Archive of Our Own

Gerard flinched when her eyes flew open. For a split second, the soles of her feet stung with a thousand scrapes and cuts, and her chest burned. But as the pain subsided, she only felt sweaty instead. She looked down at herself in a ratty blue sweater and her brother’s sweatpants, and her fingers clutching a gossamer bedsheet as she pushed herself to slowly sit. For a second, her palm slid around until it found a rosary under her pillow before she let out a sigh of relief. She pushed her greasy hair back and sniffled hard, rubbing her eye. The bed on the other side of the room was empty, and she shook her head.

A knock on the door startled her, but she straightened her posture. “Gerard?” a woman in scrubs asked, opening the door. “The social worker should be in soon. You can start getting your stuff ready.”

Gerard just nodded. “Um, thanks.” She tried to crack a little smile, and wiggled her toes before pushing herself to stand up.

“We can get your vitals now before your final intake,” the orderly offered.

“Uh, sure.” Gerard exhaled and sat back down, holding as still as she could while her temperature and blood pressure was taken. “Do I have a fever?”

When the thermometer beeped, the orderly hummed and shook her head. “Nope. Everything’s checking out, are you feeling okay?”

Gerard hesitated for a beat, but she nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s...probably just nerves.” She snorted and shook her head.

The orderly nodded and placed a large paper bag on her bed. “Best of luck, Gerard. I don’t wanna say I hope to see you soon, but you’ve always been one of the nicer ones.” She laughed softly, and left her in privacy.

Gerard took another beat of silence to gather her thoughts, and for a second, she could have sworn there was a body in the adjacent bed, a peaceful face with unwashed mascara smeared under her closed eyes, but it vanished again with another blink. She opened the bag and stuffed the few clothes she came in here with, plus her journal and golf pencils a psychiatrist had provided her.

She picked the bag up and left her room to wander down the hall to the front desk, nodding at the nurse. “They said I’m being busted out today.”

The nurse smirked. “Yeah, just hang out for a second, the social worker’s just finishing up some things and he’ll see you. Busy day, apparently.” She blew out a breath.

Gerard bounced on her heels. “Can I use the phone?” Her voice cracked, as if she was new to this. “My brother’s my ride home and all.”

“Yeah, just...” The nurse’s voice trailed off, and she pulled up Gerard’s file on the computer before picking the phone up and dialing the number for her. “There you go.”

An eager smile grew across Gerard’s lips as she took the phone, and she leaned on the counter more. It didn’t take long for Mikey to pick up, and before he could even get a word in, she spoke up as the ringing stopped. “Mikes.”

He snorted. “Hey, Gee. I’m already waiting outside, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Gerard paused, and exhaled softly. “Thanks. Sorry to make you wait, then. They said I gotta have a chat with a guy and then I’ll be discharged and whatever. But it won’t be much longer, promise.”

“Take your time,” Mikey assured her. “I got nothing to do this morning.”

“Then I’m gonna go creep on you at the window.” Gerard grinned.

Mikey laughed. “No! Go meet with the social worker and get your ass outta there, so you don’t have to creep. I’m gonna hang up, okay? Just know that I’m already in the parking lot.”

Gerard hummed. “Yeah, I hear you. Thanks.” She handed the phone back to the nurse, and turned to glance at one of the other patients sitting on one of the benches in the hall. The patient smiled back at her, tucking long red-streaked hair behind her ear. Gerard got caught up in staring for a moment, but with another blink, the person vanished completely. She frowned until her attention diverted quickly after the social worker’s door opened behind the nurse’s desk.

When she was finally allowed into the small office, she folded her legs up as she sat in the old chair where the fabric pilled against her skin. The social worker just smiled calmly with a clipboard in his hand, shifting through a few papers. “Okay, Miss Way. How are you feeling today?”

Gerard shrugged. “Fine.” She slid her hands further into her sleeves, and softly inhaled the scent of the sweater, despite it losing all the nostalgic smell she craved. Instead, she pulled her rosary back out just to fiddle with the beads on her lap. “So how’d I do this time? Did I pass?”

He smiled back at her. “If you want to put it that way, then technically yes. You’ve attended at least 80% of the group activities and your reports on defiant and aggressive behavior is the lowest it’s ever been. You’ve really improved here.” Gerard’s smile grew. “So we’ve set up your outpatient program for you, and we’ve got your next prescription scripts sent to your pharmacist. The police have requested that they’d like to have a word with you, with your consent.”

Her smile quickly vanished from her face, and she hesitated. “I don’t...think so, no.” She shook her head. “No.”

The social worker nodded and struck out something on the clipboard. “That’s no problem. Everything else seems to be in order, do you have any questions for me?” He pulled the stack of papers off and stapled them together before handing them over.

Gerard didn’t look at the forms; she just slid them into the paper bag and shook her head. “My brother’s outside.”

“Alright, well, then you’re free to go. I’ll escort you down to reception.” He smiled politely and stood up to leave the room. Gerard hugged the bag tight to her chest as she followed, and the staff all waved goodbye to her as she left the ward and made the quiet trip to the front of the facility.

Mikey’s stick-thin, adolescent posture straightened when they locked eyes with each other. He bolted over to her, and Gerard dropped her bag to meet him in a tight hug. “There you are.” He kissed her temple softly; it was easy when he had a good few inches on her height.

Gerard laughed softly and rocked him in her embrace. “Fuck, it felt like forever being in there.”

“Two months,” Mikey reminded her gently. “But everything’s all good now. I charged your cellphone and I brought you shoes this time. They’re in the car.”

Gerard snorted as she glanced down at her bare feet. “Thanks.” After Mikey signed out at the front desk, he picked the paper bag up and walked outside to the car. A completely new car that she didn’t recognize. “Oh,” she muttered as she stepped up to the passenger’s side door. “Where’d you get this?”

Mikey sighed. “Don’t be mad, it was at some cop auction. But don’t worry.” They both got in at once. “I triple checked it to make sure there weren’t any drugs stashed anywhere,” he teased.

“I just hope it wasn’t a lot of money, that’s all.” Gerard slouched in her seat, eyeing up a pack of cigarettes in the cup holder. After Mikey turned the engine on, she cracked the window and helped herself to one.

Mikey shook his head. “Mom and Dad helped, anyway. They’re the ones that actually told me about the sale.”

That automatically earned a groan from Gerard, and she pressed her head against the window. “Please don’t tell me they paid for the whole thing.”

“No, I obviously have a savings account.” Mikey sighed. “But they pretty much held me at emotional gunpoint and threw a few hundred dollars toward it.” He paused timidly. “All Mom wants you to do is call her. I didn’t tell her when you were gonna be out, but...I’m sorry.”

Gerard scowled and put her feet up against the dashboard. “Yeah, I get that she didn’t give you much of a choice. You did what you had to.” After she ashed out the window, she tried to rub the grease from her hair off the glass with her sleeve. “I got a lot of shit to catch up on, though.” Her brow knotted. “Wait. You said you went to a cop sale? Did they ask you any weird questions?”

Mikey glanced at her for a second before focusing back on the road. “No. Why?”

She shrugged. “The social worker said the cops wanted to speak with me or something. I don’t want them hounding you because of me.”

Mikey frowned as he went quiet for a minute. With a sigh, he continued. “No, they didn’t talk to me. They didn’t seem like they were interested in anything besides selling me a car, so no worries. Are you gonna talk to the cops?”

Gerard snorted. “No, of course not. I don’t have anything to say to them.”

The conversation died quickly, and all that was left was the sound of wind rushing in through the window crack and the muted static on the radio. Gerard didn’t bother to say anything more yet; she just grabbed a cigarette for Mikey and stuck it between his lips for him.

Mikey snorted and took the lighter. “I can do it,” he promised, and lit up at the next red light. “Are you hungry at all?”

She sat up straight again, biting her tongue. “Not yet,” she half-lied. She knew he probably could have figured out that she didn’t eat breakfast at the facility with how quickly she got out, but she was grateful he didn’t push anything. “I wanna get my shit done first. Visit work and all that.”

Mikey glanced at her again. “We’re okay on money for a while, Gee. You don’t have to go running back to work.”

“I want to.” She took another drag, then ashed again. “It’s really sweet of you to keep up on the rent, but my job always lets me come back. You know it’s decent money.”

He bit his tongue, then exhaled. “I can’t stop you, but maybe take a second to adjust and settle back in at home?” he offered. “Please? We can watch a movie, or you can paint my nails again.”

“I got a checklist,” Gerard told him softly. “Get my job back. Check in with the church again. And if I don’t get the stuff done on it, then I’ll start procrastinating until my depression makes me too tired.”

The conversation fell short again until Mikey pulled up to their apartment, and he turned the engine off. Reaching into the back, he tossed a pair of beat-up Keds in her footwell. “I really missed you, y’know.”

Gerard slipped the shoes on and snuffed her cigarette out. “I missed you, too, Mikes.” When she opened her door and stepped out, she glanced down the row of buildings and saw one face in a ground floor window smiling back at her so gently, her heart nearly skipped a beat. She blinked and glanced away, but when she looked back, the face was gone again. Biting her tongue, she got the bag out of the back seat while Mikey unlocked their front door.

She grinned in relief when she looked back around the living room and tossed the bag on their old, beat-up plush couch. The walls were covered head to toe in drawings and pages of torn-out comic books, with their TV next to the front window and a small dining table in the back. It smelled of cigarettes and weed, but it was Gerard’s home. It was a place she actually wanted to be, some place where she didn’t have to get bothered every morning and have to go to exhausting group activities or therapy sessions.

“Oh, shit,” she reminded herself, and pulled the papers back out. “Right. I gotta go pick up my meds, adding that to the list. And after my meds, I’ll go swing by work.”

Mikey’s lips twisted in a hesitant frown. “I should go with you.”

“No!” Gerard quickly assured him, and rubbed his arm with a shake of her head. “No, no, Mikes. You know the club’s no place for you to be. I’m just goin’ over there to talk to my boss, and I’ll head right back home. Okay?”

Mikey’s face didn’t budge. “Text me,” he demanded. “I have work in a few hours, but I wanna just make sure you’re safe.”

Her shoulders dropped, and she ruffled his hair. “Don’t be such a mom. I’ll text you, though.”

“Better mom than the one we got,” he muttered with a smirk, and earned a smack on the shoulder.

Gerard tried not to laugh, but she couldn’t help herself. “Shut up. I promise to text you, but the trip really shouldn’t take more than- I dunno, 3 hours tops? Probably less,” she estimated.

“I could pick up your meds for you.” Mikey gently took the papers from her hands. “Do they cost anything?”

“My insurance covers them, I got it.” Gerard nodded and took the papers back, setting them on a table beside the wall. “I swear I’m not trying to ditch you. Is that what you’re afraid of?”

“No, of course not.” Mikey shook his head. “I know how your brain works. But, like, you’re my sister, y’know? I wanna catch up with you.”

Gerard smirked. “Most little brothers would be sick to death of their sister, though.”

Mikey nudged her shoulder. “We’re not most siblings. And you’ve literally been gone for two months, just let me go with you.”

Gerard rubbed her eye. “You’re not going anywhere near the club. Got it? But I have to get my job back.”

“Okay, then I can go with you to church first and I’ll go back home while you do the job thing.” Mikey bit his tongue. “Gee.”

“Three hours,” she repeated softer, and patted his shoulder. “I’ll keep you posted on where I’m going, okay? Cross my heart.”

Mikey finally relented. “Fine. Be safe, I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Gerard smiled warmly as she rubbed his back. “You’re the best brother I could ever ask for.”

“I know.” He snorted softly and ruffled her hair. His hand paused, then. “I don’t wanna keep bugging you, but do you wanna at least take a shower first?”

She clicked her tongue. “Okay, okay. You win this round.” Blowing a little raspberry, she trudged up the stairs and grabbed a towel from a shelf outside the bathroom door, then locked herself in and turned the water on. After she set her rosary on the sink, she closed her eyes and undressed, then stepped into the small tub without waiting for the water to warm up fully.

Gerard pressed her palms to the tiled wall, her head bowed. Rivulets of lukewarm water ran over her face, and she had to huff a breath out her nose every minute to keep from accidentally inhaling the water. Her long black hair was all separated in greasy tresses; institutional showers only gave out hand soap to the patients in a 5-ounce cup, and though Gerard’s hygienic record wasn’t squeaky clean, she was more than relieved to scrub the psych ward off her body with soap that she bought herself.

She remained standing, focusing on her breathing. If she got through a ten-minute shower first, then she could treat herself with zoning out without having to worry about the water bill. But when her eyes fluttered open halfway, the bottom of the tub was turning red. She rubbed her eyes again and it disappeared, the water running clear again, but she checked the bottom of her feet, just in case, and all she found was dirt washing away.

She thumped her head against the wall and groaned. The fire in her chest flared up as the water started heating up more, but she finally grabbed the shampoo and dug her nails into her scalp as she finally scrubbed the grease out, trying to finish the shower as fast as she could. It was still morning, but she had a lot to do today. Pick her meds up. Get her job back. Go to church. She kept repeating those three tasks over in her brain as the suds sluiced down her back, and she gave her skin a quick once-over with a soap bar and turned the water back off.

She pulled the curtain back and stepped out onto the ratty bath mat. Before grabbing a towel, she leaned over the bathroom sink and aggressively wiped at the mirror, frowning at the way the steam streaked. She gave up on fighting it after just a second; she could see herself well enough in the reflection. Looking at herself in the eye was something she admittedly avoided in the hospital, and coming face to face with herself now caused the fire in her chest to burn even hotter. She poked at a scar under her temple that edged too close to the corner of her eye, still a light pink, and her fingertips pushed her dripping hair back to check on another scar that started behind her ear and dragged down to her jaw. As long as she convinced herself that they weren’t noticeable enough to matter, she could leave her face alone and rub a towel over her head until the dripping stopped.

There were larger scars over her collarbone and her left ribs, and once her skin was dry, she rummaged through the medicine cabinet to make sure she still had foundation. It was no use applying it for now, but she was relieved it was still there, expired or not. She brushed her teeth, and wrapped the towel tight around her chest so she could move onto her room next door, and she idly hummed one of her dancing songs on the way.

The light from the hall illuminated an incomplete rectangle on the bedroom wall, partially filled in by Gerard’s shadow. At least the light hit the crucifix above her bed, which only gave her a moment to sigh in relief before guilt sank her stomach down. She knelt up on her bed and ran her fingers back through her hair hesitantly before folding her hands. Making a quick sign of the cross, she stared up at Jesus’s sorrowful eyes.

“Hey...I’m back.” She swallowed, unsure of whether to smile or not. “Sorry I went off the rails this time, but I decided that I definitely don’t wanna die. Not yet, anyway, I know that’s gonna have to happen at some point right?” She shut her eyes and shook her head. She was supposed to be praying, not rambling. “So, um, I want to thank You so much for giving me another chance. I’ve learned that lesson, and I have a new reason to keep going.” She paused. “Two. Two reasons, of course, the first being to serve You. Wait, that’s not a new reason, I’ve always done that. But if it’s not too much to ask, I’d like to see my Saint again. I understand if you didn’t want him visiting me in the ward, but I really miss him. I want to know he’s okay.”

Gerard blinked and stared back down at her hands, then sighed and pulled them apart. She’d always had an underlying weight of unworthiness whenever she prayed, and she supposed she was supposed to feel that way, but this time, it was ten times worse. She couldn’t look back up at Jesus. “Amen,” she muttered, and lingered another moment longer before crawling off the bed to get dressed. Taking the blue sweater from the ward, she folded it up neatly to place on her pillow, and finally trudged back downstairs. “I’m going back out, Mikes. You okay?”

He looked over at her from the couch. “Are you extra sure that you’ll be okay on your own? I can take off work tonight.”

She waved her hand at him and reached for a leather coat hanging by the door. “It’s all good. Have a good shift tonight, I promise we can hang out all day tomorrow. Okay?”

Mikey sighed as he got up and hugged her tight. “Text me,” he muttered.

Gerard sighed and closed her eyes. “I will,” she promised him, and rubbed his back. “You don’t have to worry about me, okay? Everything’s fine.”

Mikey bit his tongue, but he nodded and let her go. “I know. Sorry for helicoptering over you.”

Gerard ran her hand over the jacket sleeve, nodding in understanding. “I know. You’re doing it out of love, and I appreciate that. You stay safe at work, too, got it?” She poked his nose before heading out the door.

Although the distance to the strip club was far from her apartment, she decided to walk anyway. She pulled the coat tighter around her like she was hugging herself, and took the time to see if anything was different while she was gone. Everything was familiar enough, though, and when she got to the front door of the club, she let herself into the foyer. The boy at the front was new, and probably too young for the job. He certainly had the muscle for it, though, but they both looked over each other, unimpressed. “Club’s closed until 8.”

“I work here.” She shoved her hands in her pockets. “Tell Schechter that Black Mariah’s back, would you?”

He scoffed. “Nah, I met all the girls already, you ain’t one.”

“I took a break.” Gerard frowned. “You got a phone right there, just call Brian. Please.” But the longer she was ignored, she scoffed dramatically and took her own phone out. Going through her contacts, she pulled up Brian’s number herself and flipped her hair before pressing the phone to her ear.

Brian picked up after a few rings. “Is this who I think it is?” he asked.

Gerard poked her tongue at her cheek. “You got a shitty new door boy, where’d you pick him up?” she muttered, eyeing him down. “Let me in.”

“Give him a break, it’s his first week on the job, honey.” Brian sighed. “But yeah, hang up and I’ll set him straight.” When she did, the desk phone rang. She crossed her arms as she watched the new guy pick the phone up.

Instead of apologizing or even looking in her direction, he leaned to the side enough to let her through, and she bumped his shoulder hard on her way into the club. The bitterness melted away easily, though, when the dancer rehearsing on stage waved back at her with a grin. She nodded at the bartender as well, going behind the counter to another door, and up a long staircase to Brian’s office.

Gerard invited herself in when she realized the door wasn’t locked. Brian’s eyes immediately lit up, and he got up from his desk chair. “Mariah!” Grinning, he circled his desk to hug her. “Glad they finally sprung you again.”

Gerard rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t in prison, asshole. You know how it is.” With a little breath, she calmed down and cracked a smile, rubbing the curve of his shoulder. “So how’s business been? Any word from Birdie yet?”

Brian’s face fell. “Honey, you know she skipped town for good. She ain’t coming back.” He shook his head. “I think she finally got sick of us this time.”

Gerard loosely hugged herself and glanced around the office. There were still framed photos of Roberta on the wall, clinging with all limbs to Brian’s back, her with Gerard, her with the full cast of girls a few years ago. Every one, full of unhinged joy. “Yeah. I was hoping she’d come see me at some point, but...” She shook her head. “Only in dreams. Or I think I imagined her in the ward.”

"Makes sense. It is where you first met her." Brian walked back over to his chair and gestured for Gerard to sit down on the other side. “So...you came back lookin’ for the earliest spot?” It was probably better to move on from the subject.

Gerard shrugged. She decided to keep standing, still staring at the walls. “Yeah. Gotta make money somehow, right?”

Brian leaned back as he thought. “I know it’s really short notice, but if you wanna practice up a bit here, you can have an opening spot Saturday night. Does that work?”

Gerard poked her tongue at her cheek, then nodded. “I can practice?” she repeated, just to be sure. “Yeah, okay. Your newbie needs time to recognize me anyway, so I should come around more.” Her eyes wandered to one of her favorite photos above Brian’s safe. Roberta had Gerard wrapped up in a crushing hug, the sleeves of her blue sweater swallowing her body up.

“Mariah?” Brian leaned over to try and get in her line of sight again. “You good?”

She shut her eyes for a second and sighed. “Yeah, just thinking.” She bit her tongue. “I have my phone back, so just let me know if you hear anything about Birdie. I’m worried about her.”

He smiled tightly back at her. “I think she’d come looking for you before me, sweetheart. But you have my word.”

Gerard nodded, then waved. “Alright, Brian, I’ll see you around.” After leaving the office, she headed back downstairs and peeked backstage. It was empty for the moment, the lights off, and the air changed. A harsh chill penetrated her skin to settle in the pit of her stomach, but she stepped back out and huffed out a shiver. It was best to get out of there and go pick up her meds next.

She updated Mikey on the much easier pharmacy trip, then her final stop was at the church. The front doors were already open, though she knew she already missed Mass for the day. Still, she stepped into the chapel and stayed by the back just to take in the whole stature of the place. She didn’t like the way she couldn’t feel at home anymore. It was colder here, like she didn’t belong. Swallowing, she shoved her hands deep into her coat pockets and walked past the pews anyway, to an altar where a statue of Jesus stood to the side behind an iron gate.

Gerard stared up at the waxy face and clutched her rosary, trying to focus on breathing. “I’m sorry for being gone again,” she whispered, her cheeks flushing a faint red. But as she opened her mouth to speak again, an excited voice cut her off.

“It’s good to see you back again!” A few feet from the pulpit, a shorter priest grinned as he started to approach. “How’ve you been, Gerard?”

She turned around and froze up. “Oh- um, I’m sorry.” Without thinking, her feet started moving back and she hurried back toward the door before the priest could even get another word in. It was too soon for her to be back there, despite her heart aching with the first step back outside. For a split second, she could hear the priest’s voice echoing in the back of her mind with much more urgency, calling her name out, but she shook it off and continued on back to the apartment.

It was a much shorter walk back from the church, and as she pushed her door open, she tried brushing the tears from her eyes. “What the hell’s wrong with me,” she huffed, and hung the coat back up slowly, her hand lingering over the back panel for another minute.

As she calmed, she locked the door again and trudged to the kitchen to microwave herself some chicken nuggets. Part of her had regretted not letting Mikey tag along, but she decided to sleep on the couch instead so she would hear him come through the front door. After dinner, she returned up to her room for a moment and knelt by her bed one more time, making the sign of the cross.

“Is it a sin to feel alone in a house of the Lord?” she asked the crucifix, and frowned. “I don’t understand what happened, I’d only been away for a short time and yet I feel- I feel lost. I ran from a man I trusted, that’s not like me at all. So if it’s possible, please help me to understand and to heal my heart? Whatever’s wrong with it, I don’t want to stay away from church. I don’t want to be away from you.” A deep sigh deflated her chest. “Amen.”

Pulling a blanket off her bed, she walked back downstairs and curled up on the couch. She’d be fully passed out by the time Mikey got home, but he left her a pot of warm coffee for the morning.

†

Just like she promised Mikey, she took the second day to stay at home and re-situate herself. The third morning went by calmly with Gerard making eggs and bacon for Mikey, and it felt like things were already back on track to being normal again. Even if he was suspiciously worried about her going back to rehearse at the club, she managed to ease his nerves by promising she’d be back for dinner, and kissed his cheek before leaving the apartment again.

She could have taken another way around to work. By the time she got to the corner she needed to turn to pass the church, she held her breath a moment and decided to pass by it anyway. She could have gone in again, tried one more time to get a look at the statue without getting caught, or maybe she should have apologized to the priest for her awkwardness. But there was no use getting sidetracked today. Besides, the more she thought about it, the more anxiety made her want to run past as quickly as she could.

Gerard clutched the rosary in her pocket and whispered apologies as she walked down the street at a normal pace, but she kept her head down. Biting her tongue, she continued on a few streets down, and her legs finally stopped at a closed-off alley next to the club. Tarps were placed behind the fencing with a big No Entry sign, and she stared at it for a moment before shaking her head and walking on inside. She nodded at the new door boy, smiling a little smugly.

She walked around the stage and stopped at the doorway to the dressing room. A harsh chill crawled down her spine now that the lights were on, all the vanity mirrors lit up, and she flinched at the sound of footsteps.

Another girl walked out from the other side of the room, but when she spotted Gerard, her whole face lit up. “Mariah!”

Gerard’s jaw dropped, but she stumbled forward into a half-run and went to hug her tight. “Oh my god, hi! I missed you, Jessica.”

“Brian told us all that you skipped town or something. How’ve you been?” She squeezed Gerard tight before pulling back to get a proper look at her. “Why the hell would you come back here, too?”

At first, she wasn’t sure how to respond. Blinking, she shrugged. “I didn’t leave, no. Got institutionalized again,” she admitted. “Old habits die hard.”

Jessica pouted, and gently slid her thumb over a scar on Gerard’s shoulder. “You can do better than here, baby.”

“Just until I got enough money to live somewhere else.” Gerard snorted blankly. “Which might take a while, who knows?”

Jessica hugged her again, rocking her gently. “Anyways, it’s still so good to see you. It sucks here without you and Birdie.”

“I know, I missed you, too.” Gerard laughed softly and rubbed her back before pulling away. “Are you gonna be here Friday night? It’ll be my first time back.”

“Well, I’m definitely gonna be there just for you now.” Jessica smiled and nudged Gerard gently. “No, I actually think I’m on the clock, too. We should coordinate a dance or something.”

Gerard hummed and stepped over to her old mirror and turned the light on, exhaling softly. “I’d like that a lot, actually. You could probably teach me some new stuff.”

Jessica snorted. “Teach the star of the club? Highly doubt it.” Only, it didn’t sound like Jessica talking anymore. When Gerard sat down and looked at her reflection, Birdie glided behind her, flipping her black hair.

Gerard rubbed her eyes hard and sighed. There was a lingering scent light in the air that didn’t shake Birdie away completely. “I miss having a partner,” she thought aloud.

Jessica gently rubbed her shoulder. “You okay?”

Gerard nodded quickly, biting her tongue. “Fine, thanks for asking.” She paused, then set her bag over the vanity table to deal with later. “I gotta start my rehearsal, but I’ll talk to you soon?”

Jessica hesitated for a moment, but she nodded and kissed Gerard’s cheek. “Yeah. I’m about to head off, anyway.” She squeezed her hands. “Be safe, honey. It’s good to have you back.”

Gerard forced a smile back at her. “I won’t leave again.” With a deep exhale, she rubbed her neck. She dug a CD out of her bag and strapped a pair of glittery heels. With a final glance in the mirror, finding herself standing alone, she rubbed her eye and headed back to the stage to pop her music in.

By the time Gerard was halfway through the fifth repeat, she exhaled and stepped back from the pole to wipe sweat off her forehead. The music cut out, and she could hear the office door open. She turned to watch Brian appear from the stairs, and nodded over to him.

“How’s practice?” He rocked back on his heels.

Gerard shrugged. “Fine. Two months didn’t set me back that much,” she assured him. “Why, do I look bad?”

Brian smiled softly. “Never, honey. Why don’t you take a break? I’ll buy you coffee.”

She looked down at herself, then figured she was decent enough to go back outside in a sports bra and shorts. “Yeah, alright.” But after hopping down from the stage, Brian still wrapped his hoodie around her shoulders while she was changing from heels back into sneakers. “Let’s go.”

Gerard’s eyes widened, and she clutched the zipper as it bit into her finger pads. “Why did you do that?”

“‘Cause it’s cold out, genius.” Brian scoffed and headed outside, impatiently holding the door open for her. Walking seemed to calm him almost immediately, though, because as he joined her side, he smiled easily again. “Are you still a caffeine addict? Is this a bad idea?”

She rolled her eyes. “They didn’t ban me from having coffee.” She nudged his arm gently. “Besides, this is only my second cup of the day.”

He held his hands up in surrender. “I figured I’d check.”

“I can do this, too.” Gerard pulled a cigarette out, stuck it between her smirk, and lit it easily. “They didn’t let me smoke in the ward, but they can’t catch me here.”

Brian snorted and took it from her. “You’re a true rebel.”

“And you better not snitch, Schechter.” She blew a puff of smoke in his direction.

“Oh, Gee. You know me better than that.” Brian clicked his tongue.

Her stomach twisted suddenly at the sound of that name, a name she only let Mikey and Birdie call her, but she straightened her back and tried to shake it off. She took a drag big enough to the back of her mouth, and held it in until her lungs begged her for oxygen. “If I learned anything from the doctors this time around, it’s that I don’t know shit,” she thought aloud.

Brian patted her shoulder. “Maybe it’s better that way.” He opened the coffee shop door for her.

Gerard barely had any time to process that. When she approached the counter to get their order, she froze again. The person finishing up at the register smiled back at her; he was shorter and kind. All he was missing was the white collar, and she couldn’t escape him this time. The only thing was, she shouldn’t have wanted to escape him. There were only three people she trusted as much as- “Father Iero,” she exhaled. “Hi.”

He waved back at her. “Can I get closer?”

Gerard lowered her head slightly in shame, but she nodded. “I’m sorry about, uh, running so fast out of the church. A lot was going through my head, and I guess I just got startled.”

“Oh. I didn’t mean to-” he started. “Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah. I’ve had a few days to settle back in.” She snorted faintly and looked back at the coffee she was supposed to be bringing back to Brian. “I’m going back to mass on Sunday. Promise.”

Father Iero’s smile softened. “We’ll be happy to have you there, of course. And it’s good to hear that you’re in good spirits now.”

She chewed on her lip and picked the cups up. “Yeah, now that I’m back at work and everything, it all feels like things are normal again.”

“New job?” There was a glint of hope in his voice, but his expression quickly sharpened as Brian stepped up next to Gerard. “Speak of the devil.”

Brian nodded back at him. “Hi,” he muttered, and nudged Gerard gently. “You need help or something? I was starting to get worried.”

Gerard raised her brows, and she shook her head. “No, sorry. I just- um, this is Father Iero.”

“I know.” Brian cracked a smile, and took his cup. “C’mon, we should get back, Mariah. We’re holding up the line, anyway.”

Gerard looked back at Father Iero, her shoulders sagging. He forced a smile, and the tension was making her colder. “Yeah,” she exhaled. “I’ll see you on Sunday, then.”

Father Iero gently touched her hand. “Be safe,” he told her, and she could have sworn he was staring straight into her soul. For a split second, something jumped in her mind. Something made her shift in closer to him, despite the silent bitterness between him and Brian.

“I can’t wait for Mass,” she whispered back to him, in a way that she hoped he would hear as ‘I really need to talk to you, but when we’re alone’. Biting her tongue, she took her coffee and headed back out the door with a deep breath.

Brian arched a brow as he looked Gerard up and down. “So you still go to church and all that?”

Gerard tried not to roll her eyes. “I’ve always gone to church, Brian. You know that.”

He hummed, rubbing his nose. “I think your little priest is sorta pushy. Is he always like that during his speeches?”

“Sermons,” Gerard muttered, not like it mattered. She took a long sip, not minding the burn on her tongue. “I don’t remember. I-” Her brow knotted as she tried to think back during Mass, but it usually wasn’t Father Iero at the pulpit. “I don’t...think he is.” No, all her mind could recall was another priest with a softer smile and bright brown eyes. Gentle, but big hands making the sign of the cross. His voice so gentle and sad at the same time, those bright eyes full of tears and remorse--

Brian snapped his fingers in front of her eyes. “Don’t go walking into traffic now,” he teased as they reached a stop light. “You just got sprung. Those doctors probably need a break from you.”

Gerard stared back at Brian. “I’m fine,” she insisted, swallowing back bitterness. “Thanks for the coffee.” She forced herself to take another sip to quell the urge to throw it in his face.

†

The gravel and jagged little rocks cut deep into the soles of her feet, but she kept running as fast as she could. She couldn’t remember where exactly she was running to, but she knew she was almost there. It was her haven, the safest place she could hide, and it was just over the next hill. A hill that was flat enough that she didn’t have to climb, but when she reached the top, the descent fell at a steeper incline than she remembered.

Tumbling down, she cut up her palms and forearms. The dark wine silk of her slip dress tore up at the bottom hems and she snapped a spaghetti strap. She coughed as her cheek was scratched up by the dirt, and after taking a moment to regain her strength, she thought she had made it. Only, when she pushed herself up on her arms, only horror laid before her eyes.

There was no church to run to. A burning cross towered fifteen feet high before her, and the fire ignited in her heart all over again. Tears overflowed her eyes as she took in the sight of a woman tied to the blazing wood, staring back down at her. The woman’s side exploded like a gorey firework, spatters of blood raining down on Gerard’s face.

“It’s too late,” the woman sobbed. Another river of blood poured like a waterfall out of her mouth, and her raspy croak of a voice only heightened. “It’s too late!”

The wind began to pick up, and Gerard sat back on her heels as she covered her mouth in fear. She made the sign of the cross and clasped her hands together tight before a gentle voice whispered behind her. “You have to run.”

Gerard hadn’t noticed the other crosses around her, but they all burned in bright flames of red and blue, overwhelming her in light. She tried to gasp in a breath while the oxygen was sucked out of the air. She screamed-

-And sat up in bed. Clutching her chest, she whipped her head from one side to the other and found herself back in her room. A faint thumping echoed nearby before Mikey opened her door. “Gee?”

She pushed her hair back and swallowed dryly. “Um-” She shook her head. “I just...”

He nodded back at her. “It was the fire dream, right?” Timidly, he shuffled further into the room and sat at the foot of her bed. “How long has it been since you had it?”

“Fuck,” Gerard exhaled. “I don’t remember.”

Mikey offered his hand. “Come downstairs.”

She took a second to look back at her crucifix, and she froze. Jesus had changed; his hair grew curls and his face softened. His expression seemed much more at peace somehow, but tears still shone down his cheeks.

“Gee? Are you good? Do you just wanna lie back down?” Mikey offered, rubbing her shoulder.

She shook her head. “Sorry.” She decided not to look at the crucifix again, and pulled herself out of bed to follow Mikey down to the dining table. He sidestepped into the kitchen to wrap an ice pack in a dish towel, then pressed it against her collarbone. “Does that help?”

Gerard inhaled deeply and closed her eyes as she leaned back in her chair. “Yeah. Thanks.” Her hand replaced his to hold it steady. “You remembered.”

“It’s really no biggie.” Mikey waved it off, and idly rummaged through a drawer under the TV. “You had the nightmare a lot.”

Oh, she knew. She wished she could have forgotten, but she was growing tired of waking up with her chest on fire. But she decided not to comment on it; she just watched her brother take out a few bottles of nail polish and set them quietly on the table. “One day, it’ll stop,” she settled with.

Mikey shook up a gunmetal grey color, then slid it toward her with his hand splayed out. “When’s your therapy start?”

“Friday morning.” Gerard took another deep breath. “Hopefully I can get the shit sorted out there. But it didn’t really work with my last one, so...” She put the ice pack down to open the bottle and start on Mikey’s thumbnail. She chewed on her lip, keeping her gaze down. “Birdie wasn’t at the club.”

Mikey swallowed. He squirmed faintly in his chair. “I’m sorry. Do you know where she is?”

She shook her head. “I feel like I should. The social worker asked me- wait, did I tell you this already? About the cops.”

He nodded. “Yeah. You said you didn’t wanna talk to them, but I know you really got nothing to tell ‘em anyway.”

“They wanna know about her,” Gerard filled in. She paused on his middle finger. “She’s been missing since...fuck.” She had to put the brush back in the bottle to wipe her eyes. “It’s getting close to a year since she went missing now.”

He frowned. “I’m sorry, Gee.” He wanted to try and change the subject, but all his words failed him in the moment.

Gerard nodded and pulled the brush back out to continue down Mikey’s nails. “Wherever she ended up, she must be doing better than in this shithole. I just hope that I get to talk to her again one day.”

“You will.” Mikey’s voice cracked, and when she finished the pinky, he gently pulled his hand back to blow on the nails and offer the other hand. “She loved you, you know. She wanted the best for all of us.”

Gerard’s gaze averted to a few drawings she’d made of Birdie, scattered over the walls. No matter which portrait it was, she always had a feral, addictive smile. “She’ll come back for us, then.”

Mikey hummed. “Does your chest feel better?”

She cracked a little smile as she got back to painting. “It does. Thank you.”

He paused for a moment as he tried to think. His eyes stayed pointed down, watching Gerard work with precision. “How was church, anyway? Did you see Father Iero?”

She put the brush back in the bottle, biting her tongue hard. “Yeah. Twice- I guess, by accident.” Before he could ask more about it, she continued on with a timid tone. “I visited the church two days ago, but I didn’t realize I wasn’t really...ready to see the priests yet. I dunno, I just got so fucking embarrassed.” She shook her head.

Mikey’s fingers twitched. “I’m sure they were happy to see you,” he muttered, though he sounded almost bummed about it.

Gerard snorted. “I bolted out of there like the place was on fire.” She shook her head at herself. “It was stupid. But, like, I dunno. I always felt like I belonged there before. I dunno why this- fuck, it’s this guilt and I don’t know where it came from. But I was in the chapel, I was maybe gonna light a candle or something there, but then-” Her smile faded. “I didn’t even recognize Father Iero for a second at first. He saw me, and he came to talk to me, and that’s when I dipped.”

Mikey was quiet as he watched her, and he took a deep breath. “If you don’t wanna go there anymore, you don’t have to,” he decided on quietly. “If it makes you uncomfortable. Besides, we should be focusing on getting out of the city, anyway.”

When Gerard finished Mikey’s other hand, she only nodded faintly. “After state mandated therapy, we’ll leave.” She tried to smile again. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit sister this past year. But things are gonna get better from now on. Okay?”

“That’s not what I meant,” he quickly cut in. “You’re not a shit sister, by any means. The stuff that happened to you wasn’t your fault.”

She stared back at him, blinking. “What stuff?”

Mikey swallowed, then stood up from the table. “Nevermind. I mean- you know. All the therapy and hospital stuff,” he muttered instead. “Forget it. I wouldn’t trade you for any other sibling in the world.”

Gerard slowly got up and circled the table to hug Mikey tight. “You’re too good to me, Mikes. Things are gonna get better, I swear.”

He took a breath and patted her back gently, trying not to mess the paint up. “Things are always good when you’re home,” he assured her. “All we gotta do is stick together and we’ll be fine.”

She closed her eyes for a moment just to enjoy the moment, but when her phone started vibrating, she let out a deep sigh and pulled back to answer it without looking at the screen. “Hello?” she asked, mouthing a silent apology to Mikey.

“Hi, I’m sorry for calling so early in the morning,” Father Iero responded. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Gerard’s eyes widened, and she turned away from Mikey and walked briskly to the kitchen. “I wasn’t aware you had my number. How did you get it?” she asked quietly, then swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, that sounds harsh. I’m glad to hear from you, but I’m just confused.”

There was a pause, then Father Iero exhaled. “You gave it to me a year ago,” he tried to remind her. “Again, I’m sorry. But I couldn’t stop thinking about our accidental meetings, and you just seemed like you maybe needed an ear.”

“Who’s that?” Mikey asked from the kitchen doorway.

Gerard tried to wave him off. “I- well, that’s very kind of you.” Her tongue felt thick in her mouth, her throat tighter. “Maybe I might have time to come by the church today.”

Mikey frowned. “Hang up,” he told her. “Is that Father Iero? Gee, hang up.” But she hushed him.

“The doors are always open for you,” Father Iero insisted. “We have a lot to catch up on.”

Gerard nodded slowly to herself. “Yeah, I guess we do,” she muttered, though she was completely unsure of herself. Before she got another word in, Mikey took the phone out of her hand. “Hey!”

“You’re not supposed to be calling her. Please don’t anymore,” he said firmly before hanging up.

“What the fuck was that?” She snatched her phone back.

Mikey held his hands up in surrender. “I’m really sorry, Gee. But the cops and doctors told him to steer clear of you, and I’m only trying to do what they said-”

“Why?” She stepped into his personal space. “Why would they say that?”

He just turned his head away and backed up. “I’m just sorry,” he answered instead. “Gee, please. You’re gonna work yourself into a panic attack. Please sit down.”

Her fingers curled hard into the heels of her palms. “Tell me why, then. Why can’t I talk to him?”

Mikey kept his gaze down. “It’s gonna put you in danger again. I’m not even supposed to talk about it with you.”

She stared at him for a solid minute, then shook her head. “I know you mean well, but whatever the fuck is going on, I deserve to know. It’s my mind that’s being fucked with.” Stuffing her phone in her pocket, she marched over to grab her jacket. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

“Don’t go-” Mikey’s voice cracked, and that made her freeze. “Gerard.”

She had to will her heart not to break at the pain in his tone. Straightening her back, she lifted her chin a little more. “Mikey, all I’m trying to do is get my peace of mind so I can go back to being your big sister. So I can take care of you, the way we planned when we moved out together. I can’t do that if I’m going fucking crazy.”

He was quiet at first, then glanced out the front window as he tried to get his courage back. “You’re not crazy,” he started, shaking his head. “It’s just that talking to certain people are gonna turn heads, and...” He bounced anxiously on his heels. “I just don’t want anyone ever hurting you again.”

“Father Iero’s not gonna hurt me.” That, she felt confident about, anyway.

He sighed and lowered his head in defeat. “I know. It’s not him I’m scared of.”

Gerard stayed still with her fingers deep in the lining of her jacket, but she finally relented and hung it back up. “I’m not going today,” she promised, trudging back up to him. “But I promised to go to Mass on Sunday. You can’t stop me from going.”

“I know,” Mikey whispered, taking his glasses off to clean a lens. “Thank you.”

“Get on the couch and turn on Dawn of the Dead. I’m making eggs,” she decided.

Mikey blew on his nails again, disguising his sigh of relief.

The first therapy session on Friday, Gerard did the same thing as always: she sat back, shut up, and let everyone else talk. She mostly dissociated through it, since she was more focused on work and Mass, and she only answered questions from the therapists. The club was empty when she went to rehearse before doing her performance that night, shutting her brain off for the most part.

She tried her hardest not to see Birdie in the crowd, but imagining those wild blue eyes was one of the only things that could get her through the night. She prayed extra hard after her shift, and was relieved not to dream that night. Mikey begged her to stay home on Saturday, and exhaustion convinced her to oblige.

Although she was anxious to go to church on Sunday morning, she tried to keep her head up and her rosary close to her heart. As much as she didn't want to leave before Mikey woke up, she knew she was avoiding an argument that way, and when she made it to church, she stopped to stare up at the stainglass above her. Other patrons passed her on the way in, which eventually made her move again. Upon stepping into the chapel, a weird sense of relief came over her instead, and she took a seat on the back pew so she could stay comfortable in the back of her head while listening to the sermon.

Father Iero stepped up to the pulpit, his eyes scanning the crowd for a moment. But his smile grew visibly when he finally spotted Gerard, and nodded at her. Her eyes shifted over to the statue of Jesus again as he started his sermon, then kept her head bowed and felt a pain in her chest as she missed her Saint. She stayed sitting while people lined up for confession, making sure she was the last person.

When the crowd finally cleared out, she bit her tongue hard and entered the booth. She exhaled slowly as she made the sign of the cross, closed her eyes, and hunched forward. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” Her frail hands folded together, her thumb pressing into the back of her hand. “I’m really sorry, I can’t really remember my last confession. But it had to be somewhere around two months ago, right?”

“It’s okay, I remember. It was two months, yeah.” Father Iero remained patient and soft. “Tell me your sins.”

“I hurt myself.” She tried not to say it too quickly, but the confession seemed desperate to get out of her. “I hurt myself very badly, Father. I drank, and I could have hurt someone by driving recklessly. I wasn’t sober when I went behind the wheel of my car...I wanted to do terrible things to myself.”

Father Iero glanced at her through the screen, though her eyes were still closed. “You don’t remember anything you told me?” he asked quietly. “I was with you, in the hospital. After everything happened.

Gerard swallowed. “N-no. If I forget my confession, does that mean I’m not absolved of the sin?”

Father Iero cracked a smile as he tried to think. “Sometimes forgetting is a blessing. But, with your permission, I want to help you try to remember. It’s important.”

Gerard’s heart skipped a beat. “Why?”

There was a long pause before he spoke up again with a sigh. “You talked to me about Roberta.”

A gray silhouette hovered over a painful white eternity. “Breathe,” the Saint begged her, as his hands pulled her out of the wreckage. It hurt. “Gerard, you have to keep breathing. I’m not gonna let the Devil take you. You can’t let him win!”

“What?” Gerard’s voice wasn’t even there anymore. The air around her burned her skin. Her chest seized with lightning for a minute before she could breathe again. She tried to speak to the Saint again, then something was shoved over her mouth and nose. It was cold. Turning her head as much as she could, the blurs of blazing orange and red crosses stood threatening in the near distance. The painful pulsing over her ribs stopped. In a blink, the aching brightness dimmed to more bearable off-white, but her whole body was being jostled around. She couldn’t hold herself steady.

“I don’t deserve you,” Gerard sobbed. “I don’t deserve her. Just let me go.”

“Your work isn’t done.” She wasn’t sure who was speaking to her, then. Too many voices spoke to her at once, it was hard to differentiate.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked, and she kept repeating herself. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” It felt like she was screaming. Trying to rip out of her body. “Let me go!”

Another blur passed her by and the grays and whites faded to a dull blue. But her hand was warm, even if pain wrought the rest of her body. “Let me go,” she croaked again, eyes wet. “I can’t do this.”

“Gerard, it’s me.” Father Iero tried to smile. “You don’t have to move at all, the doctors actually prefer if you rest. Do you know where you are?”

Gerard swallowed. “Everywhere is hell to me. Doesn’t matter where.” Her lungs trembled too much to take a proper breath. “Are you here for my Last Rites?”

Father Iero shook his head. “No, you’re gonna make a full recovery. It’s gonna take a while but you’re in the hospital right now. They, um, they’re gonna take you to a facility after you can walk again. You’re gonna be safe.”

“No-” Gerard turned her head away and sobbed, bringing a casted hand up to try and hide her face. “No! I’m not going back.”

Father Iero bowed his head and let her cry. His thumb slid over her knuckles until she tugged her hand away, then he glanced back up at her. “There’s someone out there that really needs your help-”

“Birdie,” Gerard whispered. “She was with me in the car. She tried to stop me.” Another whimper tore out of her throat. “Is she here, too? How badly did I hurt her, Father? You have to tell me the truth.”

“Roberta...” Father Iero folded his hands with a frown. “She wasn’t in the car with you. The paramedics found you alone at the crash site.”

“Why couldn’t I save her?” Gerard shut her eyes again.

Father Iero got up to sit gently on her bedside instead. “You did everything you could for her. But there’s still someone else you can save, if you can just help me. Help him,” he begged softly. “You can save him if you remember.”

“I should have died.” She grit her teeth and turned her back to him. “Please let me die.”

He was hesitant to touch her, starting to reach a hand out to rest on her shoulder, but he pulled back just in time for her to catch a whisper of the warmth of his palm over her skin. “I’ll pray for you. But Gerard, if you ever remember, please keep him in your heart?”

“My Saint.” Gerard pushed her hair back. “I think he’s mad at me, Father. He didn’t visit me at all when I went back to the hospital. Well- in my dreams, I mean. In my dreams, we’re always at the church.” She paused as her heart sank. “Maybe he finally lost faith in me, because I lost faith in myself. I begged him to let me die. And then there was...” She held her breath. “Then there was Roberta. But I don’t get why she wouldn’t want me to come stay with her.” Pointing her face up at the ceiling, she let her tears fall. “Yes, I do. Roberta’s dead.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Gerard.” Father Iero sighed. “It’s only my place to give you moral advice, if you want me to. And removing yourself from the world isn’t the way to go. God wants you alive.” He bit his tongue and glanced at her through the screen. “I have a confession for you. I suppose it’s more like a regret, but abandonment is a sin. And I felt like I did you wrong by not coming to see you.”

Gerard sniffled. “I think I was mad at you, but I really didn’t have any right to be.” Her elbows pressed to her knees. “Why didn’t you?”

“The police thought I was coercing you and changing your story, so they recommended that I let your doctors take care of the situation.” Father Iero snorted faintly and shook his head in disbelief, then frowned. “Could you forgive me?”

Gerard hummed in thought. “Of course I can,” she answered without hesitation. “Why did the police get involved?”

“I should have realized the fragile state you were in. You came to me looking for sanctuary and I wanted you to remember what happened.” He bowed his head. “With Roberta.”

Her eyes widened. “You know how she died.”

“Gerard, you know how she died.” His voice quieted carefully. “You were there.”

She pressed a hand over her heart as her back straightened. The wood of the booth gave way to rust, clawing against her skin as she slid down to the concrete step under her. She’d lost the strength in her legs until she blinked again, and shook her head. “I- I was.” Her eyes ached with tears again. “My Saint tried to save her, but it was too late. Her blood was all over the alley and all over his lap.”

Father Iero stood up. “It’s okay,” he tried to assure her as he stepped out, hesitantly opening her door.

But she just leaped off the bench and into his arms, crumbling against his shoulder. “What have I done?”

“It’s not too late yet,” Father Iero whispered, rubbing her back. “The case is still open, you can still acquit Father Toro and put the right man in jail.”

Gerard sniffled hard. “I can’t remember everything yet. I don’t know if I’m ready.”

Father Iero gave her another moment to catch her breath, and he took a step back. “Can I offer a way to help? You can say no, of course, but I just want to put the idea out there.” Gerard nodded hesitantly. “I’m going to call the prison and set up a visit. Would you be okay with that?”

She nodded without hesitation. “Yeah, I’d like to talk to him. Again. I- when was the last time I spoke to him?”

Father Iero frowned. “Before he was arrested, I’m sure.”

“Shit,” Gerard whispered, then her face paled. “Sorry.”

He snorted and waved a hand. “I didn’t hear anything. And it’s okay, he’s still doing alright. It’s just- he belongs here. Not in a cell.”

“I understand.” Gerard tried to smile. When Father Iero pulled out some paper and wrote down the address and visiting times, she folded the paper up neatly and tucked it in her pocket. “I’ll be there, make the visit for the middle of the week, if it’s possible. And I can come back here to tell you how it went, is that okay?”

He grinned and held her hand. “Thank you, Gerard. You really have no idea how much this means to me.”

“Oh, um-” She hesitated. “So, do I have to do anything for my sins?”

Father Iero paused for a moment to think, but he smiled. “There’s a verse from Isaiah I want you to take to heart. Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Gerard took a breath and nodded. “Thank you. And...thank you for being at my side, too. I didn’t remember for a long time, but it’s really hard to trust people these days. And you’re one of the only people left I can rely on.”

“They don’t call the house of God a sanctuary for nothing.” He nodded and let her hand go. “I’m glad you came to Mass today.”

“I feel a lot better than when I first got here.” She wrapped her jacket around herself tight. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Father.” She turned to leave, keeping her head higher.

“Be safe at work, Gerard,” Father Iero called out to her. “Please.”

She stopped by the doors and smiled back at him. “I always am.”

†

It was difficult to try and adjust back to her normal life, but Gerard continued going to therapy, spending time at home with Mikey, and trying to check in on Jessica whenever she went back to work. In a way, it felt like she was watching her normal routine through a screen with what she knew now, and how she wasn't able to talk about it. She tried not to feel like she was out of her own body, to stay present in the moment. The fear of not knowing enough always kept her on edge, though, and the emptiness in the pit of her heart had her spacing out more than was healthy.

She was curled up tight in bed the night before her scheduled visit. Sleep was getting harder to come by, especially with the threat of her nightmares, but she knew she had to get enough rest tonight. With her eyes closed and relaxed, she kept breathing slowly and tried to think of places where she felt safe. Where she could try to see the one person she'd missed for months.

Somehow, she ended up on some stage with no lights whatsoever, save for one shining down from right above her. Her hand gripped a pole, and she was decked out in her work heels, black leather shorts, and the blue sweater. She was sweating like she'd already been dancing for hours. Putting her hand down, she tried to peer into the shadows, but saw nothing at first. Until someone opened a door and allowed sunlight to spill into an empty bar.

It was strange; Gerard never felt his presence outside of the church. Not that she was complaining, but her heart did feel like it was trying to break free of her ribcage. As much as she had been yearning for his presence, she had no idea why it had to be at work. Awkwardly, she cleared her throat as she sat down on the edge of the stage. “This isn’t our usual meeting spot.”

“You’ve been so devoted, coming to visit me every time,” the Saint explained. “I thought I’d finally return the favor.”

Gerard smiled timidly and stared down at her glittery heels. “I suppose the Lord was friends with whores and all, but it still feels wrong to be dressed like this in front of you.”

He shook his head, and walked up to sit next to her. “You’re doing what you can to provide for your brother. You were trying to protect your friend, too.”

Gerard couldn’t look him in the eye, and she definitely didn’t want to think about Roberta just yet. In her quiet panic, she let her thoughts slip out. “Do you think Mary Magdalene ever danced for Jesus?”

The Saint grinned. “It’s not in the Bible, but I suppose we don’t know every single moment of His life. Theoretically, it could have happened.”

She laughed nervously with him, and shook her head. “I shouldn’t have asked that.” Her body froze for a second when she felt his hand take hers, sliding their fingers between each other. But she gave into temptation and raised his knuckles to her lips to kiss them gently.

“I like when you ask me things,” he assured her. “Anything, Gerard. That’s what I’m here for.”

Gerard finally mustered up the courage to look him in the eye. “Where were you when I had to go back to inpatient?” Her throat started to ache. “Two months I looked for you. I waited. I couldn’t find you.”

The Saint looked down at their hands together. “You had to find yourself again first. I didn’t want to interfere.” He frowned and pulled her hand on his lap. “I’m sorry.”

“I thought you’d given up on me because I wanted-” Gerard took a deep breath. “I should really be the one apologizing to you. You saw me at my absolute lowest. I wouldn’t have made it to Heaven if I died that night.”

“That’s why you didn’t,” he assured her. “That’s why you needed to remember how good of a person you are. The things that happened to you don’t define you, Gerard. You needed time to figure that out again. And look at you now.” He stood up again and held both her hands out.

She blushed brightly. “Not when I’m dressed like this, please.” A hard, nervous laugh escaped her, and she turned her head away from his direction.

But the Saint held her jaw so gently and turned her head again to look at him. “You’re beautiful, inside and out.”

Gerard got caught in his soft gaze, and her hands slid up to cradle his wrist. “I missed you,” she murmured. “Please don’t leave me again.”

“You’ll find me,” he promised. “You’ll see me again real soon, just open your eyes.” He leaned in to kiss her forehead. “Open your eyes, my love.”

Gerard flinched and sat up straight in bed. She wasn’t used to waking up from a more pleasant dream, and if she had the choice, she would have gone back to find him again. But she groaned and pushed herself up and glanced back at the crucifix above her. “Good morning,” she yawned.

After rubbing the remaining sleep from her eyes, her gaze fell on the folded piece of paper on her bedside, and her heart jumped. Picking it up, she unfolded it and read the visiting times over and over, and looked back at the clock. The day had only just started, of course, but her mind was already racing.

Father Toro. How could she forget him? Well, she didn't; she just reimagined him into a holy avatar to project her shameful fantasies onto. How could she actually face him after what her mind conjured up? She knew he wasn't going to be like how she imagined, but she feared that he actually could be, at the same time.

When she pushed herself out of bed to keep from working herself into a panic attack, she trudged downstairs and was surprised to smell bacon along with the coffee machine. "Mikey?" she called out, and peeked into the kitchen.

Mikey nodded back at her. "Morning. I couldn't sleep, so I figured you can take a morning off from making breakfast."

Gerard sighed and patted his back. "Thanks. I won't eat a lot, I've got therapy soon. But you better get sleep after this."

Mikey scoffed and nudged her side. "Don't tell me what to do," he teased. "I do one nice thing for me and you're nagging my ass."

"It's my job, dipshit." Gerard peeked over his shoulder at the frying pan. "Dude, you're burning it."

"Get outta my face." Mikey nudged her harder, and she stepped away with a devious giggle and made herself a cup of coffee before curling up on the couch. The smile faded quickly when she knew she was going to worry Mikey by not returning home after therapy, but she couldn't get the visit off her mind.

She was completely spaced out again sitting in therapy, so much that she needed to be pulled aside. The staff asked her what was going on, but fear froze in her gut; she lied and said she was coming down with something, which allowed her to leave early. Both excited and mortified, she raced for the first bus to take her to the prison, and her eyes were glued to the window. The bus stopped, and even though she raced to get off, standing in front of the complex suddenly filled her with the urge to run. But Father Iero had gone through all this trouble for her, and she scratched above her wrist hard to get her feet to move forward.

When she stepped through the doors, something unnaturally cold swept over her body. She paused for a second at the beginning of the hallway, until she realized a receptionist was just staring at her from the other end. Her fingers curled into the heels of her palms before she kept going, subconsciously holding her breath.

The woman behind a plexiglass wall adjusted her glasses. "Do you have an appointment, Miss?" When Gerard didn't answer first, something softened in her. "First time doing any of this, huh? I know it can be a lot."

Gerard glanced down. "Sorry. Yes— yes, I do. Please." Her eyes shut tight as she tried to shove the shame away. "I'm here for a visit."

"Name?" the receptionist asked as she started typing.

"Gerard Way— um, shit. That's my name. I'm here for…for Ray Toro," Gerard rambled out.

The receptionist fussed around on her computer for a minute, giving Gerard enough time to calm down again. "Okay, yes. You'll head right through those doors and security will meet you to finish the process." Her smile grew. "Ray's a really nice guy, you're lucky."

Gerard snorted a timid laugh. "Thanks," she murmured politely. She flinched when two heavy double doors opened for her, and she walked on through to meet an officer at another desk. Her hands were shaking as she handed her ID, then shoved them as deep as she could in her pockets as he scanned it. It felt like the whole prison had their eyes on her, even if they were the only two in the room. Her stomach dropped, daring to spare a glance back through the door she came in, but nobody was there.

“Miss Way?” The cop caught her attention again, just to hand her ID back. “Just place your things in this bin and take your jacket and shoes off, walk under that arch.”

She nodded faintly and hugged the jacket around her for just a moment before surrendering it to the counter. Her shoes went next, and she finally stepped through the metal detector with bated breath, but she kept her chin high. Once she was cleared, the officer gave her a visitor’s pass, though it was hard to hear him over the sound of her racing pulse in her ear.

“Booth 4,” she caught him saying, and just gave a shaky nod before proceeding into the visiting room. She pulled the jacket back on and pressed her nose to the collar when she sat down. She kept it there until she caught movement out of the corner of her eye, and a guard  brought Father Toro out.

She didn’t know why she froze when he approached the other side of the table and sat down. All she could manage was to drop her hands into her lap and stare at him. For a moment, she could feel her knees sink into Birdie’s blood again and her Saint’s voice begging her to run. Acid welled up in her throat, but she swallowed it back down.

His eyes were so gentle, and he pointed at the phone. His curls were tied back messily, and the tan jumpsuit washed his pallor out. It was the Saint, and at the same time, it wasn’t. Not completely. “Are you okay?” he asked, though the voice was nearly silenced by the plexiglass. Still, she could read his lips perfectly.

Gerard held her breath when she finally picked up the phone, and rubbed her nose. She didn’t even realize it threatened to run, but she had to will herself not to cry here. She’d forgotten to answer his question, but he continued regardless.

“It’s good to finally see you again.” He sounded relieved. “Father Iero told me he hadn’t spoken to you in a while, and I couldn’t hear how you were doing, I’ve gotten worried.”

Gerard finally exhaled, eyes wide. “You asked about me?” she whispered. “Why?”

He paused, then laughed softly. “Because I’d like to think that we’ve become friends. Because we all care about you, we know things have been hard-”

“Hard?” She cut him off without thinking. “You think it’s just been a minor inconvenience, what about you? You’re not guilty.” Her voice got louder as she leaned forward, but she quieted again. “Are you angry with me?”

He blinked at the sudden aggression, but shook his head. “No. What happened to you, to Roberta, is life altering. You were hurt, you needed to heal. And I’ve been praying that you were able to find the right help since I got here. You’re not the reason I ended up here.”

“I’m sorry.” Gerard rubbed her nose again. She shook her head, frustrated with herself. “But-” she squeaked, but she failed to come up with an argument.

“You might have come here to apologize, but you can’t take the blame for this.” Father Toro’s fingers idly drummed on the table. “Don’t try to put yourself in my place when you’re innocent.”

“But so are you.” Gerard covered her mouth to calm herself down, and took a deep breath.

Father Toro waited patiently, and smiled back at Gerard when she collected herself. “I understand that Father Iero’s also been asking you if you could...help with that. Proving my innocence. I just want you to know that there’s no pressure from me. I know he means well, but one of his greatest flaws is...impatience.” There might have been a faint pink flushed across his cheeks, but it was hard to tell.

“I just-” It was getting easier to breathe, at least. Easier to think. “I just got out of the psych ward, y’know? I’m not a reliable witness anymore. But I wanna help, I, um...” She stuttered quietly until her voice trailed off altogether.

Father Toro hummed with a nod. “The only thing I want for you is to be safe, and away from Brian Schechter.”

She dropped the phone for a moment, and her body froze up. She tried to breathe through it, shaking her head as she watched him try to call out her name. For a split second, she saw red and blue lights flash over his face, and Brian's sick laughter echoed in the back of her imagination. His eyes shifted from patient to worried and afraid, and after she shook the dizziness off, she scrambled to pick the phone up again. “I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t go back to work for him, did you?” If she was right in the head, she could have sworn heartbreak was in his voice.

She frowned in shame. “I didn’t remember. B-besides, where else was I supposed to go?” But before Father Toro could answer, she sat up straighter and continued. “I am gonna set things right. I-I’ll find something. I’ll find evidence,” she whispered.

“Gerard.” Father Toro let out a long sigh. “Just let the police help you, can you promise me that? Don’t take this burden all on your own or else you’re gonna get hurt. Or worse. You and Mikey should already be far away from this city, away from this trouble.”

Gerard watched him for a moment. “I don’t wanna leave your church.”

“Not even if they don’t let me back in?” Father Toro cracked a sad smile.

“If they don’t-” She stopped herself, then sighed and shook her head. “Nothing.”

“No, go ahead.” He nodded.

She stared down at the table and will the blood not to rush to her face. “It’s stupid, but,” she cut herself off with a shaky breath. “If they don’t, would you leave with us? I’d keep you safe.” When she was brave enough to look back up at him, she almost melted at the sight of the Saint’s tender smile. There he was, in all his beautiful glory.

“Father Iero needs me, too, I’m afraid,” he answered. “You’re a great sister, Gerard. You’re going to be okay.”

She immediately regret asking, and snorted anxiously. "Sorry, that was— it was foolish," she mumbled.

"I do appreciate that you think so kindly of me. To offer shelter when, or if, I get out of here." Gerard almost couldn't stand how sweet his smile was. Her fears were coming true.

Gerard swallowed before she forgot how to speak. "You will." She made sure to look him in the eye when she spoke, but she felt like she was shrinking. "I'm just- I've tried to avoid talking to the cops so much. I know they probably have a hard time believing me, but— fuck. It's finally coming back. I remember what he did."

"I understand the fear. I understand people not taking you seriously, Gerard. You've been braver than you think." Father Toro nodded.

"No, I need to fess up to them." Gerard pinched her brow. "I need to tell them, but how do I prove the truth? I need more than my word."

Father Toro hesitated, biting his tongue. "I know it's been a year since the incident, but the back alley had cameras. If Brian had access to them, do you know if—"

"He does." Gerard's breath caught in her throat. "I'm gonna find it, I swear. You're gonna get out of here," she whispered.

He nodded calmly. "There's people in here that asked for my help, too," he assured her. "So take your time. But do what's right, Gerard. The Lord will take care of you."

She nodded faintly, staring down at her fingers curling up against her palm. "I probably shouldn't stay for much longer, regardless of how much I want to." She snorted blankly and shook her head, and her smile fell from her lips. she already embarrassed herself enough, but there was one more request on the tip of her tongue.

Father Toro was good at reading her, evidently. "What is it, Gerard?" he asked softly. "What's on your mind?"

Gerard exhaled and pushed her hair back. "I just feel sort of horrible because…I remember that night, but I can't remember your sermons." And yet she remembered his warmth so well, his comforting presence. She was just making it too personal in her mind. "I don't know why I can't remember."

"You've been through a lot," he reminded her gently. "Brian…put you through a lot. You need to take it easy on your memory, but the good parts will come back, too."

She hummed and nodded to herself, too timid to glance up at him. She reached for her Crucifix just to touch it, to make sure it was still there. "Before I go…um—" She shut her eyes tight and silently hoped she wasn't blushing too visibly. Her face was definitely warm. "C-could you just…pray for— with me? Maybe it'll help me remember." Her voice trailed off to a whisper at the end of a sentence, and she dared to glance up at him for a fraction of a second.

"Nothing would make me happier." His smile grew, and he tried to dip his head slightly to meet her eyes again. "Gerard? Really, I'd love to."

With another deep breath, she forced herself to look up at him again, and a smile forced its way back onto her lips. How could she not? He was beautiful. "Thank you," she whispered again, then swallowed. "Whenever you're ready, then?"

He did the sign of the cross with her, and pressed his hand gently against the glass. "Sorry I can't hold your hand at the moment."

"It's fine," Gerard choked out, but lined her hand up with his on the other side.

He relaxed easily and closed his eyes. "Holy Father, please watch over Gerard and Michael as she looks for a way to bring the right man to justice. Please keep them both out of harm's way, and keep Brian from hurting anyone else. And thank You for showing her the truth and giving her the strength to speak up. Amen."

"Amen." Gerard swallowed hard, her fingers curling against the glass. "Thank you, Father. I'll see you again soon, right?"

"I hope so." He smiled softly as the guard approached him. "Be safe, Gerard." When he hung up, he let the guard take him out of the room.

Gerard swallowed hard as she watched him, and was soon escorted back outside as well to wait for a bus. She folded her hands tight on her lap, just staring down the long, empty road. She sniffled hard, but shut her eyes to try and calm herself.

A gentle weight pressed down on her shoulder as she tried to focus, and a smell of menthol cigarettes wafted past her nose. “We gotta ditch town tonight,” Birdie muttered. “Is Mikey ready to go?”

Gerard fought a shiver in her spine, but she exhaled and nodded. “Yeah. F-Father Toro promised he’d pick us up after work.” She pulled her phone out. "I gotta call him and check in."

Birdie smiled as she took another drag. "You're a good sister," she assured her.

Gerard snorted softly and nodded back at her. She rubbed her nose as the phone started to ring, but it went straight to voicemail. She scoffed, hanging up. "Maybe he forgot to charge it again." When she tried a second time, he didn't pick up. "Fucking Mikey."

"He'll be fine." Birdie shrugged. "He always is."

Gerard swallowed, and as the bus pulled up, she found herself alone on the bench again. She got on and paid her fare, and took the stop closest to the church. Since she was already so late, she figured one more detour wasn't going to hurt. Talking to Father Iero about what she just remembered was more important. His advice was more important; he'd know what to do.

But the last thing Gerard expected to hear from the chapel was Mikey’s voice. Relief hit her first, but worry soon crept in afterward when she realized Mikey was yelling.

“—This whole thing is giving her the shakes again. Just when she started getting over the nightmares, you pull her right back into the mess.”

Father Iero frowned. “Mikey, I’m not forcing Gerard to go tell the authorities to get Father Toro released. But there’s a man who risked his life in there to keep her safe. Someone who’s taking the place of a real criminal. I’ll admit it, I’m biased.”

“Gerard’s not safe yet,” Mikey assured him. “Which means that she could go away again. You don’t understand how things are at home. We need to get away from here.”

A quiet sob escaped Gerard before she clapped both hands over her mouth. Quickly turning back into the foyer, she pressed her back to the wall and sniffled. Mikey found her easily, and Gerard shook her head.

“Are you okay? Where’ve you been?” Mikey’s voice was firm but scared, rubbing his sister’s shoulders.

“I called you.” Gerard gently nudged his hands off her. “Mikey, I know. I know now, okay? I don’t have to hide or leave you anymore, I met him.”

“You went to visit Father Toro?” Mikey’s jaw nearly dropped, and after hearing that, Father Iero walked up behind Mikey. “What were you thinking?” Mikey whispered.

“I’m gonna get him out,” Gerard promised, though he kept looking at Mikey. “I remember everything that happened, clear as ever. Whatever Brian told me, I know he just fucked with my alibi. I remember, Mikey.”

Father Iero whispered to himself and looked up for a moment. “I can give you his lawyers’ card-”

“Wait.” Mikey held a hand up. “If you’re really gonna go through with this, I’m doing it with you.”

Gerard nodded. “Yeah...of course.” She pulled Mikey into a tight hug and shut her eyes. “I’m so sorry for everything,” she whined. “I’m so sorry for not taking care of you.”

Mikey shook his head. He pulled back to gently hold Gerard’s face, sighing hard. “It’s not that, dude. You...” He glanced back at Father Iero, chewing on his lip. “The way this whole thing has been hurting you, fuck, it nearly fucking killed you. Do you understand what life would be like without you? What it is like?”

Gerard just stuttered, and gripped Mikey’s hands. “I’m sorry.” Her voice shrank, shaking her head faintly. “Mikey, I didn’t mean to. Please believe me, things are gonna get better.”

“This isn’t some intervention to blame you,” Father Iero added, keeping his distance. “Both of us are worried about your safety and well-being.” He tried to ignore Mikey rolling his eyes. “And your agency. Whatever you choose to do, you’re not going to make a wrong decision.”

“It’s wrong to leave him in jail.” Gerard exhaled hard, and looked Mikey in the eye. “We’re gonna get him out, okay? And then all of this will be over. And in the meantime, w-when we’re not doing all this stuff, I want you to crash at a friend’s place. Okay?” He gripped Mikey’s shoulder. “Tell your boss, you know what Brian’s crew looks like. But I want you to steer as clear as you can from them.”

Mikey rolled his eyes. “Gee-”

“I mean it, Michael.” Gerard’s lips pressed into a tight frown. “They murdered Birdie in cold blood. That’s not gonna happen to my brother.” A few tears trickled down her cheeks, and she exhaled shakily. “You’ll come with me to see the lawyers, prison visits, court, whatever. I just want you to be safe.”

“You’re always welcome here, too.” Father Iero folded his hands in front of himself.

Mikey sighed. “Right.”

Gerard pressed her hands over her face for a moment and dried her tears as she thought. "It's been…how long has it been since that night? It was cold out."

"Early February, at least that's when Father Toro was convicted." Father Iero frowned.

"So we've only got a few months to set this right. Right?" she asked. "Cases go cold after a year?"

Father Iero paused, hesitating. "I'm not sure. But time limits aside, we're going to set things right. You are, Gerard. You can still fix this."

She cracked a smile and nodded. "I will, don't worry." She glanced back to Mikey, standing a little taller. "Let's get back home, yeah? You got work tonight."

Mikey opened his mouth for a moment, but he closed it again and quietly said goodbye to Father Iero. After Gerard said goodbye as well and they left, he leaned in closer to her to whisper. "You're not going back to the club, are you?"

Her smile vanished again. "…Just tomorrow, okay? I have to. There's a coworker of mine I need to talk to."

"Gee—" Mikey huffed.

"It's going to be okay," she assured him, rubbing his shoulder. "As much as I wish that I could do this by myself, I just…can't. And she's the only one that can help me put Brian behind bars for good."

"I don't like this plan." Mikey frowned.

Gerard nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry. But it's close to over, Mikes. I need to do this, and it's gonna work."

Mikey kept looking ahead instead as they walked. "Right. Okay, I trust you."

†

Gerard knelt at the foot of her bed and folded her hands together tightly, so hard that the rosary beads between her palms left indents in her skin. Her head bowed, and she made the sign of the cross. “Father, Son, Holy Ghost. I pray that You forgive me for what I must do to help Your devout follower. Father Toro’s not where he belongs, and I must sin to set things right. Please guide me through this road to Hell and let me come through the other side with peace and understanding. Please let me help him, just as he helped me.” She sighed hard and kissed her Crucifix. “If You’ve kept me alive this long, let me do the right thing. Even if it means doing something wrong in the process. Amen.”

She stayed still for a few more moments, just allowing herself to breathe before she finally stood up from beside her bed. She hastily shoved a work outfit into her backpack and trudging into the bathroom to wash her face off. By the time she hauled herself into the living room, she walked behind the couch and ruffled Mikey's hair before kissing his head. "I'll call you when I'm on my way home, okay? Stay inside tonight."

Mikey craned his head back fully to look back up at her. "And text me when you get there. And before you get on stage. And after," he rattled off.

Gerard smiled. "Yeah, yeah, okay. I promise," she told him warmly. "I love you."

Mikey reached up to squeeze her hand. "Love you, too."

She headed over to toss her leather jacket on and slung her bag over her shoulder, walking off into the night and over to the club. Her head was high, despite her heart pounding.

At the end of the street where the club was, she dug her nails into the heels of her palms and started at the lights in front of the building. For a moment, she thought she was going to be sick until she heard Birdie's voice by her side.

"Hey, chin up," Birdie teased, and Gerard felt the ghost of her elbow against her ribs. "You go in there like that and Brian's gonna know something's up. We're gonna be fine, y'know? You're the strong one, anyway."

Gerard snorted sarcastically and rolled her eyes as ache bloomed in her heart. "You're the only reason I'm strong," she croaked. In the back of her mind, she knew she was just talking to the air. At least nobody was walking around on the street.

Still, Birdie's visage remained. The faint memory of the soft blue sweater sleeve brushed against Gerard's hand. "C'mon, we're gonna be late. One foot in front of the other, now."

She swallowed acid in the back of her throat again, but she walked up to the front door anyway, and nodded curtly at the annoying door boy before passing him by. The club was already full of drunk and eager patrons as another dancer swung around the stage pole, and she hurried her way back to the dressing room without a word.

The moment she saw Jessica, she bolted right for her and took her hand. "Jepha." Her voice was only a whisper, and she couldn't help but peek behind her shoulder. "I need your help. I know you're close to Brian, at least— you know."

"We're sleeping together, yeah," Jessica confirmed. "But I'm not attached. What do you need?"

"Do you know anything about the security cams? Does he have the videos?" Gerard whispered. "Please, I'm sorry to ask this of you, but it's more important than anything right now."

Jessica tried to soothe her by rubbing her shoulder. "Hey, honey, it's okay—"

"It's not. Not yet," Gerard cut her off. "I'm sorry. I can't explain a whole lot but I need to get into the security videos. Does he have 'em?"

Jessica nodded slowly. "Yeah, but he keeps them at…his place." She paused for a moment, clearly thinking hard. "I can keep him distracted here for you. How long do you need?"

Gerard pressed a hand to her own chest and sobbed again. "Sorry," she muttered again. "I, um, d-do you know where, more specifically?"

Jessica bit her tongue. "Either in the living room or his bedroom."

Gerard exhaled. "I promise not to take all night. Call it three hours?"

Jessica nodded. "I can do that." She kissed Gerard's cheek gently. "You be careful, okay? His kitchen window lock in the back is broken, fucker's too lazy to get it fixed."

"I owe you my life. And I promise I'll explain everything when I get the video, but I'm so fucking grateful for you." Gerard sniffled. "I'm on soon."

"Sure, okay." Jessica tried to smile. "It will be okay, Mariah. I know it might not be now, but if this is about Birdie, she's got your back."

Gerard pecked her cheek in return. "You have no idea how much this means to me. Just, please text me if anything happens."

"Go on, you gotta get ready." Jessica patted her hip affectionately. "You'll be okay."

For her dance that night, she wore Birdie's dress, just to feel like she was still holding her close. That, and wearing a dress helped her hide a few scars around her ribs from the car accident. Once her song started playing, it's like she could shut her brain off and let the routine flow through her. She just kept her sight on the lights above her and the familiar faces of the waitresses so her nerves wouldn't freeze her up.

It was good enough for the performance, though goosebumps crept over her skin the moment she was backstage again. She glanced over herself in the mirror again when she stood back and took a better look at the slip dress. Birdie's tits were smaller than hers, so the top lace never covered her full bra. Brian liked it that way, anyway, and the thought turned her stomach. Gerard wasn’t going to be herself in Brian’s eyes; she wasn’t who he wanted. It didn’t matter. She was there to get the evidence she needed for Father Toro. Tossing the jacket on at the end of the night, she wrapped it around herself and gently smelled the old leather, all before nearly jumping out of her skin at the sound of Brian opening the door.

“You okay?” He arched a suspicious brow. “Did someone spook you out there? I can call security,” he offered.

“No. Sorry.” Gerard almost rubbed her eye, but avoided fucking up her makeup. “Just in my thoughts again. I counted all my tips.”

Brian paused, poking his tongue at his cheek. "Cool. Well, Jess and I were gonna grab some drinks tonight. Was wondering if you wanted to tag along."

She forced a smile. "Thanks for the offer, but I can't. Maybe tomorrow?"

"We're not going out tomorrow," he answered flatly. "But whatever, your loss. I'm gonna lock the place up, then, so hurry and get on home."

She just snorted and clicked her tongue. "You don't gotta tell me twice, man." Trying to hold her head high, she shoved the money in a clutch and passed Brian by. "See you." She could still feel his gaze locked on her back as she left, but if she looked back at him, she'd lose her composure.

At first, she took her usual path that she'd take to go home, but when she was sure she wasn't being followed, she pulled her phone out to text Jessica that she was heading to Brian's apartment, and changed direction.

She'd been to his place enough to remember where his address, at least, though she stayed on guard more than usual. It wasn't exactly the safest place in Newark. Figures. Even worse, she had to go through the back and nudge the window open without being seen. It wasn't the most graceful of entrances, but she borrowed a neighbor's trash can to step on and crawled through the space barely big enough for her body, stumbling hard onto the counter before hitting the cracked linoleum floor.

Muttering a line of curses, she pushed herself onto her feet and stuck to the shadows as she crept into the living room. Searching through the living room didn't help at all, and she tried her hardest to make sure everything was how she found it.

When she crept up to his bedroom, she searched every box she could find until she opened one under his bed with a bunch of DVDs inside. He had dozens of them, all dated back to years ago. She was thankful they were in order, at least.

February 2nd. The DVD case had the right date. She wanted to throw up just staring down at it, but time was running out. Holding her breath, tears started falling hard again as she shoved the disc into his TV and turned it on, sitting back and hugging her knees, her nails threatening to pierce her skin.

It took a bit of fast forwarding from the beginning of the night, but the more she stared, the more she could see herself. Her and Birdie talking after their dances. Birdie getting in some sort of argument, and she could start to hear Birdie's voice in her head. Muffled, far away; she forgot what the argument was about. But she remembered that he was figuring it out. They were running away.

Gerard had pulled Birdie toward the back door to protect her, to run through the back alley, but Brian only followed them out and his bouncers cut the girls off at the gate. Brian backed Gerard up against the door and separated her from Birdie.

The streetlamp only covered his back and cast his face in deep shadow. Still, somehow, there was a furious yellow glow in the corner of his eyes, trapping her against the rusted door. With her fingers gripping the handle for dear life, there was no way she could open it. His hand was too tight on her jaw, he could have cracked the bone if he wanted to, she was sure, and everything began to slip.

She couldn’t think of Roberta anymore, bleeding out in the alley. She couldn’t think of the bodyguard pulling his knife out of her lung, she couldn’t think of the Saint racing and scaring him away, dropping to his knees to gather Roberta in his arms. Her vision blurred, and all expression faded out of her face, her eyes.

Brian was talking, sure, probably threatening her with his own knife to her lips as she sank down to her knees. Her legs couldn’t hold her weight anymore. The rust scraped her shoulders and arms up, only worsened by the goosebumps wrought over her skin. Brian didn’t even look real anymore; when he forced her head to tilt up and look at him again, his full shadow cast over her. Suffocating. Freezing. The shadow forced her to nod, and in the blink of an eye, it vanished from her sight and just left the image of her angel glowing in the haze of the streetlight, in a pool of Roberta’s blood.

With shaking arms, she crawled down the cold concrete steps and into the growing red river. “Birdie? Baby, no-” Gerard hovered over her still body, and shook her shoulder. “Birdie, c-come on. Wake up.” She shook her harder, then grabbed her face. Roberta’s eyes were still wide open, now limp and still. “They’re gonna find us, Birdie, we have to go!” Gerard started screaming again, trying to pull her up. “We have to go!” She flinched when the Saint’s warm hand grazed against her shoulder. It was only then that she noticed how truly bad her whole body was shaking. “I’m sorry. Help her, please.”

The Saint shrugged his leather jacket off and wrapped it around Gerard’s back. “Gerard, they’re going to find you,” he repeated, frowning right when sirens grew louder from the streets. “You need to run. Get back to Mikey.”

She was going to be sick. “Birdie needs me-”

“Roberta’s with God now.” The Saint took her hand and squeezed it. His face lost its definition, the details of his face started to blur. “Get up.” His voice warped. “Run!”

Gerard couldn’t move her legs. By the time the red and blue lights blinded the alley, her eyes rolled up behind the lids.

The tape showed Father Toro helping Gerard onto her feet again, though she had blacked this out completely. She didn't remember stumbling toward the back of the alley and up a flight of metal grated stairs and vanishing completely into darkness, but the grainy footage of her body vanished off screen, abandoning two of the three people she loved most. Slamming the stop button, she ejected the disc and shoved it back into the case, turned off the TV, and rushed back for the kitchen window to get the fuck out of there.

After crawling out of the apartment, she ran down the street with her phone in one hand and the security footage in the other. She shot a text to Jessica first to let her know she was done, and another to Mikey to let him know she'd be home soon. Before going straight home, though, she diverted to the church. Father Iero earned her trust back enough; he'd know what to do.

Her heart hammered against her ribs the whole walk over; she tried her hardest not to look over her shoulder every few seconds. At the same time, she was barely cognizant as she walked. It seemed like she blinked her eyes and was already trying to tug the church doors open, and her heart was about to drop out of her chest when she found them locked.

"Gerard?"

The voice was so gentle, but she still screamed and curled her fingers into fists as she turned around. Luckily, she realized it was only Father Iero behind her before instinct allowed her to swing. Her defenses melted as she burst into sobs, covering her mouth. "Please help," she begged him, stumbling forward into his embrace.

Father Iero hugged her loosely for a quick moment and nodded before pulling back. "Come inside, right over here." He led her across the street to his apartment and closed the curtains while Gerard collapsed on his couch. "What happened?"

Her tongue felt thick. Her voice failed her. Her lips forgot how to form words. She just reached into her pocket again and shoved the CD into his hands as she tried to take control of her breathing again.

Father Iero breathed slowly with her. "What is this?" he asked softly.

Gerard gripped his wrist tight as she pressed her lips together until they hurt, humming in pain. "Make a copy," she finally choked out.

He blinked, but nodded and grabbed his laptop so he could sit next to her. "Make a copy of this," he repeated, sliding the disc into the hard drive. Gerard closed her eyes so she didn't have to watch the video again, but she listened to the air leave Father Iero's lungs. He squeezed her hand, and she turned her head away more. "It's evidence," he whispered.

She wanted to tell him that they could get Father Toro out of jail now. She accomplished what he asked of her, but she fell quiet again.

Father Iero set the laptop down on a side table. "Okay. I'm downloading the video now, and I'll make a copy. We'll take this to the police in the morning, yeah?"

"You have to take it," she croaked. "I don't think they'll believe me."

He chewed on his lip, but nodded. "Regardless. It'll get into their hands in the morning, and that's all that matters. Thank you, Gerard." He paused, resting a hand on her arm. "Are you okay?"

Clearly, she wasn't. Brian kept her silent for a whole year and convinced her that she was the one that was responsible for Birdie's death. A year that her beloved Saint was behind bars when she could have given a testimony so long ago to prove his innocence. Tears welled up in her eyes all over again, and she hunched over until her forehead pressed against her knees.

"Everything is falling into place now," he assured her softly. "It's almost over. You did it, Gerard."

She forced a nod and placed her hand over his. "Yeah," she exhaled, and tried to straighten her back again. "Mikey's waiting for me at home. I think, maybe—" Her voice trailed off hesitantly.

Somehow, he read her mind. "Do you want to invite him over? It's probably safer if you two stayed here for the night, and we could all take this to the cops in the morning."

"I should have sent him here earlier," she thought aloud, pushing her hair back. Still, she pulled her phone out of her pocket to call Mikey, and slowly stood up to pace the room. Every ring that he didn't pick up made her tense up more,and she hung up when the call went to voicemail. Mikey always had his phone close. Frowning, she just called him again, and still nothing.

Father Iero frowned. "Is he asleep?"

"No, Mikey's sleep schedule's…" Her voice trailed off, and she called a third time. The phone didn't even ring anymore. "I'm just gonna go get him."

"Let me drive you. It's late." He got up as well and grabbed his keys. "I can't let you go alone in good conscience."

Gerard swallowed, but it seemed like she couldn't convince him otherwise. She just took the CD out of his laptop and slid it back into her pocket before heading outside to his car. She told him her address when he drove off, but something in her gut felt cold. Staring forward, her fingers curled tight into her palms. "Can you just stay by the end of the street?"

He blinked. "Why? Is everything okay?"

Gerard hesitated. "I don't want to scare Mikey. He's been— I've put him through enough, and he still doesn't trust you yet, I don't think. I'd just rather talk to him first before bringing him back."

Father Iero nodded. "Yeah," he relented, and pulled up to the corner of her street. "I'll be here."

"I won't take long," she assured him, and opened the door. "Thank you, Father." The street was eerily silent as she walked down to her apartment, until a strong breeze caused familiar hinges to creak.

She put her hand on the door and froze. It opened without her even turning the handle; someone broke in. Someone broke in while Mikey was home alone. “Mikey?” Her voice squeaked, and she stumbled inside. “Mikey!” She was already scrambling for her phone to call him.

“Don’t bother, Mariah.” Two people loomed in the corner of the living room with all the lights turned off. The couch was flipped over, TV broken, tables with snapped legs. Mikey was being held in a headlock with a knife under his chin. Assumedly, the same knife that killed Roberta. Held by the bodyguard that drove it into her lung.

The phone slipped out of Gerard’s hand. “Put the fucking knife down. He didn’t do anything.”

“Empty your pockets,” the bodyguard demanded. “Right now.”

Her eyes flowed over with tears, but when Brian appeared by her side, she shrugged her whole jacket off and handed it over to him. “Tell your fucking cronie to let my brother go.”

Brian hummed and pulled the CD out of the pocket. He clicked his tongue, tossing the jacket to the floor when he looked her in the eye. “Bad girl,” he muttered. “Things were going so good, y’know. And now you had to go and drag Jessie into the mess.”

“Don’t touch her.” On instinct, Gerard shoved him back into the wall, but he bounced back quickly and backhanded her.

Brian huffed. “Maybe it’s just worth finishing the job. I can imagine the headlines now, Insane Stripper Kills Brother in a Murder-Suicide. Wouldn’t you read that?” His smile grew. “And nobody’s really gonna look for Jessie's body, anyway.”

Gerard was done being scared. She was done letting Brian take everyone away from her. She was done freezing and fawning and succumbing to the fear. Her focus shifted to the guard holding Mikey and rushed to knock the knife out of his hand, at the very least. He grabbed at her neck in retaliation, but let go of Mikey.

Mikey stumbled back, tripping over himself. "Stop!" he screamed.

Gerard jerked her head back, trying and failing to escape his grip. "You got what you wanted," she squeaked, strands of hair messily sticking all over her sweaty face. "Leave us alone."

Brian looked the CD over and clicked his tongue. "It ain't as easy as that now. No matter how hard I try to shut you up, you just get more troublesome. If you just killed yourself like I told you to, then poor Mikey wouldn't even be in this situation." He pressed his hand gently against the small of her back.

The strength in Gerard's legs were starting to fail her, but she widened her stance to keep from falling to her knees. "You killed Birdie—"

"Hey. Look at me." Brian pulled the guard's hand off her throat so he could turn her around and stare her in the eye. "If it wasn't for you, she'd still be alive. If you didn't fucking plan on skipping town and making her leave me, you wouldn't be talking to her damn ghost all the time, you crazy bitch." Something clicked in his hand. Another flick knife.

Gerard grabbed his arm and tried to push him back again, and the blade flailed in the air. She managed to avoid it by sheer luck just as sirens echoed from outside. Fire burned in her chest as she clenched her teeth. "You can't kill the righteous," she hissed. "I survived to put you in Hell where you belong."

"You bitch!" Brian raised his hand again, and Mikey jumped up to stop the knife from coming down on his sister.

Gerard's heart nearly stopped just as red and blue lights flooded in from the window and open door, her eyes fixed on Mikey. Brian grabbed him by the shoulders and drove his knee up into his stomach. Two cops came rushing in screaming with guns up. Brian's two guards made a run for the back door, and he hurried after them.

She could see the fated alley again, the blood on the pavement. Mikey's body lay crumpled at her feet, and she dropped to her knees to pull him into her arms. "No—" she exhaled. "Mikey, no."

Mikey took a sharp breath in and struggled to sit up. "It's fine, I'm fine. Gee, hey, don't go anywhere." He took her face in his hands, putting pressure on her jaw to try and ground her. "Gerard, stay with me."

Another cop entered the room, unarmed. "Are you two okay?" he asked, right before Father Iero paused in the doorway. The cop turned around and held his arm out. "You can't be here, this is an active crime scene—"

"I'm her priest," he said probably more firmly than he meant, but he was allowed to enter the room. "Gerard? Mikey?"

"Fuck, Mikey's hurt…" Gerard couldn't feel her body.

Mikey shook his head. "No, he barely hurt me. Fuck, he was gonna…" He shut his eyes for a moment and just hugged Gerard as tight as he could. "I'm okay. I'm fine, Gee, breathe with me." He inhaled slowly and rubbed her back.

Gerard just gripped his shirt with all the strength in her hands and wailed against his shoulder, rocking him gently.

Mikey brushed her hair back and let her cry until she quieted down a little. "It's okay, it's gonna be okay," he murmured when he was sure she was listening.

Gerard sobbed as she pulled back from Mikey to check his face, his arms, his shoulders. "Did he hurt you? What happened?" she thought aloud.

"I'm fine," Mikey repeated, holding her hands. "Look at me."

Father Iero slowly knelt down next to Mikey. "The police are here, and they just want to make sure you're both okay," he reminded Gerard. "Is that alright?"

"Where's Brian?" Gerard asked louder. She couldn't take her eyes off Mikey.

"We're pursuing him and his accomplices right now," the cop answered. "Gerard, is that your name? We're going to escort you and your brother to the hospital for an evaluation."

"No!" Gerard pushed herself back a few inches. "I don't need to go."

"No, they won't admit you again," Father Iero quickly and quietly explained. "They just want to make sure Brian didn't attack you, okay?"

Gerard pressed her hands over her face as she shook her head. "No," she sobbed. "No. Don't take me there."

Father Iero swallowed. "Gerard, all they want to do is make sure you're out of danger. It's not a good idea to stay here tonight, and the hospital is the safest place you and Mikey could stay. I know you're sound of mind, Mikey knows that too. The doctors are just going to make sure you're not hurt. We have the evidence that the police need now, so I'll give that to them."

Mikey nodded. "We should go," he agreed softly. "I'm not leaving your side."

Gerard forced herself to take a deeper breath. "I'm not letting them put me back in there. I won't give Brian that satisfaction."

"You don't have to." Mikey pulled her into another hug. "Everything's taken care of right now, okay? It's just one night in the ER."

She bit her tongue hard. "Where's my rosary?"

Father Iero got up again to pick the jacket up. He checked her pockets and handed the rosary over to Gerard, hugging the jacket to his chest. "Do you want to pray real quick before you go?"

Gerard sniffled with a broken smile, and nodded. When Mikey shifted back to give them space, she took Father Iero's hands with her rosary between their palms.

He bowed his head and made the sign of the cross, and she followed his lead. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

She finally took a deep, slow breath. "Amen," she whispered, and gave his hands a gentle squeeze. "Thank you." Mikey helped her back to her feet, and she clutched his arm when they were led out to the back of a cop car.

Though anxiety still kept her up most of the night at the hospital, both Mikey and Father Iero were true to their word, and she didn't have to be admitted back into the psych ward. All they were given were simple wellness checks and an overnight observation, and she was allowed to keep her phone to keep in touch with Father Iero as he submitted the security video. When Gerard and Mikey were released in the morning, they decided to head straight to the police station and give the testament first.

Her pulse raced again when they entered the precinct, and she didn't let go of Mikey while they were taken back to an interrogation room and sat down. A detective with the case file settled on the other side of the table. "We'll be recording this to submit to court," he reminded them. "You can start whenever you're ready, Miss Way."

Gerard squeezed Mikey’s hand. “It took me a while to remember everything, but I do now.” She exhaled. “Can I smoke in here?”

“Sorry.” The detective shook his head. “Just take your time, we’re not rushing you.”

“You got this,” Mikey whispered, sliding his fingers between hers.

Tears already crept up in the corners of her eyes, and she held her breath. “Roberta and I were gonna get out of here. We were gonna pick Mikey up and just...ditch the town. Thank fucking God Brian didn’t hear about Mikes, but...” She shook her head. “Father Toro came to help us at the end of the night. That’s what he was gonna do, but Brian caught word about us leaving and-” She stopped when her mouth dried up. Her throat seized up when she tried to swallow, and she shut her eyes tight. “Birdie.”

Mikey rubbed slow circles into her back. “You’re safe, Gee.”

“She wasn’t. I didn’t stop him.” Gerard jerked away from Mikey and hunched over, burying her face in her hands. “Brian was so quick. Him and his...his fucking bouncers. We grabbed our shit and bolted for the back door.” She coughed out a hard sob, her back shuddering. “Birdie couldn’t even scream. S-” She had to say it. “Stabbed her in the lung. Gone in minutes.”

Mikey swallowed hard and hugged her from behind. “C’mon, sit up,” he whispered. “I got you, it’s okay now.” He pulled her shoulders up and brushed her hair back before speaking a little more firmly to the detective. “That must have been right before she found me again. I was waiting at Father Toro’s car, but he never showed up. Only Gee did,” he continued.

The second officer sifted through a few papers, and nodded. “Where did you go after that, Mr. Way?”

“Gerard was completely out of it, begging me to go back to the church. But the moment we got there and found Father Iero, she went, like, mute.” Mikey took a soft breath. “And the next day, she was- um, I don’t remember the word. Like she was in a coma, but awake.”

“Catatonic?” the detective offered.

Mikey nodded, and he started rubbing his eye with a frown. “Yeah. She was so out of it, and so me and the Father took her to the hospital. Both to- to keep her safe, and to try and get her back-” His voice cracked, and he tried to straighten up. “I guess that’s when you guys stepped in. Cops, I mean.”

The detective nodded. “I know it would be a fair amount of paperwork, but if you sign some release forms to let us examine your medical history, it’ll help prove Father Toro’s innocence. Well, the security footage will close Roberta’s case, but we could also charge him for what he’s done to you, too. And we’d like you to talk with one of our psychiatrists here-”

“Whatever you need.” Gerard exhaled as she hunched against the table. “I’ll do it. Just get Father Toro out of there. Please.”

He paused. "We'll do what we can. In the meantime, we have to process Brian and we'll let you know when the court date is, okay? Just keep your eyes out for the letter, Ms. Way, and thank you for your cooperation."

Mikey rubbed her back. "It's almost over," he told her softly as a stack of papers was placed down in front of her to read and sign.

Gerard just snorted. "I just hope the trial doesn't take forever…but I guess you're right. We know he won't hurt us anymore, and we're doing the right thing for Father Toro."

†

Gerard’s eyelids fluttered softly as they opened. She was warm, that was the first thing she noticed, the type of warm a cat felt when it napped in a sun spot. But the brightness of the room was subdued, and her sight sharpened to a few shelves of lit votive candles. She also quickly noticed her shoulder was sore after using her arm as a pillow.

“Shh, you don’t have to move yet.” A gentle voice spoke to her, whispered right against the shell of her ear. A light touch swept across her cheekbone, causing her to roll onto her back. The surface under her was stiff and smooth, but it didn’t take her long to realize she had been stretched out on the altar. She reached a hand up to touch the voice now above her, and her vision sharpened to focus on her Saint, smiling warmly down at her. And he was naked from the waist up, save for the rosary dangling from his neck.

Gerard’s pulse spiked, and she felt the heat flare all the way from her stomach to her neck. Propping herself up on her elbows, she gazed up at him and leaned her cheek more into his palm. “Did you bring me here?”

The Saint shook his head. “You were here, waiting for me.”

Gerard swallowed. “Forgive me? I...I missed you.”

The Saint slid his hand gently around to cradle the back of her head, and brought his lips up to press against her cheek. “God will always forgive you, Gerard.”

Gerard shut her eyes again, pressing a hand gently up against his bare chest. Her fingers brushed gently over the prayer beads. “I’m not asking for His forgiveness. I’m asking for yours.” Without a second thought, she pressed her lips timidly against the Saint’s.

He didn’t pull away. His lips were as warm as the candles, and he only pulled Gerard’s face harder against his own. His knees pressed down on either side of Gerard’s hips, and when he broke the kiss, his free hand ran slowly over the slip dress. He idly played with one of the straps hanging around her forearm. The realization that he was straddling her thighs could’ve made her cum on the spot if she thought about it long enough.

But she needed to make this last. Gerard sighed softly and let her head fall back, gazing at the carved ceiling. “Yes,” he whispered. “I’m yours, Saint. I love you.”

“Gerard,” he whispered again, this time his voice sounded heavier. Deeper, but it was still unequivocally his. Just thick with an emotion she couldn’t place.

It made her whole body shiver. “Promise that you’ll stay with me?” she pleaded. Her nails gently dragged over his collarbone, not even pressing into the skin. “My light in the dark, my shield, my savior. I need you.”

His hands dropped to lift her slip dress up over her body, letting it fall to the floor. She hadn’t worn anything underneath. “You’ve got nothing to fear, Gerard. I’m with you.” He pressed a gentle hand over her chest, and their heartbeats became one.

Gerard’s eyes widened, unable to tear free from the saint’s gaze. She was now bare before him, vulnerable, nothing to hide. Her hands made a feeble attempt to cover her chest for a moment as she laid down again, her thighs nudging tighter together.

“You don’t have to hide yourself from me,” he assured her, his long, soft fingers stroking down from her cheekbone to her neck. “You’re so beautiful, Gerard. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you right now.”

Gerard was startled by the wave of dizziness that swept over her body, even though she was on her back. Still, she pushed herself up again, leaning back on her arms. “I want to worship you,” she breathed. It was a decent distraction from getting flustered so quickly. “Every part of you.”

He tucked her hair behind her ear. “I’m all yours, too.”

Gerard whimpered softly and kissed him hard, grabbing his jaw on both sides. “I want to be with you so bad,” she whispered. “I want to hold you. I want to wake up next to you.” Biting her lip, she carefully dropped herself off the altar and knelt down by his feet. She pressed her forehead to them, then kissed his ankles. “I’d follow wherever you went. I want to be your faithful servant.”

“Gerard,” he whispered again, and leaned over to pull her up more. “I ask for nothing from you. You owe me nothing.”

Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes as she gazed up at him, and pressed her face into his lap. “I owe you my life. I almost lost you forever when you needed my help.”

“Your love is all I ever needed.” He stroked her hair back gently. “You choosing to live is all I need.”

Gerard took a deep breath and kissed his knees, her lips trailing up his thighs. “Would you let me give myself to you?”

Without hesitation, the Saint nodded. “Of course I will.”

“You forgive me?” She forced herself to look up at him, swallowing hard.

He only paused for a second, but he nodded. “Of course I do,” he assured her, but continued. “You don’t need to be forgiven, but I’ll give that to you.”

Gerard sighed in relief, and she bowed her head again. Her lips dragged over his thighs, pressing against the pulse in his groin, and she found herself moaning. Her face heated quickly, and she shut her eyes tight.

“It’s alright, Gerard,” he assured, pressing his fingers under her chin to tilt her face up. “You’re safe here. I want to hear you. I don’t want you to hold your love back from me.”

“We are safe.” Gerard nudged the wrap around his hips aside fully and held her breath. The Saint’s cock was perfect, and she was almost shocked to feel the weight of it in her hand. Without keeping her watering mouth in suspense anymore, she pressed her tongue to the base and slid upward until she took the head in.

The Saint moaned above her, gently running his nails back over her scalp. The nails left waves of tingles that shot through her nerves, all the way down her spine and over her hips.

Gerard shut her eyes as she moved her head slowly, taking in a tiny bit more of his cock with each bob. She wanted so desperately to see his face, to see the radiance shine off his warm skin, to see his face in the purest bliss, but she was so sure her heart would stop if their eyes locked gazes with his cock still in her mouth.

“You’re so beautiful, Gerard. You’re so good at showing how you love me.” His voice was breathy and tender, sinking right down through her pelvis. When she pulled off for a moment, the Saint massaged the side of her jaw.

She smiled timidly. “It feels good?” she croaked, her hand still stroking the shaft smoothly. Unable to help herself, needing more of his taste, she licked the head slowly again.

The Saint nodded and tilted his head back. Gerard got lost in staring at his perfect neck. “I’m happy we’re together again.”

She hummed and kissed his hip, then took him back into her mouth more eagerly. She got more excited when she could taste a hint of salt on his tongue, encouraging her to suck harder. Without thinking, she reached down between her own legs. She was desperate to be touched at this point, but even the thought of asking him to lay his hands on her brought the dizziness back, and she would have been more than content just to make him cum like this.

“Wait.” The saint took Gerard by the chin and lifted her head up. His eyes were blown wide, lips parted, and chest lightly panting. “You want to give yourself to me?”

Gerard’s lashes fluttered as she tilted her head in confusion. “Yes,” she answered like it was obvious, and gripped both of his thighs right above the knees. “You already have me, don’t you? My heart, my soul, my faith. Anything you want of me, it’s yours.” Her eyes stung as she went on, and her chin scrunched. “Even though I’ll never be worthy-”

He pressed a finger to her lips, and silence filled the church again. “That’s not true, Gerard. You have always been worthy of me.” Without effort, he helped her rise back to her feet, only to lay her back down on the altar. Now completely bare himself, he knelt over her again, and nudged himself between her legs this time. He dipped his shoulders down and kissed the tears off her cheeks.

She sniffled, but tried to keep herself together. The Saint wasn’t making it really easy, his beauty almost too much for her to handle. She was overwhelmed with gazing at the body over her, reaching up to touch his shoulders, his forearms, and back up to his pecs. She brushed her thumbs lightly, timidly, over his nipples and continued shakily downward. Her fingers fanned out over his ribs, and she pressed her palm up beside his sternum.

“You’re the most beautiful thing in existence,” Gerard whispered instead, hiccuping slightly. She closed her eyes again, another wave of heat washing over her as she reached down and stroked the Saint’s cock again. Her legs widened, one dangling off the altar. She knew this should have felt wrong, she knew he must have been defiling the house of God, but the need was too great now. Her heart didn’t feel as heavy as it was meant to, so maybe this wasn’t wrong at all.

“It’s okay,” the Saint whispered, right against her ear. “You haven’t done anything wrong.” His body rolled down to press against hers, and their hips brushed together. “I love you, too.”

Gerard’s head lolled to the side as her body stiffened. But the saint’s hand was there to turn it back toward him.

“Look at me, Gerard.” He kissed her forehead. “I’m going to prove how worthy you are.”

“Oh, God...” Gerard was going to melt all over the altar, and finally opened her damp eyes again. Her heart was up in her mouth by then; she was sure the Saint could practically taste it when they kissed again. “Yes.” She arched her neck up, her throat and carotid pulse fully exposed to feel his full lips against every inch of them. Tears flowed from her eyes, and she tried her hardest to swallow the sobbing.

His fingers warmed against Gerard’s thighs, smoothing up and over her haunches. He slid her calf to rest over the small of his back as his hips shifted again, and then she could feel him. The candles burned brighter and her soul sparked with light when his cock stretched her walls out, and she pulled her shoulders up to cling desperately onto him.

“That’s it. Just relax, Gerard.” He pressed their hips together again when he buried himself fully inside her, tasting the thin layer of sweat on her neck. His mouth raised higher, lips dragging back up around her jaw and cheek to kiss away the tears of sheer, raw need. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Gerard whispered back, the words twisting out of her throat. She was more action than words, though, when she grinded back against him and devolved into a whimpering mess under him. Her fingers clutched at the rosary beads resting on the back of his neck when he pulled back and thrust into her harder.

His purity burned out the shame in her heart the more she confessed her love for him over and over. At some point, she couldn’t feel the warmed marble of the altar against her back anymore, and she thought she was ascending. But with the Saint’s hands gripping her back, he had just pulled her up into his lap instead.

Still sheathed inside her, he could look up at her at this new angle instead. The candlelight made his smile shine, his eyes glimmered with a holy aura that made the world around her melt away. Without wasting time, she rolled and grinded in rhythm with his thrusts. Their open mouths pressed together, not quite in kisses but just sharing breaths- or, at least in Gerard’s case, crying out wordlessly until her echoes of passion filled the chapel. She gripped his shoulders and leaned back to get a better angle, but when he reached down to press his thumb to her clit, everything was bliss.

Her peripherals blurred with a hot orange glow and her blood sang. Her muscles all tightened at once, toes curled as she kept her eyes on him, and for that sweet moment, she knew what it was truly like to be holy.

“I’m yours, too.” He ran his fingers tenderly back through her hair. On his final thrust, he whimpered softly and kissed the hollow of her throat as she continued to squeeze around his cock. She could start to feel the cum dripping out of her, painting her groin. “With your love, I’m free.”

She tried to calm her breathing, her chest rising and falling slowly as she buried her face into his soft curls. “I never thanked you,” she thought aloud. “For saving me. Twice.”

His laugh was so gentle and sweet, Gerard sank more into a feeling of safety. “I’m always going to be with you when you need me.” He pulled back enough to kiss her again. “And besides, you saved me, too.”

Gerard’s smile grew, and she pressed their foreheads together. “I’m never letting you go,” she murmured, pulling him back to lay on top of her again.

The warmth couldn’t last forever, as much as she wanted it to. When she opened her eyes again, she felt sweat all over her skin and her thighs were so wet they could slide against each other with ease. But she nearly fell out of her bed with a jump when she saw Mikey sitting by the far end. “Shit!”

Mikey got up, too, holding his hands up. “I’m sorry. I thought you were having another nightmare,” he admitted. “Are you okay?”

“Fuck, Mikes.” Gerard pressed her hand hard to her chest, but she nodded. “Yeah- I’m just, uh- I...” She swallowed, and quickly glanced to her crucifix before settling on Mikey again. “Just, um, I’m nervous. For the trial.” A tiny, curt nod followed. “Thanks. I’m okay. Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Mikey headed to the door. “Everything will go fine, you’ll give a last testimony, they’re gonna say Brian’s guilty and give him his sentence.”

Gerard bit her tongue hard, and she waited until Mikey was downstairs before heading off to the bathroom to give herself a quick, cold shower. With the Saint’s dream touch still ghosting across her skin, she only washed her hair and tried to keep his memory clung to her for as long as she could.

When she got out and returned to her room, she chewed on her lip by how much of her work outfits she had to sift through to find something court-appropriate. As much as she loved those outfits, staring at them for too long now started to make her feel sick. She'd have to go through them when she felt more stable and maybe give them away to one of the other dancers who could use them more.

But that was for another day. For now, she just tossed on a white button-up with slacks and the only blazer she owned. Mikey was waiting for her by the front door, and offered her the leather jacket before heading out the door.

She didn't know anything about trials before, let alone criminal trials. At the very least, she thought she was at least going to be able to sit with Mikey, or anyone. A lawyer, the cops she talked to, but she was asked to sit in a room to the side while the case started. It brought her to a few tears, and as she dried her face, she just tried to listen as well as she could through the door as Brian and Father Toro's lawyers made their statements. She was grateful that she wasn't stuck with silence, though time started to drag through interrogations. At least Father Toro's questions put her more at ease, just to hear the sound of his voice.

The more she spaced out, the more she felt a gentle touch on her knee. Looking next to her, the Saint smiled in gratitude. There was a strange, warm light surrounding his figure, like he was glowing. "You finally did it, Gerard," he told her proudly.

Gerard swallowed. "I just wish Birdie was here to see Brian get what he deserves," she admitted, curling her fingers into her palms.

"It's okay," he assured her. "She knows."

Gerard jumped when the door opened, and a bailiff took up the space. "Ms. Way, they're ready for you," he told her. She swallowed, and glanced back at the empty room before standing up. Her heart tried to escape out of her throat as she stepped into the courtroom and took the seat beside the judge. As she placed her hand on a Bible, her free hand clutched to her Crucifix, she swore to tell the truth, and her eyes flew to Mikey first.

He nodded back at her from the gallery, and she was surprised to see him sat beside Father Iero. What didn't surprise her, though, was that they were both right behind Father Toro, who tried to wave at her as subtly as he could. He didn't glow like the Saint did, but he was still as soft and kind. She didn't even bother glancing in Brian's general direction.

"Could you state your name for the record, please?" Father Toro's lawyer asked as he approached her.

Her attention snapped back into the situation, and she nodded. "Yes. Gerard Way."

He smiled assuredly at her, and continued. "Miss Way, how long have you been employed under Brian Schechter?"

"Off and on?" Gerard swallowed quietly. "About 3 years, I had to…take a break for a psychiatric evaluation. But I didn't work anywhere else in those 3 years."

"Did Roberta McCracken work with you at Brian's club?" he asked.

She nodded again. "We met in the hospital and she got me the job."

"Would you consider yourself close to Roberta?"

Gerard inhaled slowly. "She was my best friend."

"So you were with her the afternoon and evening of February 2nd of last year?"

"Yeah." She straightened her posture.

"Could you please tell the court about the events of the day leading up to the incident that took place after your shift ended?"

A weight lifted off Gerard's chest as she focused more. Although she felt like she would crumble the first time telling the story to the police, she'd glued herself together since then and felt stronger than ever. "Birdie and I were planning on skipping town and living somewhere new, that was our last shift ever at the club before running away. As…as we took our tips, we ran out the back door where Father Toro was supposed to be waiting for us. But we got out the door…and Brian was there in the alley. With his bouncers, or his friends."

"Ray Toro had no association whatsoever with Brian?" the lawyer asked to be clear.

"No! No, of course not. He was my priest, I asked him for a very personal favor, to make sure we left the club safely," Gerard explained, and she could feel the tears burning in her eyes again. "I think he was just a minute late. But it didn't matter because Brian was there waiting for us anyway. If Father Toro had made it to the alley on time, he might've been killed as well."

He nodded. "After Brian's associate took Roberta's life, he and the men fled the scene and left you alive, and when did Ray appear?"

Gerard blinked at first. "I…I can't really say. I was so deep in shock, I just…blinked and suddenly he was there next to me, taking Birdie's…her body out of my lap. The cops were closeby. He…told me to run. He knew my brother was waiting for me, so— so I just did what he said."

A beat of silence passed before the lawyer continued. "Did you ever report the incident to the police?"

Her hands shook in her lap. "No. Brian would have come for me or my brother if I said anything about that night" She exhaled hard. "He even went so far as to convince me that I was the one that killed Birdie, and Father Toro was really taking the blame for me." She watched as Mikey glared darkly at Brian. "That was the reason for my hospital— my psych ward visit while I took a break from work."

"Thank you, Miss Way, no further questions."

As relieved as Gerard was that her testimony was over, she didn't want to go back to the room. But to her relief, the bailiff escorted her to the gallery benches, and she fell into Mikey's arms and sniffled with a grin.

Mikey exhaled softly. "I'm so proud of you," he whispered. "You did great."

Father Toro turned around to face her, and reached out to touch her hand. "Thank you, Gerard."

The trial felt like it went on for ages after that, and it was hard for Gerard to even breathe as the jury were excused to make their final decision. The moment she heard the word "Guilty," she collapsed against Mikey and Father Iero in relief. She and Mikey were truly safe. Her Saint was free again.

Gerard felt both tense and cold as she watched Brian get escorted out of the courthouse in handcuffs. When they locked eyes, Brian looked uncharacteristically blank, but she kept glaring at him as her heart sank into her stomach. When he was pushed into the back of a cop car, Mikey rubbed her back.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked softly.

Gerard’s shoulders relaxed completely when she turned back to him. “I dunno. I’m just relieved-” She paused. “But the guilt’s still there. Like, this could’ve been done so much sooner. Father Toro...”

He bit his tongue. “But you still did make things right. You couldn’t then, and that’s okay, too. Nobody’s mad at you,” he tried to assure her.

She exhaled and hugged him tight. “It’s my job to keep you safe, too. I’m sorry I haven’t been doing a good job of that.”

“Can you stop saying sorry?” Mikey shook his head. “You did keep me safe. You really did, Gee, I didn’t get hurt. You’re a good sister. A good person.”

“We’re gonna get out of here anyway.” Gerard closed her eyes. “Things are gonna get better from now on.”

“I know.” Mikey smiled and pulled back to look at her. “Should we get home?”

Gerard nodded, but she saw movement out of her peripherals, and turned and lost her breath. Father Toro left the courthouse next, keeping his head turned away from the reporters to hurry down the stairs and right into the waiting arms of Father Iero. She swallowed and took Mikey’s hand again. “Let’s go-”

“You need to say hi,” Mikey countered gently. “They want to say thank you.”

“Mikey.” Gerard shook her head. “It’s fine- Mikey!” She tugged back against him when he started guiding her toward the priests. Her muscles tensed up, but she had no choice but to follow him anyway.

Father Iero noticed them first, and he rushed up to Gerard and hugged her without hesitation. “I’m glad you could be here.”

Gerard’s pulse pounded in her ears, and it took her a second to hug him back. “It’s, um, an important day.” Her voice cracked. “The court made me, anyway.” She peeked back at Father Toro over Father Iero’s shoulder, and her face paled.

Father Toro took Gerard’s hand when the hug ended, just squeezing it gently. “I’m forever in your debt, Gerard. Thank you.”

Gerard leaned a little against Mikey’s shoulder. “You don’t owe me anything.” She couldn’t look away from his kind, tired eyes. “You don’t belong in jail. You- all you wanted to do was help.”

“And thanks to you, I can keep doing that now.” Father Toro nodded. His hands were warm, and the guilt weighed heavier in her stomach as she checked out the suit he wore. It was still strange to see Father Iero in his collar and him, well, his beautiful neck free of the cloth. Still, his expression and demeanor reminded her much more of the Saint like this, and she had to resist the urge to treat him like she did in her dreams.

She just nodded, and forced herself to pull away slowly. “Yeah. I hope life goes back to normal for you, not like anyone would believe you’d hurt a soul. You’re...one of the best men I’ve ever known.”

Father Iero beamed and nudged Father Toro’s side gently. “Speaking of that, let’s get you situated back at the church. You’ve got a lot to catch up on.”

“Give us a minute.” Father Toro smiled and shook his head, eyeing Gerard playfully. “I told you, his sin is impatience. But- really, Gerard, thank you for everything.”

Gerard tried to smile. “I’m sorry it took so long-”

“None of that,” he gently cut her off, waving his hand. “The length of time it took doesn’t matter, you still came through. Yours and Mikey’s safety was what mattered to me the most, and now Brian is never going to hurt anyone again.”

“Thank you,” Father Iero repeated, then Father Toro stared at him with a smirk until he spoke up again. “And- I’m so sorry if I’ve ever pressured you to testify. I didn’t fully realize everything you were already going through.”

She paused, a complete loss for words as she glanced between Father Iero and Mikey. Mikey nodded and squeezed her hand, which helped to restart her brain. “No, I totally get that you- I mean...you don’t have to apologize. I never felt pressured.” When she eyed Mikey again, she nudged him in the side.

Mikey blinked, then glanced at Father Iero and frowned lightly. “I’m sorry for trying to keep my sister away from you. It’s not because I didn’t, um, I didn’t want Father Toro out of jail. I did. But I was afraid of what Brian would do. What he did already.” He bit his tongue hard.

“I completely understand where you’re coming from, Mikey.” Father Iero let out a little sigh of relief. “I hope we’ll be seeing you on Sunday, yeah?”

“Of course.” Gerard relaxed a little more. “I wouldn’t miss it for anything. Oh, I forgot one more thing.” For a year, she wore the jacket like armor, but now she slipped it off her shoulders and offered it back to Father Toro. "Thank you. I did my best to take care of it."

Father Toro grinned, and he gently took it from her hand, hugging it loosely to his chest. "I'm glad it served you well."

"No problem." She tried her hardest to keep her complexion from blushing bright. "Well, Mikey and I…we should—" Turning quickly back to Mikey, she gave him the signal to get out of there and get on home.

As they headed back to the car, Mikey stared at Gerard. “You okay? Why did you wanna leave so fast?”

Gerard only shrugged, shoving her hands deep into her pockets. “It’s a lot.” She hoped it was enough of an answer, and that her nosy ass brother would catch the hint.

Thankfully, he did, only he seemed to pick up more than she meant to give him. “Oh.” He looked over his shoulder one last time at the priests, and sighed softly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Gerard squared her shoulders as she got in the passenger’s side. “Wanna go apartment hunting and get our minds off this?”

†

The next day was quiet. Gerard went to therapy in the morning, got her meds afterward, and picked up a bouquet of lilies while she was at the store.

“Who’re those for?” Mikey had asked after she returned home.

Gerard smiled softly. “Could you drop me off at the graveyard?”

He got up from the couch to grab his keys. “Do you want me to visit with you, or is it more of a private thing?”

“I’m just gonna talk to her for a bit. Maybe see the church again after, but thanks for offering.” She opened the front door for him.

After Mikey dropped her off at the gates, Gerard stepped out and clutched the lilies in her hand tighter. The skies darkened overhead, clouds slowly gliding under each other. She cracked a smile, regardless, walking along the rows of headstones quietly until she spotted Jessica sitting on the bench across from Birdie’s grave.

Jessica quickly sprang to her feet when Gerard hurried close. “Mariah, oh my god. There you are.” She sighed in relief and kissed her cheek. “I heard that you were safe, but I was still so scared.”

"Just call me Gee now." Gerard sniffled hard as she pulled her into her arms. “Brian told me that you- that he...” She sobbed, shaking her head. “Fuck, I’m so tired of crying. You just have no idea how good it is to see you.”

“Girl, you better save those tears.” Jessica laughed softly and dried Gerard’s face with her sleeve. “I’m okay, barely a scratch on me. And even better, it’s all over now. And if I can call you Gee, then I'll be Jepha again.”

“At least they’re happy tears this time.” Gerard smiled. “Finally.” A beat of silence passed, and she glanced down at the bouquet. “Came to see her, too?”

“I do every month.” Jepha shrugged. “I was afraid of her getting lonely, y’know?”

“God, she was clingy.” Gerard snorted. “But I wouldn’t have had her any other way.” Walking over to the headstone, she placed the flowers down. “We did it, baby. We’re free now, Brian and his asshole friends are locked up for good.”

“What are you gonna do now?” Jepha asked, loosely hugging her arm.

Gerard shrugged. “I’m still in mandatory therapy, so...I’ll figure shit out after that.”

“You got this.” Jepha perked up as she glanced over Gerard’s shoulder. “Birdie’s popular today, I guess.”

Gerard blinked in confusion, then turned to look behind as well. Father Toro might as well have taken all the air from her lungs. “Oh.”

Jepha patted her shoulder. “Well, I’ve been meandering around here long enough. You and Mikey should come over soon, we can job hunt together.”

“Thanks.” Gerard softened and nodded, kissing her knuckles before she headed off and left Father Toro to fill in the empty space. Her throat dried up, and she fumbled a cigarette out of her purse just to give her hands something to do.

Father Toro smiled gently. “Am I interrupting?”

“God, no.” Gerard chuckled nervously, then gestured to the bench. “Sit with me?”

He grinned. “I’d be happy to.” A small ‘thanks’ passed his lips when she offered him a cigarette as well. They sat at the same time, letting a comfortable silence settle between them. Even if Gerard’s heart started pounding.

She pressed her own precariously between her lips, and just stared down the length of the white paper tube until Father Toro lit the end for her. She laughed softly, and inhaled before holding it between her fingers. “Thanks,” she whispered, the smoke pushed out with her breath.

“Care to confess?” he teased softly, taking a drag from his own.

She smirked when she turned her face to look at him. He still looked so tired, but at peace. Still her Saint, but...so human now. “Forgive me, Father, for I-” She laughed a little at herself. “I don’t really know what there is to say anymore.” That was a half-truth, anyway. The rest of her thoughts stuck in her throat like phlegm. She tried to breathe it back down with more cigarette smoke.

“I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened, Gerard. But I’m grateful that you were finally able to find the truth. That what’s right is finally in place.” He looked back to Roberta’s headstone, and sighed quietly. “She’d be proud of you.”

“I need to get Mikey outta this fuckin’ city.” Gerard couldn’t stop watching him. “But-”

Father Toro glanced back at her. “It would be good to have a fresh start. You need a new job anyway, right?”

“I don’t wanna leave you behind, too.” She couldn’t stop herself from saying it, though her muscles went rigid the moment the words left her lips. “I’ve been...I’m fucked up. I know I am, and it’s wrong. But you’ve been the angel on my shoulder since all of this started happening. Before this.”

His eyes lit up a little. “I suppose that’s what all priests want to be, don’t they?”

“But I’m in love with you...is the thing.” Gerard’s voice tapered off, and she stared hard at Roberta’s grave. She tried to inhale as deeply as she could until her lungs burned. “Every time I went to Mass, my heart would flip when you looked at me, and I felt so terrible not telling any of my sins that involved thoughts of you, because it just didn’t feel like sinning. But at the same time, I couldn’t tell you about how I felt at any other point, b-because you’re a priest. You can’t, you couldn’t get married, and why the hell would you ever want to fall in love with a whore? One that also loved another woman, on top of that-”

“Gerard.” Father Toro pressed a warm palm on her back and rubbed slowly. “It’s okay, slow down a little.”

“You don’t have to say it back.” She took another drag. “It’d be a lie if you did.”

“I won’t,” he promised. “But it’s not because of your profession, or who you love. It’s not because of you, at all, I just...have my devotions.” He smiled softly at her. “We’re actually more alike than you think, you know.”

Gerard slid over and closed the distance between them. She snuffed her cigarette out under her heel before leaning gently against him. Their thighs brushed together, and tried to hold back a shiver of curiosity. She knew in the back of her mind to take his words to heart. “I’m sorry,” she exhaled, and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. “You’re so important to me.”

“Am I important?” Father Toro asked carefully, watching her face a little closer. “Or is the version of me in your mind?”

Gerard swallowed. “I've listened to so many of your sermons already, I thought I had your voice down pretty well. I…I just needed you to forgive me in any way I could imagine.” Her fingertips grazed down his jawbone, each prickle of his five o’clock shadow a surge of temptation. Her lips didn’t have much farther to reach, she could easily feel the tickle of his breath against her nose. And, an even greater sign, he wasn’t pulling away. He must have been just as curious as her. “Forgive me, Ray.” A shock surged through her nerves as she dared to use his name. But she was in too deep now, her lashes fluttering shut as she let the gravity of her desire pull her to his lips.

Father Toro pulled away. He was slow to do so, just long enough for Gerard to catch a memory to dwell back on later. “I do forgive you,” he spoke up, brushing his thumb over her cheekbone as he held her face. “You’re going to get your brother out of here and keep him safe. Is that your plan?”

She swallowed. “I don’t wanna leave you,” she muttered. “Even if we could start over, just be friends—”

“We are.” He offered her the rest of his cigarette, and she couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m not trying to say goodbye to you. The apartment you and Roberta were going to flee to isn’t available anymore, but I’ll help you find a new place. Maybe Montclair, or somewhere nicer than this. I like the parish over there, too. Really nice people.”

“I’ll let you help us look if that means spending more time with you.” Gerard blushed as she took the filter to her lips. With a deep inhale, she brushed some remaining grave dirt off her knees. “I’m not taking you away from Father Iero, am I?”

He grinned. “Hardly.”

She laughed with him, and the sun peeked out from the clouds. “I should get back home soon. I promised to make dinner tonight, and Mikey’s shift starts in a few hours.”

Father Toro stood up, and offered her a hand. “Let me walk you home.”

She beamed and held his hand tight.