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Minori could always tell when Haruka's tone was different. Sure, to anyone else, nothing had changed, but she secretly knew. She could just simply tell by her girlfriend's latest texts and by how she was speaking, Haruka was acting different around her. All of More More Jump were behaving strangely around her. Minori could see through it all. Her mind's reality was the absolute truth. Minori would never belong with them, no matter how hard she tried. She was useless compared to them. Nothing was ever going to change the truth, a monster couldn't be an idol.
So, when Haruka came over to study at Minori's place, the air felt heavier than usual. Logically, she was probably just imagining things. And, maybe she was. Maybe there truly wasn't anything wrong. That was probably it. She shouldn't ruin a study session over stupid paranoia.
But, she couldn't focus. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't focus on any of the paragraphs in the textbook. Nothing was going in her damn head. Haruka probably thought she was stupid. Minori looked over to see how she was getting on. They locked eyes for a moment, before Haruka then looked away.
Minori shouldn't say anything. It didn't mean anything. It didn't mean a fucking thing.
"Just admit it already," Minori muttered.
Shit. Why did I do that?
"Hm? Admit what?" Haruka asked.
"I'm a fucking loser. You're lying to me if you deny that."
What am I saying? I really should stop.
Haruka didn't respond. Her silence made Minori's heart pound, as tears welled up in her eyes.
Well, Haruka-chan's going to hate me anyway… so what's the point in stopping?
"You're stupid for loving me, you know that? You have billions of other people in the world, and yet you choose me? Me, of all fucking people? I don't know what's wrong with your head, Haruka-chan, I really don't—"
Minori's words paused as she felt Haruka hold her hand, before giving it a gentle squeeze. She still hadn't said anything. Why hadn't she said a single word?
"You're so stupid, why won't you admit that I'm the worst? Why won't you admit it already? I keep insulting you over and over, and yet you aren't mad?" Minori babbled out, tears rolling down her face. "I don't get it at all…"
"Hey, hey, I know you don't really mean it, so I'm not taking what you're saying personally. I can tell you're feeling low right now, the last thing you need is me getting mad," Haruka responded.
"But what if I do mean it? Then what?"
"Minori, 'what if's' don't matter to me. I love you, and I know you well, I know for a fact that you don't mean it."
"But… I'm a bad person, a horrible partner, and a terrible idol! I keep finding ways to talk back at you, and it's making me feel horrible." Minori cried. "You're just going to get sick of me and leave, everyone in MMJ will leave."
Haruka firmly squeezed Minori's hand. "You're human, and you're definitely not a bad person. These feelings will pass, I promise."
Haruka's hand was so warm. It felt so nice. She was so safe. Why did Minori even try arguing with her? Haruka's kindness was something she was forever grateful for. Her girlfriend really was the best person.
Minori suddenly hugged her, burying her face into the other's chest. Haruka wrapped her arms around her tightly, showing no signs of letting her go.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Haruka-chan, you won't leave me, right? I'm so sorry for what I said, I shouldn't have ever said those things in the first place, but I just don't know when to shut up, do I? I'm so sorry!" she frantically spoke, crying into Haruka's shirt.
"Shhh, no more apologies, okay? I already know you're sorry, my clover, you don't need to talk right now."
In any other instance, Minori would be squealing over what her girlfriend had called her. But, right now, it didn't exactly feel right. Did she deserve to be called such an adorable pet name? She could hardly tell.
It wouldn't hurt to ask Haruka not to leave, right? That didn't count as an apology.
"Mmm, Haruka-chan, please don't leave."
Haruka held her even tighter. "Mm, I won't leave, I promise. I'm not going to ever let go of you, even if we have to perform."
Minori's tears stopped for a moment as her mind began to process what she had just said.
"Huh? How?" Minori asked, caught off guard by what she said.
"Well, I can always just carry you around, I'm sure I can dance with you in my arms," Haruka chuckled.
Minori couldn't help but laugh at such a ridiculous idea. There was no way that could ever work, but the thought still made her giggle.
"Haruka-chan, I can't be an idol if you keep holding me!" Minori laughed, squirming to try and get out of Haruka's embrace, but to no avail. Haruka's training definitely showed itself here.
"I'll only let go of you once I'm sure you're feeling better, my love," Haruka murmured. "How are you feeling right now?"
Minori took a moment to think. She had stopped crying, which was definitely an improvement. But then again, if she thought too hard about the past, she'd probably end up sobbing again.
"A bit better, but I still feel guilty…" she responded. "I know you forgave me, but I just wanted to apologise again. I'm sorry, I really do love you, Haruka-chan. All the things I said earlier weren't true."
"I knew that already, dear, I've done my research," Haruka whispered.
"Mm. Thank you for your patience. I love you."
Haruka sighed with content. "I love you too."
"Even after all the things I said?"
"Even after what you said earlier, I love you. I'm not holding any of that against you, I promise," Haruka reassured. "Please trust me."
Her tone was firm and resolute. Minori couldn't do anything else besides believing her. Every word Haruka said made her feel so protected. The voices in her head had become quieter. Minori could see reality more clearly for what it was. Haruka wasn't going to abandon her. Minori, although not perfect, was far from a bad idol. Black and white beliefs melted into shades of grey. Her breathing was steadying.
Still, Minori didn't say anything yet, letting herself enjoy the warmth of Haruka's arms. The firmness of her muscles made Minori's ears grow warmer. She prayed Haruka didn't notice.
"Aww, are you blushing? Your ears are all red, hehe, Minori is so cute," Haruka cooed, before kissing the top of her head.
Minori's face burned brightly from embarrassment.
"Um, H-Haruka-chan, I'm doing like, uhh, way better now so I, umm, you can let go of me!" Minori stammered.
"Mm, all right, hehe, sorry for teasing you," Haruka laughed. "I'm glad my idol is feeling better."
Haruka relaxed her arms, releasing her girlfriend from her tight embrace. Minori moved away from her chest, before looking into Haruka's eyes. She held her breath. Her eyes were so sweet. But what she said earlier must've hurt her, it had to have hurt her. She needed to…
"I'm…"
"Minori." Haruka firmly said, holding her hand. "Remember what I said earlier?"
Right. No apologies. Her throat felt tight. She wanted to apologise again. To repent for what she had done.
"T-Thank you for being patient with me, I'm grateful that you care about me." Minori managed to get out.
"Good job, I'm proud of you," Haruka praised, before patting her head. "You're a great idol, don't forget that."
Minori grinned whilst Haruka continued patting her head. If she had a dog's tail, it would definitely be wagging back and forth right now. Haruka's hands felt nice on her head. She loved getting treated like this, it made the effort of not over apologising all worth it.
"Thank you, Haruka-chan. I'll make sure to become an even better idol for you and our fans!"
Haruka smiled. The hand that was on her head went down to Minori's cheek, cupping it. Minori flinched from how sudden it was, before leaning into her touch.
"I'm glad you're doing better now," Haruka said, rubbing her cheek with her thumb. "I love you no matter what, but seeing your joy makes my heart feel warm. I love seeing you be like this, so happy and carefree. You really deserve it."
Minori's eyes went blurry with tears. "Haruka-chan…"
"D-Did I say something wrong?" Haruka asked, eyes widening.
"No! I'm happy, these are good tears, I promise." Minori quickly corrected, wiping away her tears. "Thank you."
Haruka kissed her cheek, giggling against her skin, before whispering into her ear. "Minori, how about we take a nap? I think you deserve more cuddles after all of that."
"Are you sure?" Minori said, her eyes darting towards their textbooks.
"Studying can come later," Haruka replied, walking towards Minori's bed. "You'll be able to study better once your mind is well-rested."
Her girlfriend laid down, gesturing for Minori to join her. Normally, Haruka wasn't the first one to suggest taking a break.
"Are you really sure, Haruka-chan? I don't want to stop you from studying because of me…"
"You matter more to me than grades, your wellbeing is what I care about. Just let me spoil you, please?"
She couldn't really say no to that, not when Haruka was determined to do this. The strict idol was asking to spoil her. The thought almost made her laugh. The idol who barely took rests was asking her, practically pleading for her to take a break. Minori could do nothing but comply with her wishes, as she laid beside her. They laid there for a while, as Haruka held her hand.
"Minori, can I spoon you?"
"I don't mind. I always get so sleepy after crying…" Minori mumbled, before letting out a yawn. She shifted her body to lay on the side, as Haruka did the same.
"Mm, I know, that's why I wanted you to take a nap." Haruka whispered, her arms wrapping around her.
Minori let out a flustered noise, her eyes growing heavier.
"I'm so lucky to have you, Haruka-chan…"
"Hehe, that's my line, Minori," Haruka whispered, squeezing her hand. "Go rest, dear, I'm not going anywhere."
Hearing that, Minori closed her eyes, letting her body relax completely. Not long after that did she fall asleep, quietly snoring in her girlfriend's arms. Haruka smiled to herself as she enjoyed listening to the adorable sounds that came out of her mouth.
"Sleep well, my clover." Her voice was soft, she didn't want to wake her up. She looked so peaceful when she slept. A stark contrast from her earlier mood.
Studying could come later, she thought. She wanted to indulge in this for as long as possible, even if it meant ignoring her studies. Minori's sleeping face was just too cute. But, as Haruka struggled to keep her eyes open, she continued holding Minori's hand. Even after she fell asleep, not once did she ever let go. Hand in hand, Minori rested peacefully as Haruka held her. Progress wasn't linear, but Haruka always managed to make her feel better. Things were going to be okay, even if there were a few hiccups along the way.