Chapter Text
I’m so fucked. I’m so unbelievably fucked, ha! Why'd I have to go and push her like that? Now I’m... F#!k it. I just gotta... just keep up the act. Keep it up, don’t let anyone see.
Jax hadn’t been easy on himself, not since Ribbit. He’d tried to open up again, but Kaufmo abstracted too, and soon enough the only people left hated him. Ragatha was too joyful for him anyway, so when Pomni joined the circus, some part of him hoped she’d like him.
“you’re afraid you’ll actually show a human emotion!” Her words rang in his brain, like sludge seeping into his veins.
F#!k... I can’t see her, I can’t get close to her, if she sees me, I- I can’t let her get close. Never again. If she- if I-
After the awards show, the circus only seemed more unstable. Caine was acting different, and though everyone else was alright, Ragatha couldn’t help but wonder where Jax was. He hadn’t come out of his room since the awards. She’s been worried sick about him, but she knows he won’t want to talk to her.
“Alright, everybody! So, uhm... one of us needs to check on him... any volunteers?”
Not a single soul raises their hand to Ragatha’s request. Gangle holds their ribbons nervously as Zooble crosses their arms, rolling their eyes.
“If the a#$@*#e won’t come out on his own, that’s his problem, not ours.”
Ragatha sighs, “h-hey now, I know he hasn’t been the... nicest... alright fine, listen I’ll-”
“I’ll do it.”
Everyone turns to look who had said that... and find the little jester staring right at Jax’s door before turning to everyone else.
“It’s... kind of my fault, anyway, I should probably be the one to do it.”
Ragatha winces as Pomni states it’s her fault. “Pomni... it’s not-”
“I’ll do it, alright? I’ll... be back”
She walks off towards his door, heart beating in her throat.
Is this right? I mean I said a lot of nasty things, but he... well he’s... dealing with things, right? So, he didn’t actually mean it... right? Maybe... I just- I'm looking for hope... where there isn’t any...
She continues to trudge over, her steps feeling heavier with each inch she gets closer to his door.
What if he’s not there...? What if he's... abstracted...? No, it can’t have been that bad, right...?
Her thoughts begin to cloud her vision until suddenly she’s right in front of his door. Nausea builds up as she raises a shaky hand to knock on his door.
Knock knock
She waits... Before hearing a rustle
“who is it...?”
A strained shaky voice asks from behind the door. It sounded almost like he’d been crying...?
“Jax...? It- it's Pomni... can I... come in...?” Her voice wavers in response to his shakiness, worry beginning to plague her heart.
He, on the other hand, is now desperately trying to fix himself up. He had thought it was Ragatha, but Pomni? Pomni he had to be ready for. He couldn’t let her know. He just couldn’t.
F#$K F#$K F#$K fix the bed fix my ears fix that stupid sad face, S#!T!
He opens the door with his usual s#!t-eating grin.
“well hello there~ trying to get a sneak peek into my room, huh, Pomni...?”
“what? No, I’m just- are you... okay?”
His smile fades for a second, turning to a frown.
Just a check in. Of course.
“uh- yeah. I’m fine. What, did Ragatha send you or something?”
“Jax, we’re worried about you, you haven’t-”
And now she’s deflecting too? Wow, I guess I really know how to pick em, huh?
“-left my room, right? And why is that any of your business? Ragatha’s only worried because if I’m not there then that means one person doesn’t like her. You ever notice that? How she needs people?”
“Jax, I-”
He steps closer as she starts to get overwhelmed.
“Do you even want to be here? Tell me Pomni, why are you even-”
And before she can stop it, she finds herself shouting out.
“BECAUSE I CARE!”
His eyes widen, frozen into a stunned silence.
“I care, alright? You- I thought we were friends, but you just- you keep pushing and pushing, and...”
An uncomfortable silence falls on the hallway. Neither of the two quite knowing what to say.
“... you... ah.”
Jax trails off into nothingness, the attempt to communicate shattered before it even got through the door.
They stand there, shifting slightly, avoiding eye contact with each other.
A feeling wells up in her as she turns to leave. “I should-”
“No.”
He didn’t even know why he said it. The word leaving his lips before he could stop it.
“you-”
“nah, sorry, forget it, I just- yeah... bye.”
He goes back into his room and slams the door behind him.
Wow, rude much? I was only trying to talk...
She's left to go back to the group as his hands start to shake. He leans back against the door to stabilize himself as he slides to the ground. He feels his mind slipping for a moment, his chest tightening.
F#$k me. Why'd I do that?? Why did I- s#!t, I f#$ked up again, god%@#mit, Pomni- why do I keep-?
He's still shaking when he hears another knock on his door.
“not. NOW!” His voice quivers as he speaks, eyes wide, hoping to keep himself from abstracting.
“... Jax?” It's Pomni’s voice again. She hadn’t left. A pit forms in his stomach.
“Jax, are you... okay?”
...No response. She gently opens the door...
“Jax...?”