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Flakes of ash and debris filled the air around the top of the truck where Nancy sat. They were only about five minutes into the drive to the radio tower, but the air inside the truck was thick with tension. Nancy couldn't bear another second of it. The air of the Upside Down was probably not great for her lungs, but she’d spent enough time down here that the air hardly bothered her. Not nearly as much as that of the truck.
She knew her and Jonathan were alright, or at least their friendship was. She didn't think anything could change that, they had been through too much together already. But that didn’t stop a fresh breakup from being a little awkward all the same, and with the fate of the world being determined by Steve’s reach of a plan, a little awkwardness was more than Nancy could will herself to deal with at the moment.
So she opted to face the spores of an alien world instead. It was easier that way.
She didn’t expect the hard part of fighting monsters from another world to be dealing with her own emotions, she would’ve thought the monster fighting itself would be the difficult part.
But landing your shots can be practiced. Rehearsed. Repeated. She could drill the knowledge into her brain until she could do it through teary eyes and hands that tremble in fear.
She can’t practice keeping her face from scrunching up when she’s brushed off. Only hope and pray that next time she’ll hide it better.
And even if she could, she’d rather vomit before she lowered herself down to just a smile and nod as strangers insulted her in society's accepted ways.
There is something truely awful about the feeling that encompassed her when a doctor with smoke laden breath called her a sweetheart, it's prickly and foul, defensive. Anything but sweet.
And it went beyond just strangers.
She supposed that's part of why her and Jonathan didn’t work out. She’d never been one for having her ideas turned down, brushed aside with ease, ignored. Jonathan being the voice in her ear reminding her that things aren’t always what she thinks, that sometimes there is not a story behind everything… While maybe that voice would be good for her, make her a better person, it’s not what she wanted to hear.
Because far far too many times her gut instinct, that part of her brain that tugs and tugs relentlessly, has been right.
And goddammit she’d listen to every last tug if there was so much as a chance that instinctual feeling of hers was right. If it meant that this time, she could save somebody.
Nancy hated looking stupid, but she’d look stupid in front of her friends investigating pointless leads a thousand times over before she’ll ignore that feeling, before she let another young girl die from her ignorance.
So no matter how much Jonathan may think he was helping with his insight, she didn't want to hear it. She heard his doubt and her brain simply ignored it. And Jonathan— he didn't deserve that, so maybe it was only a matter of time before things ended with them.
And it wasn’t like there weren’t other factors too.
Uncoordinated thunks rang out behind her, and she turned around to see Robin climbing up to join her, swinging her bag over her shoulder and letting it slide to a stop next to where Nancy was seated.
“Phew!” Robin herself now slid across the top of the truck to join her bag. “You’d think if Murray can make custom seating in the back, he could add a ladder for easy roof access.”
Nancy let out a hollow laugh, “It’s not that hard,” she mused.
“Hey, you know I’m not exactly athletic okay, it took me long enough to walk, you think climbing would come easy when I already struggled with walking?”
“I mean, you also have a solid 5 inches on me Robin, it should be easier for you than it is for me.”
“Okay, well my arms might as well be wet noodles, so it probably evens out, no?” she said, as she lifted an arm and gestured to it with the other. Even in the dull lighting of the Upside Down Nancy could make out the freckles covering her arm, the same way they covered her face. Nancy turned her head to face the wind. At least that way she could blame wind burn for the red on her cheeks.
A comfortable silence encompassed the pair for a few moments before Robin’s natural unease got the better of her. “Came up here to avoid the boys I presume?”
“You could say that,” Nancy said, picking at the skin sticking up from the side of her thumbnail.
Another beat of silence passed. Nancy could feel Robin's eyes on her.
“I uh— I figured. You seemed a little off in the truck.” The skin Nancy was picking at began to bleed.
“Robin,” Nancy started, before being cut off.
“Shit wait, yes I know, we're about to fight probably a thousand demo-whatevers and a man who can kill us with his mind, but that's not what I meant—” Nancy just chuckled lightly. “I meant, off, in a different way. This isn't your ‘I'm about to be a complete bad ass and kill monsters but I’m secretly still a little scared’ look, this is a different look. I know I’m not great at reading faces either but you just seem— you seem off is what I’m getting at and it's freaking me out.”
Nancy pursed her lips and pressed her thumb down on the small spot of blood, smudging it. Her brain tried to find the words to answer the question.
“Sorry Nance, I probably shouldn’t have asked, you don’t have to talk about it—”
“Me and Jonathan broke up.”
She said it. The words had left her mouth, and she couldn’t take them back now. She could hear the shallow inhale from Robin and decided to continue before she could string together some rambling apology. “It wasn’t on bad terms. It was a long time coming, I think. We just didn’t work, it was all trauma you know?”
Robin nodded, slow and understanding. “That makes sense, I kind of figured that might happen. Still probably sucks though huh?” she finished, looking over at Nancy.
Nancy looked back at her, staring into her gray-blue eyes. Robin was always so transparent. It might’ve taken Robin shoving that knowledge in her face for her to realize it, but the other girl meant everything she said. She wasn’t a mystery to solve hidden behind walls and secret doors like Nancy, no. She was a book, written with passion and begging to be read, to be understood and seen.
It amazed Nancy how much Robin cared, the worry she carried only thinly veiled behind humor.
“Honestly, that's the weird part. It doesn’t really hurt. I mean, it should, shouldn’t it?”
Nancy wondered if that was how Robin dealt with the emotional side of monster fighting. By saying how she felt, unfiltered. Letting all her feelings fall out of her mouth in a unintelligible rant of concern.
“I guess it depends? Some people, they grieve things before they’ve happened. Then when it actually happens it just feels, numb.” Nancy just let out a small ‘Mhm’ and continued picking at her cuticles.
“That might be it. I also just— it feels like nothings actually changed? I still love him, he still loves me, just not like that. Not romantically.” She laughed, hollow and restrained. “This is going to sound awful but, I don’t know if I ever did.”
“You don’t know if you ever liked him like that?”
“No. Not him or Steve, I feel like they were just…” Her grip tightened on her arm. “They made me feel normal. It wasn’t like, butterflies in my stomach or whatever, it was just nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Have you ever felt that though? Not with Jonathan or Steve, just that feeling. The fluttery, on top of the world, I would do anything for you feeling?” Robin said, leaning forward, encroaching ever so slightly into Nancy’s space.
She looked up at Robin again. Let her eyes trace the curve of Robin’s neck, dart from freckle to freckle lining her cheeks, only stopping to land on the other girl's lips. Cracked from being picked at like her own. Only then, did she nod her head.
Yes, she knew that feeling.
Looking at Robin, she relived that feeling she hadn’t felt since her days were filled with short red curls, shared laughter, and a youthfulness she’d never have again. The feeling was a faint memory she clung to like a lifeline.
She felt a dampness in her eyes as she clamped them shut and ground her teeth.
She nodded again.
Nodded until she could feel the pounding in her head and her breaths came out in shaky sobs.
Until Robin shuffled closer and pulled her in. Wrapped her in those scrawny freckled arms of hers.
Robin gently rubbed Nancy’s back, murmurs of reassurance fell from her lips to soothe her as Nancy slowly put herself back together.
However it wasn’t long before Nancy pulled away from Robin's arms, and looked back out to the dark echo of Hawkins surrounding her, letting the wind dry her tears. Robin's hand remained on her back, rubbing steady, soothing circles there as Nancy chewed at her lip.
“I loved her, Robin.”
“Barbara?”
Nancy sighed, and it was all the conformation Robin needed.
The admission floated in the air around them, a heavy weight Nancy no longer had to carry within her. Robin moved her hand from her back to wrap around her and pull her in. Nancy let her head fall onto Robin's shoulder as they looked out at the mass decay and slithering vines together.
“How did you learn to accept that sort of thing about yourself, Robs?” Nancy said, voice wet with tears. Robin tensed a little, rubbing her free hand against her jeans.
“Accept uh— I don’t know.” Nancy sniffled and elbowed her lightly, earning a small ‘ow’ from the taller girl.
“Robin, I know about you. I wouldn’t have admitted that to you if I didn’t,” Nancy said. Robin laughed.
“What gave it away?”
“The hospital, when we needed to talk to Joey’s grandmother? It was the way you were with Vickie. After I noticed that, well, it all started to make sense.”
“Ah,” Robin said, tracing patterns on her own leg. “You’re quite the investigative journalist, Nance. Can’t keep anything hidden from you, can I?”
“Nope,” Nancy said.
“I guess it just came with time. It’s not like I can change that about me, so. And I guess you just realize people are judgy pricks no matter what you do.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Nancy said, leaning further into Robin’s side. Despite the chill of the Upside Down, Robin was warm. “Sorry for getting all emotional on you there, but you did kinda prompt it.” She laughed a small light laugh.
“I did prompt it. And, I don’t regret it. We all need to talk sometimes, you know?”
“Yeah, yeah I know.” She said with a deep inhale. Underneath the smell of rotting flesh, sweat, and tears, she could still make out the faint remains of Robin's coconut shampoo. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” she asked, lifting her head slightly to look at Robin. Lightning illuminated her face in a halo of red; Nancy was entranced.
“Well, it’s kinda hard to verbalize I suppose, I mean I know this is my third time going to ‘save the world’ but it's still really daunting. One wrong move and we are absolutely dead, our bodies will never be recovered and then Vecna just, merges the worlds and— who fucking knows what happens then! Even worse, will we have to watch as like, ghosts?”
“Robin, hey—”
“Spending eternity watching Vecna destroy our world, all because we failed? It's absolutely insane to me and I—”
“Robin!” Nancy put her hand on Robin's leg to stop its frantic shaking. Robin finally looked down and met Nancy’s eyes.
“Sorry, I’m spiraling.”
Nancy let out a light laugh, “You think?” She looked to Robin, admiring her. If it wasn’t for the darkness of the Upside Down Nancy would’ve probably noticed a light dusting of red on Robin’s cheeks. “I understand. I’ve done this more than you and it still scares me shitless. But you just, you can’t think about all that. Remember that phrase you picked on me for? ‘Hanging out at the end of the book‘? Don’t be like that. Focus on the now, focus on how we get through this…” She paused and laced her fingers with Robin's. “We need to get through this before we can write the rest of our story.”
“Yeah uhm, yeah.” Robin looked down at their intertwined hands. “I just don’t know how we’ll get there, I guess.”
Nancy hummed, “We follow Steve's plan until something inevitably goes wrong, and then we go from there. We’ll figure it out together, okay? I’ve got you.” Robin smiled.
“You’ll look after me with that AR of yours, won’t ya Nance?” She knocked their shoulders together.
“Of course. Always.” She squeezed Robin's hand.
“You gotta show me how you use that sometime,” Robin said with a smile.
“Robin, living in the now, remember?” They laughed for a moment before returning to a comfortable silence until they felt the truck turn into the driveway of the squawk. “Talk to me again after all this is over though and I’ll gladly let you shoot it.”
Robin’s eyes widened. “Oh no, no, show me, not have me shoot it! I’d blow my toe off! Bad, bad, bad idea.”
“Oh I know you can—”
“Hey lovebirds! Get down here, it’s show time,” Steve’s voice rang out from within the truck. Robin shot a piercing glare in his direction for using her own line against her, before awkwardly glancing back at Nancy apologetically. Nancy only laughed.
Looking in Robin's eyes, reading her through them… Nancy knew they’d make it out alive.