Work Text:
For me, love has always been like an ocean. Huge, dangerous, wild, terrifying, deep enough to drown you and hide under its waters where nobody will be able to ever find you. And if you travel there alone, there's a high chance you'll lose yourself and will never be able to come back.
I was afraid to even come too close to that ocean. I didn't want any drama or to feel like being suffocated while desperately trying to reach an island and go on with my life.
I was afraid that one day I’d find myself drifting there alone without any hope to see the ground again.
***
Bokuto didn't just silently appeared in Akaashi’s life like other people usually did. He stormed in with his loud laughter, an almost never-ending flood of words, ridiculous jokes and horrible puns.
It was unusual at first - to be around somebody so energetic more than an hour almost every day but soon Akaashi found himself getting used to that. It wasn't like he himself was a too serious person who couldn't really have fun or feel genuinely happy, although people had always assumed something like that about him. He just had been more used to all those friendly enough people who were always polite or awkward at first like his new classmates. Sometimes their attempts at getting to know Akaashi felt like they were covered in some sort of fakeness like those people didn't even know why they tried to talk with Akaashi in the first place when they hadn't any particular desire to know him better. It was as if they tried to be polite only to get some benefits in the future.
It wasn't always like that, though. Akaashi still had friends outside the volleyball club. But all of them stepped in and made their way into his life slowly, going from acquaintances to friends, uncertainly at first and calmly after a while. Unlike Bokuto who seemed eager to learn more about his new teammates including future setter right when they first met in school gym back when Akaashi was one of the first years (actually, it wasn't their first meeting but it was the first one you could even describe as real). And pretty quickly Akaashi found himself interested in observing that guy. Or maybe more than just observing, if he was completely honest with himself. It wasn't difficult with Bokuto.
Bokuto just came and started talking with Akaashi during breaks, before and after volleyball practice, on the way home. He didn’t really need any excuses. He was always so genuine, people couldn’t help but be drawn to him. Akaashi, too, was caught. And he didn’t even notice at first.
One day he understood that he really wanted to know more about the energetic ace, just a little more than teammates usually knew, probably. It was the same day he found out that he already knew a lot about Bokuto. It was on their way from school when that thought suddenly struck him while Bokuto was talking animatedly about something stupid Kuroo had done earlier. Akaashi also had a feeling that Bokuto knew him quite well then, too. And maybe he also wanted to know more. Hopefully.
***
Isn’t it wonderful how sometimes everything just comes together in life? When you realize it, you suddenly feel so powerful yet so light. I would like to remember those moments. I’d want them to be somewhere in my memory like those photographs which make you smile fondly every time you look at them.
Who were they to each other? A question that was answered with a hug and later – with a kiss. Friends, lovers, both.
Their friendship started with loud words. The first confession was almost a whisper said like a secret by the boy with a heart full of wonder. It was as if Bokuto didn’t expect that he would really say those words but judging from the look on his face, he didn’t regret it. Akaashi didn’t expect to hear them then. Or maybe he actually hoped that moment would come but thought that it would always be just a dream. His small secret dream. On that day, both of them revealed their secrets.
“I’m in love with you.”
They had their insecurities and fears but they just hoped they would overcome them along the way. They could work on it together. Akaashi was afraid of being naïve, of becoming one of those people who were blinded by the feelings – stories about them more often than not had sad endings. Thus, Akaashi Keiji decided to hold on to their silent promise to put effort into all of this.
It all happened at the end of his second year of high school, Bokuto graduated then. It was a good thing they lived in Tokyo and Bokuto decided to stay. Otherwise, it would be too lonely.
Akaashi didn’t tell him then that for a minute he felt scared and he hated himself for thinking about possible distance and loneliness and imagining – just for a second, but still – the worst case scenario. He needed to believe in them.
It was a good thing Bokuto knew him well and saw that fear somehow or maybe he was scared himself. He reassured Keiji with soft words spoken in one summer evening.
“Everything comes with time. Thoughts become clearer, bonds get stronger.”
Bokuto Koutarou could say something wise like that sometimes and you could always see that he believed in every word. Akaashi quite liked how simple Bokuto made it sound. It gave him more strength to keep his promise. Bokuto laughed then in his usual manner and Akaashi couldn’t help but laugh with him feeling as if they had won in a little battle against his own fear. They could do it.
***
Sometimes I feel like I'm being devoured by a monster. I don't mean something terrifying and horrible, though. It’s more like there is my wonderful monster who can take me apart gently though there are long claws on his arms, and then put me together. What a wonderful creature he is, being like this and letting me do the same to him. There is something incredible in all this – a feeling of being completely immersed in something, lost somewhere between reality and strange dream, between pure pleasure and bare feelings.
Waking up, still feeling this as if it’s something in my bones. It’s like waking up feeling real for the first time. I’m here, you’re here. We are here.
It’s like I dove in the ocean and now I’m swimming just below the surface. I’m underwater but I can still see the sky. And there is someone else beside me. Someone who always reaches to me, touches my arms. Someone who holds my hand while we continue swimming here. I’m not lost.
People say life isn’t a fairytale and Akaashi certainly didn’t expect it to be the one. They had their ups and downs and it was alright. They were more than alright. Bonds really do get stronger with time if you let them, if both of you really want them to strengthen.
It was hard to believe sometimes that they had been together for several years. At the same time, Akaashi couldn’t imagine his life being somehow different. It would be really hard to imagine it without Bokuto (true, it was possible but he didn’t need or want to think about it).
“Koutarou.”
Now they could wake up together in the room filled with sunlight, feeling peaceful, calm and pleasantly warm all over. They didn’t have to hide or worry about other people because they had a place they called their own. Not that Bokuto had ever tried to hide or anything, he didn’t really care about what other people thought of them, but now their home was here.
Bokuto had always been the energetic one, someone you could call a morning person. He could wake up and start talking and joking, although sometimes he wanted to just cuddle until noon. Akaashi liked hearing the sound of his breathing that transformed into humming while Koutarou was in the process of waking up.
“Keiji, do you know what those birds outside are singing in the morning about?” Bokuto’s muffled voice was always a little raspy in the morning, which was somewhat cute.
“What?”
“They sing that you’re owlsome.”
“You just didn’t.”
While Akaashi was lying there with a fake horrified expression on his face and wondering how somebody could say something like that and still feel smug about it, Bokuto burst out laughing, the whole bed shaking with him.
“It wasn’t so bad,” he said. The most amazing thing was that he really thought so.
“It was awful. And if you thought that I would start making breakfast after this, you’ll need to think again. Especially if you still haven’t cleaned that mess from yesterday when you suddenly decided you knew how to bake a cake.”
Bokuto only groaned then and nuzzled Akaashi’s neck with his nose, making Keiji smile in response. They often had mornings like this one. Akaashi loved all of them.
There were so many mornings for them in the future, so many evenings spent in the company of each other. And Akaashi wanted it all. The most important and glorious thing was that Bokuto, that boy full of light and love, wanted it, too.
For me, love is an ocean. Vast and beautiful, wild and terrifying in its depth. I’m right in it. I’m not afraid.