Chapter Text
It had been one month and twenty-three days since he had last spoken to Cas.
Dean’s eyes blurred where they were focused on the ceiling. It had been a while, him just lying in bed, looking up. If he closed his eyes, he saw Cas’, watery blue, tears spilling. So, he didn’t. He stared at the ceiling till his eyes burned.
This was the longest they had gone without talking to each other. Without seeing each other.
Dean sighed. He was starting to get a headache. He reached an arm out to his nightstand, grabbing his phone.
7.17 PM.
He had to get a move on if he wanted to make it to the bar on time. Well, he didn’t want to, but Charlie had threatened to come over and drag him there herself if she didn’t see him, so he needed to.
He’d been in bed the whole day. That’s really all he did these days. Came home from work, threw something frozen in the microwave, had a few bottles of beer and lay down on the couch or in bed.
He’d been barely getting by for the past two months. The guys at the garage tip-toed around him, afraid he’d burst at the slightest trigger. His friends tried to get him to hang out, and he’d tried a couple of times, but his heart just wasn’t in it. All he wanted to do was wallow. And that’s what he would’ve done all day every day, if it hadn’t been for his annoying family.
Sam had called him disgusting, walking into his apartment one day unannounced, looking around at the empty beer bottles on the floor, crusty dishes in the sink.
It smells like something died in here dude.
Hey I didn’t call you here; he’d tried to retort, but he knew his brother wasn’t wrong. Sam had just rolled his eyes, gathering the bottles to put them in the recycling, opening his windows to air his apartment out.
If I don’t see you here on Sunday, so help me god, boy, you won’t know what’s coming for you.
Bobby had yelled at him over the phone when he hadn’t shown up for dinner three weeks in a row. He got a earful for dodging his and Jody’s calls, and another because Sam had snitched to them about his apartment, the little bitch.
But when he did show up, eyes red and sunken in, Jody had pulled him into a hug; a long one. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, and he knew it was okay to let them fall in front of Jody.
The pitiful glances over at him around the dinner table made him want to scream. But they were smart enough to not talk about what happened.
It was like he was going though a breakup, and everyone was walking on eggshells around him. And that was stupid, wasn’t it? It wasn’t a break up. He hadn’t been in a relationship with Cas, he’d made that much clear. The thought made his chest ache. God, he was so stupid.
Anytime he thought about Cas, which was all the time, it hurt. The sound of the door slamming as Cas had walked out of his apartment for the last time still echoed in his ears when he thought too hard about it. The memory of Cas sobbing, because of him; it still haunted his dreams. He couldn’t believe he had hurt his best friend so bad with his selfishness, but he had.
And it was too late to do anything about it.
He missed Cas. More than he ever thought possible. He never thought they would end up like this, him and Cas. They were always solid.
It was all his fault.
He wished he could just curl up in bed and go to sleep, but he knew Charlie would make good on her threat. He pushed the covers off himself, sighing once again. He could do this.
He just needed to shower first. He really did smell like death.
As he pulled into the parking lot in front of the Roadhouse, he spotted Charlie standing outside by the door, phone in hand.
He got out, barely getting the door shut before she was on him, arms around his neck.
“Dean you made it! I was just about to call you” she squealed.
“Didn’t think I had much of a choice” he replied, voice gruff.
She smiled up at him, faux innocence on her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”
“Whatever” he huffed “Let’s get this over with” he walked towards the entrance, when Charlie walked in front of him, stopping him.
“Umm, so update” she said laughing nervously, eyes not meeting his “Cas is here”
That made him pause, had him rooted to the spot. He swallowed hard.
“What?” It came out a little too breathy.
“I didn’t say anything ‘cause I wasn’t sure if he’d come, and then he did show up and it was too late to say anything and I figured I could give you a heads up and-” Charlie rambled, voice climbing up in pitch.
He wasn’t listening to her, mind fixated on one thing. Cas was here. His throat was dry. He could feel the panic rising up inside. Cas was here. He wasn’t ready. He couldn’t face him, not after how things ended between them.
“Dean” Charlie’s hand on his arm brought him back to reality.
He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Charlie, I don’t think this is-“
“Dean” she said again, more firm this time “You guys can’t avoid each other forever. You have the same friends and we love both of you. We want both of you to be happy”
“Charlie, I can’t”
“You can. And you will” softer now, like she was comforting a crying toddler “Apologize to him Dean. He deserves that much from you”
He knew she was right.
Charlie looped her arm through his, holding him tight to her side, like she wasn’t sure he wouldn’t try to make a run for it. She guided them towards the entrance, and he took the small comfort she offered.
They paused just inside, like Charlie could sense that he needed it. He looked over at the table his friends were sitting around as a big laugh went up from the group, and his breath caught in his throat.
Cas. He had a small smile on his face, looking over at Garth who was animatedly waving his arms around. He looked good. Really good. Definitely better than he’d looked the last time Dean had seen him. He could feel the guilt return, gnawing at him.
He felt Charlie squeeze his arm, a look in her eyes that reiterated what she’d said earlier. Apologize.
They made their way over to the table, and Dean could feel his face heating up as the conversation came to a sudden halt, all eyes on him. He tried to smile, but it came out painful and awkward.
“Look who showed up” Meg raised an eyebrow at him, sneer on her face. God, he hated her. He couldn’t help but notice how Cas turned to glare at her. Though Cas still avoided looking at him. He didn’t know whether he was hurt or thankful for it.
Sam coughed, trying to break the tension. “Saved you a seat” he nodded over at the chair next to him.
Without a word, Dean took it, dropping down into it with a huff. Looking up, he cursed Sam silently in his head. He was right across from Cas.
Maybe sensing the awkwardness at the table, Garth launched into his story with new found vigour. Charlie slid into the three-person booth next to Cas, and Dean glared at her, feeling betrayed. Charlie shrugged, mouthing a silent sorry.
Dean tried to listen to what they were talking about, the others adding their own anecdotes, but he couldn’t focus. His eyes kept wandering over to Cas, who refused to so much as glance in his direction. He felt like he was being punished; and he knew he deserved it.
His mind raced. Charlie was right. He owed Cas an apology, of course he did.
Over the past months, he had thought over and over again about how he would do it. He thought about sending Cas a text, last text sent over two months ago; I’m sorry. He thought about calling Cas, voice raw, begging; I’m sorry. He thought about showing up at Cas’ door, getting down on his knees, and begging for forgiveness; I’m sorry.
But he had done none of that. He was an idiot.
Maybe this was a good thing, them being here together now. Maybe this was when he could finally do what he should have done all those months ago. Maybe today was the day Cas would start talking to him again.
Ellen walked over, tray stacked with beer held in her arms.
“Here y’all go” she smiled down at the group. Her eyes landed on Dean, and she narrowed them.
Dean smiled awkwardly at her. He’d been dodging her calls too. She raised an eyebrow at him, opening her mouth as if to ask him where the hell he’d been but he shook his head at her slightly. She narrowed her eyes even sharper, but thankfully she didn’t say anything else.
She slid the tray on the table in front of Meg and Cas, before nodding once at the table and walking away. He knew he’d have to go talk to her before she dragged his ass off the chair.
Meg picked up a couple of beers, passing them around, and Cas followed suit. Dean took a shot, reaching out to grab a bottle from him, their fingertips brushing. Even from the minimal touch, he could feel the warmth he missed, a jolt going down his spine. Cas’ eyes snapped up to his for the first time that night, for the first time in months, and Dean’s breath caught in his throat. How he’d missed those electric blues. Cas jerked his hand back, almost dropping the bottle, but Dean caught it before it could spill on the table. Fuck.
Dean swallowed large gulps of beer, trying to calm his nerves. He could do it. He would do it. After this beer. And maybe one more after that.
The conversation around them kept flowing, the questions turning to Sam’s engagement, and he’d worked up the nerve, he really had, when he noticed Cas’ eyes drifting to the door, widening. He saw Meg choking on the sip of beer she had just taken, Charlie’s mouth falling open slightly.
What the hell?
Before he could turn around to see what was going on, a voice he had hoped to never hear again spoke up behind him.
“I’m not too late, am I?”
Dean took a deep breath, hand clenching tighter around the glass bottle.
Fuck.
“Mick” Meg’s eyes were fixed behind him, barely controlled glee on her face “Clarence didn’t say anything about you coming tonight”
“I wasn’t sure I would make it myself. Had some work to take care of. I had mentioned it to Sam” his pompous British accent said, and Dean could feel his jaw clicking.
At the mention of his name, Sam turned around, smiling politely, nodding at Mick, who returned his greeting.
“Well don’t just stand there” Meg said, sliding out of her seat next to Cas. Dean could swear she was looking right at him now. “Sit down” she pointed to the empty seat.
“Please” Mick walked over, pulling a chair from an empty table nearby “Don’t move on my account”
“Nonsense” she grabbed the chair from him, squeezing in next to Benny “I insist”
Dean was going to stab her. He was going to stab her dead.
An awkward silence descended on the table for the second time that night, and Dean wanted to scream. This guy had no right being here, pressed up against Cas. He had no right. He felt Sam kicking him under the table. Turning to the side glare at him, he was greeted with an expression he was all too familiar with. Behave. Dean rolled his eyes.
It took a few minutes for everyone to start talking again. Dean stayed silent, glaring at anyone who looked over in his direction. He wanted to throw up looking at the pair sitting right across from him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sam looking over at him periodically, as if to check on him. He wanted to punch him.
His friends were talking, laughing around him as if his world wasn’t falling apart.
He reached his limit when he saw Mick lean over, whispering something in Cas’ ear. Cas returned a soft smile, the one that had been for Dean, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to leave.
His chair scraped along the floor as he stood up, ignoring the glare Sam threw his way. He stomped over to the bar, where Jo was tending,
“Long time no see” she greeted him, leaning against the bar.
“I need whiskey” he barked at her.
“Not unless you say please” she tried to tease, but the glare he sent her way must’ve told her he wasn’t in the mood to play around.
“Geez, alright, whiskey comin’ up” she muttered, turning back to the shelves.
“The hell’s going on Winchester?” Dean groaned, shifting to look at Ellen towering over him, arms crossed across her chest “Don’t you groan at me”
“Not now Ellen”
“You don’t show up for a month and now it’s not now Ellen?” she arched an eyebrow.
When he didn’t respond, she turned over to look at his group of friends, the traitors laughing along with the new British dick.
“What did you do Dean” Ellen sighed, voice lower now, eyes shifting over to Cas.
“Fucked up big time” was all Dean had to offer, before Jo slid a glass of whiskey towards him, frown on her face. He downed half the glass in one gulp, the burn a welcome distraction.
Ellen shook her head at him, watching their table for a couple of seconds more, before patting Dean on the back. “Figure it out Dean” she said, before walking away when it was clear he wasn’t going to offer any more information.
The stool next to him heaved as his giant of a brother dropped into it.
“Dean you’re being rude” he sighed.
“I don’t give a fuck Sam” he growled into his empty glass.
Sam sighed again, going silent. After a few minutes, he braved a question. “Have you talked to Cas? After um… everything”
Dean turned to face him fully, glare solely focused on Sam now.
“He won’t even look at me. What do you think?”
Sam nodded, hunching over on the stool, appearing smaller. Dean flagged Jo down for another glass.
He frowned as he heard Meg’s grating voice all the way across the bar. His frown turned even deeper when he heard a newer voice laughing in response.
“Who invited that prick anyway?” Dean asked between sips of his whiskey.
He saw Sam gulp, his eyes quickly shifting away from Dean, focusing on the floor now. He knew that look. That was Sam’s guilty face.
If Sam was the one, oh so help me god.
“Cas probably” Sam shrugged. It was so fake, Dean could see right through him.
“Cas barely knows the guy. They talked like once months ago”
Sam looked back at him before dropping his eyes again.
“Well, funny story” he started “Mick asked me if he could have Cas’ number, Cas said okay, so I gave it to him. Guess they’ve been talking” another shrug.
The glass he was holding almost slipped out from his hand. Dean slammed it onto the counter before turning his full wrath on Sam.
“You little bitch” Dean did punch him this time.
“Ow Dean what the fuck” Sam jumped up from the stool, rubbing his shoulder “Stop being a jerk”
“Why the fuck would you do that?”
“Why do you care?’ Sam was glaring at him now, mad too.
“Fuck you mean why do I care?” Dean was breathing hard.
“Its not like you and Cas were together. I gave a single friend another single friend’s number, as far as I know. So again, why do you care?”
Damn lawyers.
Dean drained the last drops of alcohol from his glass before signaling for a third.
“I think you’ve had enough Dean” Sam’s voice was starting to get on his nerves.
“You don’t tell me what to do”
“Dean” Sam tried again, an arm on Dean’s shoulder, which he promptly shrugged off.
“He’s right Dean. You’ve had enough”
Where the hell had Ellen come from?
She was standing behind the bar now, hands on her hips. “We’re cutting you off”
Fine if that’s what they wanted, he’d find another bar to serve to him.
“And don’t you even think about leaving in that car” she dangled a familiar set of keys in front of his face.
“How did you-“
“I’m not having you wrapping yourself ‘round a tree” she sniffed. “You’re staying the night upstairs”
“Or you can come home with me” Sam offered unhelpfully.
“I aint going nowhere with you, traitor” Dean slurred slightly. He was still good to drive though. He always took care of baby.
Sam huffed out a breath, jaw clenched. “You know what Dean” he glared down at him “Call me when you grow up”. With that he stormed off.
“Oh yea? Don’t hold your breath Sammy” Dean called out after him, watching as he walked back up to the table that was half empty now. How long had he been up here? His eyes scanned the seats and he felt his stomach drop when he noticed Cas and the Brit were no longer there. He was definitely going to throw up.
Ellen’s couch was too short for him, his feet dangling off the end, but he barely noticed. She had finally dragged him upstairs past midnight when he was still sat moping at the bar, after downing two more beers Jo had snuck him without Ellen noticing. She forced him to gulp down a glass of water before throwing a blanket on the sofa and telling him to stop being an idiot.
He stared up at the ceiling. It looked almost identical to the one he had back in his room, every square inch almost etched into his memory at this point.
It had been one month and twenty-four days since he had last spoken to Cas.