Work Text:
Adam
My hand was already reaching for the door knob when I heard my iPhone ring. I was about to meet some important people who would help me with my third album. The screen showed Sauli’s name and I knew I just had to take it.
Hey baby, what’s up?
Uhm.. Adam, could we meet?
Right now?
Yes. If that’s okay.
I’m in the middle of something important right now, but I’ll see you later tonight.
No, I’ll see you later tonight. I’ll be the one to go there.
Are you sure? I could buy a ticket to Finland right now.
I’m sure. Take care.
I sat on the nearest leather couch to the door and did business as usual. I listened half-attentively. Don’t get me wrong, they are cool people, and interesting too. But I just can’t get my mind off some things. We had some work done, but it wasn’t the most productive day ever.
I went home waiting for Sauli. I was never a patient person. That was more of his trait than mine. It was around 12 pm when he called. The flight from Finland to La is at least 11 hours long. So that means, he’d be here around 11 pm and it’s just 8 pm. I honestly don’t know what to do now. I tweeted, I doodled, I planned my outfit for tomorrow and even cleaned the whole house. I’m left with nothing. And again, I hate waiting, but I want to be awake when he gets here.
Sauli
It’s almost midnight when I unlocked the door. I put my bags down and sat until I realize Adam was sleeping on the couch. His mouth slightly-opened, something he does when he’s tired. For a few minutes I just stared at him. I watched as his chest rise up and down rhythmically. His breathing slow. And I smile whenever he turns from side to side trying to feel comfortable. I realize how lucky I am to be with him. And how stupid I would be if I let him go.
I woke up with the sound of Adam taking a shower. I don’t even remember how I fell asleep. I was just watching and maybe waiting for him to recognize my arrival, but a big part of me didn’t want to disturb his peaceful sleep. I sat up and tried to rehearse what I’m going to say over and over again. I don’t even know if I can say all of this out loud. And then I heard the water stop. The door opened and he’s only wearing a towel. I walked up to him and hugged him from the behind. He laughed and said “Jeez. Can’t you let me get dressed first?” I pouted jokingly as my instinct told me, but I let him get dressed first and went to the living room.
Adam
Okay, I’m back. Where do you want to have breakfast?
Uh-oh. This is not good. I thought to myself. Sauli only looks at the ground when he’s nervous about something.
What’s wrong?
He breathed for a second.
Adam, we can’t keep pretending we’re okay.
What do you mean?
Please.
I thought we are.
Maybe you thought wrong. How can we be together when we’re not?
But we did it for almost 3 years. Why tell me this just now?
I know you know it. Or at least you felt it along the way. Maybe I’m just the first one to speak about it.
I swallowed hard. Are.. are we breaking up?
He sighed. That was the only answer I needed to hear. I don’t know how I could handle it if I heard yes from his lips.
I looked at him and his head is down again. I kept telling my eyes to not let the tears fall, they don’t listen. I don’t want to cry, but I do. How can something as beautiful as love feel bad? I know he knows I’m crying. And as much as he’s trying himself too, I saw tears rolling down his cheeks to his chin and to the floor.
For minutes, we just stayed like that. Not saying a word. Listening to the tick tock of the clock. Maybe because both of us don’t know what to say. I know there are a lot of things to say, I just can’t get myself to talk.
Sauli
I’m still trying to catch my breathing. And even if I wipe my tears a million times, I know he knows. My sniff broke the silence and I just can’t take this anymore. I had to say something.
I finally looked at him, into his eyes. Those beautiful blue-grey eyes I fell for. And my tears just fell faster. I blinked a few more times before talking.
I’m going back to Finland. Everything I own in here, I’ll leave them. If that’s okay, of course.
He just stared at me and I found myself feeling even more embarrassed… and sorry.
Maybe it’s for the best. He said. He licked his lips and looked at me again. I leaned into him and his lips found mine and we shared what’s probably our last kiss. He pulled back and just stared at me again. That kiss did not wash away the pain at all. It just made it more unbearable to take this.
Adam nodded to himself and said “But we’re still gonna be friends, right?”
I said yes immediately and smiled while I tried to wipe more of my tears.
Can we at least have breakfast together today?
I’d like that. I said. And I meant it.
Adam
We had bagel and coffee and that was that. Today was my day off and I hate that it’s giving me time to think. I don’t want to think already. It’s making me feel more miserable than I already feel. Sauli’s gone and I think I’m gone too. He gave me all of these feelings I can’t even begin describe. He inspired me. Godammmit he changed my life! And now he’s just… gone. I don’t even understand why. I’m not mad at him. Even if I want to, I couldn’t. I just want a reason. Need a reason. Why? I want to blame him for everything, but he’s just literally the greatest guy I’ve ever met. I’m trying to point a finger on myself too, but I just don’t get it. It was perfect. We were perfect. But the thing I hate the most from all of this is that even if I’m feeling broken as fuck right now, myself kept telling me falling for him was worth it.
Dear god, how can I move on when every corner of this house remind me of him? His things are still here and it was as if his presence wasn’t really gone. It’s making me sad. Sad is an understatement. I feel like a part of my soul died. I know it sounds really dramatic, but can you blame me?
Sauli
Few more weeks and it’s on the headlines. There was a point when I don’t even want to be awake anymore. It’s all I think about. He’s all I think about. How can I forget him when his face keeps on invading my thoughts? When I still have this oofta tattoo? When I still torture myself playing back our conversations in my head?
But after all, we’re still friends, right? Maybe that’s something I could hold on to. For now.
Adam
I can’t stay like this forever. I need to go out. To smile at people. To think I’m okay. To be strong. I need to do all of those right now and this can’t wait.
So I did. I went to a club with friends. Dancing with random people. When I went out, the media were already there. I didn’t feel like talking about the break up so I wore a fake nerd glasses instead. Maybe I could pull it off and walk past the paparazzi before they ask me questions. But that would be asking too much. They would eventually push it and I would eventually answer. But right now, I don’t feel like I could.
Everybody’s talking about the break up now. Especially on twitter. And I commented about the glasses. I think that’s a pretty smart move.
Sauli
So there are pictures already. He’s smiling. It’s good that he is. I never want to make him sad. Although I did. I hate myself for that. I just want the best for Adam and I don’t feel that I’m that.
Adam
It was almost a year since I’ve been in Helsinki again. Me and my bandmates had just finished the gig and they wanted to be out. I’m not in the party mood, even if I want to be. Maybe because it still stings? This is where it started. I don’t know what to feel already.
We stopped on a familiar bar and Ashley and Keisha were already walking towards the entrance. Tommy gently tapped my shoulder and I slowly faced him.
Adam, you don’t have to-
But I interrupted before he could finish his sentence. No. It’s fine. No big deal. Even if it actually is.
I sat with Tommy on the same booth we were on 4 years ago. I still remember the butterflies. I know it was way before, but when something reminds me of Sauli, the feelings come back. All of it.
I found myself looking at the same spot where Sauli was seated and where we introduced ourselves to each other. I should stop. But I can’t. Someone else is already seated in that stool, but my vision still says it’s Sauli.
I know we said we’ll remain friends. And we probably are, but we never talked to each other again after that last breakfast. No call, no text, no tweet, no contact, no nothing. And maybe that’s alright. Maybe it’s gonna make it easier to get over with.
I couldn’t stop myself. I had to check. The guy seating on Sauli’s seat wears a denim jacket and had the same blonde mohawk. Slowly, I start to take baby steps toward him. I squinted my eyes to really see and before I know it, he was facing me. Sauli.
I-I didn’t mean to disturb. I just.. uhm.. bye. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know if I was actually expecting him to be there, but one thing I know, I didn’t think this through. I walked faster back to our booth to tell Tommy I’m leaving, but Sauli’s catching up on my pace. Finally, I reached Tommy and mouthed the word help. He said what and then his eyes widened from sudden realization and I just know Sauli’s already behind me. Don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t look. I told myself.
And then he touched my hand.
Adam. Please stay.
I answered okay. My voice barely heard, but for some reason, he did. He held my hand and dragged me to his seat. It was probably just a friendly gesture, but I don’t know.
Sauli
I took a risk and closed my eyes and held his hands. It felt like the first time. But maybe this kind of feeling is the one-sided type. He was the first to let go of my hand, after all.
We were just sitting there. Drinking light drinks because we’re both driving. For minutes no one dared to talk and the people start to leave the bar one by one. Tommy even approached us and said he’ll be waiting outside. And now we’re the only ones inside except for the employees.
How are you? He began.
Fine. I answered.
Okay, see this is the kind of “pretending we’re okay” you were talking about before.
I know. I admitted.
And just like that, we didn’t know what to say again.
You know, I was thinking and I never really understood why so I have to ask. How… how did it even end? How did our love that shined so bright just… He stopped and tried to find the right words. Fade?
And seeing him cry might just be the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen.
For me it never did. And probably never will. I never really left. I never stopped loving you. I was always just right here. Waiting. And that was the truth. Every night I go to this same bar, seat on the same seat, waiting for the same person I met 4 years ago.
Then why?
I felt like I’m giving you nothing. At that time, it felt like I didn’t deserve you. His brows joined together as they usually do when he’s confused and I continued. That’s why I went back to Finland, tried to be “more” and hope that you’ll take me back. I gained more confidence over the past few months, but I was very lonely. Longing for you.
You know I didn’t care about that stuff, Sauli. I didn’t care about how big or how small you are.
But I did. He just stared at the ground trying to process everything I just said. So I put my head down and said: If you don’t want to talk to me ever again, I understand. But I’ll still be waiting. Right now, I’m gonna take a risk again and… ask you to marry me. If you say no, I’ll leave you alone.
It was only 3 minutes but it felt like a year. He looked right into my eyes and said:
Yes.
It caught me by surprise. I really wasn’t expecting that, but I was praying for that. I just looked at him, stunned and did the dumbest thing and ask him “Are you sure?”
I may not understand this still, but I don’t want to postpone joy. This feels right. And when he said it, it actually did feel right.