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Was it really nothing when you left everything behind just to comfort me? Did it mean nothing when you always said you needed me? Why is it nothing when you made me promise and believe that i will be with you forever?
You've always complimented me, my choice in fashion, aesthetic, and food but never me. Looking back now, I realize it was always my choices but never "me". You like the colours of my clothes, the vibe of my home, and the taste of my cooking, but not me. Never me, because now I realize how blind I was to not see how you looked at him, how you kept stealing glances every now and then, and how you always remembered everything he said and did but never my number unless he was unavailable.
It was like a bucket of cold water was splashed on me when the realisation hit; it was a moment of clarity. I never knew that clarity was that loud; it sounded like the world was cracking and all of the lights were flickering, as if someone was speaking and I was zoning out, as if my head was underwater hiding from the surface
I wasn't in your choice, not even 2nd or 3rd. I lost before it even started, it felt like everything I thought I knew was running away and rushing towards me at the same time, leaving me overwhelmed in a state of numbness.
"A-yao? Are you okay?" I could hear the worry in his voice. I wanted to scream NO over and over. No I'm not okay, i just found out you have someone and is marrying that said someone and you ask if I'm okay!? I wanted to scream and ask 'why not me?'. My heart was yelling and bleeding begging me to say those words but my brain was steady and precise in decision with years of practice and experience, pulling me back to reality.
"Y-yes i am, forgive me da-ge. I was merely caught off guard by your sudden announcement" he looked at me like he was accessing me, trying to figure out what i was thinking and deciding to shrug whatever it was off.
"Really? Well, I suppose it is sudden. It's just that I couldn't wait to share the news with you first. You are, after all, one of my best buds." That stung. Just a best bud, huh? Nothing more, nothing less. Then he smiled that stupid smile of his, the one that makes me stupidly gooey inside just by the sight of it, that stupid smile where his dimples look more adorable than it normally is, that freaking smile that shows the creases between his eyes, making me suffer more.
"Congrats da-ge, I'm really happy for you.", he looked at me like i was something precious with gratitude in his beautiful eyes just by saying those words.
I don't know how I got home and got by from then on. It felt like there was a thick fog of mist clouding my brain for months leading up to his wedding day.
I wished so many times to be a bubble so i could disappear into thin air instead of watching him take a vow of forever with someone who wasn't me. But, alas the gods are cruel making me suffer through the process of watching the man I've loved for years get married to someone else.
He looked so handsome in his tuxedo; his smile could rival the sun with how bright it was; his eyes sparkled like the diamond on his finger; he looked perfect, a perfect groom getting married to the love of his life.
I didn't even notice the tears falling from my eyes until Jiang Cheng wiped them away, i didn't even know I was crying. Jiang Cheng, ever the good friend that he is, comforted me even when his heart was also breaking for the other groom walking down the aisle in his light blue tuxedo and forehead ribbon.
It was a no-brainer why Nie Mingjue fell for Lan Xichen after all, the guy was also perfect. He was the no. 1 most eligible guy in Jianghu and a sect heir. How could Mingjue ever notice him? When the kind, honest, strong, and rich Lan Xichen was right there? He stood no chance no matter what.
Even if he happens to save the world in his past life or ruin the world in this life, mingjue will never be his. He simply saw him as a friend nothing more nothing less. It seems the gods do really hate me huh? Letting me meet and love him only for him to belong to someone else, just like the way everyone seems to despise me all because Jin Guangshan was a manwhore who got my mother pregnant.
The gap between me and Lan xichen is so big it can create an ocean itself, I'm down in hell hated by the very beings who created me and he's in heaven loved and adored by everyone.
Maybe if there's another life the gods won't hate me as much and will grant me a much better life, preferably as Nie mingjue's wife.