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“Do you wanna eat lunch with me and the others?”
It had begun in middle school, Kadoko was alone as she always was-- as she preferred it to be. Sachi had approached her, time and time again with lunch invitations, her thoughts bright and friendly, but nervousness tingled under the surface-- long drowned insecurities that still managed to find a breath of air here and there.
“I-I’m sorry. I need to work on this assignment. Maybe next time.” Each time she said that, Kadoko expected it to be over and done with and never come up again, but that was never the case.
Slowly, she grew used to Sachi-- Sachi was her opposite in every way, made of sunshine and happiness, her body curvy and perfect. Kadoko could hear her classmates lust after her, thought after thought about Sachi’s ass and tits and Kadoko could only be utterly disgusted by the whole thing.
In gym, she would hide in bathroom stall, afraid of comments and looks and stares about how flat and boney she was. She couldn’t keep any weight on her bones, let alone enough to give her unnecessary curves. She wasn’t pretty either, though she hardly needed to be. She just needed to survive and get out of here and things would be fine.
She wanted nothing more than to be alone.
“Do you want to eat lunch with me? Just the two of us?”
First day of eighth grade and Kadoko was startled by the variation of the proposition. She looked up, taking in Sachi’s pretty face and near perfect make up. She had changed her hair over the summer between seventh and eighth grade and while she was cute, Kadoko couldn’t help but think that bangs didn’t really suit Sachi at all.
The tiny degrees of imperfection were enough, and Sachi’s thoughts were innocent and happy-- the worst of it was thinking that Kadoko was cute, but that was a lie so it didn’t matter. No one could think Kadoko was cute or anything like that. She wasn’t.
“Just us?”
“Yep!”
“S-Sure.”
Lunchtime became Kadoko’s favorite time of the day, craving that little window of connection with Sachi. After that first day of school, Sachi had made other friends-- lots of other friends, because of course she did, but Sachi always made time for her.
At this point, Kadoko was unsure of what to make of Sachi’s flickering, fleeting touches-- they scared her a bit, more of the outside bleeding inside of her, but she had grown so used to companionship she didn’t want to give it up, even if she was scared.
Sachi slowly vocalized compliments about Kadoko’s appearance or schoolwork or whatever she could grasp at. Kadoko never knew how to answer, besides a polite “Thank you.”
Sachi was warmth, happiness, friendship and what Kadoko desperately needed. Her heart pounded in her chest when she was close to Sachi-- her smile would put Kadoko on cloud nine. Her flickering touches were pleasant and fine.
“Kado-chan-- I-I like you.”
Kadoko thought of home of her mother knowing about this about Sachi about her own feelings about how their secrets would leak how Sachi couldn’t be trusted how she would be in so much trouble for this how it was all going to fall apart--
“N-no. I-I can’t.” she whispered before running from Sachi and not looking back.
They didn’t try to speak to each other after that.
High school, Kadoko met Touka and felt terror and uncertainty. But Touka was not someone who took no for an answer and she came into Kadoko’s life, peeling away at her carefully constructed defenses and bleeding into her world so heavily that Kadoko could do nothing to stop it.
Touka was her first kiss, her first touch. Touka’s heat bled into her and left her feeling vulnerable and nervous but giddy and excited and she didn’t know what to do with herself. She didn’t know whether she should resist or cave to the feeling or if she should feel guilt when she squeezed around Touka’s fingers.
She could only wonder if she would feel the same way if she were with Sachi.
When her world fell apart and she was torn to pieces from the inside out, Kadoko wondered if she would ever know.
It felt like the world was always falling down on Kadoko’s head and she hated that so much. She was under Touka’s thumb, terrified like a bug half crushed but not enough to give up that fleeting hope of escape. There were pictures and threats and this overwhelming sense of doom. Lies and lies and lies and lies and Sachi was there and Ayato was there and all these people that were only kind to her and she was a liar a liar a liar a liar.
She was a liar and she was loved, Sachi’s thoughts told her this often and Kadoko thought maybe she loved her too, but she knew she couldn’t take a step towards Sachi without driving a knife into her through her and leaving her to die so she kept her distance, telling herself it would never be worth it.
When the truth came out, it came out in a wave, all at once. Sachi was angry, but then she wasn’t, and where Touka couldn’t see them, their bodies crushed together.
Sachi had cut her hair to her shoulders, her bangs were pinned back from her forehead, she had no makeup on and her glasses were smudged and Kadoko thought she was beautiful, and that maybe she could touch her.
All Kadoko could hear in Sachi’s head was love, love, love-- beautiful thoughts and compliments that Kadoko could hardly believe were for her as Sachi pulled off her bra and traced her fingers over her body. It didn’t matter that Kadoko was skin and bones, Sachi thought she was fine that way-- perfect that way-- perfect however she was.
Kadoko moaned into her mouth, Sachi’s fingers shifting inside of her. There was no invasion here-- when their bodies met it was in unity and comfort and a mutual desire, not a strange attraction that was impossible to ignore that left her drowning and gasping for air.
“Sa-- Sachi .”
Kadoko gave up on words as Sachi kissed her again and again and she lost the ability to hold back herself back as she squeezed around Sachi’s fingers like a hot vice, a desperate sound escaping her throat as Sachi managed to work her even harder, the pleasure blinding and deafening her until she was finally burned out and lay there, gasping.
Sachi was Sachi.
She loved Sachi.
It was okay if Sachi bled into her-- it would be okay. There was nothing there that Sachi would destroy or want to destroy. Kadoko was safe.
Sachi kissed her forehead, their bodies pressing together again as they drifted off to sleep.