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Ango’s birthday passed.
Oda's is today.
Like a routine, for the past four years, he opened the small box on his desk. Photos, cigarette boxes and bandages could be found.
The first one he found was a picture of Oda with a silly smile, looking at him with something akin to wonder. And nothing else.
He didn't want to dwell on anything else.
The date marked October 24th.
“You know… it's sort of cute that, for a few days, we are the same age.” Oda looked at him with a drunken flush.
Ango giggled, hiding his own flush behind his hand. “Cute? I wouldn't call such trivial things ‘cute’, Oda.”
“Well… I don't know. I think it's cute.”
“It's just six days. You are so drunk.”
“Hah…you think so?”
Oda was 23.
Ango is older.
His birthday had never been a huge day. Being the youngest of 11 children, money was tight, and his parents, try as they might, could never get him more than a small cake. He was extremely grateful for it. He never minded.
That all changed when he met Oda. Dazai also seemed to be awkward about birthdays, always getting worryingly depressed around the date. Oda made sure, in the two years that he'd celebrated the younger’s birthday, to distract him and gift him someone to make him happy.
Obviously, Ango had to come along.
He held another picture. It was a picture of a stuffed crab. This one marked June 17th.
“He said Chuuya and him spend it together, but I doubt it.” Oda had said, sighing.
“Don't you think you should trust him? Maybe he wants to spend some.. erm… quality time?.. with Chuuya.”
Oda fixed him with a nonchalant glare. Barely noticeable to others, very known by Ango whenever they spoke about the brunette.
“Dazai isn't the person to accept care like that, even from his… from Chuuya.”
Ango nodded slowly. “What are you getting at?”
“I want to get him a gift.”
The raven raised a brow. “A gift?... And, uhm, why are you telling me? No offense, but I'm not the best at gift suggestions.”
Oda's face changed into a soft smile. “I know. That's not what I want at all. I just thought we could… get him the present. Together.”
“Oh. That's a very sweet gesture, ‘Saku.”
“I… may have gotten it already.” The ginger pulled out a small stuffed crab. Ango sighed. Not surprised in the least.
“Why don't you give it to him yourself? He's never gotten me a gift, and neither have I.”
“I want you to be a part of this.” They made eye contact. They both blushed red. Their faces were so close together, almost touching, almost-
Ango shook his head. For someone whose ability worked on past memories, he hated dwelling on them.
He put the picture down, closing the box completely.
He despised how his stomach would churn at the sight of old pictures with frayed ends, how his hands would shake every time he held the old bandages in his box, or every time he touched a specific cup at Lupin that hadn't been used in years.
Even if he had been the one to ask the bartender to keep it safe.
He stood up, shaking his head. What he was about to do was completely irresponsible and out of his usual behavior.
But he wasn't feeling like his usual self. He never was on the 26th of October.
He closed his computer and walked out of his office, taking his umbrella out in the process.
Once out, he let his feet guide him, and let his mind wonder.
…
“I thought you wouldn't make it. You're late.”
Ango opened his eyes. The sudden tears that formed in them were completely because of the wind that hit him.
“I… apologize for my tardiness, Dazai.”
The brunette was sitting against the grave, as he always did whenever he came over. Next to it was a bottle of whiskey and a bouquet of white flowers.
“It's alright.”
Ango walked over to him, crouching next to the younger. He stared at him with a soft expression.
For all the resentment Dazai had towards him, and all the apprehension Ango felt, on days like these, they were all the other had.
It made his heart sting with guilt. Like everything relating to Oda did.
“You look at me as if you were looking for him.”
He hadn't even realized he had kept staring. He looked down.
“You won't find him.”
“I know.”
They both stayed quiet after that.
The raven looked at the flowers next to him.
Slowly, shakily, intrusively, he inched his fingers towards them, touching them lightly.
“You must be getting bored of me getting you these every year, eh, Odasaku?”
Dazai’s hand held the bouquet as if it were glass. Like he knew if he let himself, he'd grip it to shreds.
“I'm sorry. I put all my paycheck into the whiskey.” His smile faltered.
“I miss going out drinking with you. I miss-” His voice broke. “I miss you so much. I thought it'd get easier each year, but it hasn't. The black void is still there. Nothing will fill it. Not when you're not here.”
He kneeled down. “Happy birthday, Odasaku. Wherever you are, I hope you're happy.” He put the flowers down.
“Why are you crying?” He flinched away from the flowers, raising his head to stare at Dazai's tired eyes.
He tried to ignore how red they looked.
“I don't know.” He hadn't even realized he was crying. He pulled out a handkerchief and cleaned his cheeks.
“...I just really miss him.”
“Yeah. I know.”
Sometimes, around Dazai, he felt like he wasn't allowed to. Allowed to grieve, allowed to cry and feel.
It was entirely his fault. The moment he betrayed the mafia, and most importantly, betrayed his friends, all respect was lost. Even if it had been years, even after saving Dazai multiple times, the anger the brunette held towards him never stopped lingering.
“I also miss him.” Dazai's voice was wet, shaky.
Ango paused. He didn't dare breathe. Never, in the four years they had been doing this, had Dazai been open like this.
He could hear sniffling right next to him, and not for the first time did he wish he had never been a triple agent or a government worker or anything other than Dazai's friend.
Just so he could hold him, and console him. Let him know it was okay. Share the weight they both carried.
“I think he'd really like the flowers.”
But they couldn't do that. Never would they do that. And he was starting to realize that maybe he wasn't the only one that still couldn't come to terms with that.
Dazai didn't respond. They stayed quiet once more.
After what seemed like hours, Dazai stood up. Ango followed.
“I need to give you something.” The younger said in a hushed voice, pulling out a small box out of his coat.
“...Dazai?” He raised a brow, utterly confused.
“Just take it.”
Ango did just that. He opened it slowly, only to be met with a folded paper.
“What is this?”
Dazai smiled. It was sincere. “You'll see.”
Ango took the paper gently.
“Okay, I'm almost done.” Oda’s gruff voice resounded throughout the room.
Ango felt like he was going to pass out from how much he was hearing him today.
“C'mon Odasakuuu~ I don't have much time! Your book can wait!”
“This isn't for my book…” A sigh. “Give me a second.”
The older finished writing, putting his fountain pen down and folding the page carefully. He then walked over to the younger and handed him it.
“What is this?” Dazai tilted his head, intrigued.
“You'll see.”
Ango opened the paper. He read it. He laughed.
“Curry recipe? You- you're giving me his curry recipe?” He couldn't believe it. Out of any of the few gifts he had ever gotten, this was probably the most unexpected one.
It also felt like the most personal one.
Dazai wanted him to have this. To have a part of Oda. Without anything in return.
“Happy birthday, Ango.” For once, not an ounce of hatred seeped from his words. An impossible feat, something he never thought he'd received.
Ango smiled at him. They walked away, together, in sync. Always a space between them, a duo forced to be.
But the distance was growing smaller. The duo was learning to exist.
And maybe they could be okay with that.
Because today is Oda's birthday. And they could grant him one last wish.