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The first thing Hux noted was amiss about his men was the soft singing one of them was doing as they worked. That was out of the ordinary, but some men whistled and didn’t get reprimanded, so Hux supposed the light humming of words could be dismissed. Besides, their propaganda songs improved morale.
The second thing was that several of his men were laughing when he got onto shift. This was also not too unusual - but it only really happened in groups. These men were laughing on their own, doing their jobs, as if something on their screens was amusing. Hux hurriedly checked his datapad to make sure no one from high command had accidentally leaked some compromising photos again, dammit - but nothing. Huh.
All his alarms went off when he greeted Mitaka, only to find the man swaying on his feet, eyes glazed, murmuring about how handsome everyone was and he just couldn’t choose between one. “Gooooood morning General Fucks,” Mitaka slurred.
Oh god. His crew had been possessed.
He immediately broke into a brisk walk, practically running to Ren’s quarters and slamming his fist on the door.
“Ren! What the kriff have you done to my men!”
The door opened slowly, and Ren emerged, shirtless and still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Hux averted his gaze, trying desperately to hide the blush on his cheeks. Ren needed to keep his shirts on for kark’s sake.
“Hux? It’s… way too early for whatever this is. What do you want?”
“Oh, I’m so sorry I interrupted your beauty sleep, Ren, but my men are currently half-wits who are obviously being possessed by some evil force entity! Again, what the kriff did you do?!”
Ren opened his eyes more, assessed, and then laughed in Hux’s face, a big, chestful thing. Hux didn’t appreciate his laugh, nor did he appreciate (no, absolutely not) the way that Ren’s chest expanded as he laughed, his eyes crinkling up with joy.
“Hux. Your men aren’t possessed.”
“Then how do you explain their behavior? Mitaka called me General F- a word definitely not my name a few moments ago, and he- he wouldn’t do such a thing!”
Ren leaned against the door, looking far too smug, the ingrate. “Hux, they’re high,” he said simply.
“They’re what?!”
“High. Up in the sky with Lucy, doped up, in la la land… they’re on drugs.”
“My men would never!”
“Oh, yeah, they normally wouldn’t. But the Knights got a little rowdy last night, accidentally tossed their good stuff in the caf supply. By the time they realized, everyone was already having a good time, and the caf was gone - along with their drugs,” Kylo explained.
“So this is your fault!” Hux accused, feeling righteous indignation.
“Nope,” Ren said, popping the p. “It’s my Knights’ fault, and trust I’ve already dealt with them. But I had nothing to do with their drugs, and they’ve already sent you an apology message. So… unless there was anything else, I’m going back to bed.”
Hux, frustrated, was about to argue with him again, when he came to a startling realization.
“...I drank caf this morning. Kriff, I always do. Am I-?”
“Dammit, Hux, stop being so predictable with your routine. No, you’re fine. As soon as they told me I woke up at the early hours of way too fucking early and swapped your caf for a non-drugged sample from my personal stash. You’re fucking welcome, by the way.”
A sense of affection, cloying and piercing, went up his throat like a disease. No, bad body, stop being charmed by that, Hux silently demanded, but he felt it nonetheless.
Well. Only one thing to do about it.
He surged forward and pulled Ren into a kiss, the man instantly gripping at his ass and waist in an all-too-familiar, pawing manner.
“So,” Ren said, when he could, “are we finally putting this back on? You’ve been mad at me for way too long, and I only have so many socks.”
“You leaked a photo of me in lingerie to my men, Ren, of course I was upset at you. Also, gross.”
“One, I already apologized profusely for that and wiped the minds and datapads of everyone who saw it. Also, no, not gross, you’re fucking sexy and I missed you.”
“...Fine, whatever, yes, we’re doing this. But not because I missed you or anything. I was perfectly fine without you.”
“Yes, yes, you’re a fierce machine that feels nothing, I get it. Now do you want to make out or fuck while your men are none the wiser?”
“Both, you brute. My men are useless now anyway, I might as well get something out of it.”
“Mmm, lucky for me. I should tell my men to get high more often.”
“Absolutely not!”
With a chuckle, Ren pulled him into his rooms, the door sealing them in. Elsewhere, several very high First Order officials swore they heard their general screaming in pleasure, but by then they were so far gone that they forgot all about it when they sobered up.