Chapter Text
There were noises everywhere - deafening, relentless. The crowd was feral with energy, adrenaline flooding the air so thick it felt impossible to stand still. Our bodies moved on instinct alone, dancing past exhaustion, past reason. They chanted our names, sang every lyric back at us, some even dancing like they were part of the performance themselves.
The atmosphere was intoxicating.
The kind that demanded everything you had - and then asked for more.
So we gave it to them.
But the moment we stepped backstage, the high shattered.
Exhaustion hit first - heavy and unavoidable - followed by a sharp, burning thirst that reminded me just how far I’d pushed myself.
Staff swarmed around us, voices overlapping, water bottles pressed into our hands. The air felt thick and heavy, still buzzing with leftover adrenaline.
Everything was too loud, too close, too much all at once. I told myself the tightness in my chest was just that - overstimulation. Nothing else.
By the time we reached our assigned room, my legs finally gave out. I collapsed onto the couch, muscles screaming as I let myself go still. The performance had been insane. Incredible. Completely draining.
The others weren’t much better.
Juhoon dropped into a chair nearby, already sipping water. Martin hyung paced for a moment before sitting beside me, while Keonho - annoyingly unfazed - looked like he could keep going if someone asked.
For a brief moment, there was silence. Then Martin hyung started talking, pulling Juhoon and Keonho into another conversation.
And just like that, my thoughts betrayed me.
They drifted back to something I’d tried desperately to ignore. Something I’d finally, unwillingly accepted only minutes before we left the dorm.
I looked at him before I could stop myself.
Ahn Keonho.
He was laughing now, teasing Martin hyung mercilessly. But it was Juhoon he kept glancing at, listening to, responding to. Their voices dropped, quieter than the rest of the room, and when Juhoon said something under his breath, Keonho smiled - soft, genuine, completely focused.
My chest tightened.
I told myself not to read into it. Told myself this was what friends did. Bandmates. Normal people.
I told myself that I was the problem for noticing, for feeling anything at all.
They fit together too easily. Sitting close. Leaning in. Like it was natural. Like it didn’t scare them.
James hyung shot Keonho a look - brief, unreadable. I couldn’t tell if it meant warning or understanding. Either way, Keonho didn’t pull away.
I almost felt bad for Martin hyung. Almost.
Keonho had always been like this - sharp tongued, relentless, especially with him. I teased the members too, but Keonho played a different game altogether.
And that smile.
It was unfair. Criminal, even. We had just finished an exhausting performance, and yet there he was, smiling like exhaustion was a concept meant for other people.
I must’ve been staring.
Because suddenly, Keonho looked at me.
The moment stretched - short, sharp, devastating. Something twisted low in my chest, heat rushing up before I could stop it. My first instinct wasn’t longing.
It was panic.
For half a second, his expression shifted.
Guilt?
Hesitation?
Then he looked away.
Just like that.
As if nothing had happened.
As if I hadn’t felt anything at all.
And that… that was the problem.
Ahn Keonho. My best friend. My bandmate. My deeply inconvenient, painfully obvious crush - one I hadn’t asked for, one I’d spent years convincing myself didn’t exist - had been avoiding me for weeks, yet here he was. Open. Relaxed. Warm.
With someone else.
No explanation. No warning.
Just distance sharp enough to cut.
I hated myself a little for how much it hurt. For how jealous I felt. For how wrong it felt to want something I wasn’t even sure I was allowed to want.
By the time we got back to the dorm, exhaustion had settled deep into my bones.
“Yah, I’m going first!!”
Martin and Keonho immediately rushed toward the bathroom like they always did. From the side, Juhoon hyung calmly slipped in ahead of them, leaving the two idiots frozen for a second before resuming their argument over who would go second.
After we all took our much-needed showers - somehow me second, James hyung third, Keonho fourth, and Martin hyung last - I sat on the couch, scrolling through my phone.
That’s when I noticed it.
Keonho and Juhoon hyung were sitting right beside me, talking quietly. The way Keonho leaned toward him, the way he smiled so easily - it was something he used to do with me.
Something I’d pretended not to miss.
And that was the problem.
Lately, the two of them were always together. Too close. Too comfortable. It messed with my head more than I wanted to admit. I kept wondering if this was what it looked like when someone chose someone else.
My heart started doing that awful, erratic thing whenever I saw them like this. I tried to ignore it. Told myself I was being dramatic. That this was just what happened when you let your guard down.
I couldn’t.
The thought lodged deep and ugly in my chest: If I hadn’t felt this way, none of this would hurt.
I couldn’t stand it anymore.
So I did what I’d been doing a lot lately.
I ran.
I stood up and went to the room I shared with Martin hyung and Keonho.
The moment I reached the room, I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, letting out a deep sigh I hadn’t even realized I was holding.
“Did something happen?” Martin hyung asked, and it startled me so badly I almost jumped.
“Damn way to scare a person…” I muttered, my voice a little sharper than I’d intended.
I’d been so lost in my thoughts - too busy running away - that I hadn’t even noticed Martin hyung was there. Which was honestly impressive, considering the guy was over 190 cm tall.
Like… damn.
Martin hyung stood up from where he’d been sitting and walked over, stopping right in front of me.
“Didn’t think I’d scare you that much,” he said, a small grin tugging at his lips. “But seriously what happened? You look kind of… I don’t know. Sad?”
I’d been expecting the question, but it still caught me off guard. I flinched slightly before answering.
“Nah, it’s nothing,” I said, waving it off. “Just exhausted. I think I overworked myself a bit today.”
It was only half a lie - but I didn’t need to tell him the whole thing. Especially not when I’d only just admitted it to myself a few hours ago.
He studied me for a moment, eyes sharp in a way that made my stomach twist, like he could tell I wasn’t being completely honest. But he didn’t push.
“Okay,” he said finally. “If you say so.”
He stepped back and grabbed his jacket.
“I’m heading to the convenience store,” he added. “Want anything?”
“Banana milk,” I replied knowing the fact that when he returns back to the dorm I’d probably be asleep.
He chuckled. “Got it.”
After he left, I lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
Somewhere along the way, I’d fallen too deep - into feelings I didn’t plan on having, feelings I didn’t even know how to name out loud.
I wondered when liking him had stopped feeling harmless.
My thoughts spiraled until exhaustion finally won.
I told myself I’d deal with it tomorrow.
And as the door opened and closed somewhere in the dorm, I drifted into sleep - too tired to care who it was, too tired to keep pretending this didn’t matter.