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INT. DERRY SEWERS – NIGHT
Dripping pipes, ankle-deep water. The GIRLS and JAMES creep forward in single file with two flashlights.
James leads, looking like he’s walking into his own funeral.
JAMES
Why do I have to go in first?
MICHELLE
Because you should act like a man for once in your life, James. Besides, he probably doesn’t like the taste of dickless Englishmen.
She gives him a shove. He squeals.
ORLA
I’d imagine anything would taste better without a ween. They’re not all that appetizing, aye?
ERIN
Orla, don’t start with this, this is not the time. Absolutely not. We are ci— Oh sweet suffering Christ, what is that?
She points at a dark lump on the tunnel floor.
CLARE (terrified whisper)
Is it him? The clown? Oh god, I knew I shouldn’t have used the lavender deodorant—he’ll think I’m some kind of herbal hors d’oeuvre!
Silence. Drip… drip…
ORLA
What do the doors have to do with it?
CLARE (cont’d, hyperventilating)
Do clowns like lavender? Erin, do they??
ERIN
Clare, will you relax? It’s probably—
CLARE
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE SEASONED!
MICHELLE
Christ, Clare, calm yourself. It’s just—
JAMES (leaning forward, squinting)
…a leaf.
ERIN
See? Thank you.
CLARE
Right— which you would have realized if you weren’t so worked up about the cannibal rumors. Honestly, Erin, it’s rude. For all we know he’s a very nice man, despite, you know… all the… stuff.
ERIN
Oh, sorry for assuming earlier the sewer clown wasn’t mentally stable.
MICHELLE
Well, I’m sure you lot have had your fair share of rumors. But everyone loves me. And if they don’t, I ride their da, and they have to respect it.
JAMES
That’s not a respectable thing, Michelle!
MICHELLE
You wouldn’t know respect, you colonizing wee prick.
CLARE
It is true the soldiers are rude. You’d think they were never taught any manners.
ORLA
Maybe they weren’t. Maybe Pennywise is actually an English society of cannibal soldiers hiding behind a clown costume they all wear.
She nods like she’s cracked the code.
ORLA (cont’d)
You’d smell them before you saw them. Soldiers aren’t very well bathed. And with all the intestines— it’d be a pure bloodbath.
ERIN
Orla, that’s not true at all. Why would anyone dress up as a clown to cannibalize a bunch of Derry teenagers?
CLARE
Oh god… it’s because of our diets, isn’t it? We taste good. Too much fat from fish and chips. They probably cook us down. Extra tender if we’re young!
She clutches her cheeks, horrified.
MICHELLE
Clare, that’s the most bullshit thing I’ve ever heard. How long does it take to cook a roast? You think they can do that in a clown costume?
ORLA
Once at Christmas Granda didn’t take the turkey out, so he just threw it in the broiler. And it was a small oven.
JAMES
And where would they even get these huge ovens?
ERIN
Christ knows, James. Maybe online? Sears ads? It’s not like ovens are a regulated weapon— oh god, there’s so much space down here. We’re walking right into their trap!
CLARE
We’re going to taste like sewer! They won’t even honor us in death. The English are bastards!
JAMES
HEY!
MICHELLE
Not now, James. Though you are a bastard.
MICHELLE (cont’d)
Right, everyone move. They can’t resist my massive arse. It’s too tempting to eat.
JAMES
Ew, Michelle.
MICHELLE
You wouldn’t get it, James. For men who actually like girls, I’m the hottest thick around.
ORLA
You do have a mighty fine ass. Maybe you should be in the back.
ERIN
We are NOT sacrificing each other! There is value in eve—
A loud CLANK echoes from deeper in the sewer. They freeze. Total silence.
ERIN (whispering)
…ry…one. Clare. Push Michelle to the back.
CLARE (instantly)
On it!
She shoves Michelle behind her like she’s moving a dumpster.
MICHELLE
Wow. A whole lot of loyalty there, Erin— I expected that. But you, Clare?
ORLA (shaking her head)
Tsk. It’s always the ones you least expect.
A faint giggle echoes.
ALL (ex ORLA)
(scream)
MICHELLE
UP! UP NOW! MOVE! I am NOT getting eaten by some English sewer clown— my arse is too good for that!
They stampede up the tunnel, slipping, shrieking, tumbling over each other.
A bright red balloon floats into view, bumping against the ceiling.
JAMES (horrified whisper)
That’s definitely not a leaf.
They scream again and flee.
The GIRLS and JAMES are still sprinting. The balloon bobs after them ominously.
MICHELLE
STOP RUNNING, YOU GOBSHITES, WE DON’T EVEN KNOW IF HE’S DANGEROUS!
JAMES
Most people who live in the sewer are dangerous, Michelle!
MICHELLE
Aye? And you live in our house and eat crayons, so that’s clearly not a universal rule, is it?
They slow down only because they’re out of breath. Orla clutches James like he’s a small dog.
A shadow appears at the end of the tunnel.
A tall figure steps into the dim flashlight: PENNYWISE, full makeup, ruffles, standing there, staring.
The group screams and backs up— except Michelle, who squints at him.
MICHELLE
Jesus Christ. You didn’t tell us he had a forehead like a runway.
ORLA (helpful)
Aye, you could land a Ryanair flight on that.
Pennywise blinks.
ERIN (shaking)
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god— HE’S GOING TO EAT US.
MICHELLE (whirling on her)
Erin, will ye calm yourself?!
You can’t just assume a veg living in the sewer is some kind of people-eater!
Prejudice is not a good look!
ORLA
His skull be right full of air or maybe helium, its how he makes the balloons float
ERIN
Michelle, he’s literally dressed like a—
CLARE
A performer! Maybe he has a hobby! Maybe he’s in an amateur dramatics group!
JAMES
In the sewers?
MICHELLE
Maybe they got kicked out of the community hall for being too edgy. It happens, James. Intolerant english wank.
They all turn back to Pennywise.
He smiles.
And his mouth opens WIDE— rows and rows and rows of jagged teeth.
ALL: SHOUT (ORLA + MICHELLE warcry)
Clare immediately kicks off her shoes—
1: CLANK!
2: PLOP!
She throws them like missiles. Both miss Pennywise completely, one ricocheting off a pipe, the other vanishing into the dark water with a sad squelch.
CLARE
NOOOO! THEY WERE NEW!
(stares at her bare feet)
OH GOD, I’M GONNA GET SEWER FUNGUS—
JAMES
We’re all gonna be fungus if we don’t MOVE!
Pennywise takes a slow, taunting step forward. Michelle throws her hands up.
MICHELLE
Right! New plan! Run like feck and insult him on the way out!
ORLA
YER MAKEUP’S ALL PATCHY!
ERIN
YOUR COSTUME LOOKS LIKE A BEDSKIRT FROM 1882!
JAMES (panicked but trying)
YOUR BALLOON IS… IS…
(voice cracks)
…stupid!!
MICHELLE
Shit effort, James. Shit, shit, effort.
They turn and sprint. Pennywise crouches like he might leap—
and Clare screams and hurls the only remaining weapon she has: a sock.
It flies through the air like a floppy, doomed pigeon and slaps Pennywise in the face before sliding down.
He looks offended.
Clare looks horrified.
CLARE
Now my bare feet are in the sewer— oh god, what have I done now?!
Pennywise prepares to pounce. Michelle shoves the group forward.
MICHELLE
MOVE! This is why I don’t come into sewers with idiots! My bod is too delicious to die in piss and shit!
The tunnel shakes with Pennywise’s eerie laugh. They run faster.
ORLA
He’s got good teeth though, you have to give him that. Very symmetrical.
ERIN
ORLA, SHUT UP!
ORLA
Oh is it a crime now tae admire a good set o’ teeth, Erin? Dentistry could be a big, big industry soon, y’know once they get over the whole aughh-tastin’ toothpaste carry-on.