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It was Christmas Eve, and neither Robby nor Abbot were home. Instead, Abbot was wearing a big red suit, a hat and a long white beard. Robby was there to escort him around. To help hand out presents and to keep him company. He hadn’t really wanted to be there, but Jack had begged him to come.
Even begging hadn’t quite convinced him yet, although he had said yes, it was a begrudged one. Except then he saw him in the Santa outfit and Oh. Oh okay. Yeah, he could look at that all evening long.
It proved to be more difficult than just standing there and staring at him while he interacted with the kids. He was good with the kids. So good that it hurt Robby’s heart. And then there were the parents, so thankful for their efforts and so emotional about their children’s happiness.
He had to swallow away a lump in his throat on multiple occasions.
Kids loved him. He sat down on their beds, and every single time the kids, when able, would snuggle up to him.
“You are so kind, Santa.” One of the little girls said. Her head was free of hair, her eyes looked hollow, but her lips were glued into a big grin.
“Only because you are as well, Iris.” He said back easily.
The little girl struggled up and kissed his cheek, halfway on his beard, before cuddling up to him again.
Robby had tears in his eyes. He didn’t know how Jack could keep up the act. Surely his heart was hurting too.
One of the parents put a hand on his shoulder. “He’s very good.” She whispered to him.
Robby nodded. “He is.”
She smiled at the sadness in his eyes, appreciating that they cared.
Robby quickly looked away. He couldn’t look parents in the eye. He had done that too many times for all the worst reasons. These people still had hope.
He reached into the big sack he was in charge of and pulled out a present. He offered it to Santa, who shook it gently, hummed and then said. “Yes. This is the one I got especially for you.”
Robby would have melted if the situation hadn’t been so heartbreaking.
When they walked out, he noticed the mother’s hand on Jack’s arm. It lingered. She was just thankful, he told himself. When the door closed behind them, he could hear quiet arguing. "Why do you always have to be all over the doctors?" The husband sneered. "I'm not. I'm just grateful."
If Jack heard it, he did not mention it. “Who’s next?”
Robby checked the list. “Jackson. Seven.”
Jack nodded, his eyes lingering on Robby as they usually did. “You good, brother?”
Robby looked up, eyebrows high. “Me? Yes, yes, I’m fine.” His response was too quick; he knew it in an instant, but Jack didn’t get the chance to mention it.
“Santa!” A young girl called out from across the hallway. They hadn’t gotten to her room yet, but Jack recognised her from the photos he had memorised beforehand.
“Amanda,” He whispered to Robby.
He sped up the moment he saw the girl struggle to hurry toward him with her oxygen and her bad leg. He knelt down in front of her and opened up his arms.
The little girl, no older than 6, let herself fall into his arms.
Robby tried not to sigh, knowing that getting up was going to be an issue for Jack. He would have to find a way to distract the girl while also helping his friend off the floor.
“Aman- Oh thank goodness.” A young lady hurried out of her room. “Amanda, you know you cannot just walk out of your room. Not even for Santa.”
“Sorry mommy.” She pouted at Santa.
Jack winked at her. “Don’t worry, Amanda, Santa will always keep you safe.”
The little girl gasped. “You know my name..?!” She coughed and then straightened her back, as if hiding her struggles from her mother.
“Why of course, Amanda.” He touched her cheek. “Santa always remembers the nicest kids.”
She visibly melted at his words and quickly hid her face in her mother’s leg.
When Abbot let out a quiet sound of discomfort, Robby knew it was time to help him back up. He moved closer to the girl and crouched down. “Amanda, would you like to help Santa out later?”
The little girl’s eyes widened. “Yes, sir!”
Robby quietly made a plan with the little girl, and in the meantime, Jack was reaching out for any part of Robby to help him up. Except, the mother noticed his struggle and offered her hand.
Robby did not fail to notice that even after Jack was standing the lady did not let go of it. She smiled sweetly at him. He told himself she was just thankful. Thankful for what they were doing, or for how good he was with her daughter. But his stomach was forming knots. She was still looking at him, still smiling, still holding his hand.
He finished his plan with little Amanda and then quickly pulled Jack along. Even then, the woman lingered. He grit his teeth and was tempted to grab Jack’s hand for himself. But, they weren’t like that. They were friends. Amazing friends. He was not about to be jealous of a young mother whose husband left her because of their critically sick child.
He shook his head and got back to what they were doing.
“Jackson.” He reminded Abbot.
The little boy was delighted to see him. They hugged, and they talked, and Jack even managed to make him laugh.
The parents of the young boy paid no attention to Robby. He liked it that way. It gave him the time to just simply stare at his beloved Jack. It made the knots in his stomach smooth out again.
The next child was a difficult one. The young boy was bedridden. He couldn’t even move up to hug Santa.
Jack wasn’t phased. He made sure to ruffle his hair and tuck in the blanket. He complimented his eyes and how good he had been this year. “I picked this one especially for you.” He smiled as he handed him the present.
His father helped him unwrap it, while his mother sniffled. Abbot got off the bed to offer the woman a supportive smile. The woman, in return, fell against his chest and cried loudly. “Thank you.” She tried to whisper it, but was much too upset to manage.
Jack comforted her with his eyes closed.
Robby could feel the knots return. He scolded himself for it. These people were struggling; there was nothing to be jealous of. This was the worst thing a parent could go through, and here he was, jealous of the amount they got to touch him.
It wasn’t like it was their fault that he barely dared to touch him. They hugged hello, and usually goodbye, but that was it. On a good day, Robby would allow himself to linger a little bit, to keep one hand on his back as he stands next to him, but most days... the hug was all he allowed himself.
By the time Robby pulled himself out of his head, he noticed Jack had his eyes on him. He was still hugging the mom, but there was something impossibly soft in his eyes that was not meant for her.
Robby caught that look from time to time. He figured it was worry, which he hated from anyone but Jack. He didn’t exactly want the man to worry about him, but he was worried right back all the time. It was only fair to let him do the same.
He watched a little smile appear, one that felt personal, before he backed away and wished the mother strength. He turned to the boy before the mother could go back to crying. “You make sure to be just as good next year, yeah?” He fixed his hair. “I’ll make sure you get an extra big present.” He winked. He said it with such warmth that Robby could feel it across the room.
When they walked out, they could hear the boy complain about his mother’s crying. His mother laughed through her tears. “Sorry, sweetie, I just love Santa.”
Jack puffed out a little laugh, but Robby didn’t respond. He was too lost in his head. He loved Santa too.
Jack was giving him that look again. The one that lingered with worry and something soft. Something a normal person might call love. But they weren’t normal.
So, they continued on to the next room, Amanda.
Robby made sure that Amanda did her part to help Santa, and then retreated to the back of the room.
“You are very sweet, Santa.” She said as she hugged him again.
“Yes, he is.” Her mother responded much too quickly for Robby’s liking. “He’s a handsome, sweet man.” She nodded at her daughter but then eyed Abbot.
Robby fought the urge to roll his eyes. They were struggling. She was allowed to flirt with him a little bit. She didn’t mean it. She was fine. There was nothing to worry about.
Apart from the fact that she reached out to him again and put her hand on top of his. Jack smiled back politely, covering her hand and giving it a squeeze.
Thankfully for Robby, he turned back to the girl and reached behind himself for her present. Robby gave it in such a way that their hands touched. He normally wouldn’t have done that; he didn’t allow himself, but this night was proving to be more difficult than he had anticipated.
Jack lingered. He had a grip on the box already, but he loved Robby’s touch. He was big on touch anyway. A hug, an arm around shoulders, a squeeze in the arm... he loved them all. But Robby rarely granted him that, so every now and then he took advantage of their friendship and lingered on him. A hand on his back, shoulders pressed together, a hand on his knee as they drank a beer on the bench in front of the hospital... And nobody would think it odd, because he was just a touchy man. No one realised it was because some days his presence alone wasn’t enough to convince him he was really there.
The next few kids didn’t last as long. They were too tired for a chat, or simply incapable of processing it all.
The parents, however, seemed more and more... infatuated with him. It was the only word Robby could use for it. Nothing else quite covered how much they were smiling at him and touching him, and complimenting him.
Robby hated to admit it, but he was jealous. Well and truly jealous. It was ridiculous. He never in his life wanted to be in their positions and yet... he wanted to be able to freely touch the man. To compliment him without his face heating up. To look him in the eye without feeling like the man was reading his every thought, aware of his every feeling.
He was so lost in his own struggles, he didn’t even notice the number of times Abbot looked over at him with those soft eyes.
“Fatima. Four.” He stated as they walked to the next room.
He was good with her, so damn good. Robby watched as the two of them chatted, Jack constantly fixing the girl’s gown or hair. Touching her nose with a quiet boop, or smiling so warmly it made her shy.
“Here you go, sweetie.” He whispered as he gave the girl her present. The girl loved it so much she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him right on the lips.
Her mother hurried forward. “Oh, let's not kiss Santa, honey.” She shot him an apologetic look.
“Why?”
Her mother ran a hand through her hair. “Because honey, Santa has all the kids in the world to see.”
The girl’s eyes widened. “That’s too many kisses.”
Abbot couldn’t help but laugh, trying his best to turn it into a ho ho ho, but failing miserably because it was just too funny. He grinned at her. “Definitely too many kisses.”
The moment the door was closed behind them, they couldn’t help but chuckle. They quickly walked away so the girl couldn’t hear them.
Robby halted further down the hall. “We should probably make not kissing Santa an official rule.”
Jack waved it off. “Oh please, it’s fine.” He turned to him and looked him dead in the eye. “Never too many kisses.” He immediately walked off, but Robby was still standing there. Had he meant something by that? It felt like it, but his tone had been so casual, his demeanour so normal.
Robby shrugged it off and hurried after him with the presents.
This next child, a young girl and her mother, were Robby’s worst nightmare. It was harsh to call them that, he knew, but they were both so… so… in love with him.
The girl, seven years old, kept caressing his face and telling him he was the best, and had beautiful eyes and the kindest hugs. The mother, constantly agreed with her daughter by saying that he is indeed very handsome.
It didn’t help at all that it flustered Jack a little more each time.
To make matters worse, Jack asked Robby to give her the present while he spoke to the mother. He knew her from a long time ago, and they spoke about how her partner, the girl’s father, had left her. And then she had the audacity to start flirting with him.
He could see in the corner of his eyes that she had her hands on him. Both of them. And then, as he turned away from the girl and towards the adults, she kissed his cheek.
Robby was seeing red. He excused himself immediately, muttering a “be right back,” in a tone that unfortunately gave it all away.
He locked himself in the bathroom and cursed under his breath. Why was he such a mess today? He had been doing better. "Get it together, Robinavitch." He hadn’t had a panic attack in weeks, his nightmares didn’t always make him cry anymore; his heart had been healing. So why was he acting like this?
“Michael?” He heard coming from the hall.
He checked if he was presentable and then opened the door. “Here.”
“Are you alright?” Jack reached out for him, placing his hand on his upper arm, warm and firm.
Robby shrugged. The hand moved, but did not leave him. “Yeah, fine. Just a stomach thing. Thought I was going to puke. Didn’t.”
Jack didn’t buy it, but he wasn’t going to pressure him about it. Not here. He let his hand slide down his arm and along his fingers before walking away.
They had one more kid to visit, and then he could force him to come to his place, and then he could pester him about it.
“Oh look at that..!” The mother of the young boy said. “It’s Santa..!” Jack smiled warmly at her. “Oh, a very handsome Santa.” She exclaimed.
Robby had rolled his eyes before he could stop himself. Fuck.
Thankfully, nobody noticed, the boy too happy to see Santa Claus, and his mother too intrigued by the handsome man in the red suit.
For some reason, the mother spoke up. “You look quite young, mister Claus.”
The little boy frowned. “Young?! He’s so old! Look at that beard!” He touched it, and Abbot made sure to move along with it so the boy wouldn’t pull it off his face.
“No, really, Mrs Clause is very lucky.”
Robby had his jaw tightly set. It was the only thing he could do to stop himself from saying something stupid.
The boy thankfully steered the conversation away from how handsome Santa was and toward all the presents he had already gotten.
“Speaking of presents,” Jack jumped in easily, “I’m afraid I forgot one.” He took it from Robby without looking at him. “Here you go, friend.”
The boy hugged him and quickly opened it up.
The boy was incredibly happy with it and hugged Santa again. “This is the best one!” He promised him.
Jack moved off the edge of the bed with a smile. “I’m glad I got it to you in time, then.” He made way to leave the room, but the boy hurried up and grabbed his hand. He pulled him back by it and held on tightly.
“You’re not young, Santa.” He pulled a serious face, touched a few wrinkles on his forehead and eyes and then seemed to come to a conclusion. “You are ancient.”
Abbot closed his eyes to stop himself from laughing. “Ancient, huh? Well you’re not far off..!” He crinkled his eyes, further proving the boy’s point.
“Yeah..” He nodded, looking him over some more. “You must be an eternity old.”
Jack pressed his lips together harshly. Must. Not. Laugh. “Have fun playing, kid. And get a good night’s rest, okay?”
He smiled at the mother and then had to hurry out. He pulled Robby along down the hall, through some doors and then stopped to burst out a loud laugh. It was full, and so wonderful that it caught Robby by surprise.
“Ancient?!” He exclaimed, still laughing.
“An eternity..!” Robby couldn’t help but join. Jack’s laughter was much too infectious.
They laughed for minutes, clutching their stomachs. Every time one of them finally stopped laughing, the other would make them burst again.
Then suddenly, out of the blue, they were kissing. It was entirely unclear who had leaned in first. One moment they were laughing, and the next they were simply glued together. Jack had his hands on him, one on his chest, the other on his jaw.
Slowly, Robby’s hand disappeared into Jack’s hair while the other was gripping his hip. Their kiss was desperate, years of longing finally colliding. Robby was being pressed against the wall, Jack putting his entire weight against him.
He didn’t step away until they paused for air. Both were more out of breath than they’d like to admit.
Robby was the first to speak up. “If one more mom calls you a handsome Santa, I’m going to lose it.”
“That was the last kid.”
Robby sighed, his relief obvious for once. “Thank fuck.”
The way he was looking Jack in the eye and not trying to move away from him, told him that Robby hadn’t quite realised yet what had happened.
Jack grinned and took a strong hold of one of his hands, making sure he couldn’t pull away. “Jealous are we?” He taunted.
Robby’s eyes went wide with sudden realisation. Fuck. Shit. He had kissed him. He had fucked up their friendship. They had been laughing, and then he had done the unthinkable and ruined the best damn friendship he had ever had.
He could feel his face going red. It felt like it was on fire. He wanted to lie and say he didn’t care at all if other people found him attractive, but as he opened his mouth to speak… he noticed that Jack was coming closer. He was leaning in.
Just as suddenly as their kiss had started, he was now realising that Jack had been kissing back. Passionately.
His heart was racing, and for a moment, he felt brave. He reached up, pulled the fake beard down and leaned in the last inch. There was no going back now. They were kissing, and both of them clearly loved it. He felt Jack’s hands on him; he was pulling him closer. And so, Robby pulled him closer just as much.
They were interrupted by the doors opening, followed by a small but obvious gasp.
“Santa! What about Mrs Claus?”
“We separated,” Abbot said easily as Robby secretly fixed his beard.
The kid got called back to his room and left without another word. Abbot finally dared to look up and into Robby’s eyes. He could read them without even trying, so he wanted to be ready for what he saw him them.
All he saw was love. His eyes were shining with joy and love, and relief. He couldn’t help but kiss him again. It was only a peck, but Robby was melting.
“Come back to my place?” Robby asked as a wave of bravery hit him once more.
Jack pressed yet another quick kiss to his lips. “Love that idea, but you don’t have my extra crutches anymore.”
“Right.” Robby nodded.
“So…” Jack started to play with his shirt. “Mine then?”
“Yours.” Robby nodded.
Oh. He moved his head in that jerky way he always did when he was nervous or struggling. “Both.”
Jack smiled brighter than he had in months. “Yours.” He nodded. “If you want.”
Robby rolled his eyes. “Clearly, I fucking want." He was going to lean in to peck his lips, but found himself too shy. "Are we going to your place, or are we going to stand around here till I have to carry you?”
Jack piped up. That certainly was a fun thought.
Robby moved his head again. “No.” He pointed a finger at him.
Abbot just grabbed that finger and held on. “Let’s go. I need to kiss you more.”
Robby couldn’t get a single other word out of his mouth. His heart was in his throat. They were doing it. It hadn’t ruined a thing, just gave them something more to look forward to. Instead, he just nodded.
Yes to more kisses. Yes to going to his place. Yes to being his.