Chapter Text
I just heard you found the one you’ve been looking
You’ve been looking for
I wish I would have known that wasn’t me
Cause even after all this time I still
Wonder Why I can’t move on
Just the way you did so easily
Memories. And pain. That’s all he left. I thought Florence was going to make it all right. I thought giving him a second chance was enough. After everything that’s happened between him and Will, I thought it was enough to wake him up from his obsession. But who was I to tell him anyway? There was never an “us”. I was just someone he would go to whenever he needed someone to talk to. Someone to hold when he gets cold. I never told him because I thought there wasn’t a need to because I thought there will never be another that will be as accepting of him as I am. But he knew.. I thought I was enough to make him realize the he was a mistake. I thought he was ready to let it all go when we boarded the plane. Because he told me. He told me he was sorry he didn’t listen to me when I told him to keep his distance. And when he came to my house that night with blood on his hands and tears in his eyes, I swore I saw the hurt in his eyes, the same pain I felt when he left me for Will.
So I forgave.
I forgave him with all my heart..or what’s left of it. It wasn’t easy at all. Hell no.
It hurts so bad to see him still wondering about Will. It was so insensitive of him to still talk about him as we eat our dinner. When we lay in bed I can’t help wonder if he’s still in his mind. It kept me awake. And when we made love, I don’t know if he sees Will instead of me. It hurts me so because I wasn’t sure if he really does feel something for me. Or was I just a ticket to Florence…
I was a fool to ever trust him again.
The day he came home beaten up was the day he broke the very last piece of my heart. I knew it. He has drawn them to where they are. He wanted Will to be closer once again. And it was his choice. I wanted to cry to him, beat his already bleeding body and pour all the pain I’ve been suppressing to make him feel all the pain he’s caused me.
But no. I had to stop myself from falling to my knees and cry. He can’t see me weak.. I’ll make it appear that I wasn’t affected at all. I fixed him…even it was so hard. I didn’t want to, but I had to stitch once again his brokenness. I wanted to leave him broken like that to make him realize what his madness had cost him. But no. I’ll mend him..and after this, I’ll leave him be. I’ll let him go for the last time.
Don’t wanna know……
If he’s holding onto you so tight
The way I did before
I overdosed
Should’ve known your love was a game
Now I can’t get you out of my brain
Oh it’s such a shame
Now it’s been a year since I left our house that day. It’s been a long time but the pain is still there. Even after all this time, even if I’ve found someone new who’s actually there to accept me and my past and still love me even if it means waiting.
James..
I met him here in France years before in a convention..A very good friend and colleague. He’s always been there for me even before. I never gave him a chance but he’s always there to help me when I need one. He’s a good man..so I gave it a try. But no matter how much I try, I just can’t give something that’s broken. But he understands..he told me he doesn’t care about me loving him back..he understands that I simply cannot give what I do not have. He knows about Hannibal..and how I gave my all to him and still hurt me. He cares for me more than anything and accepts how I can never be his’ entirely.
We’re together and we enjoy each other’s company..even if it’s like that. But what’s important is we care about each other.
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After months of searching, I finally found her. I’ve almost circled the whole Paris finding her. I knew she’d be here. She talked about it often before and told me we’d go together..to walk every street and enjoy the beauty of each surroundings.
But that’s all mere dreams now, as I watch her in another man’s arms, laughing and talking. Holding her tight as they walk down the street. That smile. I almost don’t remember the last time I saw her smile like that. It must’ve been so hard for her to be happy when she was with me.
I can’t blame her. All I did was give her pain. I took advantage of her and repaid her kindness with betrayal. Twice. I was a fool. I am a fool to not realize she was enough. Now I’m left with nothing but regret that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It was too late when I realized my feelings for her. The moment she left our house in Florence was the moment I felt my heart broke. I thought a broken heart cannot be broken again. And it’s true..because she fixed it without me realizing and I only knew the moment she stepped out of the door. I was so occupied with thoughts of Will but she was there by my side.
That mistake of drawing them to Florence had cost me everything and Bedelia.
All I wanted was to make the last move in the chase. To end it all by ending them. But there was Will and I was blinded again.. I got beaten hard and he was there watching..It’s clearer then that he was a mistake just like what she thought of him. Seeing him there watching me suffer from the beatings did hurt me but not as much as before. I knew then he was not worth it.
I just hope you're lying next to somebody
Who knows how to love you like me
There must be a good reason that you're gone
Every now and then I think you
Might want me to come show up at your door
But I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong
And now I’m following her and her man on their way to her house. There’s nothing more miserable than watching the woman you care for deeply in another man’s embrace.
I been doing this for a couple of weeks now. I even rented the house just beside her to be close to her. But it only hurts me to see through her window and watch them like a happily married couple. We were once like that. Attending parties, drinking wine and playing the piano together and making love on it after. It would have been completely wonderful if not for the times my thought of Will breaks our happy moments.
As they lay now in bed holding each other I can’t help but think if she’s really happy. I know she loved me but I’m not sure anymore.. Maybe she’s moved on already…