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Dorothy Gale was having a very strange day. First, a tornado. Second, landing on a lady in Munchkinland. And third, and perhaps most confusingly, the scene unfolding in front of her.
She had expected an epic battle between Good and Evil. What she was witnessing looked more like a couple's argument in the parking lot of a magical supermarket.
On the one hand, there was Glinda. She had gone down in her bubble, yes, but it was not the usual passive bubble. It landed with a sonic boom that made the ground shake, and when Glinda stepped out, the air around her crackled with gold and pink energy. Not only did she have a wand; He had power. You could tell in how her perfect curls floated with static of their own.
On the other side, the Wicked Witch of the West—Elphaba, Dorothy had heard—had just appeared in a blast of red smoke and green fury.
Dorothy hugged Toto, waiting for the lightning to start flying.
Elphaba saw the ruby shoes peeking out from under the house. Her jaw tightened. She looked up, her dark eyes searching for the culprit, and they met Glinda's angry blue eyes directly.
Time stopped. The corpse of the witch of the east was forgotten. Dorothy was forgotten.
"You," they both hissed at the same time.
"What are you doing here, Glinda?" Elpaba barked, her voice laden with years of resentment. Did you come to make sure that my public humiliation is complete? Did you bring popcorn?
Glinda stepped forward, and the ground under her heels shone dangerously.
"What am I doing here?!" Trying to clean up your messes, Elphie! As usual. You were supposed to be hiding in the West, not causing real estate accidents with your sister!
Elphaba waved her broom aggressively toward the house. "It was the farm girl and her rat dog!" Besides, if you had been guarding the borders as we agreed instead of smiling for the cameras in the Emerald City, Nessa would still be alive!
"Oh, excuse me! Glinda raised her hands dramatically. Sorry for being busy alone handling all the emotional baggage of leading a secret resistance against a dictator while my girlfriend decides to play the International Green Martyr!
"I'm not playing!" Elphaba was genuinely offended. She stomped her feet. I'm creating a distraction! I'm the scapegoat! It's the hardest job and I'm doing it alone to protect you and your precious reputation!
"Well, you're doing terrible! No one asked you to be so good at being bad! You only make things worse!"
The unresolved romantic tension and frustration accumulated during three years of separation exploded. But instead of throwing deadly fireballs at each other, their magic, fueled by immature tantrums, took a ridiculous path.
Elphaba cast the first spell. It was not a murderous curse. With a jerky flick of her wrist, a cloud of green smoke hit Glinda.
"Agh! Glinda shouted. Suddenly, her immaculate blue bubble dress began to inflate uncontrollably at the back, making her look like a very pompous queen bee and making it difficult for her to walk without bouncing.
"Elphaba Thropp!" This is imported silk! Glinda screamed, indignantly.
In retaliation, Glinda waved her wand. A stream of pink sparks hit Elphaba's broom. The knotty wood instantly transformed into a giant, ridiculously fluffy fuchsia-colored duster.
Elphaba looked at her now useless means of transport in horror.
"Really, Galinda?" A feather duster? What are you trying to say?
"Clean up your emotional mess! Glinda replied, trying to keep her balance as her inflated butt pushed her forward.
"Oh, yes! Elphaba waved the fuchsia duster menacingly. She cast another spell.
Glinda's impossibly tall crown began to spin overhead like an out-of-control helicopter, emitting a tinkling, out-of-tune melody from a broken music box.
"Enough!" You're making me dizzy! Glinda put her hands to her head, trying to stop the spinning crown. In his fury, she cast a spell back without aiming well.
The spell struck Elphaba right in the throat. When the green witch opened her mouth to shout a scathing retort, all that came out was a high-pitched, ridiculous screeching sound, as if she had inhaled helium from three balloons.
"Damn it, Glinda, give me back my intimidating villain's voice!" Elphaba shrieked in the voice of a cartoon squirrel. It sounded so unthreatening that it was painful.
"Not until you admit that you missed me and that your plan was stupid!" Glinda shouted, bouncing off her inflated dress, her crown blaring circus music.
"You were the one who let me go!" The green squirrel shrieked.
"Because you're stubborn as a Mule from Munchkinland!"
They were inches away from each other now, one green and garish with a feather duster, the other blonde, bloated and musical. They were so focused on their grief of magical humiliations that they had completely forgotten where they were.
From the corner, Dorothy leaned over to Toto.
"Toto," she whispered, completely bewildered, "I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. And I think we just interrupted a very complicated breakup. Do you think I should order the shoes from them now or wait for them to finish their jobs? Or whatever they are doing?
Dorothy cleared her throat, a small but meaningful sound amid the chaos of whistles and circus music.
"Ahem," said the Kansas girl. I'm still here.
Glinda and Elphaba froze. The music of the crown was stopped with a screech of scratched vinyl. They both turned their heads slowly towards the girl, as if they had just remembered that there was a third person at the scene of the crime.
"Oh," Glinda said, smoothing out an imaginary wrinkle. The audience.
"Damn," Elphaba murmured in her squirrel-like voice. I mean ... Alas! She tried to correct it, but the effect was still hilarious.
With a synchronized sigh that spoke of years of coordination, they both snapped their fingers. Glinda's dress instantly deflated back to her perfect silhouette, and Elphaba's voice dropped three octaves to its normal tone. The fuchsia duster was once again a black and menacing broom.
They looked at each other. "Performance Mode," they seemed to say to each other with their eyes. They had to keep the façade on the foreigner, but they were so furious that their brains were not filtering well what they were reading from the "Official Oz Script" that they had mentally prepared.
Glinda stepped forward, a smile so tight it looked painful.
"Welcome, little stranger!" she exclaimed in an exceedingly sweet tone. I'm Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. Bows gracefully and throws magical bubbles into the air to cause amazement.
Glinda stood still. Dorothy blinked.
"Have you just... say "throws magical bubbles "? Dorothy asked.
Glinda, ignoring her and realizing her mistake but too proud to admit it, waved her wand quickly and released a stream of bubbles on the girl's face.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Now, about those shoes...
"Get away from her!" interrupted Elphaba, jumping in front of Dorothy. She turned to the girl and raised his hands like claws. Those shoes are mine! Mine! Laughs maniacally and rubs her hands together with inordinate greed.
Elphaba rubbed her hands together, but stopped when she saw Dorothy's confused face.
"Did you say it out loud?" Dorothy asked, pointing to the green witch. You said "Laughs maniacally".
"It's an ancient spell! You wouldn't understand, farmer!" Elpaba snapped, blushing under the green. “Grunts in frustration and shakes the cape for dramatic effect”. And then she waved his cloak.
"Listen to me," Glinda said, pushing Elphaba with her hips while keeping her smile frozen. Those shoes have great power. You can't give them to this one... She points disdainfully at the green witch while maintaining a perfect ballerina posture. Glinda lifted one foot in an absurd ballet pose.
"Don't even think about giving them to the oxygenated blonde!" Elphaba countered. She'll take them away from you to... for... She searches for an evil excuse in the air but forgets the line. Elphaba was silent for a second. "For evil! Yes, that!" She screams with convincing fury. AAAAH!
Dorothy looked at Toto.
"Toto, this is definitely a dream. A very strange dream caused by hitting my head during the tornado. Just go with the flow.
"Very good!" Dorothy said aloud, interrupting the duel of terrible performance. Who wants them?
"Give them to me!" cried Elphaba. She tries to snatch the shoes violently but fails miserably.
Elphaba lunged, but Glinda put her foot on it, causing the green witch to stumble.
"Oh, no, my dear!" said Glinda. It's best to keep them for now, but... oh, look! They've stuck to your feet! What a tragedy. She makes a face of false concern and puts her hand to his chest.
Glinda waved her wand, and sure enough, the shoes magically fit Dorothy's feet.
"Damn you, Glinda!" Elphaba whispered between her teeth, forgetting the character for a second. We need those shoes for the cause!
"We can't take them off without cutting off her feet, and that's too graphic for my public image!" Glinda whispered back. Plus, they look cute on her. She smiles benevolently at the girl. “Go away, girl! Follow the yellow road before I change my mind!” She makes a broad gesture pointing the way and winks in an exaggerated way.
Dorothy didn't need to be told twice.
"Thank you, I suppose. You are... very strange. And you need theater classes. Goodbye.
The girl picked up Toto and ran down the yellow brick road, looking back several times to make sure she wasn't being chased by a green squirrel or a giant bubble.
As soon as Dorothy disappeared around the bend in the road, silence fell over Munchkinland.
Elphaba dropped her shoulders, the entire villainous posture instantly disappearing. She let out a long, tired sigh, running a hand over his face.
"Do I say growl in frustration and wave your cloak?" Elpaba repeated, embarrassed. OMG, I'm losing my touch. Three years in the west and I don't even know how to be bad anymore.
Glinda lowered her wand. Her perfect smile faded, replaced by an expression of vulnerability that no one else in Oz was allowed to see.
"And I said throws magical bubbles ..." Glinda giggled nervously, which soon turned into a real laugh, tired but genuine. We're a mess, Elphie. An absolute disaster.
Elphaba looked at Glinda. I no longer saw the political leader of Oz nor the popular girl of Shiz. She saw the only person who knew her real name.
"I'm sorry," Elphaba said, her voice soft. I didn't want to turn your crown into a circus carousel. It's just that... Being the bad one is lonely. And to see you there, so perfect, so adored... It made me feel like you had forgotten that this was all our plan.
Glinda shortened the distance between them. Without the barrier of bubbles or brooms, she looked small.
"I never forget, Elphaba. Every speech I give, every fake smile... I do it thinking that one day we will be able to stop pretending. Glinda looked down. I missed you so much that I became unbearable. And when I saw your sister... I felt like I had failed you.
"It wasn't your fault," Elphaba shook her head. It was an accident. All this is one accident after another.
They were silent for a moment. Then, without the need for notes or scripts, Elphaba opened her arms. Glinda didn't hesitate. She lunged against the green witch's chest, burying his face in the black dress that smelled of smoke and ancient herbs.
Elphaba wrapped her tightly, resting her chin on the blond curls and giving a sweet kiss on Ginda's head.
"Are we okay?" Elphaba asked.
"We're all right," Glinda murmured against her chest. But if you turn me into a hot air balloon again, I'll tell all Oz that you sleep with a stuffed goat.
Elphaba smiled.
"Deal done. Now... what do we do with the girl?
"Let's let her go," Glinda sighed, pulling away a little but not letting go of her hand. Maybe it will distract the Wizard enough for us to have our own private meeting... I have a lot to tell you about how difficult it is to keep your hair perfect in times of civil war.