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Michael flinches when the cold air nip his skin, feeling goose bumps on the back of his neck and down to his arms, he should call his mom. Karen always know what to do, he remembers calling her one night after they moved to London, he cried his eyes out because leaving his home and moved in with his bestfriends in that age was horrifying. He need his mom and his cat, and his new bed creaked when he moved around, he hate the town and the foods. He hated everything and he miss his mother, he was so near to call it quit but when Karen picked her phone and the first word lingered he immediately fall to his knees, his mother’s voice soothed him even there’s a thousand miles away between them. The bed doesn’t made any sound after that night.
The grey smokes curl and slowly fades into the crisp, cold air. He is trying really hard to ignore the pain inside his chest, the fuzzy mind and heavy breath. Michael choose to sit on the swings, sitting alone with an ignited cigarette in between his lips, occasionally inhaling the smokes inside his mouth. He twiddles with the ring in his middle finger--Luke was giving his hard time because “you need to wear it on your ring finger Michael!” but Michael would glanced at him, green eyes fill with annoyance as he look at the head lying on his laps “you never ask me did you?”—he swirls the silver band with the ‘forever’ written underneath them. He remembers the day Luke tossed the box of ring on his laps (more to his plate because Luke was flustered, his cheeks burning and he was about to hit his bedroom door when he ran away), Luke doesn’t do romances, he do one night stands and summer flings but when the emerald box flew from across the room and Calum was laughing when he heard the loud bang from across the hall he can’t help but grinning. He never took it out (unless when doing chores because once he dropped the ring into the sink and Ashton was yelling his throat out ‘its practically your engagement ring you damn it!’ while he searched down the pipe).
Its baffles him how much he loves Luke, the lanky boy is his sun, his moon even his air. The once awkward boy is growing in his skin, almost flawless. Michael cannot fathom how he’s still gawking and practically drooling when he saw Luke at his finest, jumping around the stage with his guitar and singing oh so perfectly without messing any note. He remembers doing the dumb youtube videos in highschool, fighting endlessly while choosing the song to cover and ignoring the chord and notes in every song. He could choose to quit, to stop everything because even though its fun, partying every day and writing songs with some of his idols, his anxiety is still there. He cannot explain how much he hates his life, no words could describes how much he hates everything around him—sometimes he intentionally toss his guitar harshly just so they break before the show, leaving them the choices to cancel everything—Michael scraps the sand with his toes, he realise he’s wearing Luke’s jacket and Cal’s black jean. The only thing he managed to pick before he stormed out of the house was his converse. Michael knows, he’s slowly loosing himself. He had a really big fight with Luke earlier but his heart longs for the warmth and the cologne. He wanted Luke all for himself and he realise, being in this band isn’t going to give Luke to him. Slowly, he fishes his phone from the pocket, sliding all the notification and search for his mom’s number. The line beeps before a soft, sweet voice reach him. Michal frown falters into a big smile, although its pains him to smile now,
“Hi mum—“
***
The door flew open and an angry, tall man storms inside. He pull the duvet of Michael and the latter’s eyes jolted open, “What the fuck—“ He look at the man standing fully on is height, automatically the stings and pains he felt last night comes rushing back, stabbing his chest a few times before he feel numb.
“Michael we need to talk” Luke, rubbing his temple with his thumb and pointer fingers, shutting his eyes closely and if Michael doesn’t know better he might miss the fact that Luke is about to cry.
“What?” The older of the two sit straight, he had a solid three hours of sleep. When he came back last night his heart dropped to the ground, Luke wasn’t there. Luke slept in his room, he never sleep in that room after they moved in when they become a ‘thing’ a couple years ago and when he saw the empty bed he was so close to cry. But he ignored them, tossing all his clothes aside he quickly climbed and tucked himself under the duvet, even without Luke’s warmth he managed to sleep in. Falling into a deep sleep after bending his heart and mind to forget everything. Luke’s eyes are red and so did his nose, tears stains on his blush cheeks and he’s literally shining, Michael feels sick, Luke is suffering but he’s too beautiful, glowing even, under those sad clouds.
“Where were you?” His voice sounds concern. Michael rolls his eyes, the latter standing on his feet and shoves the boy gently, he hears the choke sound from Luke but he ignores them anyway.
“Why’d you care? I was fine, I’m an adult. I fucking know how to take care of myself” He groans, searching for a decent shirt to wear. His eyes fall to the tee shirt on the floor and he’s about to pick it when he realise it Luke’s. He brought the shirt when they were in Bali, immediately he pass the shirt and pick the green one instead. An old smell of cologne and hair gel lingers but Michael slide into it anyway. “Beside you made it clear you was with her. I can’t be in the middle of that” Luke shake his head, ignoring the pain stabbing his chest and grip the older one’s elbow. Turning the smaller boy to him.
“You know it wasn’t real right? Why are we still fighting about this?” Michael look intensely into the blue eyes. Luke reminds him of springs, when the clouds gathers on the sky, moving oh-so-slowly with the wind. And even when the sun strikes its warmth intensely, Michael would rather lied on the grass, facing the bright, blue skies and feel the heat on his skin. The wind occasionally bring the heat too, nipping his face calmly. Michael loves that, he loves experiencing springs in his hometown.
+But this Luke, the crying Luke reminds him of bad times. When the blade slicing his pale skin and the warm blood gushing out of his veins. He remembers how it felt when there are no pale skin on his wrist, everything was red and he felt good because the old scars were gone. Replaced with the red, icky blood for a while.+
“Even if its fake, even if its not real and she’s just using you like a fucking doll for her own shit—It still pain me to see my—“ His lips turn into a straight line. Face tenses in anger. Michael quickly pull his arm off him but only to be grip again by Luke. The blue eyes shines but it hurts Michael to know that they were shining because Luke was crying, Luke stares at him, wondering what will Michael says, what other stupid things will left the cherry stain lips. What other painful thing will he listens to this morning. Luke shake his head, shutting the boy completely and slowly letting him go.
Michael let a small, unintentional scoff left his lips. Michael want Luke to feel what he feels. Michael want Luke to suffer just like he did. “So get the fuck out of my face.”
***
Best friend.
That was Luke said to him when their lips collided for the first time, even if Michael was a year older from him, Luke was always the wiser one. He’s saying stuff that was reasonable and hardly to believe at first. Especially when their lips were moving in the same rhythm with some lana del rey played in the background (Its Mali! Mali made the playlist! As Luke would say) and when their hand lost in each other hair, emitting a very funny throaty sound from both of them and making Michael flustered like crazy, Luke would slowly moving away, intensely look at him while his lips parted (and red with a little puffed which again making him letting a low groan) he would say that Michael is his best friend and it's not weird, because best friend did things like this.
Its weird, Michael knew that but when Luke’s lips were so red and wet he couldn’t help himself, he pulled Luke on the back of his neck and kissed the boy with all his heart. Making sure Luke too was emitting those embarrassing sound between kisses.
The next day Luke was acting normal, playfully punching him during recess and bit his shoulder when no one’s watching. Michael did the same things though, he tried to reach for Luke’s hand one time but Luke jolted forward, his body was shaking and he made himself clear to Michael that holding hands in public was a no-no. Its not what bestfriend did and he doesn’t want Michael to ever did that again. Michael was hurting from his words. He never again attempted to reach for his skin except when they were alone, sitting on his laps while Luke’s hand roaming on his back under his shirt, and low moan lingered inside the small room while their lips moving oh-so-perfectly. He loved it when his lips puffed and red, he loved it when his mother asked and he need to lie because Luke would hate him if Karen knew something happened between them.
And the video recording become fun because after they spend time singing and playing the guitar badly, Luke would held him in his arms, telling some funny stories while their feet entangled between each other and hands draped over their bodies perfectly. They’d whispered some stuff they never wanted anyone to know and slowly drifted to sleep before Karen come and knocked the door.
When they moved to London, Luke spent most nights on Michael's bed. Michael doesn’t care though. He loves the warmth and extra limb around him. The kissing still happened and sometimes its hard to control themselves in front of Calum and Ashton, the need to touch each other skin was too powerful. After one day, when Michael was sitting on Luke’s laps on their shared couch with their lips collided perfectly, they missed the sound from the front door and only detached from each other when Ashton shrieked and bumped into the Maori boy in front of him, he accidently loosen his grips on the hot coffee he bought (the coffee downtown was horrific to say the least but the cashier was cute and Ashton loves small, brunette girl so he always bought their shitty and expensive coffee) and spilled on Calum’s back, making the whole house shaking with Calum’s loud yelling in pain.
Michael had to say, explaining the no attachment kissing to the half of the band was worse because they were too afraid. Calum was afraid of Michael gonna be bad again, he scoffed the younger boy away whenever he saw them getting closer. Always sit in the middle and preventing Luke from touching Michael whenever he could and Ashton just worried they might not using condoms while at it (Michael yelled, they weren’t having sex and Luke just shook his head in annoyance).
Michael was 20 when they give Luke a girlfriend. She’s beautiful, and small. Much, much smaller than Luke. The rumours of Luke sleeping around spread like wildflowers, the girls they slept with starting to send private pictures around and half of their fans starting to relapse and everything was going downhill after that. Everyone started to find some dirts and girls popping out and calling themselves their groupies. Sometimes Michael doesn’t even know half of them but they were having fun being a fake groupies. Bad words were written and passed around, he stumbled into an exposing account about his band, he cries a little when he read the comments under every pictures. He hate the facts that people were interested in their sex life rather than their music.
No one knew that Michael was bisexual that time, except that one time he accidently exposed himself in their twitcam and he swears the whole world crumbles to his feet when the comments getting heater and some fans (who caught him) begin to share the ‘accidently coming out’ status to other fans. Calum give him the side glances and warn him not to lie about stuff like that (pretty sure Calum already knew he's slightly attracted to boys as in Luke but the Maori boy just shrugged it off. He doesn't want to assume until Michael himself said that he is bisexual), people are going to believe him and Michael just shrugged, their fans are going to ignore him anyway. He kept it to himself (beside his family, which led to Karen giggling and said she did heard some funny voices coming from his bedroom whenever Luke came (no pun intended) ) and never talk about his sexuality again. Especially not to Luke, he would stop kissing him if he knew Michael was attracted to boys.
So they started to give Luke a girlfriend. They wanted the news to stop, to make their band relevance again. Luke doesn’t like her, Luke doesn’t like commitments and the girl. Luke like sex and touching another skin without any attachment, like the thing they have now. Until one day Michael caught them kissing on the couch in the dressing room, his hand inside her jeans and her hand tangling his brown locks. Michael’s head were spinning and he ran into the nearest bathroom, he sat on the toilet and stare at the door for about an hour.
He realise now that bestfriend don’t do that, bestfriend don’t spend days kissing and playing with each other skins. He then knew that she was here to stay.
***
She’s here again, Luke had his arms draped over her shoulders. She was playing with her phone, casually taking selfies while the other boys sitting in around the living room with their breakfast on their lap. Michael greets everyone in the room including her and she smile, for the first time someone did took the time to talk to her. Michael just shrugs, walking to the kitchen for his breakfast.
Fucking Calum, he groans when he see his bowl still on the sink among the dirty dishes. Calum had this habit of eating stuff in a bowl instead of a plate like a normal person, and he always use Michael’s whenever its not breakfast—“because I have to use my bowl for breakfast and Ashton doesn’t eat cereals. Luke is a freak who eat his food out of a cup”.
Michael tip toes on his foot, grabbing the new bowl that Calum bought when they were in Canada last year, Calum did said he’d kill anyone whose trying to use his stuff but then he remembers in year 7 they were in a field trip and Calum took his seat next to Amanda which he had the biggest crush on and kiss her on the cheek at the end of the trip, beside Calum used his bowl and left it unwashed so its only fair if Michael use his expensive, rare bowl he bought and never used it ever. The only problem was, Calum deliberately place it on the tallest shelves, he had to stick his arm so far to reach for it. He tries again and this time he finally reach the edge of the bowl and pull it slowly. He is trying really hard to pick the bowl, carefully not letting it slips of his fingers, when a familiar cologne hit him. And a hard chest bump his back with a hand on his waist. Michael eyes are wide and he let a small gasp—Luke was too close for his liking. And he hate the way his heart caves in, beating really fast when their fingers touch.
Michael stop reaching and let Luke do all the work. He’s trap between the counter and Luke. Slowly Luke put the bowl down and wrap his arms around Michael’s body. Thumb rubbing the clothes skin. “I miss you Michael” He whispers, almost inaudible but his lips were too close to his neck. They always hugging and touching but after last night—after the fight—he realise that Luke’s touch burns him, eating his inside harshly.
“No you didn’t, you just miss the attention and the feeling of people wanting you. You didn’t miss me” Michael push the boy slowly, detaching himself from the tall guy and bending his heart to calm the fuck down. He ignores the way Luke slouches, holding himself on the marble counter. “Beside, you’ve made your point. You and me, we’re never good enough” Michael doesn’t know how he manage to say that, maybe the way Luke had approached him first, twice, and in only 3 hours make him a little bit brave.
“I don’t do relationship Michael—I don’t even know if you like boys!” The veins in his neck visible for everyone to see, Michael shake his head, pouring the milk over his cereals. He pick the bowl while maintaining his sight to Luke, eyes fill with sadness and broken soul.
“I kissed and cried because of a fucking boy, pretty sure I have feelings more than friends”
And he leave the dumbfounded Luke, he just outed himself to Luke and honestly he doesn’t regret it at all.
***
He regret it, so fucking much.
He should never told Luke that.
The soft fingers tracing his inner thighs and a sudden grips in both his thighs make him gasps. Michael doesn’t think he could push his head to the plush pillow anymore, his body arches and chest heaving. Luke is in between his legs, drawing his inner demon out with his fingers and tongue. Slowly blessing the smaller boy under him with his lips as the two lips tracing his pale skin. Leaving some messy bruises as he moves down to his legs. Michael couldn’t believe this is happening.
Luke supposed to run, supposed to leave him broken in the darkness of his bedroom. Not creeping inside his room and whispers heavenly words in his ears. Not asking his consents to kiss him with feelings nor touching him sweetly.
He vaguely remembers the words he spoke, only a few ‘im sorry’ and then their lips touch. No one knows how the small pecks suddenly heated, lips moving in synch bruising and hard as they tried really hard to close the gap which felt like infinity, as Luke cradles him off the bed, swooping the boy by wrapping his arm around Michael’s back and pull him of the bed. Pulling the smaller boy into his laps and kiss him endlessly.
But Michael do remembers the soft touches around his ribcage and down to his waist. The pad of his fingers move slowly on his covered body and reach for the end of his shirt, tugging and quickly removed the soft tee shirt off him. And he remembers how Luke nibbles on his collarbone, soft and harsh after a few minutes, nipping gently until the same, embarrassing throaty sound he made when they kissed the first time in his bedroom, surrounding by the portraits of some bands he now doesn’t even remember anymore. The same throaty sound that made Luke crazy and begin to growl and push the smaller boy into the soft bed.
Michael remembers the soft words that left the boy he infatuated with, “I don’t want to hurt you” and something inside him breaks. His heart stop beating for a second because Luke was still unsure of what they were, but his hand and oh, his kisses was enough to make him go crazy. Michael remembers shaking his head and letting Luke knows that he doesn’t fucking care. He’d give his soul to the sun and moon so they let Luke to be his. They let Luke to be with him, he’d give his soul to the god and goddess in heaven so he can keep Luke Hemmings to himself. He remembers soft tears falling from the corner of his eyes and falls to the bed while Luke kiss his throat. And Luke’s long fingers slide from his chest to his hips, and down in between his legs. Making him flustered and exposed, he was lying his feelings and insecurities on the table and he’s so fucking thankful because Luke was accepting, Luke was genuine and he fucking want this even he knows tomorrow gonna be different, tomorrow’s gonna be painful for his body and emotion.
His thought drown on itself as Luke pushed inside him, he was yelling in pain but Luke shut him down by kissing him, fingers brush his cheeks and he kissed the trail of tears on Michael’s face, soothing him with soft words and promises they both know Luke will forget tomorrow. They both collapsed on the bed, chest to chest. Moving in synch as the final wave left them. Michael stare on the ceiling, the same beaming stars pasted on the wall since the first time they moved in are there, scatters messily around the white ceiling. He remembers drowning in tears and the blurry green light fading as the tears filling his eyes.
“I like you a lot Luke—“
A soft sigh emits the younger boy, “—I know”
***
Michael couldn’t help himself, the warm kiss on his chest and hipbones are addicting. The way Luke’s lips curls and lands on his pale skin, leaving some bruises and hickeys as well are fucking heaven and Michael never want to leave that. It’s like they were in highschool again, Luke would creep inside his room and slide inside his duvet. Whispering how beautiful he is and how his skin feel so fucking good around him.
But this time it’s way intimate, they weren’t only sharing kisses but Luke literally inside him. Moving perfectly and kicking him straight to heaven. Sometimes when they finished their show and they’re sweating and full of adrenaline Luke would come and push him on the wall, lifting him effortlessly and buried himself deeply while his hand cupping Michael’s mouth so the blessing traps in hisbeautiful mouth, gasping on the palm on his lips, all Michael wants was for her to hear and for Calum and Ashton to come and gawked again like the first time they caught them kissing.
But the same cycle begin, after the last thrust leaving them weak and breathless Luke would whispers some God words and how beautiful he is, Michael will remind him of how much he like Luke Robert Hemmings. The latter would nodded in agreement and kiss his forehead.
Michael doesn’t want that, Michael want Luke to say it back. Michael want Luke to want him.
But after the show, the adrenaline, the quick fuck Luke would come back to her. Hugging her fondly and kissing her sincerely. Wrapping her petite body and walk to the car and send her home so she can please him too, leaving Michael all alone. Sitting on the couch because the room is killing him slowly, like a noose tightening around his pale neck where Luke used to leave kisses there and cut his breath down.
He end up sleeping with Calum or Ashton and either they both know about him and Luke or not, they still cradles Michael to sleep and wake him up in the middle of the night when his body shaking greatly while crying the name he long for out loud.
Michael know he shouldn’t let Luke know his weakness, but what can he do when the weakness was also his strength.
***
Michael call his mom again, he wanted out. He wanted to stop loving Luke every night just to see him kissing her the next morning, walking hand in hand and stopping for a picture every now and then. Michael remembers one night, as Luke wrapped his body around him. Both bare naked literally and emotionally. He remembers asking the younger one about her and Luke scoot even closer, kissing his face all over again, sloppily landed his perfect lips on the skin of Michael’s face and Michael just carved a big, fucking smile because Luke was giving him the attention he wanted and when Luke slipped the “it’s still fake babe” he couldn’t help but chasing the lips he adores and locked them for a few minutes.
He's fucking in love with the boy he never wanted to let him go.
But the next morning, Luke would leave the bed. Cold and heavy. He’d crawled back to her while Michael lying there staring the ceiling while remembering how much the kiss started to burn his skin.
“Mom—“He cries after the first word, Karen know its about Luke again. She wanted to fly to her boy and cuddles him to bed, caressing him and kiss his forehead again. Michael is sobbing rather too loud, body shaking and Karen still doesn’t said anything. Letting her only son crying, spilling his chest out freely without anybody rudely interrupted him. Michael fall to his bed, face first and his sobbing turn into full cry and it hurts Karen a lot. Karen just ‘ssh’ him and Michael really, really want to come back home right now.
“I wanna stop. I want to come home” And he did just that.
***
Luke’s fingers run into her long hair, kissing the top of her head on his chest while she’s busy with her phone. Scrolling through her feeds and retweeting some stuff about her boyfriend online.
Luke wish the body leaned against his chest is heavier, and the hair was blonde. And the giggle he occasionally hear form her was Michael. He wish he’s with Michael now. He loves the way he could break Michael's wall, whining and crumbling as they rocked together, he loves it when after they both hit their high Michael would tell him how much he likes him, what he would do to go against everyone and snatch him to be his and only his. He loves it, he loves the feeling of how he belong together with Michael.
But he loves his life more, no girls would come to him if they know that he'd been sleeping around with his bandmates, even when everyone knew that he has a so call girlfriend now people still come and wanted him fuck them regardless because their relationship is weird. She thought they were together but Luke would just explained to them that they weren't anything, just like he did with Michael and the reaction were priceless, they'd be thinking that they actualy had the chances with him.
The phone rings and he kiss her head before pushing her gently off him. She obeys and scoots away, still on her phone. Luke open the message (thirty text messages from Calum and twenty from Ashton) demanding him to come home now. He just clears the messages and the one from Hax pull his focus back. He click the text and slowly his eyes widen. “Come now, Michael is leaving the band and I don’t know where he is”
His whole world crumbles to his feet.