Chapter Text
I waved goodbye to my parents from the train’s window. They waved back apprehensively as the train started rolling forward. Lots of people were nervous to return to Hogwarts this year. Families understandably wanted to stay together or leave Britain entirely. Mother suggested it when we were reading the Daily Prophet one morning. We could go to America where her family was. But with my father’s work and my OWL’s completed, we decided to stay. Hogwarts would be the safest place anyway, with Dumbledore there.
I couldn’t help but feel excited despite everything else going on. This year we’d be starting our NEWT’s. School would be different this year. My classes would feel like they had a purpose. I could start working towards my goal of becoming a healer.
I moved away from the window as the train began to leave the station. I turned down the hallway to find my friends and nearly collided into Draco Malfoy.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” I said, taking a hurried step back. This close, I could detect a woodsy, pine scent emanating from him.
His dark, bored eyes looked me up and down, taking in my muggle sun dress. I hadn’t had a chance to change into my school robes yet. His eyes lingered on the thin straps at my shoulders. But then he looked away and continued past me wordlessly, not even acknowledging my ‘I’m sorry’. His usual entourage followed behind him including Blaise Zabini and Pansy Parkinson. They scoffed in annoyance as they moved around me. How utterly predictable. Shaking my head, I stepped forward again in the opposite direction to find my friends’ compartment.
“There you are!” I was pulled into a hasty and sloppy kiss. I stood there frozen, more surprised than anything as Ernie Macmillan finally pulled away. “Come on, we found an empty compartment here” he said, pulling me in. “I’ve thought about you all summer.
An uneasy, guilty feeling washed over me. I hadn’t been thinking about him. Our fling at the end of 5th year had been just that: a fling.
Hannah Abbott greeted us in the compartment. “Justin went to find the trolley cart. He should be back soon.” she said cheerfully.
“I’ll be back shortly too.” Ernie added. “I got this letter from a Professor Slughorn asking me to join him in his train cart for something.” He held up the note with an apprehensive look on his face. “Slughorn? Must be this year’s new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. Dunno why he’d want to see me.” Shrugging he pulled me into another hasty kiss before stepping back out. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Wait so, are you two an item now?” Hannah asked me curiously when the doors closed.
“Uhhh, I guess that’s what it looks like, doesn’t it?”
“You don’t look so sure.” she added, tilting her head. “Did something happen last year?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I mean we hooked up a couple times at the end of last year. After the excitement of Dumbledore’s Army meetups, then with the excitement of finishing O.W.L exams and the public finally acknowledging You-Know-Who's return. I don’t know, we just hooked up. Not knowing whether anyone would be back at Hogwarts this year. Not knowing if we’d all be dead and not wanting to die a virgin. That sort of thing. When we said goodbye at the end of term, nothing was different between us being friends.” the words spilled out of my mouth in a jumble, trying to get her to understand.
“Well, he sure seems to think so” Hannah laughed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know, we didn’t really have a chance to talk without anyone else around. And I didn’t really want to write about it and send an owl.”
“Well tell me about it now! Quick before Justin gets back!”
“It was fine, I guess. I don’t know if it’s just because we were inexperienced, or if we just don’t have chemistry together. It didn’t feel ‘magical’.
Hannah pursed her lips in thought. “It could just be from the nerves and inexperience. Add that with the long summer absence and your initial reactions have just been amplified. What are you going to do about it?”
“I have no idea.” I said falling into the seat beside her and putting my head in my hands. “I don’t really want this, but I don’t want to hurt him! Maybe my expectations are too high. My mom has quite the collection of muggle romance books. I spent the summer indulging in some during our travels. These books are probably just a lie anyway.”
“What do they say?” she asked curiously.
“Uhhhh, maybe it’s better if you just read it to yourself.” I laughed. Here, I actually took a few of my favorites with me as a guilty pleasure.” I pulled a small, paper-back book from my bag with a dark cover. “I charmed the cover so it looks like a notebook” I explained sheepishly. “I’m not so sure I should give this to you,” I said, holding it back.
“What? Why?”
“It’s not some literary work of art. Just reminding you it’s a guilty pleasure read. So no making fun of me, deal?”
“Deal!”
“And I hope this doesn’t set you up for disappointment too.”
“No, no it’s fine, gimme!” She snatched the book from my hands and quickly stuffed it into her bag as Justin opened the compartment door carrying as many treats as he could carry.
I jumped up to help him before anything fell on the floor. He did this every year. I understood though. Justin was muggle born. And by the time summer ended he had intense cravings for all of his favorite wizarding snacks.
Ernie returned eventually and regaled us with everything that happened in Slughorn’s compartment.
“I guess he wanted to have a meet and greet with students with important relatives or what not” he said pompously. “Wants to help us make connections, help us pursue careers, that sort of thing.”
“Who all was there?” Justin asked
He sounded prideful to me. Already picking favorites based on external factors, not actually basing it off personality or merit. Ernie kept rambling on, answering Justin’s endless questions with that self-important air he sometimes possessed. I rolled my eyes at Hannah, out of sight of the two boys. She laughed silently and we continued our journey to Hogwarts.
The back-to-school feast was uneventful, save for Harry Potter showing up late and covered in blood. Typical I laughed to myself, not even surprised. I was able to avoid any more awkward encounters with Ernie as the whole house traveled together from the feast to the common room. I had an inkling he wanted to linger a while longer in the common room, but I needed to think over how to reestablish our friendship relationship without hurting his feelings. I couldn’t just rush it. “Well, I’m tired from the long day. I will head off to bed” I announced and dashed off to bed after Hannah.
At breakfast the next morning, I considered just giving him a chance. We were friends first after all, so we should be able to talk to each other like normal. And it wouldn’t be fair to not see if there could be anything more after the long break away. I felt more at ease as we got to joking about our summer holidays and the others eventually joined us at the Hufflepuff table.
Towards the end of breakfast, Professor Sprout approached each of us one by one to discuss our career prospects and create schedules.
“Now Miss, I have here you were aspiring to become a Healer according to our interview at the end of last year? Is that still the path you will be pursuing?”
“Yes Professor.”
“Oh excellent.” said Professor Sprout. “And I see here you received all the necessary O.W.L.’s to continue on at the N.E.W.T. level in Herbology, Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, and Defense Against the Dark Arts.”
Thank goodness for Dumbledore’s Army or I would never have received my E in Defense Against the Dark Arts. I was always too nervous when it came to those types of spells.
“Professor Sprout, I was wondering if you were able to arrange the shadowing option we discussed at the end of last year?”
“Ah yes. Madam Pomfrey is quite pleased with the idea of having an aide to assist her and mentor this year. Now here are the required classes for your NEWTs that will be added to your schedule.” She pulled out a piece of parchment and tapped it gently with her wand. “As you can see, NEWT level classes are long, but meet less often, leaving needed room for studying, electives, or other areas of exploration in your schedules. Are there any other extracurriculars or electives that need to be added? We will fit in your Hospital Wing rotations around that.”
“No Ma’am. I’m eager to spend as much time in the hospital wing as I can.”
She responded with a soft smile. “I’m pleased to hear that. Although, I think it would be wise to leave some breaks in your schedule for studying and homework.
“Perhaps, 3 times a week then?”
“Very well. That is very reasonable. Herbology and charms meet twice a week, those two morning classes are shorter. She tapped my parchment again and more lettering was added. “You have breaks in your schedule each day. 3 have been filled with time in the Hospital Wing. We should leave some open for studying and homework. How does this look?” She slid the parchment in front of me.
M - AM: Hospital Wing. Lunch Break. PM: Double DADA
T - AM: Herbology, Charms. Lunch. Break. PM: Study Break
W - AM: Hospital Wing. Lunch Break. PM: Double Transfiguration
H - AM: Herbology, Charms. Lunch Break. PM: Study Break
F - AM: Double Potions. Lunch Break. PM: Hospital Wing
“That’s perfect Professor, thank you!” I looked up beaming.
“Excellent. Please don’t hesitate to speak with me should any problems arise.” And she turned to Ernie to start on him.
I decided to take the opportunity of a distracted Ernie and head for the hospital wing now. Pulling on my bag, I excused myself from the table and left the great hall. I felt another stab of guilt as I ascended the stairs. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He was just trying to continue whatever he thought could be happening here. Gahhh, I put my hand to my head trying to make a decision. He was nice, usually. Though I swore his arrogance could rival most Slytherins if he got into a mood. I had no good reason to not want to be in this relationship though. But instead of excitement, I just wanted to run away. What was wrong with me? I didn’t know how to just go back to being friends though. I’m being silly. I’m sure I’m just feeling uncomfortable because this is new and it’s been a whole summer of no contact. I just needed to smile and eventually the awkwardness I felt would go away, right?
I decided to put it out of my mind for now. That’s future me’s problem. Because I had arrived at the hospital wing and I was equal parts excited and nervous to start learning from Madam Pomfrey. She had not taken students to mentor before. I don’t think anyone has ever asked.
“Madam Pomfrey?” I called upon entering the hospital wing. It appeared empty. The witch came bustling out of her office to the right of the entrance.
“Oh, how wonderful to see you my dear.” she said clapping her hands. “I’m thrilled to have you under my tutelage for the next two years. It will be nice to have an extra set of hands around here. Tell me, what first drew you to the healer profession?”
“Well madam, even as a young girl, I’ve always wanted to help people. I hate the thought of anyone suffering, physically or emotionally. Even if it’s someone I don’t get on with, I wouldn’t wish them pain. I want to help people. I believe the muggle saying, hurt people, hurt people.”
“Hurt people hurt people?” She asked confused, repeating the words without the correct intonation.
“Yes Ma’am,” I smiled. The idea is that those who inflict pain on others, be it physical or through words, are suffering from their own pain. Then those they hurt could continue in the same fashion, lashing out as a reaction to their pain. It’s difficult, but I wish to be the type of person who doesn’t perpetuate this cycle. Instead, help treat the pain.
“Ah yes, I think I understand what you mean. Well as you know, healing magic requires extensive knowledge in almost all areas of magic. We must understand the dark arts and the dangerous effects they have, as well as how to reverse them. Transfiguration and charms for various mishaps and accidents. Potions of course as many remedies to magical maladies are brewed. And lastly, herbology for not only the magical healing qualities and the uses both alone and as potion ingredients, but we must also be familiar with dangerous plants and the antidotes for varies exposures.”
“Yes Madam.” I smiled. “Professor Sprout arranged my classes in my schedule, allowing me 3 rotations a week with you. I’m scheduled to assist you during the morning shift on Mondays and Wednesdays, as well as the afternoon shift on Fridays.”
“Excellent. As it’s the start of term, we are lucky to have no students with us yet in the hospital wing. I usually take this time to finish preparing the room for the upcoming year. Merlin knows what we will have to go through this year” she muttered putting a hand to her forehead. “Chamber of secrets, dementors, and lets not forget the constant fake illness last year curtesy of those Weasley twins,” she scolded but I could see the smile fighting its way across her lips. “My point is my dear, although this is a school, you will see shocking things. I can’t think of a better way to prepare you for a career at St. Mungos than immersing yourself in healing while you are still here at Hogwarts. This week, we will finish preparing for the year.”
She spent the rest of the class time giving me a tour of the hospital wing. There was a large supply closet at the back that housed cupboards of ingredients to rival the potions classroom. A large cabinet held stacks of linens and pillows and various sized bandages. And in one corner stood a large black caldron with a chest containing empty potion bottles. We finished up the period with her having me practice changing the beds by magic.
“Wednesday, I will have you familiarize yourself with the stock of herbs and potion ingredients we keep on hand. You will also start refilling the low stock. We harvest directly from the greenhouses, so be well rested and ready to do some running back and forth.” she said with a teasing smile.
“Ok Madam,” I smiled back before leaving the hospital wing. I spent a happy lunch with Hannah giggling over the book I’d lent her, Apparently she had spent the entire morning break buried in it. We continued on to the first Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, feeling all cheerfulness seep out of us once we’d arrived.
Defense Against the Dark Arts had always made me nervous, but with Snape teaching, it felt terrifying. My eyes kept wandering up to the pictures of people contorting in pain due to various practices of the dark arts. My stomach clenched imagining anyone suffering under any of these tortures. This is why I forced myself through this class. So that I could help anyone who was forced to face these curses and creatures. Merlin help me, I hoped I wouldn’t be one of them in these coming days.
The lesson was particularly difficult, never having attempted a nonverbal spell before. This seemed to be a theme throughout the week. All the professors must have suddenly hated the sounds of our voices, because they all had us working on nonverbal spells.
I decided to go back to basics Thursday afternoon while sitting in the library. I would practice something simple. Something we had learned in our first years. So I sat in the library, with a piece of parchment sitting on the table in front of me. I stared at the paper for what must of been 20 minutes, wingardium leviosa, wingardium leviosa I thought over and over again. The parchment twitched and moved a few inches across the table. I sat up excitedly, only to see Malfoy sweeping closely past me to a nearby bookshelf, disturbing the air and creating the small gust of wind, that woodsy pine scent filling the air.
“Excited to see me, Hufflepuff?” drawled Malfoy with a raised eyebrow. He had looked over his shoulder towards me when I had sat up excitedly.
“Oh, no” I said hurriedly, then inwardly berated myself. Not wanting to come off mean, regardless if he was a Slytherin, I rushed to clarify. “I mean, that’s not why I sat up, I didn’t know you were there, I...”I trailed off growing more embarrassed as he turned to face me, tipping his head, a smirk spreading across his face.
“What are you looking for in this section anyway?” I stammered to fill the silence as he studied me with his grey eyes. Needing to break his piercing stare, I looked towards the bookshelf behind him containing the tomes on magical accidents and remedies. “Are you injured?”
“Perhaps I just wanted to see you squirm.” he continued with his piercing stare, that smirk still plastered to his face.
Why were my insides twisting and untwisting themselves in knots? And why were my fingers trembling? Was it because of what happened at the ministry that was making me so nervous around Malfoy? I wasn’t there, but I knew his father had been. I decided to brush off his remark and cleared my throat.
“Well, I’ve got to get going. I’ll see you in class, Malfoy.” I scooped up my belongings and darted out of the library. I headed back to the common room, trying to calm my increased heart beat and ignore the beginning tinglings of arousal.
I headed to potions the next morning with Ernie, who was the only other Hufflepuff continuing at the NEWT level. The classroom felt more cheerful than I remembered; probably due to the lack of Professor Snape. Multiple cauldrons sat scattered around the classroom housing various looking potions. We sat at the table with the three Gryffindors. The Ravenclaws and Slytherins each taking their own table.
Professor Slughorn began the class asking us to identify the potions around the room. Hermione of course knew them all immediately. ‘Amorentia’ the love potion sat nearest us. Its vapors rose in interesting patterns. I took a deep breath and caught the scent of lavender and eucalyptus and pine.
Professor Slughorn set us to work right away on the difficult draught of living death. An excited energy filled the room at the prospect of winning a vial of the lucky potion at the front. I didn’t feel as tense as everyone around me. Not that I wouldn’t want to win the potion, and not that I struggle in potions either. But with four Ravenclaws and Hermione Granger to boot, I didn’t let myself get nervous or competitive about it.
Ernie was falling into his habit of complaining a lot without offering any solutions to his problems. He, like everyone else, was anxious about the competition. He was complaining about not grabbing enough valerian root out of the supply closet and not being able to leave his cauldron right now.
“It’s fine Ernie, I can get some more” I offered and made my way inside the closet. I grabbed a bag of them and turned away, smack into Malfoy. My face was level with his chest. His surprisingly large, hard chest.
“We keep meeting like this, don’t we?”
“I didn’t see you. I’m sorry.” I moved to step around him but he was blocking the door.
“Thank you” he smirked, reaching for the small bag of roots I was carrying. “This is exactly what I came in here for.” His strong hand closed around my fingers and he wriggled the bag from them. He radiated arrogance and power.
“Hey, get your own” I protested. But he won out in our little tug-of-war.
“I want this one” he purred, his voice like velvet. And he disappeared from the supply closet, leaving me alone and gaping.
“Huh” I huffed annoyed. I grabbed another bag of valerian roots and marched back out to my table. I sat down and stole a glance over at the Slytherin table. Malfoy slowly looked over at me, an amused smirk on his face.
I rolled my eyes brushing off the Slytherin and returned my attention to my potion. He was only mocking me to cause problems. So why was my stomach fluttering so much? Perhaps I just wanted to see you squirm. His words from the previous day echoed in my ears.
Class finally ended with Harry surprisingly winning the lucky potion prize. I wondered if he truly was brilliant and Professor Snape had a way of suppressing Harry’s skills, or if Professor Slughorn just really liked him. Both, probably. I waited for the Slytherins to leave before gathering my belongings and heading out. Ernie trailed along with me.
“So uh, first weekend. What do you say we blow off our homework until tomorrow and go lay out by the lake. It’s a warm day?” He asked besides me.
“Oh sorry Ernie. I’m not finished yet today. I still have Madam Pomfrey this afternoon.”
“Oh that’s right.”
“But I can meet up with you guys later if you’re still out there?” I added quickly, careful to make it sound like a group thing.
His eyebrows drew together for a moment then he said slowly “Okay, I’ll see you after.”
I didn’t meet up with them at the lake as I stayed late with Madam Pomfrey and barely made it to dinner. I wanted to finish restocking all the potion ingredients before the week ended. Then right as I returned from the greenhouses for the last time, a first year came in who had missed the trick step and proceeded to fall down a flight of stairs. The first year had shattered her wrist and had broken most of her fingers in that hand. Madam Pomfrey had me observe repairing the wrist and a couple fingers with her wand. She then had me practicing the incantation a few times before repairing the final finger myself! She went over it again after “just to smooth it out” she assured me. “By Christmas you’ll be able to do simple breaks in your sleep.”
Sitting in the common room with my friends, I excitedly told them all about the first week with Madam Pomfrey.
“She seems so serious when you are there as a patient,” I explained. “But she is so funny. I’m surprised at how sarcastic she is. But it helps lighten the mood, especially if we’re talking about some horrible illness or accidents that have happened.”
We continued talking by the fire as many of the Hufflepuffs trickled off to bed. Justin eventually yawned loudly and bid us goodnight, leaving Ernie and I alone in our little corner.
“You’re so beautiful when you get excited. You light up everyone around you, you know that?” he said boldly.
“Oh, uh, thank you.” I smiled and looked down embarrassed.
He reached forward and made me look up at him. He was learning in closer.
Oh, I almost forgot this was supposedly happening.
He kept leaning in. The smell of his leathery cologne surrounding me.
Wait, were we doing this? Right here in the common room? I guess we were doing th...
His lips crashed into mine hungrily, and I stayed rooted to the spot. We were tucked away in the dark corner in the common room, and I didn’t want to cause a scene. It would just embarrass us both. So, I stayed and let him continue to kiss me. I parted my lips slightly, but he never took the invitation to explore my mouth with his tongue. He kissed around my mouth, opening and closing his, in a way that reminded me of a fish. Oh that was mean of me; I shouldn’t think like that.
It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t seem to fit. Was that a thing? Could mouths not fit? Either way, the chemistry was lacking. Physical attraction, lacking.
Deciding I’d sat there for the minimum required amount of time, I pulled away and smiled sheepishly. “It’s getting late. We should get to bed. It’s been a long week and I’m tired.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
I bid him goodnight and hurried to the girls’ dormitories. I tossed and turned for hours, unable to fall asleep. I needed a distraction to calm my racing thoughts. ‘Perhaps I just wanted to see you squirm.’ No. Stay out of my head I tried to order my thoughts. I pulled out one of my textbooks for a distraction and read until I fell asleep.
I slept through breakfast Saturday, exhausted from the late-night mental marathon. I kept running scenarios in my head of my options. What was kinder? Should I just go with it? I felt no excitement whenever Ernie tried to touch or kiss me. It was the same last year when we had finally hooked up. Every time, he acted like he was in some race. Eager to get to the finish line as fast as he could, jumping right in with little attention to ‘preparing for the race’ or taking time for all to enjoy it. He’d lie there next to me completely satisfied, and say thank you with a kiss to my forehead before getting dressed. I always had to take care of myself later. I know he didn’t mean to make me feel used, but that’s how I felt. And I didn’t want to be used, at least, not like that. We got together because it was convenient. But he was the ‘smart choice’ my family would probably approve of.
Ernie was known to be vocal when things weren’t going the way he thought they should. He was a yo-yo friend I observed over the years to Harry Potter. I didn’t want him to feel humiliated. I also didn’t want to become a target of his disdain. He was also my friend, and I didn’t want him to feel badly like there was something wrong with him. We just didn’t fit. I needed some time to figure out what I wanted. It wouldn’t be kind to him to continue leading him on. I would have to word this carefully though. He should also have the right to some space from me if he wanted. But then what pressure would that inflict on the rest of our friends? I would be the one to step away for a while if he needed.
The coward I am, I kept putting it off for another couple weeks. I managed to keep us staying in groups, only hanging out with Hannah and Justin around. Hoping it could just piddle out, and we’d never need to talk about it. That could work right? No one would get hurt. We can just pretend nothing ever happened. I didn’t realize how wrong I was.