Chapter Text
SESSION 1
Hour 1
*DM*: okay, hi everyone
*DM*: thanks so much for making time in your schedules to make this work
UHURA: it was not exactly presented to us as optional
UHURA: no offense
SPOCK: I remain unpersuaded that a Terran role playing game invented three centuries ago is an adequate substitute for legitimate psychiatric counseling. -Spock
JIM: okay, big talk from the guy who brought in a doctor’s note from Starfleet Medical saying no one is allowed to make Vulcans actually GO to legitimate psychiatric counseling
SCOTTY: wait, how come McCoy’s allowed to miss this? Did HE get a doctor’s note???
JIM: he IS the doctor’s note, Scotty
JIM: Starbase IV's shorthanded so they asked him to scrub in for emergency surgery
JIM: he's probably up to his elbows in Rigelian viscera right now
*DM*: so we’re going to start by just going around and each of you can share a little bit about what you're hoping to get out of this experience!
JIM: hang on a second, Ben
JIM: I can sense that Spock wants to say something bitchy about being surprised I know the word “viscera”
JIM: you gotta let him cook for a second or else the pressure builds up
UHURA: you’re such a little shit, Jim
SULU: cool, so we’re just going to sit here and argue with each other like a bunch of kindergartners who didn’t get a nap today, and waste this nice man’s time?
SULU: Is that the plan for the WHOLE two hours, or
*DM*: okay, let’s try this again. The first step of this process is everyone shutting the fuck up. Can we try that?
*DM*: cool. thank you
*DM*: The second step is everyone remembering that I have to file monthly reports on our progress to Starfleet Medical, which go DIRECTLY to the admirals
JIM: …… okay was not informed of that actually
*DM*: I get paid for my time whether you waste it or not
*DM*: but then it doesn’t actually matter to ME whether or not they take away the Enterprise and give it to a bunch of dudes in their fifties who all went to the Academy with Komack and Marcus
SULU: dude okay am I wrong or is this guy kind of hot when he’s mean
UHURA: [direct message] honey you have to check the box that says "direct message"
CHEKOV: did you mean to send that to all of us????
SULU: FUCK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A DM
SCOTTY: not smooth, old man
JIM: LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
UHURA: yeah we’re never gonna find him a guy at this rate
*DM*: okay!!!!! so!!!!!
*DM*: zooming quickly past that before it gets weird!!!
*DM*: why don't we start with the character creation process
*DM*: did anyone learn anything about themselves or have some thoughts they'd like to share about how it's going?
JIM: I'll start I'll start
JIM: I went ahead and made a character for Bones
JIM: he said he didn't really give a shit and I could do whatever I wanted because this was stupid
JIM: and as captain obviously it's very important for me to help my senior staff have a can-do attitude
JIM: so I thought it might be good to teach him a little lesson
JIM: I feel like everyone is gonna REALLY enjoy this
UHURA: if it results in Bones trying to strangle you, I agree
JIM: hey now, that’s not fair
JIM: you know the only person allowed to try and strangle me is Spock
SPOCK: Captain - Please advise as to the estimated duration you anticipate before finally growing bored of attempted witticisms on that topic and moving on to another. I would like to make a note of the date in my schedule. -Spock
UHURA: Spock you don’t have to sign your name??? it says "SPOCK" in bold letters next to every post?????
CHEKOV: also Mr. Spock's text messages do not sound like anybody else's
SPOCK: Thank you, Mr. Chekov. -Spock
SPOCK: Proper syntax and grammar are a mark of respect even in informal communications. -Spock
JIM: okay ANYWAY
JIM: everyone meet Bones HAHAHAHAHAHA
SULU: from the bottom of my heart, can I please be there when you tell him
SCOTTY: and when you die, can I have your holovid collection
CHEKOV: why does he ride a dog?
JIM: because he’s tiny and it’s hilarious
CHEKOV: to Dr. McCoy or to you?
UHURA: let’s find out!!!!
UHURA: I just texted it to him!!!
JIM: wait what
JIM: nooooooo nonononono
JIM: not on a surgery day!!!!!!!!!!!!
JIM: he's been up for twenty hours already
JIM: this was only gonna be funny if he was in a FUN bad mood when he found out
JIM: he's gonna come home in a BAD bad mood
JIM: THEY'RE DIFFERENT
SULU: when you die can I have your room
SESSION 2
Hour 1
SPOCK: Am I to understand that the narrative commences in medias res, to utilize Terran literary terminology? That is to say, our characters are previously acquainted and past incidents may be referenced at the player’s will? -Spock
*DM*: Great question, Spock. That’s kind of up to you guys. You can figure it out as you go. This is sort of a standard beginning, where a group of adventurers meet in a tavern and discover what happens next as events unfold. It sounds like Montgomery and Leonard have decided their characters are old drinking buddies and are in the tavern together, which is great. Excellent start.
UHURA: okay I know you’re new, but we can’t be doing that. Montgomery & Leonard sounds like a law firm
UHURA: you can just call them Bones and Scotty, it’s fine
SCOTTY: am I allowed to ride the mastiff??
BONES: you are absolutely the fuck not allowed to ride the mastiff
BONES: if I’m going to be subjected to the indignity of riding on the back of a dog I will be making damn sure that that dog is an ASSHOLE who will bite every last one of you if you look at her sideways
JIM: her?
BONES: what, a mean-ass dog can’t be female? wow, Jim
SULU: yeah, wow, Jim
UHURA: so offensive
JIM: I WAS JUST ASKING oh my god shut up
*DM*: okay, Bones
*DM*: are you sure you’re okay with me calling you that?
BONES: i’ve given up arguing, it’s fine
*DM*: okay, Bones, does your fey mastiff have a name, and do she and Grommet get along?
BONES: who the hell is Grommet?
SCOTTY: that’s ME, you daft prick!!! I already showed you!!!
BONES: oh, the little guy?
BONES: okay I liked the little guy
BONES: he can ride Pilot
UHURA: your dog is named Pilot???
JIM: WHOA WHOA WAIT A MINUTE
JIM: WAIT! A! MINUTE!
BONES: there it is
JIM: I KNEW IT I KNEW IT YOU HUGE FUCKING LIAR
SULU: okay uhhhhhh what are the rest of us missing
SPOCK: Pilot is the name of a moderately plot-relevant pet dog in the 1847 Earth novel Jane Eyre. I believe the debate presently underway is in reference to an altercation from their brief period as roommates at the Academy, in which Captain Kirk insisted that he loaned a copy of the book in question to Dr. McCoy, who subsequently misplaced it. Dr. McCoy has maintained for the past 2.4 years that Captain Kirk must have misplaced the book himself, as he had never read it. –Spock
JIM: BONES YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT
BONES: great book
BONES: surprisingly horny
BONES: I’m team attic wife
BONES: Also the dog hates Jim I decided
JIM: where is it, you absolute demon
BONES: well obviously I have no way of knowing that, Jim
BONES: probably in the last 2.4 years someone has showed up to clear that table in the Luna Station wine bar where I left it
JIM: you owe me one hardback copy of Jane Eyre
SCOTTY: sorry, is the plot of the book important to the game, or what’s happening here
*DM*: I think we’ve gotten a little bit off course
*DM*: okay where did Jim go
*DM*: Jim’s icon says “NO LONGER ONLINE”
UHURA: if you do have that book you better hide it right now, he is ABSOLUTELY on his way to your room
SULU: I’m going to go ahead and call it, we’re not getting any further today
*DM*: so it would appear
SULU: though that does mean I have the next hour free if you want to grab a drink
UHURA: [direct message] okay that was smooth, nice work
SULU: I’m TRYING, okay, he’s just really hot
SULU: WAIT FUCK UNSEND UNSEND
SPOCK: Mr. Sulu, you have once again neglected to select the box marked “direct message: choose individual recipient.” -Spock
UHURA: no I think he knows
*DM*: okay now Bones is offline
SCOTTY: better go
SCOTTY: I hear shouting from next door
SCOTTY: and a sound like something hitting a wall
SPOCK: Presumably a hardback copy of the novel Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë. -Spock
*DM*: okay why don’t we try this again tomorrow
SESSION 3
Hour 1
*DM*: okay, can everyone see the map?
SPOCK: Affirmative. -Spock
CHEKOV: wait, where is the captain?
BONES: he’s on his way
BONES: i let him out of sickbay early for good behavior since a game session means he has to sit still in a chair for the rest of the day
BONES: and stay off that busted ankle until it finishes resetting
SCOTTY: the poor man’s coming straight from a session with the bone knitter?
SCOTTY: shouldn’t we let him rest??
BONES: don’t you DARE feel sorry for him
BONES: this was COMPLETELY his fault
BONES: Spock, tell them
SPOCK: Captain Kirk was warned on four separate occasions during preparation for this morning’s landing party that the terrain surrounding the cave’s westernmost entrance had been specifically designated as off-limits on the map the Andorians provided. Dr. McCoy is entirely right in stating that his injury was wholly preventable. -Spock
JIM: oh good, I’m just in time
JIM: wouldn’t want to miss my own scolding
BONES: tell them how many places your ankle was fractured in, Jim, it’s a really cute story
SPOCK: [direct message] Ben - since last week’s session I have modified my character slightly. Your instructions document informed us that it was permissible to do so up until the moment our character introduced themselves to the rest of the party. Is this correct? -Spock
*DM*: [direct message] no problem! thanks for checking! let me take a look really quick
*DM*: [direct message] I’m sure it’s fine, we don’t have any combat planned for this session so if your stats have changed it won’t affect anything immediate
SPOCK: [direct message] Ben - Your flexibility is appreciated. The revised character sheet is attached. -Spock
SPOCK: [direct message] Ben - Please confirm receipt of attachment. -Spock
*DM*: [direct message] uhhhhhhh Spock are you sure you want to do this
SPOCK: [direct message] Ben - Affirmative. -Spock
BONES: SEVEN PLACES
BONES: had the bone knitter cuff on him for like an hour and a half
SCOTTY: Jesus, Mary and Joseph
JIM: guys, it is FINE
JIM: I’m fine, my ankle is fine, the Andorian archaeology team who was trapped in that cave is fine, everything’s fine
JIM: I promise I am sitting on my couch with my ankle elevated exactly like I promised
JIM: I already replicated a sandwich for dinner later so I won’t even have to get up
JIM: I am following all the rules
JIM: can we just go hang out at this tavern and like have an adventure
*DM*: we’re going to try this again if everybody’s ready
SPOCK: Affirmative. -Spock
*DM*: okay, because I was going to have you enter next
SPOCK: Affirmative. -Spock
*DM*: So, Grommet and Brunhilda, you two are old buddies. Grommet, you live in Gnomengarde, and Brunhilda, you live in the nearby dwarf stronghold of Axeholm. You can see them both on the map here. A few times a year, the two of you travel up north to Neverwinter. Grommet, you like shopping in the markets full of magical items. Brunhilda, the armorers in Neverwinter go crazy for dwarven weaponry, so you usually take along a cartload of goods from Axeholm to sell for your buddies. You hit a patch of bad weather yesterday, and you’re really not in any particular hurry, so you guys decided to stay for a night or two at an inn right here on the map where the High Road and the Triboar Trail intersect. It’s a pretty busy place, but you were able to get a pair of rooms last night, and have spent today mostly hanging out in the tavern. The storms have stopped and you’re pretty sure it will be dry enough tomorrow to head back out, but for now you’re both just having a leisurely early dinner and listening to some music. Brunhilda, you’re kind of looking around taking in the crowd. At the table next to you, you happen to notice an elf and a goliath are having dinner together.
CHEKOV: is that us?
CHEKOV: that is us!
CHEKOV: that is me and Hikaru!!!!
CHEKOV: what do I say??????
SULU: we’re not on yet, Pavel, be cool
*DM*: I have a plan for you two, I’ll have you introduce yourselves a little later on
*DM*: Grommet, you’re going to go up to the bar to get you and Brunhilda some refills. Roll a d20 for me and tell me if it’s a 10 or higher
*VIRTUAL DICE ROLLER*: 6
*DM*: okay, with a 6, the bartender is busy when you get there so you’re listening in on some nearby conversations while you wait. The inn is just about two days’ journey from the Mountain Toe Gold Mine. This is something I think Brunhilda would know, coming from Axeholm, so we’ll say you do too. The mine is located in a disputed area, and two different groups are arguing over claim to it. It used to be run by the humans of the nearby town of Phandalin, but there’s also an orc settlement in the Sword Mountains who claim the land was theirs first. You’re thinking about maybe lingering a little bit longer to listen in so you can report back to Brunhilda if you hear anything interesting, when the tavern door opens
*DM*: Spock, I’m just gonna let you go for it here
SPOCK: Affirmative. -Spock
SCOTTY: uh
UHURA: uhhh
SULU: Spock what the FUCK am I looking at
SPOCK: Her name is Jimberly. She is a human rogue. -Spock
JIM: JIMBERLY????
BONES: where is the rest of her shirt, man
SPOCK: She has a high propensity for chaotic escapades which seem to disproportionately involve damage to her shirts. Rather than simply being careful, she has elected to address the problem by wearing less clothing. -Spock
SULU: I feel like her boobs are following me
UHURA: like the eyes of the Mona Lisa
JIM: JIMBERLY??????????????????????????
SPOCK: Never having personally observed a member of this game's fictitious races, I had no basis for believable character construction of an elf, dwarf, gnome, etc. Given my lifetime of experience interacting with humans, however, I felt confident in my ability to credibly simulate their patterns of behavior. -Spock
CHEKOV: Captain, I think Mr. Spock is still angry about the landing party
BONES: you think??
SPOCK: Negative. Vulcans are not susceptible to such transient emotional responses. It is logical, however, to incorporate the event into my catalog of prototypical human behavior. Captain Kirk behaved in his habitual reckless manner, seriously damaging both his ankle and his shirt. I made note of both as standard human phenomena. -Spock
*DM*: okay, so, Jimberly enters the crowded tavern
*DM*: what does she do next?
SPOCK: She immediately trips on a rock, falls to the ground, and takes 1d6 bludgeoning damage. -Spock
SPOCK: To her ankle. -Spock
JIM: hey!!!
UHURA: Spock, we can all see your character sheet
UHURA: she has +5 for dexterity saving throws and +5 acrobatics
UHURA: why are you being an asshole
*DM*: okay you know what
*DM*: I feel like maybe Spock and Jim need a minute
*DM*: we’ll try this again next week
SESSION 4
Hour 1
*DM*: morning everyone!
*DM*: so Starfleet Medical asked me to submit my Month 1 progress report
*DM*: and I was forced to explain to them that we were still at the tavern and had not yet gotten past everyone introducing themselves
*DM*: so help me Talos, we are going to advance the plot today if it kills me
SCOTTY: what’s a Talos?
CHEKOV: he is a lightning god of the game people
CHEKOV: based on Russian legend!
*DM*: well I can’t prove that’s NOT true, so sure
*DM*: Brunhilda, you’re enjoying a nice drink at the end of a quiet, pleasant day when Pilot, who has been pretty well-behaved until now with all the tavern’s comings and goings, lifts her head under the table and starts kind of sniffing around, as if she recognizes somebody else in the room she’s met before
CHEKOV: this is very exciting
CHEKOV: I wonder who it will be
*DM*: There are three tables nearby which each have one person at them
*DM*: Bones, roll a d20
*VIRTUAL DICE ROLLER*: 11
*DM*: Okay, with an 11, Pilot starts to wag her tail a little bit and trots over to a table where a female orc is sitting by herself
*DM*: There’s a white owl perched on the chair opposite her, and it looks like they’re having a conversation
*DM*: Pilot goes up and gives a sniff in the owl’s direction. Morag, how does he react to this?
UHURA: oh Archimedes is down
UHURA: we love dogs
UHURA: I would probably greet her very politely in High Mastiff
*DM*: well I mean she’s a fey creature in the FORM of a dog so she speaks Common
JIM: let her have this
*DM*: okay, Morag and her familiar are now fluent in High Mastiff
UHURA: I would ask Pilot how she’s been since we last ran into each other in Neverwinter a few weeks back and what they’re doing in town
*DM*: so Morag, you’ve been in Triboar for a few weeks, and you’re just heading back home to Neverwinter now
*DM*: It’s a horse trading town, and there were reports of a weird contagion that was making all the livestock very sick, so they put out a call for a druid to come take a look. Did you do the homework I gave you?
JIM: HAHAHAHAHA
JIM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
JIM: DID UHURA DO THE HOMEWORK
SPOCK: Ben, your question is an illogical and unnecessary one. Nyota is always prepared, punctual and efficient when an assignment has been given. -Spock
SULU: the only question is how many pages of backstory she created
UHURA: only 12!!!
SCOTTY: were we supposed to write that much?
SCOTTY: I just gave my fellow a cool cloak and called it a day
UHURA: okay I’ve attached the document for anyone who wants to read the whole thing
JIM: nobody will
SPOCK: Nyota, I look forward to reading it. As always, you are diligent in even your recreational pursuits. It is a commendable trait. -Spock
BONES: Jesus, man, what did you do this time??
BONES: he’s only this over-the-top polite when she’s pissed at him
SPOCK: Nyota and I are working on our friendship. I believe the progress we have made to date is adequate. -Spock
UHURA: okay ANYWAY
UHURA: I will summarize
UHURA: Ben asked everyone to look at the map and think about how their characters ended up at this inn. So Morag is a Circle of the Land druid with a strong connection to animals and plants. Triboar is a town where a lot of people make their living raising and training horses for transport and farming, so the whole economy shuts down if a contagion strikes the animals. There was a big horse fair coming up with people bringing in their stock from all over the Sword Coast, and the horses bred in Triboar suddenly started going blind one by one, and then it spread to the humans. The town master put out a call for a druid to come take a look and see if they could fix what was wrong. Morag and Archimedes investigated and found that the watering trough in the town square had been tainted by Sight Rot. I’m immune to it, and I can cast Lesser Restoration up to three times per day, so I had to quarantine the sick animals and people and use Archimedes to ferry messages back and forth to the town master until I’d managed to get everyone back on their feet. Everyone’s healed now, we saved the day, I got a nice little bag of gold for my troubles, and I’m headed back home in a leisurely fashion
UHURA: THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME
JIM: okay teacher’s pet!!!!
SPOCK: Nyota, your attention to detail is commendable. -Spock
BONES: Spock please just stop
*DM*: okay, Morag, do you follow Pilot back across the room to go over and join Brunhilda and Grommet?
UHURA: sure! I would remember meeting Pilot's dwarf partner, and I like new friends!
*DM*: great. This is great. Things are happening. Fantastic. Okay, so on your way back over to their table, you happen to walk past an elf and a goliath sitting nearby. You can tell from his garb that the elf is a ranger. He was just up at the bar a minute ago, chatting with a couple other folks dressed like foresters, and they were the ones that Grommet overheard talking about the trouble at the gold mine. He’s just come back and set down another drink for himself and his friend as you and Pilot go past. He sees that you’re an orc, and gives you a polite gesture to get your attention.
*DM*: okay, so Cereal, you see this orc pass
JIM: I’m sorry, CEREAL???
SULU: NO NO NO NO NO
SULU: Ben what the hell
SULU: that is NOT his name
*DM*: that’s what you told me! We were talking about it last night and you said he was a high elf named Cereal
*DM*: and I said that was an interesting choice and I looked forward to learning why you chose it
*DM*: and you said it was a great story
*DM*: I assumed it was some Enterprise joke I didn’t get
SULU: no it was gonna be a whole thing about like a line of elf kings but now I feel like it’s ruined
SPOCK: Presumably this confusion is due to Cereal being a homonym. -Spock
SULU: WOW, OFFENSIVE
SULU: oh sorry I read too fast I thought you called him something else
JIM: okay anyway so Cornflakes stands up from the table and waves you over
SULU: fuck you very much, JIMBERLY
JIM: That’s not my name!!!
JIM: Oh my God is this gonna be a thing now
SULU: say Cornflakes one more time, man
*DM*: okay I kind of started this one so I apologize
*DM*: Syreal is a very cool name
*DM*: let’s get back to it
*DM*: so Morag, this elf ranger waves you over towards his table as you and Pilot are walking past him
*DM*: the two of you I think both actually did your homework on this, so do you want to roleplay it out a little bit?
SCOTTY: wait, do you mean like ACTING
SCOTTY: there’s ACTING in this game
JIM: yes but you’re off duty so you ARE allowed to drink if that helps
BONES: it always helps
*DM*: all right, let’s see how Nyota and Hikaru do if everyone else just shuts up for a minute and lets them play
SULU: excuse me ma’am
SULU: is it “ma’am”?
UHURA: it is, yes
UHURA: I’m Morag
SULU: Syreal Greynor, pleased to make your acquaintance
SULU: I happened to notice that you’re the only orc in the tavern tonight, and I was wondering whether you came from around these parts, or were just passing through
UHURA: passing through
UHURA: I just came from Triboar and I’m on my way back to Neverwinter
UHURA: and I want to do an Insight check to see if I can get a sense of why he’s asking and if he’s going to be shitty and judgmental about orcs
*DM*: go ahead
*VIRTUAL DICE ROLLER*: 16
*DM*: Hikaru, give me a History check
*VIRTUAL DICE ROLLER*: 8
*DM*: okay so
*DM*: with an 8, Syreal, most of what you know about what’s been going on in this area is picked up from tavern rumors, and you don’t have a lot of details on it. You know that 23 years ago there was a battle between the humans of Phandalin and the orcs of Neverwinter Forest over a big chunk of territory at the foot of the Sword Mountains which includes the Mountain’s Toe Gold Mine. The losses were really heavy, and eventually the battle was broken up by the kingsguard from Neverwinter without a clear winner, so both sides withdrew and were ordered to leave the mine alone. It’s supposed to be abandoned until King Neverember can decide what to do with it. But lately there have been rumors of orc sightings outside the forest, way further south and deeper into the Sword Mountains than they usually go
*DM*: Morag, with a 16, you can tell that this guy has something on his mind and he’s pretty skilled at picking up signs of trouble, so he definitely has an agenda as far as wanting to talk to an orc specifically, but it doesn’t seem aggressive or suspicious. You get the sense that he’s hoping you know something that will be useful to him, not that he’s making any assumptions about orcs in general
UHURA: okay, I’ll introduce myself and tell him a little bit about what I was doing in Triboar. Maybe Pilot is getting a little antsy and I’ll invite Syreal and his big bald friend to come back to the table with the dwarf and the gnome and we can all introduce ourselves to each other?
CHEKOV: that is me!
CHEKOV: I am big bald friend!
CHEKOV: if Syreal follows the druid and her owl and the dog to the other table, Valentin Grigory Fyodorovich will go with him
BONES: okay I’m not saying all that so let’s pretend we just call you Val
*DM*: I really don’t want to jinx it but this is impressively close to finally getting every single character in the same place
*DM*: great work everyone
SPOCK: Negative. Captain Kirk has yet to introduce his own character. It is logical to anticipate that he has planned a dramatic entrance of some kind which I estimate has a 67.4% chance of wholly terminating any progress the group has made. -Spock
BONES: I mean yeah that does sound like Jim
JIM: what’s with the judgment???
JIM: I’m completely behaving myself today, EXCUSE ME!!!
*DM*: all right, I’m going to fast-forward us a little bit. So, at this table in the back of the tavern, we’ve got Brunhilda and Pilot, Morag and Archimedes, Grommet, Syreal, and Val. Everyone introduces each other and swaps stories - Morag talks about what she was just up to in Triboar. Grommet and Brunhilda are on their way up to Neverwinter from Gnomengarde and Axeholm. Syreal, you’ve been hunting in the countryside and following the rumors of orc activity, and you landed here in the hopes of finding out some more information. Val?
CHEKOV: I am Valentin Grigory Fyodorovich, a goliath barbarian from the mountains!
CHEKOV: Syreal Greynor is my oldest best friend and we travel the lands together in search of great beasts to hunt and adventures to find!
UHURA: [direct message] are you gonna say it or am i gonna say it
JIM: [direct message] Chekov wanting to be the big guy with the big hammer who protects everybody is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your LIFE??????
UHURA: [direct message] like I might cry
UHURA: [direct message] he just wants to be tall so bad
JIM: [direct message] maybe this is how he sees himself
JIM: [direct message] I mean Sulu and Scotty are basically playing Sulu and Scotty but I feel like we just LEARNED SOMETHING about that kid
UHURA: [direct message] genuinely alarmed at the prospect of what we’re all about to learn about YOU
JIM: [direct message] ohhhhh just wait
JIM: [direct message] it’s gonna be real good
JIM: [direct message] I redid the whole thing at 3 am this morning
JIM: [direct message] when I was unable to sleep for reasons that will become clear
UHURA: [direct message] oh lord
*DM*: okay so you all sort of pool your information, and learn that there are some humans in the tavern who actually live in the farmland between the mine and Phandalin who are staying here because there were rumors of a few orc warrior sightings nearby and they evacuated. Brunhilda, you know a little about this because a contingent of dwarves from Axeholm was sent to assess the mine for King Neverember a few weeks ago and they still aren’t back yet, but they did send back some reports of rumored orc activity in the area. Syreal, you’ve been fishing for information from the bartender, so you fill them all in on what you’ve learned
*DM*: Morag, you know about the orcs of Neverwinter Forest, and they have a VERY bad reputation. If they’re raiding human settlements near Phandalin, and especially if they’ve got their eye on the gold mine again, those are both pretty severe violations of their agreement with King Neverember. You would also want to know what they’re up to
UHURA: does anyone in the tavern have any information on specifically where they were most recently seen?
*DM*: okay well you’re not gonna like it but
*DM*: yes
SPOCK: A human female in unnecessarily revealing clothing approaches your table. -Spock
UHURA: Spock I am begging you
UHURA: it is going to be so confusing and annoying to have you sign your name to every single post when you’re literally playing a character
*DM*: yeah that might get confusing, maybe we don’t have to do that
UHURA: okay so we’re sitting in the back and a woman maybe hears us talking about the orcs and walks over to approach us
JIMBERLY: Greetings. My name is Jimberly. -Jimberly
SULU: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
UHURA: Spock that’s so much worse
JIM: MAKE HIM CHANGE HIS SCREEN NAME BACK
SPOCK: Greetings. My name is Jimberly. -Jimberly (Spock)
BONES: I’m gonna walk out an airlock
*DM*: okay so while Spock kind of works out the details of his display name, Morag and Jimberly start talking, and everyone in the group introduces themselves to her. Jimberly, do you want to give a little bit of backstory?
SPOCK: Affirmative. -Spock
SPOCK: Jimberly is a juvenile delinquent from the town of Phandalin. She was drawn to crime at an early age, and excels at skills such as thievery, deception, picking locks, sneak attacks, and general illegal and immoral behavior. Due to exceeding the average human standards for physical attractiveness, she is extremely adept at manipulation and seduction as well. She is highly intelligent, but she is also ludicrously reckless and often acts without forethought or strategy. Despite the repeated consequences of this, however, her arrogance is nearly impenetrable, and at present, she does not possess a circle of friends who are capable of reining in her worst instincts. -Spock
SCOTTY: um
UHURA: Jesus
BONES: yeah, you didn’t have to sign your name to that one, Spock
*DM*: you know what
*DM*: why don’t we take 15 and then come back and try this again
*DM*: we’re very close to finishing the end of this scene but it seems like maybe we need a little break
JIM: [direct message] what the FUCK is your problem
SPOCK: [direct message] Clarify. -Spock
JIM: [direct message] do NOT play dumb with me, Spock
JIM: [direct message] the passive aggression is exhausting
SPOCK: [direct message] I am simply adhering to the rules of this narrative role-playing exercise, which I will remind you was mandated by the admiralty with the expectation that it would help senior crew prepare emotionally and psychologically for a lengthy mission. My contribution toward that goal is to highlight the damage to team cohesion which is caused when one member is dangerously reckless with their own safety and wellbeing. If you choose to take this fictitious character’s behavior personally, because it reminds you of yourself, that is your own business. -Spock
JIM: [direct message] you want to come over and say that to my fucking face?
SPOCK: [direct message] Negative. I do not anticipate that such a discussion could be efficiently completed in the window allotted to us by Ben, and I am expected in Science Lab III following today's session. I am available tomorrow after 1:15 p.m. if you would like to make an appointment. -Spock
JIM: [direct message] make an APPOINTMENT???????
JIM: [direct message] you are fucking insufferable
*DM*: okay so are we all back
*DM*: do we need to hit pause for today or
JIM: nope I’m good I’m ready for my entrance let’s do this
JIM: okay so you’re all in the back having your nice conversation about orcs with Jimberly
JIM: and all of a sudden you hear just like THE WORST NOISE YOU’VE EVER HEARD
*DM*: [direct message] Jim I don’t think this is a good idea
JIM: [direct message] I got this don’t worry about it
JIM: anyway it’s THE WORST NOISE YOU’VE EVER HEARD
*DM*: the item description does technically say “an eerie, spellbinding tune”
JIM: and you all look over toward the stage like “what the fuck”, right
JIM: which is A NORMAL PERSON’S REACTION
JIM: and you see THIS fucking guy
SCOTTY: Christ
UHURA: Jim do you want to rethink that name real quick
JIM: sure don’t
JIM: anyway so this arrogant-looking motherfucker is up there playing this absolute HELL LUTE
SULU: I do think a lute and a lyre might be different things
UHURA: you don't want to get in the middle of this
*DM*: okay so Jim if you want to just double-check on your character sheet real quick under “inventory”
JIM: I’m good
*DM*: right but the stage is in the middle of the tavern so if that’s where you want to be than the ENTIRE ROOM is within 30 feet of you
JIM: pretty good entrance, huh
SCOTTY: what does that mean
*DM*: okay, well, it means Jim and I need to have a talk after we finish this session about how to ensure that game play is fun for everyone
*DM*: but more immediately
*DM*: it means that everyone in the tavern now has to make a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw
*DM*: just do them on your own and DM them to me, I have 17 NPCs to roll for
*DM*: this is gonna be a minute
SULU: the goatee is horrifying dude
UHURA: the goatee is NIGHTMARE FUEL
SCOTTY: bangs look all right though, don’t they?
CHEKOV: and the ears
SPOCK: Interestingly, archaeological findings have led scientists at the VSA to theorize that early Vulcans from the equatorial regions may in fact have evolved some version of a prehensile tail. If the image was an attempt to create an unflattering portrait to give offense, it has failed. -Spock
*DM*: okay so this has kind of thrown a wrench in everything I had planned for the rest of the session but we’re just gonna go with it
*DM*: so with 25 each, Brunhilda and Grommet, you guys and Pilot are fine. You’re just sitting there vibing. You kind of like this weird eldritch music, actually
JIM: a 25?????
BONES: I have +10 Wisdom, infant
BONES: you’ve got nothing I haven’t seen before
JIM: can I cast Thaumaturgy and amplify it to try and scare them again by making it just like SUPER loud?
*DM*: you can make it loud if you want, but they made their saves so they’re immune to the lyre for 24 hours
JIM: the dream tbh
*DM*: anyway, so Syreal’s 14, Morag’s 11, Val’s 7 and Jimberly’s 6 weren’t enough to withstand the Lyre of Haunting
SPOCK: Mathematically it would have been difficult for Jimberly to succeed on this roll. Naturally, her Wisdom modifier is -1. -Spock
UHURA: kind of a load-bearing “naturally” there, Spock
CHEKOV: but what happens to us if we fail the roll
*DM*: all four of you are now Frightened for one minute. That means you have disadvantage on any ability checks and attack rolls you might need to make while Sakal and the lyre are still in your line of sight. And earshot, let’s say, since it’s technically an aural attack
*DM*: you also can’t willingly move any closer to him
UHURA: not a problem
*DM*: so Brunhilda, here’s what this looks like to you
*DM*: you’re chatting with your new friends and starting to put together that it might be wise of you and Grommet to delay your trip to Neverwinter for a few more days and maybe follow the human rogue back to where she saw the orcs near Phandalin and take a look around
*DM*: the Dragonborn bard who was onstage playing some nice little upbeat drinking songs that everyone was enjoying has wrapped up his set and heads offstage. He’s replaced by a kind of shadowy figure in a hooded gray cloak, holding a stringed instrument that glows with a muted infernal blue flame. He sits down on the stool the bard just vacated and begins to play
*DM*: now you and Grommet are getting really into it. as the two of you look around, you see a handful of other people who are also just sort of tapping their toes and nodding their heads, drinking their mead and just enjoying Open Mic Night at - did we name the inn?
UHURA: well it seems like Jim did, indirectly
UHURA: so I kind of think we have to call it The Howling Scrotum
*DM*: why don’t I let you guys work that out on your own and you can just let me know next week
*DM*: anyway, so you and a few others are really having a great time, but the rest of the room has lost its fucking mind
*DM*: people are screaming, crying, throwing up
*DM*: about three-quarters of the whole room, including most of the people you were just talking to, are now falling over themselves to scramble as far away from the stage as they can get, and most of them end up kind of huddled together on the stairs at the very very back of the inn’s main room
*DM*: which means that you are the only person who is paying any kind of attention to the door and sees what happens next, as a bleeding dwarf staggers into the tavern
SULU: oh shit
UHURA: oh my god did we finally let Ben give us some plot???
*DM*: Brunhilda, even if everyone else was paying attention, instead of screaming over the demon lute, you’re the only one of the group who would be likely to recognize him. This is Fenrir Flintback, a miner from Axeholm who was with that group that went out awhile back to investigate the rumors of orc attacks. He is in ROUGH shape. His tunic is absolutely soaked in blood, and he’s limping very, very badly
BONES: FUCK
BONES: Okay I’m rushing over there and I’m going to cast Cure Wounds
*DM*: it’s going to cost you an Acrobatics check. People are literally running back and forth left and right across the whole room
BONES: DAMMIT, JIM
BONES: I’M A PALADIN, NOT A RIOT COP
*VIRTUAL DICE ROLLER*: 0
CHEKOV: I did not realize that was possible
*DM*: well he rolled a 1 and Brunhilda’s dex modifier is -1
*DM*: so this definitely isn’t great
BONES: is this fucking dwarf gonna die because Jim started a riot with his fucking lute
SCOTTY: not on my watch, laddie
SCOTTY: Grommet will cast Enlarge/Reduce on Pilot
SCOTTY: now she’s a fucking giant dog
SCOTTY: she’ll clear you a path, no trouble
UHURA: the already terrified bar patrons are sure to receive this well
*DM*: okay, so
*DM*: it is absolute fucking carnage in this tavern
*DM*: glass flying, people running, tables flipping over
*DM*: Brunhilda, you see your old Axeholm acquaintance Fenrir Flintback come stumbling through the inn door, and it’s immediately clear that absolutely no one else is paying attention. You’re trying to get through, but there’s a table full of Dragonborn near you who were clearly here to cheer for the last bard and they are absolutely stampeding in your direction, so you can’t get through. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Grommet pull a pinch of powdered iron from one of the leather pouches on his belt, wave his hands over it and mutter some words. Instantly Pilot, who on a normal day is just about the size of an ordinary large dog, gives a loud growl and suddenly she is roughly the size of a bear on all fours. You hop aboard and she races you to the door, knocking Dragonborn bard fanboys over like bowling pins. You get there just in time to see Fenrir collapse on the floor
BONES: okay I’m casting Cure Wounds at 2nd level
BONES: That’s 4d8+3 healing
*VIRTUAL DICE ROLLER*: 26
*DM*: Great. Just in time. Okay, so Fenrir sits up, coughing, a little bleary-eyed, and kind of looks around him like he’s not quite sure where he is. He tries to get up, and you kind of put a hand on his shoulder to keep him lying down for now, but he’s getting increasingly agitated. He’s muttering something you can’t quite understand at first, until his voice comes back to him a little bit more. He’s saying “The black flag,” “The black flag,” over and over again
BONES: Do I know what that means?
*DM*: Give me a history check
*VIRTUAL DICE ROLLER*: 20
*DM*: Perfect. Okay, with a 16 plus your 4 modifier, you know that the Mountain’s Toe had a series of flags they would fly from a tower at the top of the hills to signal if they were in need of assistance. The black flag is like priority 1. It signals near or total disaster. You would assume from this that orcs have attacked the mine
BONES: and we . . . stay here in the nice, safe, presumably fortified roadside inn, send a memo to the king in Neverwinter, and let him send some soldiers to come sort this whole mess out?
JIM: Bones COME ON you’re a PALADIN
JIM: we are SADDLING UP
JIM: he’s clearly come here in search of intrepid adventurers to go back with him and save the innocent villagers and drive the orcs out of the mine
JIM: which will probably result in being rewarded with gold, or maybe hot farmers’ daughters
JIM: let’s GOOOOOOOOO
*DM*: now wait a minute
*DM*: Sakal is right in the middle of his set, remember?
*DM*: you have not heard any of this
*DM*: you are totally preoccupied with your sweet, sweet jams
JIM: wait what
*DM*: okay, so it’s been about a minute, and by now the effects of the lute have worn off on everyone else in the tavern, so they’re not frightened anymore
*DM*: what they ARE is EXTREMELY MAD
*DM*: I need a Performance check from Sakal
*VIRTUAL DICE ROLLER*: 12
JIM: DAMMIT
UHURA: bold of you to go all in on a magic lyre with a -1 Performance modifier, Jimberly
*DM*: okay, so Brunhilda, Grommet, abnormally giant Pilot, you guys find your new friends Val, Syreal, Morag and Jimberly, who are now no longer frightened, and together you all take Fenrir upstairs to one of your rooms to let him rest. Meanwhile Sakal, who missed all of this completely, is now being loudly booed by a hostile crowd who are throwing the remains of all the food they were eating which got knocked onto the floor in the stampede
*DM*: and that seems like a good spot to call it a night
*DM*: good job everybody
*DM*: it only took us four weeks to finish the first paragraph of page 1
BONES: maybe if I’m lucky, we’ll make it to page 2 by the time I die of old age
UHURA: I feel like I’VE died of old age
UHURA: this felt like seven hours
*DM*: you’re telling me
SULU: just another Open Mic Night at the Howling Scrotum, ladies and gentlemen, thanks so much for joining us, we’ll be here all week