Work Text:
The walk back was silent. There were little whispers here and there from the other members but Jax heard none of it. Static had started steadily increasing in his ears since Canie leaving them to their harrowing disappointment and it had slowly nestled neatly into the shape of his ears on the seemingly long walk back the main part of the circus. He couldn't even tell how much time had passed between them leaving and arriving as he felt himself outside of time's waves.
As he walked lifeless, white noise started to slowly coat every surface of his skin as if he was being devoured by it. No thoughts bounced around his mind like usual, only the static pounding against his very brain. What even was going on anymore. Was he even real or had he succumbed to death, to the very thing that was just around the corner for every circus member when they lost their mind. To lost in nothing, he didn't hear that someone was calling his name.
xɒႱ?
J̷̨͎̖̜̻̦̻̥̀a̸̮̭͕̻͈̹̞͈͚̿͂x̴̛̺̑̀!
JAX!!
He jumped and jerked away as he felt a tug on his hand. Eyes hazily roaming around it took him a moment for him to shift his body downward look into mismatched pair of red and blue pinwheel eyes. He stood there just staring at her, brain not catching up with what he was looking at. Ponmi just stood there patiently as if she knew his brain was playing catch up. Sensing that she wanted him to go first, he hoarsely responded,
“What?” Not bothering to put up a facade yet, curious as to where this would go.
As if following a cue from him, she took a moment to study his face, as if trying to search for something on his not normally blank face.
“Why did you press the red button?”
Somewhere in his mind he knew this question would be asked sooner or later, but it still had a way of catching him off guard when directed at him.
“What?” he asked a bit dumbfoundly as if he didn't hear the question asked.
“Why did you press the red button?” She inquired again, staring at him straight at him. He stared quizzically at her face, searching.
He could hear no malice in her voice, find no judgment in her eyes, just a calmness that irked him. She looked at him oh so calm and patient and c̴̙̲̍̓͐͒̒͠ả̴̳̯̻̱̘̹̗̓̑̚ŗ̵̨̛̟̦̤̥̤̿̊͆͛́i̶̞̹̥͙͇͛n̷̜̟͓̳͈̘̑̄̀̆̋̕͝g̸̝̳̘̹̝̳̤̬̬͈̑̓͊͋̊͛͘̕ and he twitched.
Why?
“Huh, why do you care so much?”
“Because I want to remember what you say right now,”
A slam to the chest and deja vue that was oh so painful. How was he supposed to answer that? How could he spill his guts when he didn't even know how to spill them in the first place. How could he voice the utterly damning sentence. Something that surely none of them felt.
That he didn't want to leave.
He had nothing left out in the real world. There was nothing left out there for him. He'd lost it all in here.
It was down in the cellar dying.
Losing its mind.
Just like he was now.
This was his escapism.
His freedom.
His ticket away from hell!
However much he hated the circus and loathed everyone here, this place offered refuge. An escape away from all the hardships life had to offer.
He didn't want to lose it.
He couldn't bear to lose it.
God, he really did never grow up from that dumb child he was all those years ago.
And how could they expect him to walk away, just move on and seemingly forget this place and all the memories he bore tattooed to his brain. Things and experiences that have changed him. Acting as if none of them ever happened. They were always mad at him for running and yet now they expect him to run away from his sins, all his wrong doings, all he's done. He's always ran away from everything in his life and yet now he felt this need to stay. To stay and receive retribution for existing. He couldn't just answer this straight forward. Baring his insides for everyone to see. Ripping himself open for judgment. He loathed being vulnerable and showing his true emotions and this situation. This question was no different.
He grinned.
“Because why not!”
“You're lying,”
A stare down.
She narrowed her eyes at him as she had caught his hand in the cookie jar but instead it was him slinking behind the mask to hide.
He narrowed them right back.
“So what if I'm lying.” he tilted his head, grin ever growing, “It doesn't matter anyway, it's done, it's over with, now all that's left to do is pick up the pieces and move on. Go back to how the things were before,”
Coming from someone else this would have inspired hope and confidence that even though through failure there's still a way forward. Coming from Jax however it left a sour taste permeating the air. It was a plea, a cry to leave me alone, to stop looking, there's no point.
“Anyway I’m going to my room for the very well deserved and earned napped!” He took on a leisurely stance and started walking in the direction of the hallway that led to his room.
Only to be yanked backed by a surprisingly strong grip on his arm. He turned his head and looked down to see a gloved hand holding steady to his wrist now, having slid down in the motion to pull him back.
She looked as surprised as he did as if not expecting him to actually stop. She floundered for a moment, not sure what more to say to get him to stay and talk. His grin grew catching her moment of weakness and opened his mouth as if to say something, but was cut off before he could speak and GODDAMNIT why did she choose now to open her stupid mouth?
“Pomni’s right, you know?” said a hesitant voice. “We-we do deserve to know why you pressed the red button. Even if it was all an adventure at the end of the day, if it ended up being real you would have trapped us all here. We should get to know why.”
He jerked up going ramrod straight as he turned to glare over in the direction of the perpetrator's voice. He could not deal with this right now. Eyes going to a pinprick, grin turning to anger. He felt static that had been humming in the back of his mind turn high into a crescendo. He took a step in her direction, seemingly forgetting the hand held onto his wrist.
“Oh don't you dare even say a word,” he lashed out, steps becoming big and brash.
“As if Ms.Rag doll here really wants to return to her lovely little perfect life.” He now stood above her as he stabbed his finger into her chest.
“I'm sure you're just oh so excited to get home to all the people that love and cherish you!
Oh wait,” he said, grin growing bigger and eyes going crazed.
“You're not loved at all.”
As the hammer hit the nail straight in the rag doll, Ragtha stepped back as if she had been physically slapped, tears welling in her eyes.
He turned around, the static growing ever larger, pressing down on his chest like a weight that could not be lifted. Pomni, having let go of him when he reached Ragtha, watched as he spun around to face the other members.
“Why would any of you want to leave? Mismatched parts over there hates themselves and their body in the real world is no better than here.”
He turned to face Gangle.
“Ribbons over there can’t even fulfill her dreams and will be stuck in a dead end job forever, likely never being liked or respected by anybody.”
Gangle, upon being mentioned, cowered further behind Zooble as they stood up straighter and glared, looking like they were prepared to strike at Jax.
“And last but not least, let's not forget Ms.accountant over here,” he said leaning in towards Pomni's face,
“Whose only joy in life is cheap thrills in haunted, abandoned buildings while she slaves away to a company and to people that probably doesn't even remember she's gone.”
In his peripheral vision he saw Kinger shuffle his hands and went in for the kill, eyes scrambling.
As soon as the others saw his vision go towards Kinger, voices overlapped as they tried to stop the incoming bomb.
“Jax please don't-,”
“Jax I swear to god if you-,”
“And lets not forgot, there's poor old Kinger who so crazy and lost that there's probably nobody left in the real world who actually cares for him-,”
SMACK
The sound reverberated through the air, silencing the circus if all noise had been shut off in favor of letting all hear the hand meeting face.
S̴̢͓̟̬̈́͛͛̌Ć̵̺͉̺̦̓͐̑̈́̓̐͆̽̑ͅŘ̵̖͔͕̻̭͉̣͔͕̆̆̊̅͋̄͑̚͜E̷̫͓̫͎̦͓̬̓̽E̵̤͇̪̥͕̚Ĉ̸̢͉̞͍̱͕̺̭̗̇̑͐͜H̶̯̹̝̰͊̽̀H̷̨̬̤̰͛̿̏̀̏̈́̇͌̑͝ͅH̷̢̘̊̈́H̶̨̛̥̣̗̬̾̍̐̾́̓
Sharp stinging stuck to his face as his hand automatically went to touch his cheek and nose. He stared dumbfounded at his hand as spots of blood stained his bright yellow gloves. As Pomni stood there, chest heaving, only half his height, a quiet anger stood blazing in her eyes. He looked down at her as she leaned forward and grabbed him by the overalls, bringing him further down to her height. She stared him down, no word coming from either of them for a brief moment as if the world had frozen over and left them to just exist.
Nothing came to his mind anyway as she stared, no jokes or quips. Just him leaning down catching his breath as he was shocked out of his crazed state. She just kept staring an unyielding look into his eyes and what frankly felt like his soul, as if God themself had come down to judge him for all his sins.
And the words she spoke next froze him further to the spot.
“I know you don't mean it.”
What?!
The confusion must have shown on his face, because she continued.
“Say all the means you want, spout all the b%$!#%$t you want, but I know you don't mean a single word. I can see through all the lies, Jax, all the jokes, all the laughs. Hide all you want, continue to be a coward and hide behind that mask, but know that I'll always see through you.”
He stared. And stared.
She gave him one last undecipherable look, let go of his overalls
and
turned away.
Facing the other shocked members, she addressed them quietly and yet it felt loud enough for all to hear.
“Its been a tough couple of hours and we are all probably very worn out.” Taking a moment to fidget with her hands and steady herself, she continued on.
“We do need to talk about all that's happened today but not right now. I think it's best if we all get some rest. We could all head to our rooms to take some alone time or if everyone is down for it and if Kingers ok with it..” she trailed offed and paused to look over at Kinger who had in the short time while things had unfolded, had shuffled over to be near Ragtha.
Hesitantly, as if she was shy about asking for such a favor from the chess piece, she continued her thought,
“We can meet up at Kinger’s fort and attempt to chill in there.” Pomni then turned to look at Ragtha who was staring down at her hands that were held close to her chest and picking at the threads along her fingers.
“Ragtha, you have tea and cookies you can bring, right?” Rathga startled, looked up at being addressed and sniffled shakily.
She nodded and replied, “Oh-uh yes I-I should have enough for everyone…” Trailing off she looked to Kinger and hesitantly said his name, hoping to get him to answer the first question Pomni asked.
Kinger looking up at Pomni, joyful as ever cheerily said, “That sounds lovely! It has been a while since I've had company!”
Turning back to Ragtha, he replied “I’ll help you get the supplies sweety!”
Ponim nodded gratefully at them both and turned to go to her own room to seemingly go grab something.
As everyone went and dispersed to go and get ready for the impromptu hang out, Jax stood there dumbfounded.
Drip
Drip
Drip
What in the everloving f%$!# just happened?