Chapter Text
The dream is always the same. It begins with me jumping up and down, cheering. I am simply being blissfully happy that my team won the game. Right after smacking my own butt twice, I always look up at the bleachers in order to see my father. We make eye contact and his smiling face almost makes me cry; especially, when my father shouts ‘that’s my boy’ to all who will listen. Yes, the dream is always the same.
It’s right after the third, ‘that’s my boy,’ from my father does time start to slow down—so much so that time no longer exists at all. The whole thing is so movie cliché but my mind works like that because of all the films I watch on a constant basis. Anyways, after the slow motion happens, there’s darkness. That eerie kind of darkness that makes your skin crawl and hair stand up. I begin to see nothing but darkness and I feel faint. Every time this dream occurs, at this moment I always seem to pass out.
When my eyes flicker open it's all very Inception—where I feel as if I’m dreaming inside a dream. At this point my head is fuzzy, heavy, and things begin to blur together. I’m no longer sure if I’m dreaming or awake. It always takes about three minutes before my focus finally settles and I always wish it didn’t. Ignorance really is bliss.
I say that because every time my focus becomes clear, I realize reality is far away and that I’m trapped inside of a nightmare of my own making. What I see before me are my two friends, Boyd and Erica, being tortured. They’re in pain, trying to reach out for me. They are screaming for help as blood gurgles from their mouths and down their chins.
I really want to reach out for them; truly I do. I go to stretch out my arms to help but my body is frozen—because of course it is. The worst thing about seeing your friends being tortured is wanting to help and being completely hopeless to doing anything but watch. Always watching. Always on the sidelines. Always never able to help. I hate it. The fact that I’m so close to my friends, yet so far away at the same time is maddening.
It's as if I'm struggling against myself to help them; help save them. They're screaming and crying out for me to do something to make their pain stop but my body refuses to move. I’m trying to help but I can’t because something keeps pulling me back, so I fight my hardest to at least turn my head around and see what's going on. When I do, all I see is this monster smiling at me. The monster is blurry, like a television that is out of focus. He’s laughing at the fact that I’m trying to get away; laughing at the fact I’m powerless to help. I turn away from him and I keep trying to help, my friends, until my body finally loosens free. It’s at this moment that I’m being pushed into a corner. Every time I’m free something happens to block my progress. It’s frustrating.
As soon as I’m pushed into the corner, the monster begins to wail on me. He beats me like one does a steak to tenderize it. My face, stomach, legs, ribs, everything get punched and kicked with great force. The monster is laughing throughout the whole ordeal as well; as if me being in pain is giving this thing great life right now.
While I’m getting beat I can still hear my friends crying out as their body shakes from pure pain. That sort of intensity would have killed anyone but a werewolf by now. I try to reach a weak hand out for them but it never reaches. No matter how much I try to help them I can’t. I really want to help but all I can do is curl into a ball, hold my head, block my body, and cry. That's when the laughing stops and the blurry looking creature leans in real close and says ‘aren’t you glad your mommy’s not here to see this?’
It's at this moment that I wake up in cold sweats, my heart beating faster than it should, with my pillow soaked from all my tears. I wake up and see my dad downstairs smiling making coffee—patting me on the back saying he’s still proud of how I played the game. I wake up and see Scott smiling at me asking me if I want to have bro time and play video games. I wake up and see Allison going to classes while talking with Lydia; Jackson hanging out with Danny, and the world seems to be going on as if nothing happened.
As if there is no more darkness, or no more monsters; but there are. Because every time I close my eyes I can see the monsters, I can see the darkness, I can feel the pain that has been inflicted internally and that’s never going away. No matter how I feel, I can’t let them know that. I can’t show my pain because that’s not who Stiles is. So, I have to smile. I have to be sarcastic ,and I have defer the attention away from prying eyes because if you stare hard enough—if you really look deep into who I am—you will see there is nothing left. A mere shadow of my former self. Like a coconut, hard on the outside but empty on the in.
That’s why I’ve decided that if I’m going to continue being Stiles Stilinski, then I’m going to have to suck it up. I’m going to have to make a choice as to either leave all this supernatural world behind or never allow the supernatural to break me again. And once I choose the second option there’s no turning back. Once my innocence is gone, I'll take no prisoners, and that's what terrifies me the most.
∞
“You know what surprises me the most about all this?” Stiles has a pen cap in his mouth so his words are a bit muffled. “The fact that Isaac doesn’t want to kill Jackson. I mean we sort of all want to kill Jackson but Jackson killed Isaac’s father. Even though his father was abusive and psychotic he was still his father who loved him. If you call that love.” Stiles ponders out loud while turning to Derek.
Stiles and Derek have been working on creating and updating a new bestiary with the help of Peter. It’s been two months since the battle happened, summer is over, classes have begun and everything seems to be going back to normal but there is still some tension in the air and Stiles doesn’t have to be a werewolf to sense it.
Everyone is silently on edge, which is understandable. It’s funny, in a sad way, how everyone is pretending to be okay while secretly wondering what shoe will drop next. Stiles has mastered ignoring what he can't see in front of him. He's like everyone else, allowing himself to be delusional by thinking they've come out of this without any emotional scars. He prides himself in being able to lie and say that he’s not afraid about what the next ‘big bad’ will be. He's learning that in Beacon Hills there's always something to be concerned about. But everyone is handling the aftermath, with Jackson and Gerard, differently.
Scott has been spending more time with Isaac, trying to get the fellow werewolf to see the better side in humanity. Sadly, this is also Scott's way of creating himself a safe distraction to keep himself from thinking about the fact that Allison and he are now over. Allison, in which, has been trying to move on from going bat shit crazy and still hasn't forgiven herself from harming everyone that she did; especially Boyd and Erica.
Boyd and Erica are back now, so that's good news at least. They've rejoined the pack, have realized that leaving was a mistake, and feel horrible that they thought running was a better option than staying to fight. Not that Stiles blames them at all. They only agreed to be a werewolf so they could overcome their human troubles, not so that they could add the supernatural problems on their lists of things to worry about. The bite did cure them, and gave them their wants, but it also came at a price. A price they weren't ready to pay so they left everyone else to pay it instead. A heavy price that no one has truly recovered from just yet; if ever.
Derek wasn't completely bitter about the whole abandonment thing; he understood where they were coming from. It's because of his understanding that he welcomed them back with open arms, not admitting how much he missed them and how much it hurt when they ran away and abandoned him and the pack. Now that they are back in Beacon Hills they are trying to adjust more to not only accepting themselves but being a better version of who they are, so they'll never feel the need to leave again.
They don't want to abandon the pack, Derek, or even their families. They want to be strong both mentally, and physically. That's why they try and train with Derek more, and even hang around Derek's place to just talk with him or be near him—constantly wanting to make up for what they had done.
Peter and Derek seem to be getting along somewhat better; at least Derek hasn't killed his uncle yet so that's definitely an improvement. Stiles still doesn't trust the crazy fucker but Derek seems to be in a lighter mood now a days and less depressed, moody, and angry like he has been. Granted, Stiles understands why Derek is the way he is; the man is guarded because every time he lets someone else in they die or betray him.
It's a heavy burden to bear, one Stiles wouldn't be able to cope with alone, that's for certain. But Derek is still progressing though, trying to move on from the past. He's less on edge and Stiles assumes the alpha having a family member close by is what is helping the man cope. Derek and he don't talk about stuff like this, of course they don't. But Stiles knows the alpha has some serious trust and abandonment issues.
The teen can't even grasp or mentally comprehend what it feels like to know your entire family has been murdered just because of who you are. Then to not only have your whole family murdered, but having to identify your only remaining sister's body and finding out she was murdered by your own uncle. It's a lot to fucking take in, and then have to deal with more hunter’s right after. It has to take a toll on a person. Stiles kind of wishes the brooding werewolf would talk to someone about it, because harboring all those emotions is bound to break someone; anyone.
That's just Stiles' opinion anyways, he could be wrong. Won't be the first or the last time. He likes to make guesses, he likes to try and see what other people are thinking. Thinking is all Stiles has been doing this summer. He's simply trying to make sense of the world again. Not quite understanding why so much pain has to be caused and why so many lives have to be changed. He's also spending the summer learning how to work through the pain that he feels and trying to think of ways to prevent that pain from ever occurring again. He doesn't want to be helpless. He can't be that person anymore, not for anyone.
“Stiles, you don’t just ask someone why they don’t kill another pack member." Peter jumps in to answer Stiles' question. "That's just inconsiderate, and frankly it’s rude.” Stiles has never rolled his eyes harder than in this moment. He turns his back to Peter altogether.
“Last time I checked that question was directed towards Derek.” Stiles quickly replies, not even bothering to give Peter a glance. Derek will never admit this, out loud of course, but he may have or may not have laughed like an idiot on the inside at the offended face Peter makes before the elder is walking out the room.
Oh yea and did Stiles mention he doesn’t like Peter? Well yeah, he doesn’t like Peter. Why should he? Peter has been trouble from day one and while Stiles will try and get along with the man, he'll never be okay with him.
“Can the two of you get along?" Derek questions even though he damn well knows the answer to his own question already. "As for your question about Isaac, I have to admit that I haven't the faintest idea. I do remember Isaac telling me that at one point his father was his anchor so there is clearly love in there but I think a larger part of him understands that Matt was the one doing the controlling. And with Matt being dead and everything else going on, I doubt he has it in his heart for any more hatred or angst. Hell, we've all lost loves ones at some point in our lives.” Derek answers to the best of his ability, while still looking through the massive piles of old books surrounding him.
They are in Derek's study; yes Derek has a study. He actually has a very nice looking home that has five bedrooms, three and a half baths, and a nice size yard. It's in the middle of the woods, of course, but it's cozy and comes with a freaking study that they have been using to do research on different creatures. They don't want to be caught with their pants down anymore when it comes to the supernatural.
“I know but if the Kanima would have killed my dad Derek, I would have killed Jackson, for his third time.” Stiles admits honestly.
Peter laughs from in the kitchen and Derek just stares at Stiles for a moment; looking at him out of the corner of his eye. After spending so much time with the annoying teenager Derek’s noticed a change in him over the past few months, and while the werewolf blames the connection on pack bonding he knows deep down it’s a little more than that. That's when another strange admission hits him; Derek kind of thinks of Stiles as pack.
Sure the kid is annoying at times, asks too many questions, and is way too hyper but he's also smart, intuitive, brave, determined, loyal, and he's been the only one to really be interested in helping Derek with the research for supernatural creatures. So yeah, Derek thinks of Stiles as pack.
Derek has also noticed a change in the boy as of late. Stiles has said more dark jokes, hasn’t flinched at photos of dead bodies, and is no longer terrified of the things that used to make the younger guy’s heart skip a beat. It's like the teen is blocking something out and Derek isn't sure how to help or what to say. When one becomes immune to the cruelty of the world, that's when humanity has been loss.
“Well, Jackson has proven that he's hard to kill. I think he’s died more times than Peter.” Derek replies, sounding a little proud of himself for contributing to the joke. He's not a fan of joking anymore, because he doesn't really know what to say or how to act like himself. He's built so many walls up around him that it's taking a while for even him to knock them down.
Stiles’ eyes grow wide as his mouth hangs open a little bit in the form of a smirk; clearly he's surprised Derek actually made a joke. Stiles raises his hand up for a high five; proud of himself for finally rubbing off on the closed-in Alpha.
Derek hesitates for a moment but finally joins Stiles in a high five, just happy to see the kid smile for the first time in a while. Their hands linger together a few seconds longer than they should have and none of the two bother to say anything about it or give off any signal that the other is nervous. There's this sort of tension between the two of them that seems to grow the longer they spend time in each other's presence. The tension isn't bad, or good, it just is and neither of them have been brave enough to talk about that particular elephant in the room just yet.
“Hey?! Nephew I thought you were on my side and now I am greatly offended.” Peter chimes in thus pulling the two young men out of their trance. Peter seems to do this a lot; it's like he knows the two are either having a moment or about to have a moment and then he ruins it.
Stiles lets out a loud groan as his phone decides to vibrate in his pocket. He flips Peter off and then checks to see that it's simply a text from Scott.
*Bro time remember?*
“You have to go?” Derek speaks out, his voice a little hesitant. He's not sure why but he doesn't want the teen to leave just yet. Maybe he simply likes the company. His betas haven't been around in a while as they are spending time with family. Stiles does add some much needed humor and comfort.
“I mean I can stay if you need me, it’s just Scott.” Stiles answers awkwardly, still not moving. He kind of doesn't want to leave either, especially not for the person who's been blowing him off for Isaac all summer.
Derek waits for an answer and as he's waiting he hears Stiles’ heart beat a little faster. Then he squints and sees the teen's forehead show a little hint of nervousness and he automatically knows that Stiles really wants to stay, just as much as Derek wants him to stay. Neither of them can understand why though or are brave enough to admit it.
“Yeah, I mean it’s just we need to finish this and I’m not good with research so.” Derek trails off after giving the half lie.
“I don’t mind finishing up nephew, Stiles you can go and enjoy your youth.” Peter, the cock blocker, says as he comes back in the study.
“Peter, I would really appreciate it if Stiles would help, if he doesn’t mind that is.” Derek quips, slipping up by showing a set of red eyes.
Peter mouths ‘Oh’ then walks back out of the room the biggest smile upon his smug face. Derek is starting to really hate Peter all over again.
“In that case I’m going to go then; somewhere else. Like pretty much anywhere else that’s out of werewolf hearing range.” Peter quickly states while walking out the door.
Stiles just smiles and laughs while Derek face palms out of shire embarrassment.
“I think I will stay." Stiles decides with ease. "Do you mind if I take a nap before we continue?” Stiles asks abruptly, a little nervous about being alone with Derek like he always seems to be lately. He can't shake the feeling, that's in the back of his mind, telling him to stay.
Stiles realized about a month ago he began to have feelings for Derek. He's not even sure if you can call them feelings; but a connection? He feels drawn to the werewolf in a way that makes absolutely no sense especially considering he's been hell bent on marrying Lydia since day one. But he can't lie to himself and deny that he isn’t drawn to the Hale.
Stiles seems to be drawn to the way the man seems to understand him in a way no one else has before. Whenever Stiles admits little things about himself Derek doesn't judge, and sometimes he doesn't reply verbally he just nods and understands because he gets it. He truly does. He knows that lately that’s what Stiles has needed; he's needed silence to be able to think and cope.
Derek understanding and respecting Stiles is what is leading to the confusion in the first place. The confusion is only fueled due to the fact that when the boy is touched by the alpha there's a shiver that gets sent throughout his entire body; making it feel like it's tingly and on fire at the same time. A feeling he's never felt before but secretly craves.
Stiles wants to be able to touch Derek so much, but he's bloody terrified to. He can't let Derek get even the slightest hint about his frustrations because he doesn't want to be turned down; doesn't want the inevitable rejection that is bound to follow. He's been denied from every crush since forever. So, he’d like to keep this one a secret just a bit longer before reality reminds him how much of a loser he is. Besides, this feeling with Derek is different, and he doesn't want to let that feeling go.
“Sure. Peter’s gone so you can sleep in my bed if you want and I’ll just stay down here trying to finish up.” Derek says as he looks around the room. He's just as nervous as Stiles' heart shows the teen is.
Stiles says okay and heads upstairs to Derek’s bedroom; secretly happy Derek listened to Peter and got a nice, not burned down, home. Stiles really wasn’t tired at first but after laying on Derek’s bed and inhaling his scent he suddenly receives an overwhelming amount of calmness rushing throughout his body and he can't help but to close his eyes.
The dream was starting again, and I was trying to wake up but I couldn’t, my body was betraying me by keeping me locked away in this prison of my own nightmare. It was happening all over again, only just before the monster appeared he was gone, I was able to move and he was nowhere to be found. My friends stopped screaming and I felt safe. For the first time in months I actually felt safe. I opened my eyes and saw Derek holding onto to me and yet I didn’t want him to stop.
“I’m sorry, but you were screaming and I wasn’t sure what else to do.” Derek looks at him with concern etched on his face. He goes to stand up from where he's kneeling on the bed, but is stopped by Stiles grabbing onto his forearm, and he's brought back down.
“Don’t be sorry because for the first time in months I felt safe; for the first time in months I was able to open my eyes and realize it’s all going to be okay.” Stiles pulls Derek’s arm over his waist. He knows he should be nervous right now but he's tired and if Derek can get rid of his nightmares; who is he to complain? Awkwardness be damned.
“You don’t want to talk about it do you?” Derek questions quietly. He’s never been good with giving advice or discussing feelings but there is pain in Stiles' eyes and pain is something Derek knows very well. If he can help in any way he wants to. He's just a bit nervous about the contact because he doesn't want to push any boundaries.
Stiles catches onto his nervousness and lets out a soft laugh. “No, Derek I don't really want to discuss it." Stiles admits. "Can we just lay here? Please?"
So that's what they do. They simply lay there while both are silent and in the moment. They don't need to say anything because they both understand.