Work Text:
"...So I handed the last box over because I'd never seen such an angry grandma before. I was scared she was going to kill me with a pineapple. She had five in her cart. Five."
Levi settled his chin into his palm and groaned as Erwin chuckled at his story. He reached up to shift his headset, moving the microphone further from his mouth, and brought his legs up onto his chair so he could tuck his head down onto his knees.
"All for oatmeal?"
"Yeah, I'm pissed. I wanted to make cookies. I have raisins too."
A smile stayed on Erwin's face. "Just make chocolate chip."
Levi grimaced. "Are you kidding?"
Erwin was laughing again because he knew better than that. He'd offered to send Levi chocolates a few times in the past but Levi reasoned it'd be too troublesome to do overseas. Months later, when Erwin did it anyway, Levi hesitantly confessed that he didn't like chocolate and preferred caramel. Erwin sent him packages of caramel treats whenever he could, which they both found funny since Levi could easily buy the candies at his downstairs grocery store. He preferred to wait for Erwin's packages though. Exported imports were a fun thing to talk about with friends anyway.
Levi watched as the man in the video screen suddenly looked and reached down to something under his table and he realized it was probably his dog, Sina.
"Hi, girl," he said and Erwin moved his camera from where he kept it on his computer so Levi could see the sleek hound. He waved at her and Erwin scratched the top of her head.
"She's been begging to go to the park all day. Weather is nice, might as well," Erwin said and the camera was back in its original place.
"It rained all day today. I'm blaming you," Levi said, remembering the rainstorm Erwin had been complaining about yesterday. It seemed the clouds had finally reached him.
He glanced at the clock on his computer screen and let out a sigh. "I need to get going. Early day tomorrow."
Erwin's smile lessened but was still there. He waved and Levi waved back.
"Good night," he said, then paused. "Good morning?"
Another chuckle, smooth in his ears.
"Sleep well, Levi. Talk to you later."
"I'll be home early tomorrow but you probably won't be awake," Levi said and sat back in his seat, thinking about the time difference between them. At the moment, it was back to twelve hours.
"What time?" Erwin asked and whispered something at Sina.
"It'll be 3:00 A.M. for you. But I'll be up late," Levi answered and began closing down all the windows and files still open on his computer.
"Okay. I'll be up at the usual time."
"I'll just message you when I see you online."
"Sounds good. Sleep well, dear."
Levi felt a smile creeping up at the nickname and saw Erwin mirror the expression. He slipped his feet down to the floor, into his house slippers, and looked straight into the camera.
"Have a good day."
---
The box he received in the early morning was a little bigger than a shoe box and filled with a bag of Werther's Original, foam packing peanuts, a card, and a panda plush toy. Levi tore the bag of sweets open and popped a candy into his mouth while double-clicking the Skype icon on his desktop. When it loaded up, he checked his contacts and smiled at the green circle lit up beside a picture of Sina.
He pressed the call button and sat back, panda and card in hand. Erwin picked up after a few rings and Levi turned on the video function, holding the toy up in front of his camera.
"Oh, you got it. Finally," Erwin said. He was wearing a tank top and probably had pajama bottoms on. Maybe he'd never changed out of them.
"Customs probably thought you were trying to smuggle out the real thing," Levi said and stared at the expressionless face of the toy. "Airlines are dumb like that."
"Excuse me?"
Levi smirked and tossed another candy in his mouth. "Thank you for these. Duane Reades ran out actually."
"I thought you didn't buy them anymore." Erwin ran a hand through his hair and picked up a glass from his desk.
"What's it tonight?" Levi asked. "And it's been three months since you sent me anything. You really think I can hold out?"
"Just cold tea. And sorry. You know I've been busy at work. Summer season and all."
Levi shook his head with his lips curled up in a smile. He set the panda beside his computer, next to the other stuffed toys from previous packages. "I just need the otter, right?"
"Yeah. You'd be done collecting by now if you just let me buy them all at once," Erwin said, leaning forward with elbow on desk and chin on hand.
Levi looked from one plush to the next, fingers caressing the soft fabric of each animal mascot. "You like Ocean Park though. Might as well get one every time you go, because you go a lot."
Erwin agreed with him and Levi got up to get himself some juice before sitting back down, readjusting his headset. He talked about his previous day at work, about the new pottery that came in, and the intern that had broken the handle off of one of them while trying to brush the dirt out of all the cracks.
"Kid is an absolute idiot. That thing is hundreds of years old and he snaps it like a twig as soon as I hand it to him," Levi said, shaking his head. He swallowed down the rest of his juice. "I'm hungry."
Erwin had moved to sit on his bed with his back to the far wall, the camera now propped on the edge of his desk. Sina had jumped up beside him and he was caressing her side.
"Go get lunch? Brunch?"
"More like breakfast. Then again." Levi opened up another Werther's and smirked while sliding it between his face. Erwin sighed, as expected.
"Please eat real food."
"I will. When you go off to bed."
"Then I'll go now," Erwin said and moved forward toward the camera. Levi felt his heart pound faster.
"No, it's ok. I really will eat," he said quickly, hoping Erwin would stay. "Please, let's talk. We haven't in a long time."
The other man complied and settled back where he'd been sitting. Levi felt himself sink into his chair as well.
"By the way, I'll be out of town next week. All week," Erwin said.
"Where to?"
"San Fran."
"Again?"
Erwin shrugged and Sina got up and climbed off the bed. He yawned and Levi felt a little guilty for keeping him awake.
"That's what I said. Oh well. The crew is awesome so we'll probably go somewhere."
Levi hummed to himself and remembered the last time he'd looked up airline tickets to San Francisco. It wasn't anything he could afford off the bat, and it would be too last minute anyway. He pushed the thought aside.
"Maybe you should go to bed," he said and cleared away the packing peanuts and candy bag from his desk.
"Yeah." Erwin turned his head. "Damn, it's later than I thought."
"Sorry. Go sleep."
Erwin nodded and they bid one another good night.
---
Levi,
Sorry about the other night. I'm really sorry. Someone called in for an emergency and I was the only one available and qualified to fly for international. Last minute, I know, I was pissed as hell. Still am. Then there were a bunch of delays because of a storm. I'm stuck in a hotel borrowing the computer. I couldn't pack my laptop.
I hope you received my letter and present. I sent the package out early this year. I know you don't like chocolate but everyone who says that ends up liking white chocolate, so I thought I'd give it a try. You can lie to me about it later.
I miss you. I'll be home by the 16th so let's talk after. I'll sing you Happy Birthday and then do a remix with Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. Maybe throw in Jingle Bells.
Happy Birthday, dear. I hope your holiday party went well.
I hope you're not mad. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Let me know when you're free to Skype.
I love you.
Erwin
---
Erwin, I have to cancel our date. Family trip that weekend. Dad's being crazy again since the weather has turned nice. Flowers everywhere. Spring shit. I know you're flying out the weekend after, then there's my conference. Fuck. Message me when you can?
---
"Camera still broken?"
"Yeah."
Levi left his towel around his neck to soak up the remaining droplets from his freshly washed hair. He inhaled the scent of his shampoo and turned up the volume.
"I swear Sina feels guilty. She keeps whimpering around me and I keep telling her it's okay."
"She's a dog, Erwin. She'll be fine," Levi said and rolled his eyes. He opened up his email and finished typing up the saved draft he'd started on the subway. "Why are you even up this late?"
He heard some sort of alarm on Erwin's side and guessed it must've been a video he was watching. Or perhaps the television.
"Jet lag. And other things."
Levi hummed in response and continued typing, pausing now and then to reread what he'd just written and editing his message so he sounded more professional and polite. He wouldn't have cared if it weren't for the recipient, even though the other man had been the one asking for a favor.
"Sorry, am I bothering you right now?" Erwin asked just as Levi clicked the 'send' button.
"No, no. Just finishing up an email to a professor. I was asked to do a presentation at NYU. For the Fine Arts department."
"Ah."
Levi went through his inbox, deleting emails here and there and opening the ones that looked important. One from his university friend, another from his dad, something about a schedule shift for Tuesday, a thank you letter from a private college.
"I should go to bed. I'll talk to you later," Erwin said. "Good night."
"Good night."
---
Levi breathed deep and double-clicked the Skype icon. He watched as the program logged him in and he immediately set himself to invisible. There were always other people online and he was not in the mood to be talking to any of them. He wasn't even sure he was in the mood to be talking to Erwin.
He stared at the picture of Sina, at the lit up green circle, and after chewing on his lip for a few seconds he clicked the 'call phone' tab and waited, listening to the dial tone. He bit his lip hard, tore at a flap of skin that was loose from being dry all day, and he tasted blood after the sting of peeling.
"How come you never fly out to New York?"
"I dunno. I've never been scheduled to do it."
"Can't you ask? Request it or something?"
"You want to see me that badly?"
"...Fuck you."
"What?"
"Why would you say that?"
"Levi, I was kidding."
"No, fuck you."
He hadn't spoken with Erwin almost an entire month after that. Not even an email had passed between them, except for the first one Levi had received an hour after he'd abruptly hung up. Erwin had apologized profusely in that email and at the time, Levi had been too upset to respond. He realized he probably should've as soon as he'd received the message, instead of being a moody child. He ended up working plenty of overtime due to a new exhibit opening up and Erwin had back-to-back weeks of fly time. By the time Levi realized he had yet to respond, it felt too late, too awkward to even try.
A click. "Hey." Shuffling around, popping noises as Erwin adjusted his microphone. Levi left his own video feature off. He lay his head down on his desk and fought the ache in his chest.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," he whispered into the microphone.
"Sweetheart..."
"I'm really...I got so caught up in a lot of things after but I know I should've responded. I didn't...I'm..."
Levi grit his teeth and tried to drive out the sob that welled up in his chest. He pushed it down, gripped his armrests with both hands so he could dig his nails into something, and he tried to control his breathing so Erwin wouldn't hear. He hated when the man worried.
"Dear, let me see you. I want to see you, Levi."
"I'm a wreck right now. I just got in from another night of overtime."
"I don't give a shit. Turn on your video."
Levi jumped at the aggression in Erwin's voice and lifted his head slowly, clicking the video button. He wasn't visible though, since he'd lowered himself back down to awkwardly rest his cheek on the desk, the headset in the way.
"Let me see you."
"No."
"Please? I missed you a lot. It's okay, I love you. Let's talk. Let me see you."
Levi breathed deeply for a few seconds. "Give me a second. Talk to me though."
Erwin did. He told Levi about his recent vacation to Taiwan, comparing it to Hong Kong, and he read off his schedule for the next month so they could properly plan out their next few dates. His voice was so steady, so sure, and in time, Levi felt he had a sure grip on his emotions so he sat up and looked at Erwin in the square video screen at the bottom left of his desktop.
The man looked exhausted, eyes dark and hair looking a bit flat. He had a button-up that was undone down to mid-chest, and a cigarette was sitting in his mouth. Levi hadn't even realized he'd been smoking.
"There you are," Erwin said and removed the cigarette from between his lips, putting it out and smiling like they'd just seen each other yesterday.
Levi inhaled shakily and felt the sting in his eyelids.
"I love you," Erwin said and Levi reached up to brush his thumb over the man's cheek, cold and hard from the computer screen.
"I really love you, Levi."
His nostrils flared as the tears slid hot and wet down his cheeks.
---
"What?"
Levi stared at the toys sitting next to his computer, an otter nestled between the dolphin and panda. He didn't even know why he bothered with video tonight. He couldn't bring himself to look at Erwin.
"Are you serious? Are you angry at me or are you--"
"I'm being serious. I thought about it. I've been thinking about it for months. I just...I can't. Erwin, I can't do this anymore."
"Levi, talk to me."
Levi reached out and grabbed the parrot plush toy, squeezing it hard as he spoke in a quivering voice that grew louder with each syllable.
"I'm tired of talking! That's all we fucking do and I'm done. I'm fucking done. I shouldn't have spoken to you in the first place."
"Levi."
"That fucking website."
"Levi, please. Darling, listen to me."
"I just...I want things that won't happen and it's hurting me."
"What?"
"I go to all my friends' weddings and everyone asks about my boyfriend and I only tell the closest people to me about you -- that's about two people -- because everyone else will think I'm crazy. Fuck, I am crazy. Nobody even cares I'm gay anymore. They just worry about insane people online."
"You aren't--"
"I'm dating a 37-year old man who lives in a time zone twelve-hours ahead of mine."
"Levi!"
"I can't do this."
"Levi, do you love me?"
"Erwin, shut up about tha--"
"Do you love me? Answer me. Were you lying to me for three fucking years? Almost four, damn it."
Levi breathed deep and fought back the memories that threatened to spill into his already enraged mind. He released his grip on the parrot and shoved all of the toys onto the floor, covering his face with his hands afterwards.
"I wasn't."
"Then you love me."
"Yeah, I fucking love you. Yes, I'm so crazy about you and I just want to fucking see you. I just want to feel your hand for once and know what one hundred and eighty-eight centimeters looks like next to me."
"Levi..."
"I want say 'good night' and mean it because you're actually here with me and neither of us is seeing sunlight."
Levi licked his dried lips as he sniffed, hating the snot that had built up in his nose. He wiped at his eyes and dug his palms into them afterward to hold back the flood.
"Don't end it, Levi. Please, we can work it out."
"Four years later."
"Levi."
"I fucking love you, Erwin. And I'm an idiot."
---
One more time, Levi. Please.
Neither of them were children, hadn't been children in decades, but that single line in an otherwise blank email had been enough of a push for Levi to open up Skype on a chilly Autumn night. He wrapped a blanket around his shoulders, more for comfort than warmth, and steadied his breathing before starting up the program. He wasn't sure what it was that urged him to even try this again.
One more time, he told himself. Just one.
He ignored the missed messages he received from a friend he'd been chatting with the other night. He didn't bother switching his status. He only stared at the picture of a dog he'd grown to love that belonged to a man who was giving him the worst heartache he'd ever felt in all his thirty-one years of life.
The call came a few minutes after he'd logged on and he answered it immediately, wondering whether or not he should've waited a bit to gather his thoughts. He really didn't have to though. Erwin's short email had been on his mind for days now.
"Hey," he greeted and turned down the volume on his headset.
"Video?"
Levi bit his lip and gave in.
One more time.
He looked up into Erwin's eyes and noticed the shadows of his room. Erwin only had his lamp on and most likely it was dark outside, even though the man lived in a rather brightly lit part of the city.
"I'm really sorry. For everything," Erwin said softly. "I love you, you know I do. And I should've tried harder."
An exhale. Levi exhaled, too.
"I should've done more," he said in a voice barely above a whisper. Erwin asked him to repeat and he did.
They sat silently regarding one another and after a few minutes Levi reached up to touch the screen, fingers brushing over Erwin's cheek.
"Gods, I just want to touch you," he murmured in a low voice and swallowed the lump that rose from deep inside. "I don't want to end this."
"Of course not. I don't either. I've never felt like this for anyone, Levi. Even people I've met."
A wry smile appeared on Levi's face. "How did we even get like this?" he asked and leaned closer to his computer to ease the ache in his raised arm.
"'You're the guy who checks baggage at the airport?'"
A chuckle from both of them. "'Oh, are you an artist?'"
"'Sometimes I fly the baggage around, too.'"
"'Fuck you.'"
Levi inhaled slow and deep then finally let his arm drop down onto the desk. He cupped his chin in his hand like usual and his eyes slid shut halfway. The conversation was one that played itself over and over in his mind, saved somewhere on his desktop among the other chat records that he couldn't bear to delete. The thought of that folder gave him a quickly sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Hey. I have a question."
"Hm?"
Levi watched as Erwin's eyes shifted from the camera to something on his screen. The man's face was lit up with the soft glow of his computer, and Levi leaned forward so he could have a better close-up of his face.
"Is it JFK or LaGuardia? La Gorda? La Garden? The international one."
"What?"
Levi tilted his head to the side at the question because Erwin of all people should've known the answer. Then again, the guy had never flown past the Mississippi his entire life, so maybe he didn't know these types of things.
"JFK," Levi responded and watched as Erwin leaned back in his seat and pulled open a drawer from his desk. He rummaged around, pulling files and papers out and setting them out on his desk. Levi couldn't really see what any of them actually were due to the camera angle, and he tried not to get too curious.
"Ah. Shit."
The mumbled curse made him blink and he tilted his head to the other side, regarding Erwin carefully.
"You're close to La Garden though, yeah?"
Those blue eyes glanced up, not quite at him, and Levi tried to read what was on Erwin's mind while fighting back an odd tightening sensation in his chest.
What if--
"Yeah. JFK isn't that far though, I guess."
Erwin was silent for a moment as he stared down at a single sheet of paper in his hands. Levi continued to stare at him, eyes narrowing and head swirling from all the thoughts he was having. He beat them down, not wishing for anymore ache but at least a chance to return to the previous topic at hand so he and Erwin could have proper closure between them. Levi wasn't that sure if such a thing would be possible.
"Great. Then, please free up your 22nd this month," Erwin said and when Levi raised a brow and felt the annoyance rushing through him, the other man simply smiled and reached for his camera.
Levi waited for an explanation. He received none.
Then Erwin, with an unsteady yet determined look on his face, held the paper he was holding up to his camera and Levi gave the screen a second to focus, hating that there was a slight lag.
The initials "JFK" jumped out at him from where they sat on a boarding pass and he blinked rapidly, caught in a stupor and wondering what the hell Erwin was up to even though his heart soared at the possibilities and made the ache in his chest increase a thousand fold.
"One more time, Levi. Give me one last chance."
Levi felt his heart quicken, his breath growing sharp and ragged, his eyes hurting right at the edge of his lids. They stung and grew wet and he didn't bother biting down, letting his face grow hot and his hands grow sweaty.
"Please pick me up. I’ll stay for as long as you want." Erwin said, pulling the strip of paper away and setting it tenderly back into his dresser. He looked up at the camera, right at Levi, and it was like he was there.
He practically already was.