the sound of choking on his own blood and yelling in pain didn’t seem to wake Peggy up. She did not want to realise what she had done, so she left him on the ground, dying. A week later it turned out that the SSR had targeted the wrong person. Peggy had ripped an innocent man’s life out of his bare hands. With her own, hands.
”Ah, Ms. Carter. We’re pleased you finally decided to join us.” The sergeant greeted sarcastically. Peggy would have usually said something along the lines of ”It’s Agent, Agent Carter” or simply burn a hole through his head with her fierce eyes.
But this was not a ’usual’ moment, for she was standing on crutches balancing on one foot, dragging the other one on the gravel behind her. It had been injured during an attack against soldiers from the USSR, crushed between two army tanks. The surgeons were unsure if the foot would ever mend and occasionally contemplated whether or not to amputate it. The decision to keep it was made after Peggy had woken up high on pain killers and shouted at the nurses that if they were to remove the foot, she would remove the other one herself, and that made the doctors so scared they did everything they could to heal it.
So there she stood, and walked around camp, even though streaks of pain shot throughout her whole body with every step she took. So she answered the sergeant, ”sure”. A round of scoffs made its way around the soldiers standing together.
She would always be looked down upon, no matter how much better or smarter or stronger she was compared to the men. She would always be the nice little thing for them to look at during war times. And she hated herself for it, felt disgusting. The amount of times the men had shouted or whistled at her were too many to count. She viewed all of them the same, even the nice ones. So she was called the bitch for treating them the same way they treated her.
This whole situation had escalated one quiet night when the distant echoes of the bombs falling had stopped completely. Peggy was situated by her post keeping an eye out for even quieter enemies when a light hand caressed her shoulder from behind. ”Hello, Miss Carter” he said with a whisper. The volume of the whisper was low, but it still succeeded to reach her ears with a sound louder than the bombs. ”Sergeant” she answered back.
She felt her whole body tense up as he tiptoed around her and with a smug smile stopped right before her. ”Is there a situation I must attend, Sergeant?” Peggy finally managed to speak. ”How is your foot, miss?” Peggy’s breath shallowed and her eyes darted from place to place on the ground, until they finally landed on his. She opened her mouth to speak but his hand was quickly drawn to her lips, hindering any words from leaving them. The rest she can not remember, and lucky that because she doesn’t want to.
But something feels odd, Peggy thought laying there in the grass. Why can I almost remember his brutality, pinning me down to the ground, stripping away any sense of dignity I had left? I don’t want to remember. I tried so hard to forget this, why is it all coming back? It was the first time ever since it happened that she experienced that night again, with memories fully restored. It was the worst kind of agony, because she had to relive it all again, in hindsight knowing what she could have done to prevent it. Now she just wanted to die, finally.
But no, the memories of another time flashed before her eyes, only this time, happy.
”Peggy, Peggy, Peggy… Why are you standing so far away hon? Are you scared of little me? I won’t hurt you, get a little closer…” a certain Ms. Underwood said fluttering her lashes and pouting her lips. ”Enough, these are no times for jokes, Dottie”, Peggy tried to command her with a stern look, but failed immediately as a hidden smile crept its way onto her face. There was no point in trying to not be charmed by the black widow, so Peggy just looked at her with admiration. Dottie was tied up of course. Peggy did not plan on being killed today.
Ever since their first meeting, there had been an unspoken connection between the two. Both harmed in life, trying to paint white over the black background. One layer at a time, one stroke at a time. It takes time, and that night on camp had ripped the dried paint, everything at once, revealing once again the black. Ever since then she has had to repaint everything, just like Dottie had. The connection consisted of understanding and hatred, not for each other but for the world that never seemed to try to redeem itself. But the anger from the hatred was not directed at the world, instead they took it out on each other, which felt satisfying in the moment because none of them actually became hurt.
They were both too smart to outsmart the other. But now Peggy had the upper hand, which felt really satisfying. Though she never knew if Dottie had any tricks planted up her sleeve. In this moment however, Peggy was, how to say it, in a seduced state, distracted by the innocent eyes falsely displayed on her favourite girl.
This was Dottie’s specialty, hypnotizing the prey like a siren with her angelic song. And she always took this opportunity to gain control. She had discreetly picked the lock with a small metal wire she always kept, well, in her underwear. And this time Peggy had not checked there well enough, even though Dottie could feel her hands searching that particular place a little too long.
However, this was going exactly according to plan for Peggy. She had predicted this little game with Dottie, and was prepared. Dottie’s hands were no longer tied to the chair behind her, but she continued on with her innocent act. Peggy was not deceived by it.
She walked up to Dottie, looked deep into her eyes, and quickly grabbed her wrists when they flung out from behind her back to hit Peggy. It was a contest of strength, Dottie pushing her arms out to escape her grip, and Peggy grabbing tighter and tighter around her delicate wrists. Peggy thought that for such a petite body, Dottie showed strength like none other.
She realised that Dottie was at the moment winning the arm wrestling and remembered what her mother had said: ”strength does not just come from a strong body, but also from within” and so she thought of nothing other than to surprise Dottie, with…
…a kiss,
which definitely required some mental strength. And sure enough, Dottie’s body softened and Peggy could take a stronger grasp around her wrists. But she didn’t stop the kiss. Peggy slowly moved her hands from Dottie’s wrists to embrace their hands. The kiss was passionate and she became lost in Dottie’s warmth, it felt so different compared to her usual cold demeanor.
But in a matter of seconds, Peggy’s arms were twisted and she was tackled to the ground. Laying there on the concrete floor, she saw the silhouette of the woman she just kissed rushing out of the room, leaving her already longing for more. She wasn’t sure if she would have ever let go of the kiss if Dottie hadn’t broken it up, and was because of that fact happy she had. So maybe Dottie won this time, but Peggy was not a woman who settled for defeat.
It was a hot day in spring. The birds were chirping the tune of early summer and the city was as busy as ever with people and cars and joy. Peggy could not stand the constant noise of honking and tires screeching nor the crowd of people moving in rhythm around the buildings. She had to get away, and had planned on doing so by borrowing one of Mr. Stark’s cottages situated in the country side. The most difficult part was driving out of the city as cars blocked the road, and it seemed like the people driving got their driving license from a general store. She was exhausted from the heat and the window was rolled down in her little Volkswagen Beetle.
A recent mission had failed completely and her confidence and motivation were as low as ever. A break from work was much needed to regain energy. Well, of course she never really caught a break, there was always something happening or someone needing saving. And what she hadn’t noticed was the black Ford that had taken every turn and stopped at every light behind Peggy.
After 2 hours of driving on tortuous roads, seldom meeting another car, she could finally spot the wooden house. It laid in a beautiful field, surrounded by the thick, dark forest. The contrast between the dark green spruce trees and the colorful field made it look like two worlds colliding. The dark meeting the light.
She unlocked the door with a chunky and rusty key, having a little trouble turning the key just right to hear the click. The door opened with a creak and Peggy unwieldy dropped her bags on the floor. The sun shining with streaks of light through the kitchen window revealed the dust whirling around in the air. The last time someone had lived there must have been an eternity ago.
Peggy contemplated taking a deep breath to finally let go of the stress but understood that the dirty air would clog her lungs and the coughs would echo on the empty walls, so she withstood the temptation and opened the door to the backyard. In reality it was a lot bigger than a backyard, the whole flowery field behind the house belonged to it. She knew it was going to be a calm week here, and it was at this moment she made the mistake to relax.
Laying on the terrace feeding her body with sunlight, Peggy could spot a shadow quickly escaping from her field of view. On instinct she quickly sat up and started searching the area. It could have been just an animal, perhaps a bird. But this type of ambush she knew by heart, because she was usually the shadow.
Everything fell silent as Peggy waited. The birds stopped singing and the wind stopped blowing. Slowly, she rose to her feet, hearing her heart beating. As she turned around, her heart beat a little faster when she saw the person before her. Of excitement or fear was hard to say. ”Hello Peg” Dottie said with a smirk as she tilted her head to the side.
Peggy was frozen in place. She quickly threw her hand to hit Dottie, but Dottie was faster and captured her wrist in a strong grip. Now the roles were reversed. Their faces were merely a decimeter apart and their eyes were caught in one another’s. Peggy’s eyes darted from Dottie’s ice blue irises to her lips, up and down, up and down. Dottie was the first to go in for the kiss. Only this time it wasn’t to create a distraction, but for the mutual love and affection they shared for each other.
It was not very different compared to their last kiss (for it had not been their first), it was deep and delicate. They were careful to not take the wrong step and scare the other away. Their lips parted simultaneously but their foreheads stayed in touch, resting their heads full of regret and pain against each other. This had not been Dottie’s assassination plan nor Peggy’s vacation plan, yet here they were.
”Do you want to come inside” Peggy finally spoke. Dottie’s eyes widened and Peggy could not understand why, until she said: ”Oh, you mean the house?”.
This memory was from that same time, because that vacation was most likely Peggy’s best and happiest. Dottie was allowed to stay over on the terms that she didn’t try to kill Peggy and vice versa. The first night was magical for they shared the same bed, and some bed memories too.
But after only a day or two, petty arguments appeared between them like they were an old married couple. They were resolved, but the image they had for the other was ripped apart as they saw the real person through the ”normal” life they were able to share in that cottage. Dottie was not only a cold, deadly assassin, but a child that had to grow up too fast. Peggy was not only a strict rule follower but simply a person scared to do something wrong that would hurt her people. But now they knew those little secrets about each other.
Three days had already gone by. Peggy was sat on the grass, surrounded by flowers, wearing her red sunglasses and reading a book. She never really had time to read, so she took the chance and did it now. A sly shadow approached her, like it did the first day, and Dottie gracefully put her hand on Peggy’s shoulders.
”What are you reading?” she asked with a surprisingly soft voice.
”I don’t know, a book.”
”Can I read it?” Dottie asked.
”Sure, I can give you it when I am done” Peggy answered back.
But that was not what Dottie meant, ”No, I mean can I read it for you?”.
Peggy was stunned for a second but then handed over the book. Dottie sat down and started reading, with Peggy’s head on her lap. The book was interesting and they both commented on it occasionally. Eventually, Dottie started unknowingly fiddle with Peggy’s hair and brushed it with her fingers. Peggy had never felt hands this soft touching her face, and she never wanted it to stop.
Dottie read until the sky turned dark and the silhouettes from the trees started to mould into what Dottie perceived as danger, scary faces that reminded her of her past. The thought of that made her heart beat faster and she slammed the book shut with a sound that woke Peggy up. They made their way inside but Peggy sensed a change of atmosphere. She did however not dare to speak about it.
The year of 1952 was rounding up. After her and Dottie’s little vacation in May, they started to meet regularly. The last time had been in October, and Peggy could not bare another day without seeing her girl. So she arranged their meeting by sending her a letter with the place and time, an occurrence not that different from the other times. Now she just had to wait until it was time.
Dottie received the letter like she so often did, and grinned at the fact that Peggy really couldn’t go a day without her. But she thought it was nice, to be needed by someone. And there was no denying that she needed Peggy too, she just had a harder time accepting it.
Even though they had met multiple times, Dottie still became nervous when preparing for their rendezvous. She spent a generous amount of minutes trying to decide on a dress, and then on which lipstick to use. She blushed for herself when she saw the ”sweet dreams”-lipstick, what a fool she had been, trying to actually hurt Peggy, kill her. But she knew her better now, and she would never hurt her again.
Peggy stood leaning against the corner of a concrete house. She had decided on wearing a black long coat, which was not something she would usually choose. But today she felt different, more confident. She checked her watch, and noticed it was past their designated time. Dottie was never late.
She decided to wait a few minutes anyway and just as she was about to leave, she felt a light tapping on her shoulder. With a swing she turned around and lit up in a smile when she saw Dottie. Peggy gave her a quick kiss and then hooked her arm, and when she did so, she could feel Dottie’s body tense up. She loosened her grip around her and lost a little confidence. She now regretted choosing this coat and began worrying if it all was a bit too much and her gaze sunk to the ground.
The rain created puddles on the dark asphalt, and looking down, she could see the reflection of her own face. Her smile faded and they kept on walking.
”We can’t go to my flat” Dottie broke the silence.
”We can go to mine” Peggy resonated, but Dottie shook her head.
”No, goodbye Peggy” she said coldly and walked away. Peggy stopped in her tracks, baffled. What was that? She tried to speak, tried to reach for Dottie, pulling her back to her side, but was completely frozen. Dottie rounded a corner and was gone, just like that. After a few moments of pure shock, Peggy looked down on the ground again, at the same puddle of rain as before. The ripples from the raindrops disturbing the surface morphed her face into something unrecognisable.
Dottie had not been herself, that’s for sure. Peggy walked back to her apartment with a bad feeling in her gut, and deep inside she regretted not embracing Dottie to never let her go. Something was wrong and Peggy knew it.
She entered her flat and looked around, and the feeling that someone had been there crept up her spine. Someone had been in her home and discreetly searched it for something in hope that she wouldn’t notice, but she did. The pillow on her bed was not in the same place it had been before she left, that she knew because the last thing she did before leaving was to look at the place where Colleen had been shot, because of her. She could never sleep in that spot again, so now, when the pillow laid there, she knew someone had broken in. She didn’t know why nor who had done it. She checked every room for clues but there were none, and not anything had been taken from her. Did this have to do with Dottie’s behavior tonight? Did she know about it? Was she the that had done it? Was that why she was late? No answers yet, but Peggy was determined to find them.
A couple of days went by and Peggy heard not a single word from Dottie. She had disappeared similarly to those times before, but this time Peggy did not understand at all. Was she scared of something? Was she in danger? Peggy wondered if she was still even alive at all, but that thought made her almost throw up.
She began searching for her love, and she would never give up. The office at the SSR were confused when Peggy had barged in and started rummaging the desks for anything that would help her find Dottie. No signs of her there, no signs of her anywhere. Peggy returned to her home, disappointed. But when she opened the door, she saw a letter thrown on the ground. A little hope lit up inside her, and she fetched the paper knife and opened the envelope.
The time here helped me see
That you and I can maybe be
Be the ones we swore we would
And be what we never could
I am the jungle, the fierce and dark
You are the blank page and within me you light a spark
They meet just as we did
In the place where we hid
Come back to me here
I love you my dear
No one had ever written something like this to Peggy. Her eyes teared up when she realised where Dottie was hiding, but she had no time to lose. Her bags were quickly filled with the most important necessities and the door was slammed shut as she rushed outside. Every word pointed to the cabin, and so Peggy followed her heart and drove there without hesitation. The pavement was dark grey and reflected the tall buildings as rain poured down. Typical autumn weather in New York.
After a few hours she could finally spot the rusty house, and the image of it started to grow bigger as the forest around her crept closer, almost trapping her. The memories of her and Dottie filled her head and she smiled to herself. Finally, she was finally going to be able to live a life with the person she loved most. But as she drove closer, she realised the lights in the cabin were off and that old feeling of the place faded.
She stepped out of the car and noticed the silence and the stillness. The time here spent with Dottie was never this dead, but then again that was in the summer. The few leaves that still clung onto the branches rustled in the wind. The rain had stopped falling. With cautious steps, she walked up the stairs and in a window peeked inside the house. It was empty, and the chair that Dottie used to sit on had fallen over. She knew she was smarter than to go inside the house, so she made her way around it instead. She faced the field, and her body became stone cold.
On the field laid something dark, but it was covered by the long strands of grass so she could not see exactly what it was. She knew this could be a trap, and if Dottie had set her up, Peggy was going to kill her.
She slowly neared the mysterious thing on the ground, eyes darting around in every direction to be able to spot every possible enemy that could surprise her. She did not even dare to look at what laid in front of her, scared of what it actually could be. She took a deep breath and locked her eyes on the black fabric she could now see, and soon her sight traveled up to a pale face. She could not breathe.
Peggy had experienced shock before, but not this type. Not the type where your soul leaves your body and your blood runs cold. She thought she could actually feel the ice cold liquid run through her veins and the whole earth rotating a hundred times faster. She just stared at the body by her feet. She couldn’t move, couldn’t think. Now the earth had stopped. Realisation hit her harder than the bullet hit her stomach.
Defenseless, she fell to the grass, right beside Dottie. Their bodies touched and so did the blood that slowly filled the area around them. She moved her hands and placed one in the middle of Dottie’s chest. Right when Peggy was ready to die with her lover by her side, Dottie whispered; ”I’m sorry, my love.” Peggy froze at those words, and she then realised that she felt a rhythm under her hand, a heartbeat.
She was not going to die with Dottie, she was going to die alone and the one person she thought loved her, had instead betrayed her. She had lost everyone due to her errors, and in her last moments, as she was losing herself, she lost one more. She lost everything and everyone, and she was lost. Lost in the haze of sorrow and blind love, all of which had led her here, to this moment.
Peggy breathed, trying to gather the strength to speak. ”Why?” was all she could manage. She did not expect an answer, and was surprised when she received one. ”I will fix this” was the last thing she heard before a gunshot echoed and her eyes closed shut, trapping her in an endless void of memories.