Chapter Text
when he touches you,
you’ll wonder how he keeps his hands so soft
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Han Taesan was painfully aware that he was doomed. In fact, his mind would rather let him do anything but forget about that fact, constantly misguiding his thoughts back to the starry-eyed variable that was causing his persistent disarray.
Whether it was in the producing room, when writing lyrics turned into senseless doodling as he pondered about the scent of Leehan’s shampoo, or on sleepless nights where he couldn’t shake the image of the youngers naturally curly hair, (which in Taesan’s opinion was gorgeous, despite Leehan’s disagreement), Taesan’s mind was plagued with none other than Kim Donghyun.
Ever since that pivotal day 3 years ago, when amidst the stifling confines of the practice room when he’d accidentally brushed hands with Leehan, Taesan hasn’t been able to shake the ever-lingering electricity that sparks inside of him when he thinks about the younger.
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After the final debut lineup had been confirmed, the relentless cycle of singing and dancing practice began and seemingly never ended, both the members and the company wanting Boynextdoor’s debut to be seamless, the extreme hours of work only being a necessity to achieving such a meticulous goal.
It was on a random, frigid Tuesday evening when Taesan first felt the spark.
It wasn’t immediately noticeable, it didn’t entirely consume him in the moment, rather it was a small yet palpable pocket of warmth that resided deep inside of the boy, that would, unbeknownst to Taesan, only continue to grow as the years went on.
The late stages of November were starting to have an effect on the outside world, trees outside only just beginning to bare themselves from their leaves, shedding the now fully brown bundles of nature as the frosted air grew colder, something Taesan begrudgingly noticed as he had felt a persistent chill during his walk to the company earlier in the day, his thin jumper that proved sufficient enough during the summer now only doing little to fend off the cold.
By the time the glaringly bright digital clock on the wall read 9, the members were on their 5th rerun of their title track ‘One and only’, although to Taesan it felt like they’d been there for days. By now the tiredness of the late hour was beginning to seep into the members, present through small mistakes and increasingly noticeable delays in the choreography.
Taesan swore on the ethical guidelines of company that his legs would literally turn to jelly if he had to do any more dancing, so when Jaehyun loudly exclaimed that this rerun would be their last, and to “go full out if you want to do well!” , he let out a lethargic sigh of relief, the fact that he could go home soon pushing him through the final song.
Well, at least until about halfway through.
As the song progressed to its second pre-chorus, Taesan was exhausted. The long hours of persistent dancing were finally catching up with him, and he was more than ready to head home and collapse into his bed. Exhaustion was coursing through his veins, the energy drink he’d chugged previously, much to the company’s dismay, finally running out of power to fuel Taesan’s body, places where energy had previously flourished being replaced with nothing but fatigue.
Throughout the song, Taesan’s focus had slowly slipped away, his body moving on autopilot as he allowed his mind to drift unconsciously, brainstorming about new song lyrics, imagining the relief he’d feel when he would finally be allowed to go home as he mustered up the energy to push through the remainder of the song.
That was, until he felt something slightly shorter, slightly smaller than him pang into his shoulder, followed by an unfamiliar warmth on his hand that pulled away within seconds. Jerking back from the contact, Taesan was forced to draw away from his thoughts with a grunt of both surprise and mild pain as he clutched his shoulder, suddenly hyper-aware of his surroundings as his overtired eyes scanned the room to see if anyone else was hurt.
There was little weight behind the force that touched him, in fact, Taesan wouldn’t have noticed the interaction had happened at all if not for the slight ache in his shoulder. When he turned his head to meet the apologetic eyes of none other than Kim Leehan, all the exhaustion infused confusion in him melted away into something else. Something distant and unconventional, something Taesan had never felt before, yet he didn’t feel the need to run from the feeling. No, rather he embraced it without hesitation, allowing the interaction to unconsciously replay in his head.
All Taesan could think about was Leehan’s smooth hands on his; reliving the exact moment when well-kept, confident fingers met the bitten-down, uncertain terrain of his own, the connection between the two opposites being enough to ignite something new in Taesan, despite the moment being no more than a second. Not even a minute of contact and he was head over heels for someone he’d known for at least 2 years as nothing more than a friend, someone he’d shared uncomfortable secrets with, the boy he'd pulled faces at while they were getting scolded by their manager for sneaking out at ungodly hours. That very same Kim Leehan was the one who was turning Taesan’s brain to mush, an abundance of thoughts invading his mind, every single one about Leehan and his unnecessarily soft hands.
‘Damn, does he moisturise?’
‘I mean, there’s no way he doesn’t with hands that soft, right?’
‘Wait, why do I even care- ‘
“Dongmin-ah?”
The deep yet soft-spoken voice silenced Taesan’s thoughts, reminding the boy that he was, in fact in the middle of a dance practice, and when he looked around at the stationary positions of the members, he realised that he’d stopped dancing completely, the others looking at him with a mix of concern and uncertainty.
Taking the perplexed look on Taesan’s silent face as a prompt to carry on, Leehan continued,
“Are you hurt? I didn’t mean to bump into you, that’s my bad.”
The words processed slower than usual in Taesan’s mind, focusing more on the dulcet tone of Leehan’s voice that made any chorus of words sound like a perfectly crafted sonnet, the meaning behind the younger’s question being lost behind the thick, rose-tinted fog in Taesan’s mind as he mustered up a lack-luster response, wanting to end the conversation as quickly as it started.
“N-no, I’m alright.”
The tender, gentle smile that Taesan received in response knocked all the remaining air out of his already winded lungs, crescent shaped eyes filled with authenticity and a hint of worry, almost as if Leehan didn’t believe Taesan’s mumbled confirmation of adequacy as he nodded slower than usual, a hint of hesitation in his movements as Leehan patted him on the shoulder and went to grab a drink, leaving Taesan frozen and dumbfounded in the middle of the room, forced to face the inconsistent whirlwind of his feelings on his own as the members called it a day, filing out of the studio one by one, Leehan lingering for a little before leaving himself.
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For the 730 days that followed, Taesan spent most of them coming to terms with his overwhelmingly obvious attraction to Leehan, navigating the new, love infused paths of his mind with caution, and a newfound sense of conviction.
Even now, as Taesan sat quietly in the producing room, with Woonhak and Jaehyun having gone to get drinks for everyone, he found his focus drifting back to Leehan, dwelling on a crush that would never leave the confines of his fantasies, feelings that would never be reciprocated from the pure-hearted younger, who Taesan was sure saw him as nothing more than a best friend.
The chances of Leehan having any romantic attraction to Taesan were extremely low, not only due to the strict no dating policy of the company, but also because Taesan had no idea If Leehan actually liked men in that way, only causing him to suppress his feelings even more in the fear of being judged by Leehan and the other members, not wanting to ruin the strong, unwavering bond between the 6 of them.
With a sigh of defeated fatigue, Taesan returned his eyes to the disorderly sheet of lyrics in front of him, the paper adorned with illegible scribbles where ideas had been proposed and shut down not long after, Woonhak’s doodles having more consistency than hours of song writing.
‘Might aswell brainstorm some ideas before they come back’, Taesan mumbled to himself, scrawling down whatever came to his mind that somewhat resembled a song, making a discrepancy of words into decently structured verses as he wrote about dark brown curls of silk, each strand falling perfectly over a porcelain face with large, genuine eyes that glistened with every movement, and suddenly all he could think about was Leehan, with his voice that could sooth even the most tumultuous of babies when he sung. Leehan, who always made sure that Taesan was okay when he was quieter than usual in an interview, even if he couldn’t ask him outwardly.
Taesan’s mind was filled with thoughts of Leehan, an uncontrollable wave of thought that was reflected in his songwriting, each lyric being about the boy that he was, admittedly, head over heels for.
Leehan
Donghyun
Kim Donghyun
A soft knock sounded at the door, in which Taesan made no attempt to answer, assuming it was just Jaehyun and Woonhak returning with drinks as he continued writing.
“Taesan-ah?”
Taesan’s hand froze mid-sentence, his mind and body registering the presence, which was now entering the room, at the same time as he scrambled to hide the lyrics he was writing.
“Leehan! Sorry, I – uh wasn’t expecting you.” Taesan mumbled, still trying, and failing, to find a discreet place to put the now crumpled piece of paper he was holding.
“Did I startle you?” Leehan began with a light chuckle, “I just wanted to see how you were getting on, Jaehyun hyung told me you guys were struggling with lyrics.” A small yet sincere smile played on his face as he glanced at Taesan’s desk, eyes locking directly with the unkept lyrics sheet.
“Cool! Is that your ideas? Can I see?” Without even waiting for a response from Taesan, Leehan reached for the sheet, grabbing it despite Taesan’s arguments of disapproval.
Shit, Taesan thought as he watched Leehan’s eyes scan the lyrics, reading every single one of his thoughts, every single line about Leehan written down on a piece of paper that was in his hands.
Taesan was doomed. Even more doomed than he already was for his attraction to Leehan. He watched as the man he’d been pining over for the last two years read each lyric Taesan wrote about him, a pit of visceral anxiety pooling in his stomach as he studied the younger’s unreadable expression, waiting for any sign of disgust, confusion, or even acceptance on his face.
Leehan cleared his throat, evidently having finished reading, and looked up to meet Taesan, the corners of his lips turning up slightly as he smiled warmly, handing the sheet back to Taesan.
“Wow Taesan-ah, these are really good! I mean, seriously, I can’t believe Jaehyun said you guys were struggling.” Leehan praised enthusiastically, no sign of judgement in his statement.
Taesan waited, only for a second, to see if Leehan would address the fact that the lyrics were unmistakeably about him. Theres no way he didn’t realise, right? Maybe he wasn’t mentioning it for the sake of Taesan’s dignity, which he appreciates, sure, but he’d like the chance to explain himself if Leehan did realise the lyrics were about him.
In Taesan’s silence, Leehan spoke again, yet this time, his smile faded ever so slightly, a barely noticeable change, yet one that spoke a million words at once.
“You must have someone really special to you for you to be able to write about them like this. I had no idea.”
There was a tightness to his words that wasn’t there before, like something was playing on his mind, annoying him. Did he know? Was he weirded out by Taesan’s infatuation with him?
Taesan’s mind ran over a dozen possibilities for Leehan’s sudden change in attitude and only came to one conclusion every time: it was disgust. It had to be, what other explanation was there for such a drastic change after he realised what Taesan was writing about?
This was bad. Really bad. What would he tell the other members? That Taesan was an obsessive freak who had a massive crush on one of his co-workers? He’d be kicked out of the group. None of the others would talk to him, surely. Especially Leehan.
He would never be able to hear Leehan’s voice ever again. No more stupid inside jokes, no more movie nights where the other would force him to watch some dumb rom-con movie that he’d end up enjoying, though he’d never admit it to Leehan.
He’d ruined everything, and he needed to get out. Now. He had to leave before Leehan could speak again, before he could end their friendship for good and threaten to never speak to him again.
“I have to go.” Taesan managed to force out before grabbing his jacket from the chair, taking one last look at Leehan’s now dumfounded face before taking the lyric sheet from his hand and stumbling out the door like a complete fool, like a criminal running away from a scene of complete destruction they’d just created.
As he hurried away from the producing room and made a beeline for his dorm, he heard a faint shout from Leehan, calling his name as Taesan got further away, not daring to look back as he ignored what had happened, running away from his problems like they would disappear without another second.
He just had to get home, then he could think it all over, or maybe pretend like it ever happened, he wasn’t sure yet. He didn’t have to be, it’s not like it would make a difference. However when he turned the corner to leave the building, he ran into Woonhak and Jaehyun, both carrying an assortment of snacks and drinks as they entered.
“Oh, Taesan hyung? Where are you going?” Woonhak inquired, evidently dumbfounded at the sight of Taesan practically sprinting out of the company building like there was a fire.
Taesan didn’t humour him with a reply, it’s not like there was much point as Leehan would tell him everything when they saw him anyways, instead choosing to speed up his pace as the cool air of the winter season hit him comfortably, momentarily encasing his body in a pool of tranquillity as he took a second to breathe.
“Taesan?” He heard Jaehyun ask, the leader’s voice laced with concern as he desperately tried to figure out what was wrong, exchanging a confused look with an equally in the dark Woonhak.
Finally reaching the street, Taesan flagged down a taxi, collapsing into the backseat as the reality of what happened truly dawned on him, replaying his interaction with Leehan the entire car ride, which for once, didn’t induce the normal heart-fluttering butterflies that normally came when he thought about the younger.
Arriving at the dorms after what felt like years, he hurriedly unlocked the door, hovering in the hallway after he’d entered.
It’s not like he feared rejection, no, he was more scared of losing his friends, of losing Leehan.
Rejection was something Taesan had been preparing himself for ever since his feelings began. He knew that nothing would become of them, yet he was also painfully aware that they wouldn’t just disappear overnight, so he instead found solace in admiring Leehan in a new, much more romantic light, wondering what could be if they weren’t idols together, if things were different.
He often imagined spending their youth together, free and unrestrained by the chartered rules of the company, Leehan dragging him on sentimental dates together to every aquarium in the area where he’d describe every fish they see in detail, in which Taesan would listen, actually listen, watching the way Leehan’s eyes sparkle with excitement when he remembers a fish fact he’d told him weeks ago. They would be unknown, unwatched, untouched by the critical eyes of the public, left alone to embrace the raw, vulnerable concept of love together.
It was liberating to imagine a life together with Leehan, a luxury he’d never be able to have, not if he wants to continue doing something he loves, because despite all the restrictions of being an idol, he still has an utmost passion for music, something he doesn’t want to lose over his own, uncontrollable feelings.
It was pathetic, Taesan told himself, as he threw himself onto his bed haphazardly, forgetting to take his shoes off in his daze of embarrassment. He heard the distant buzz of his phone, assuming it was Leehan asking if he was okay, like he always does, because he just has to care so much about Taesan in every way possible. Every way except the way Taesan wants.
As the buzzing continued, Taesan groaned into his pillow, knowing that doing as much as even looking at the messages would mean he had to face questions. Questions he’d have to answer, he’d have to admit to his crush on Leehan, to tell all the members that for the past 2 years he’d been hiding such a prominent secret from them, breaking their trust in an unsalvageable way.
With a sigh of exhaustion, Taesan rolled onto his back, kicking off his shoes as the weight of the day finally caught up with him. He finally allowed his eyes to close as a wave of calm overtook his overtired body, the clouded walls of his mind fading into background noise as he lulled into sleep.
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