Chapter Text
For there to be a snowball effect, there must be an initial first action. You’d pick up a handful of snow, pat it together tightly, then roll it down the hill to watch it grow and grow. This can be a good thing or a tragic thing. It can be something like investing money and watching it double or it can be like watching a false rumor spread to more and more people. This case? It's a mix of both, something that is horrifying and something that is new.
Sasaki Hitomi honestly and truly did not know where she was going with this initially. Well, she did, but she never expected the snowball to take a sharp turn.
It was simple, she had to study for a specific topic and project. She currently is in a class regarding social and cultural studies, something that has always caught her interest. There's a few things about it that fascinated her. Of course, there was the idea of how people worked, how a community is a community, how people can be influenced… though, there was a bigger but quieter part of her that had a different motive regarding the topic.
High school was an experience. A small part of her deeply hated it, seethed even at the thought of it. She didn't mind the work, hell, a lot of the time she enjoyed the various topics, study, and the prideful feeling she carried for doing so well academically. What she wasn't proud about was him.
She wanted to understand why wolfish eyes locked onto her, why wolfish claws and teeth preyed on her. Why was it so… common. Why in a world of fantasy, Little Red gets away and in the real world, she gets devoured. She wanted to find a hint, a small… anything that could give her any sense of closure or understanding.
It led her down an odd rabbit hole, reading various books and stories that aligned with her own story. It was an odd hobby to pick up, but it felt familiar, it felt comforting to put herself in the position of the poor victim in those books who suffered her same fate. It also wanted her to attempt to get an idea of the predator, yet, she never found it properly yet. She still doesn't grasp why these wolves roam, both in story and in the real world. Her stories and her real world, she feels surrounded.
Though, there was one other thing that seemed to strike her in the heart. Originally, she didn't care to think about it too much, something that didn't really affect her in a deep sense until she was in front of it. Gender.
Gender was a social construct, simply looking through history and cultural differences made that obvious in itself without having to break it down. It was a topic that vaguely interested her to some degree, more so in the patriarchy and political roles sense, but she never had the idea to apply the topic to herself… Until she did and the snowball suddenly doubled in size.
It was strange to think about. She knew she was mostly comfortable in her body for the most part, despite the physical trauma, she still was fine. Though… until it was acknowledged, there was something there. Something else? Something missing? No… just, something. Something was off. Something was different? Something.
It became a downward spiral, a storm even. She didn't want to think about it, but once it was acknowledged, it couldn't be ignored. A scratch that became an infected wound and it almost terrified her.
That's where she is now, in an odd space with herself. She didn't want to acknowledge it, she was busy. She has work to do, college degrees don't earn themselves after all!
Hitomi usually finds comfort at the campus library, a beautiful and large library with minimal background noise. It wasn't entirely quiet and yet never noisy. The sounds of the occasional individual walking, someone typing anyway, incredibly soft chatter, it was comforting. A simple ambience she enjoyed in the background.
She has her laptop open and a notebook to the side, currently browsing through different recommended sources for their current topic. Her pen tapped against her lip as she reread a paragraph, soaking in the key words and important details before writing them down in her notebook.
She heard footsteps heading her direction, without needing to look up she already knew who the pair was. Hitomi had planned to study with two other people, a couple of people who she became incredibly close with over the time of her stay here. It was… kinda strange and yet incredibly fitting.
She heard the pair sit down in their seats before she looked up, her gaze softening just for a moment, a blink and you'd miss it, before she straightened her posture.
Ken was carrying two cups of coffee from the nearby café, putting one down in front of Hitomi before putting his down next to an iced tea, which belonged to Kazutoshi. They both looked pretty exhausted. Hard not to be during the nearing of finals.
“Thank you, Ken.” Hitomi smiled, only now feeling the strain under her eyes from staring at the screen.
“Politely, you look like shit.” Kazutoshi bluntly stated, however, his words held no true malice or power to them. He always spoke with a foul tongue but it was only to a very select few where he'd carry no venom.
“Rude,” Ken quickly playfully scolded before Hitomi could open her mouth to reply. He turned back to her, his expression dropping to more worry, “He isn't… entirely wrong, though. You look exhausted.” Ken treaded carefully.
Hitomi hummed to herself for a moment, taking a sip of the coffee and she had to bite back from making a noise of relief. The coffee tasted downright heavenly right now.
Setting her drink down, she leaned back against her chair with a quiet groan. “I'm tired, but finals are coming around and I can't risk falling behind. I don't have enough time as it is to balance studying, homework, and my extra duties as it is.”
It was something everyone understood unfortunately, but something about her reply might've been the wrong one because Kazutoshi made a loud scoff, rolling his eyes.
“You two are the biggest fucking hypocrites I have ever had the pleasure-displeasure of meeting.” His tone was light-hearted for the most part but it still had enough weight to catch the other two off guard. Ken and Hitomi exchanged glances before they both opened their mouths to defend themselves but the shorter boy held his hand up, shutting them both up.
“If I'm too tired, you tell me to go rest. If I'm overworking myself, you two tell me to take a break. If I'm overwhelmed, you two get on my ass about it;” he narrowed his eyes, challenging, “tell me why it's any different when it comes to you two being stupid and overworking yourselves compared to me. Answer carefully.”
There was a beat of silence. Kazutoshi leaned back on his chair, eyebrow raised and arms crossed, finger tapping his arm. Hitomi dipped her head in defeat, Ken sighed, and Kazutoshi laughed out before being shushed by some passerby in the library. In his usual fashion, he flipped them off.
“Here's the deal, we can study here for an hour, then we go to my place to take a break, have good ass food, and chill. No arguing.” He huffed out. Hitomi wanted to argue but was immediately shut down by a glare.
“Hitomi, all due respect, you genuinely look like you're going to crash any moment. What was it you told me before? You'll fry your brain before the test or something? Render it useless? You need at least a night of real rest.”
Hitomi bit her lip, looking down. Shit. He was right and it sucked that he was right. She let out a dramatic groan.
“Fine. Fine! Okay. Only if Ken is coming along. Something tells me he's no better off.” Ken gave her a look of absolute betrayal. She gave a shit-eating grin back.
“Deal. You two are stuck with me for the night.” His expression made it clear he wasn't accepting any room for argument. It was a done deal.
“You two are terribly awful people,” Ken half-heartedly complained before opening a book, though he was clearly struggling to hide a smile. It would be hard to say she wasn't trying to hide her own.
… The next hour seemed to come and go without a moment's notice. The three of them were quietly discussing something in regards to Ken’s class, breaking down a problem regarding biology. Then a quiet vibration from Kazutoshi’s phone went off, catching the other two off guard. Again.
“Well, look at that.” He hummed, looking up at the other two.
“Yup. Got the message.” Hitomi sighed before packing up her items, putting them carefully into her bag. Kazutoshi stood up, stretching his arms over his head with a satisfied hum.
“Let's get something to eat, I'm fucking starving.”
Ken hummed in agreement, moving to help stack extra papers and putting them away in his own bag and handing a couple of them to Hitmoi. As she grabbed one, her eyes widened before leaning back with a quiet groan.
“I have to turn this in tonight…” she grumbled, looking up from her spot.
“That’s your calc, yeah? We’d pass that class on the way to the cafe, why not just drop it off then?” Ken suggested.
“Seems easy enough. Theennn we can relax.” Kazutoshi reinforced, getting a tired thumbs up from the last one sitting.
“Loud and clear, boss” she teased, earning an eyeroll from the shortest of the trio.
“Yeah yeah, let’s move.”
-
It took no more than a few minutes for them to get the calculus door through one of the many long hallways of the college. Hitomi muttered under her breath as she reached into her bag for the papers she needed to put on the desk. The other two would wait outside as she opened the door, walking in, and closing it behind her.
To her surprise, the teacher was still here, clearly focused on the papers on his desk. Sasaki inhaled sharply, a subtle shiver whipping through her back. He looked up from his spot, blinking before humming with a smile.
“Miss Sasaki, good afternoon. What brings you here?” His voice always felt weary to her, but now they were alone in a closed room, it felt dangerous. Haunting even.
She knew what this was, she wasn’t stupid. PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, something she and the other two have spoken about various times before. It’s an irrational thing really. She knew she had this habit, overthinking and shaking when she would dare be alone around an older man of authority. Horrified at the idea of being caught off guard, of their power imbalance being exploited.
When an animal gets caught, yet doesn’t get killed, it shakes. It violently shakes and it learns. It learns to be more careful, it learns to avoid that spot, that situation. It becomes more keen on surviving and it makes sure to avoid that same mistake. Right now? Sasaki feels like an antelope that barely escaped a cheetah and is now walking right back into that cheetah’s territory.
“I have an assignment to turn in, just here to drop it off.” She was being careful with her words, attempting to avoid any breaks or fear. She wasn’t bad at acting, she knew that. Yet, her hands still lightly would shake. Sasaki internally cursed at herself.
“Oh? Well, go on ahead and place them here,” he patted an empty spot on his desk, “I’ll take a look. Thank you.” He hummed. She nodded and walked up, placing the papers down on the desk. He glanced at the papers before locking eyes with her. She froze.
“You don’t look too well, Sasaki. Is everything okay?” She cringed at the question. She couldn’t read his expression well enough to see if it was a genuine question or there was some underlying motive. She knows more than enough that not every man with authority is out to get her, but alarms screamed in her head, she suddenly was terrified, she dared to not let it show.
“I’m just fine, tired is all. No need for concern, thank you.” It came out a little harsher than she would have liked, but she didn’t really care all too much. It was a quiet warning for him.
She knows she’s killed before. She remembers it too well. It was a shameful shameful memory, but a memory that stuck to her nonetheless… and any moment like this? It’s the loudest one.
She’s not a wolf, she never was a wolf… but sometimes, she swears she could feel claws and teeth itching to scratch, to bite. Sasaki quickly glances back to the door. Kazutoshi and Ken… she’s safe. She should be safe. If she stays in here for too long, they’d look in and get suspicious.
Ken’s case especially was… different. If there was anyone from the killing game that proved themself to be dangerous, it was him and everyone knew it. Hitomi knew that and it was part of the reason why she got so close to him in the first place. Sure… her case was different, but she still killed someone with intent to kill, even if it was because she snapped under exhaustion.
Hitomi, Okazaki, and Ken. The three of session one who didn’t kill by pure accident. Others have attempted to separate her case from the other two, but that sense of guilt, shame, and lingering exhaustion didn’t allow herself to make that wall. Okazaki though… They don’t talk about her.
Most students from the games avoided the three, rightfully so, but Kazutoshi wasn’t most people. Hell, he’s spoken with Okazaki before too, which surely pissed off Ken. She isn’t stupid, she’s seen how people talk to him about his circle choices, but he always spat back. Something underlying tells her that he knows he’s protected and safe regardless so he isn’t afraid, and right now? She feels the same with them both. Makes them one weird ass outcasted pack.
“No need to get so defensive, Sasaki,” he spoke too smoothly for her liking. He got up, standing a little over her, peering down in a way that made her hands shake. They were shaking like seconds before Isono’s final moments, “I’m just concerned is all.”
“No need to be, thanks. I’ll be going now, I have a meeting with another teacher here.” A lie through the teeth but it felt so easy to lie when she was desperate. Sasaki hated how it made her stomach turn, but she wanted out more. She fucking hates how horrified she always feels when the intrusive thoughts made its ugly face clear. She turned away to start walking out,
“Sasaki, wait.” The alarms are now the loudest choir to ever have the displeasure to sing.
Before anyone else could speak, the door opened, Ken peaking his head in, “Is everything okay?”
Hitomi looked at him with alarm before she physically relaxed, unaware of how tense she really was. It was obvious enough to earn a look of question from the taller boy.
“Yes! Don’t worry, I’m coming,” she spoke almost a little too quickly.
“R-right.” He muttered, concerned before she walked past him. His head whipped over to the teacher, giving a glare before closing the door, leaving him grimacing on the desk.
“Fuck.” Hitomi placed her head in her hands, a low groan coming from her.
“What the hell was that?” Ken was showing his concern, “He didn’t say or do something, did he?” Now his words carried an edge to him, dangerous but still worried nonetheless. Kazutoshi urged them both to start walking, he too seemed concerned and glared back at the door as they walked off.
“I-I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I got worked up over nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“Sounds like bullshit to me.” Kazutoshi’s tone was… concerned but almost harsh. Hitomi looked back at him before wincing.
“Can we talk about it later, not in public. Please.” She spoke low, verklempt.
“...Okay. Let’s get food first though. Still hungry as hell.”
Hitomi glanced back up at Ken, he gave her a reassuring smile. She smiled back before focusing ahead. Her hands were still shaking.
-
“Holy shit I need to lay down.” Kazutoshi dramatically announced after the three of them walked into his dorm, flopping down onto the couch. Ken was able to help get him his own place, money is sure a powerful thing around here.
She took a long sip from the second cup of coffee she had today, this time being iced and more sweet, a treat for dealing with that bullshit. Ken placed down the leftover food from the cafe on the table alongside his drink, making sure to lock the door behind him. Always a request from the electric blue hair boy.
Hitomi sat down at the end of the couch, placing her own drink on the coffee table, which was just a habit at this point to sit down here by default. Shit, she still felt kind of out of it. Stupid stupid.
“Can I touch you?” She looked over at the other boy on the couch, who was now sitting up closer to her. His expression had softened greatly, something that was only reserved for a very small handful of people… mainly for her and Ken for how much they hang out together. He seemed to be careful, not pity but understanding.
“Yeah?” She questioned before he muttered a ‘sweet’ and laid his head down on her lap, grabbing her hand and placing it in his hair. She smiled and rolled her eyes, running her fingers through his hair. Another routine they picked up. This time, only she and Ken were ever to get this close to Kazutoshi… She always understood why he and Ken were always so close. They’re dating. However, she never understood that well for herself, guess she was around more than enough… and she never dared to question it that much. She cares for these two too much, they’re her best friends. It doesn’t matter.
Hitomi looked back at Ken who was just looking at them with a soft gaze, he coughed and looked back after being caught.
“Sit or I’ll sick ‘Toshi on you.”
“Shut the hell up.”
Ken gave a breathy laugh, “Okay.”
Ken made sure everything was properly set on the table, an anxious habit to assure nothing would fall off, even if it seems irrational, then he walked to the duo. Kazutoshi moved his legs to let Ken sit then he put them on his lap. The taller duo were now officially trapped on the couch… not that there was much of a reason to move.
The ‘ultimate crime scene cleaner’ had his eyes closed, comfortable in his position. He reminded Hitomi of a cat; always so willing to spit, hiss, and bite anyone but with his closest circles, he loved getting attention. On some level, she completely understood.
Ken started casting something to the TV, however, she was too tired to really focus. She already knew it was some crime documentary they’ve all watched together various times, so the familiar background noise was comforting.
It was so easy to let go here, closing her eyes and sighing deeply, finding comfort in the surroundings… Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be enough.
“Your hands are shaking.” Kazutoshi opened one eye, looking up at her. She hesitated. “Want to talk about it at all?” He offered, his voice so quiet. It was almost odd to hear it from the loudmouth Kamimira Kazutoshi of all people. Almost. She’s heard it enough.
“ … Again, I think I was overreacting. I started thinking and couldn’t stop.” She almost winced at how quiet she sounded, resuming playing with the boy’s hair. He hummed.
“D-doesn’t mean your feelings weren't real though,” Ken started, seemingly hesitating between words, thinking on how to phrase, “You still felt something. Something made you feel i-in danger, right?” Hitomi bit her lip, looking away.
She just nodded. The other two had gone silent, waiting. She chewed on her inner lip, eyes darting around the door, thinking.
“... I think it was just because I was alone with him,” she started slow, careful, “I know not everyone is out to get me. I know that every teacher, every man with authority isn’t a threat but-” she bit her lip, her chest tightening. Shit. This was harder than she wanted it to be.
“Yeah?” Kazutoshi reached for the hand in his hair, pulled it closer to his chest to simply hold. It was grounding, she smiled gratefully to him before looking over at Ken. He was patient, waiting. She inhaled sharply before exhaling slowly.
“I’m scared of being groomed again. I guess. I’m scared that somehow, I’m going to foolishly trust another teacher and get hurt. Every single time I’m alone with him or some man, hell, anyone with authority, it scares me. It’s stupid, it’s irrational.” She felt her hand be gently squeezed, his thumb running over the top of her hand. For a moment, he pulled his hand away before moving it under hers, now interlocking fingers. She squeezed his hand.
“He was talking too sweetly,” she started again, now giving a weary look to Ken, he was the one who looked in the room, maybe he sensed it too, “he kept asking how I was doing. I… I told him I had a meeting to get to. He told me to wait. Ken then opened the door.” It was now suddenly quiet between the three besides the TV.
Ken nodded, exhaling to break the silence, “Obviously neither of us were there but I get where you’re coming from with him specifically, next time we can go in with you?” He suggested. Ah, always the overprotective type.
“I second that, he sounds like a fuckin’ weirdo anyways.” Kazutoshi huffed.
“I don’t need bodyguards.” She deadpanned but then softened, looking away, “... but I appreciate it. I’ll keep that in mind. It’s just, I feel so stupid? Weak? I don’t know. I hate that I don’t know. I know it’s a natural reaction of survival after everything, between getting messed up by a pedophile to killing and dying and coming back to life from the killing game. I don’t know.” She closed her eyes, focusing on the texture of the hands. Damn, his hands were really soft. It made sense considering all things.
Everything was a lot. Way too much for everyone. Everyone changed, for the better or for the worse after the game and its subgames that worked on tearing everyone open and exposed. She hated the fact it was haunting, always will be.
“I’ve said it a million times before and I’ll say it a million times more, to both of you, the killing game brought the worst of everyone. I know for a fact that you, and Ken, dwell on your own actions. Fucked up yeah, but neither of you would have done it out here, the game was made for that purpose,” Kazutoshi started, getting up, sitting firmly in between the two, his pacing with words were slower but tough, stern. He was serious,
“Dying fucked all of us up. We all died in shitty, painful, forever traumatizing ways,” he turned to Hitomi, now grabbing both of her hands, “You’re too hard on yourself. You both suck with that actually and that’s coming from me!” He raised his voice, shooting a glare back at Ken who looked down.
He focused back to Hitomi, softening, “You’ve heard this before, it’s cliche to say but it’s cliche for a reason. You were a kid, it’s not your fault when that teacher found you as easy flesh to bite. Y’know how we learn our strongest traits as kids, yeah? You learn something as a kid and it sticks. Why would it be any different here?” He squeezed her hands and she bowed her head,
“Yeah,” was all she really could say, her voice breaking. Her shoulders were now tight, trembling.
“Can we hold you?” Ken asked quietly. She nodded, fighting tears.
She found herself now crying into ‘Toshi's shoulder, Ken had moved behind her where she was leaning into him, arms around her. Her hands were still being held, Ken’s hands rubbing her back and holding her. It was warm, but this still sucked.
Crying was something she always avoided but it was begging for her to be let out. Emotions, rude emotions that clawed at her entire being. Shit, she was still ignoring another factor of her stress, her own identity. She hated not knowing things about herself. She hated that whenever there was something about herself she didn’t understand, it scared her.
Gender was a complicated topic, always has been. A social construct that glared down at her and being in a world that treated it like a strange entity, it frustrated her… yet another unknown that dared to compliment the frustrations of gender was relationships. She cringed at herself to think of it, not now. Later.
At some point, the ebony-haired calmed down, breathing slower but each inhale was still broken and shaky. Neither of the boys moved away, only just to be more comfortable but still offered grounding and comfort. Guess they are her weird ass pack. She’s grateful.
“... Thank you. I feel so gross,” She giggled, now fully leaning into Ken’s arms, loosening her grip on Kazutoshi’s hands.
“I always like to take a shower after a long breakdown,” the shorter of the three started, his tone a lot lighter, “I’ve stolen plenty of Ken’s clothes and I have something you can borrow.”
“... Am I ever going to get them back?” Ken asked, earning a loud obnoxious laugh,
“Hell no. They’re comfortable.”
This got a giggle out of Hitomi.
“You two are so… Yeah. I’ll take up on that.” Another shaky exhale, “That sounds good.”
“Sweet. I have an extra wash rag under the sink, it’s unused.” He hummed. Hitomi freed herself from their hold, getting up, and nodding.
“Thank you.”
-
After the shower, she looked at herself through the mirror, narrowing her eyes. Something definitely felt… Different? Something felt odd. She raised her hand to her cheek, blinking.
There was nothing to say, nothing to really see. There was something off, but not entirely wrong. Something off was the only thing she could think of. She stepped back from the mirror, sighing.
Despite the creeping exhaustion, she focused on making sure her hair was at most damp and brushed thoroughly well. She got herself dressed, wearing one of Ken’s shirts and Kazutoshi’s sweatpants. The shirt was a bit too big on her, it had an earthy brown color, warm off-white patterns complimenting it. It almost felt like a dad shirt. The thought of Ken in those tacky ass shirts made her snicker. The sweatpants were just black, however, thick and comfortable.
Stretching her arms over her head and walking into the living room, she walked into the scene of Ken and Kazutoshi bickering over some old horror movie, something about the camera? She paid no attention, too tired to really absorb anything being said.
Hitomi truly had no idea how exhausted she was until she was forced to face it. After crying her eyes out and taking a shower, now in more comfortable casual clothing, she wanted nothing more than to sleep.
“Hitomi!” Kazutoshi called, almost causing her to yelp from being pulled from her thoughts so quickly, “Wouldn't it make more sense for a jumpscare to happen after they build tension in a movie?”
“I… um.” She blinked slowly, thinking, “Probably… I think they're more fun however when they're unexpected. No tension but when you completely have your guard down.”
“Traitor!” He whined, causing Ken to laugh.
“She gets it!” The tallest boasted.
“Move over, it's getting cold.” She groaned, sitting left to Ken, leaning on him. He stiffened for a second before relaxing.
“You look like you're about to pass out,” he teased, she only nodded in response, eyes closed.
“I'll get a blanket,” Kazutoshi walked off to another room, Ken watching him leave before pulling Hitomi closer. She just made a small noise of acknowledgement before completely relaxing.
“A-about time you actually get real sleep,” his tone was soft and relieved but still teasing.
“Shuddup,” she muttered. She relaxed further into the touch when she felt hands in her hair. By the time she registered footsteps coming back, she was already drifting off, accepting sleep.
“You should try to get some sleep too, Ken.” Kazutoshi whispered, carefully laying the blanket over the two, leaving more than enough next to Ken.
“I don't know if I can. It's only late afternoon.”
“I know, but it looks like you're not going anywhere anytime soon anyways,” pointing to the now sleeping Hitomi who was latched to his side, “... Plus, you barely have been sleeping either. You both are pushing yourselves too much and it's unhealthy, and it's pissing me off.”
“O-okay, okay.” He hesitated, looking off to the side before patting the spot next to him. Kazutoshi didn't hesitate to sit and get comfortable under the blanket, leaning onto Ken who wrapped his free arm around him.
“Look at you, have two people in your arms. Looks like you have some game after all.” He teased, snickering to see Ken’s flush and glare at him.
“‘Toshi! Enough!” His voice was hushed but harsh. Kazutoshi couldn't help but giggle, closing his eyes.
“You're fun to rile up, make it so easy.”
“Rude.” He huffed. He blinked over at Hitomi who was clearly dead asleep. Good. He closed his own eyes, exhaling.
This was nice.
-
Hitomi was slowly waking up, her head spinning. She didn't feel like opening her eyes yet, just barely letting herself listen to her surroundings.
Seems like some documentary was playing…? Hard to tell entirely. The second thing she noticed was how warm she was. She was clearly laying on her back, body heat coming from her side and an arm over her torso. She could hear a familiar hum in the ambience.
She now for sure knew where she was, at a friend's house. She muttered a curse realizing she’s probably been here for way too long. Something tells her she'll have a few missed calls from her parents. Despite now being an adult, they still can worry at times.
The last thing she for sure noticed was a dull ache in her knee. Fuck. The pain medication wore off and now it was a grinding pain at full force. She made the mistake of attempting to stretch it to ease the tension but it did nothing but make a jolt of pain strike up her leg. Her eyes shot open, hissing.
“Good evening.” Kazutoshi stopped humming, looking up over at her, tearing his eyes away from the book he was reading.
“How long did I sleep?” She muttered, looking over to see Kazutoshi laying against the arm of the couch, Ken laying half on his stomach and lap. She was more or less tucked under Ken’s chin, but now sitting up. She looked back to the voice.
“A couple of hours. It's now 11PM. You two needed it. Means my plan worked.” He gave her a soft smile. She blinked before nodding, closing her eyes and sighing.
There was a beat of silence as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Her knee was now deciding to truly give her issues. Annoying.
“Have any spare painkillers?”
“Knee?”
“Yup.”
“Yeah. They're by the sink in the bathroom. I would get them but,” he pointed to Ken, “I have an oversized nervous retriever dead asleep on me.”
“Thank you,” she giggled before pushing herself up carefully, careful to not wake Ken after moving his arm off of her. Limping to the bathroom, she quickly found the OTC painkillers, nabbing a couple before taking them. She caught her eyes in the mirror, looking up. She looked… A little more refreshed, but clearly still tired nonetheless. She tore her eyes away, limping back to the living room. She looked for her bag before looking for her phone in it.
To her shock, she didn't have any missed calls from her parents, just a couple of texts asking if she was staying after classes. She made quick work to text back.
Sitting back down next to the sleeping Ken, she leaned back, closing her eyes. She was content. Not upset, not happy, just content of the moment.
“Can I ask something weird?” Her tone was unsure and quiet, not looking at the shorter boy, instead just watching the documentary in front of her. Well. Less of watching it, but using it as a visual distraction.
“As long as it's not about how to hide a body. I'm already in enough trouble as it is. Otherwise, shoot.”
“I- wh- huh? I- whatever.” She shook her head. Kazutoshi just said shit for the sake of saying shit.
“Go on,” he urged, looking over at her with a playful look. She looked back, rolling her eyes before her expression dropped. She played with her hands, biting her lip.
“... How did you know? That you were a gay man I mean.” Kazutoshi almost froze in place from that question. He closed his book and put it to the side, sighing.
“Shit… I don't really know. I think? I always knew?” He looked down in thought.
“I always knew I was a man, I think I knew that before I knew I was gay. I knew when I looked in a mirror before transitioning, I hated it. I didn't exactly hate how I looked… Just knew everything was wrong.” He hummed, looking back over at Hitomi.
“I explored myself. I guess. I played with how I expressed myself and presented myself. I was lucky enough to be convincing that I was a cis man. It was rare for someone to see through it. When I was being treated like a man, seen as a man, referred to as a man, it felt good. Comfortable and it felt right.”
Hitomi nodded, looking away.
“... Can I ask why you're asking?” He asked carefully. Hitomi turned to Kazutoshi, his eyes were so soft, knowing. She felt exposed and it scared her but if she were to bring this kind of topic up to anyone, it would be him.
“I don't know. Guess I'm curious if I… I think I'm something under that umbrella.” She muttered, now hugging herself. She'd pull her knees up if her one knee didn't ache so badly.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I think- er- know. I know I've been thinking about gender for a while. It's something I've been trying to understand for a long time and how it applies to me. I don't believe I am a trans man… but… I don't think being a cis woman fits me either.” Her voice went quieter, looking away for a moment before blinking up at Kazutoshi. He nodded, smiling.
“Maybe you're non-binary. You can be both or neither at all. Gender is stupid and it's stupid complicated. Okazaki, Isoda, Hidemi, and Ninomiya are all different flavors of non-binary. You can be whatever you feel comfortable with. Get weird with it.” He stated, Hitomi giggled at his phrasing before nodding.
“Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.” She let out a rough exhale. “Gender sucks.”
“Ain't that the truth.” Kazutoshi leaned back. “How do you want us to refer to you?”
Hitomi hesitated, biting her lip. It felt so foreign to actually talk about this, she's never actually talked about her own identity like this before. Talk about whiplash for the last 24 hours.
“I think I like they and she for now. Everything else? Mix it up, I want to get a feel for everything.” She smiled, a giddy feeling started to spark in their chest. It felt almost freeing to actually have it out in the air.
“Noted Sir Sasaki.” He teased with a dramatic tone with a shit-eating grin.
“Nevermind I take everything back, you're prohibited from referring to me at all forever.” Now both of them were now laughing.
“Do you want anyone else to know… er more specifically, Ken?” He asked. Hitomi nodded, they couldn't be more grateful for how respectful he is. It was almost overwhelming. Scratch that. It was overwhelming, but welcoming.
“I want him to know, yeah. You two first.” Before anyone else could say anymore, a tired whine came from the brunette, he shifted.
“You two are so loud,” he grumbled, nuzzling into Kazutoshi’s sweater.
“Get up. We got gender updates anyway, it's important.” He gently tapped his head. Ken’s eyes opened, pushing himself up in question.
“Huh? Wait. Huh?” He blinked the tired out of his eyes, sitting up, looking between the two of them.
“Congratulations. You're the token cis guy.” Kazutoshi was now grinning. Ken blinked, confused before looking at Hitomi who smiled back, clearly a little nervous.
“W-wait- oh! Oh shit!” He straightened his posture. “Congratulations! Pronouns and preferences?” He was obviously still waking up, but eager to accept and understand nonetheless. It was endearing to them both.
“They and she for now… and everything works for right now with everything else. Mix it up?” They shrugged. Ken nodded.
“O-okay! Thank you for telling us.” Ken stretched his arms above his head, a loud crack coming from his back causing Kazutoshi to flinch.
“Dude.”
“Tall people problems.” He groaned.
“We gotta kill you.” Kazutoshi joked with a giggle. Ken snickered.
“Join the killer club.” He tiredly and playfully challenged in response. Kazutoshi blinked.
“Oh yeah. Maybe I should step it up. Hiroaki’s been pissing me off anyways,” he muttered, waving his hand. Hitomi truly never understood how they'd joke so light-heartedly about the game but they found herself snickering and rolling her eyes anyways.
“... Does that make the teacher that… did that gay?” Hitomi blinked. Both Kazutoshi and Ken froze before Kazutoshi bursted out laughing, holding onto his chest to avoid his heart rate spiking too harshly, or some attempt of it as if it worked like that.
“I… I mean. Would it?” Ken questioned in thought.
“... I think boxes are stupid anyways. Sure, he's gay now.” Toshi waved his hand. Hitomi snickered, okay, maybe they understood the jokes a little bit. It felt sort of okay to be more light-hearted about it.
“I’m kind of hungry… I'll heat up some leftovers. You two want any?” Ken asked the two before standing up. They both agreed and Ken walked off.
Kazutoshi took the opportunity to sit close to Hitomi, bumping into their shoulder.
“If you ever want to try HRT, just let me know. It's only a little chemistry, I can make it.”
Hitomi nodded, grateful. “I'm unsure, I think I need more time… but I'll keep it in mind. Thank you.”
That was something they always seemed to forget about. The only reason why he and Okazaki still exchanged conversation was usually about gender affirming care. Both Okazaki and Kazutoshi knew how to make the umbrella of it, and if she remembered correctly, Okazaki and Hirose were willing to provide more surgical changes… though, they couldn't see herself going to Okazaki for anything at all. After hearing what occurred in the game after their own execution, she understood Ken’s protective behavior and distaste.
“Always open, free of charge.” He winked. She giggled.
Ken walked back with plates of food, an eyebrow raised between the two. Kazutoshi winked at him, he flushed with a fake cough. Hitomi stuck out their tongue, rolling their eyes.
What a weird day.