Work Text:
"Are we talking about your secret? Clark, what in the world would make me forget that?"
As she sits impatiently in front of a red light that's keeping her from her husband, Chloe just can't get that last conversation out of her mind. All she can see are Clark's earnest eyes while he asks her stupid questions, and she hates that they're still swerving back into the same old territory.
Clark is too dangerous. Chloe shouldn't know anything. Ignorance is safer, and damn the consequences.
The stupidest argument in the history of time and they have it over and over again, yet they were all smiles and hugs through this iteration. Between Brainiac and Chloe packing to go take care of her husband, they both knew deep down somewhere that this wasn't a good time to be pushing on frayed emotions, but hours later it's still making Chloe cranky. Neither of them have developed the ability to time travel yet, so what does it even matter?
There are people walking down the street by her car, laughing and talking with bags of shopping and and coffee cups and no comprehension that the world nearly ended once again. Chloe can't understand why Clark keeps insisting that it'd be a good thing if she become another one of the ignorant masses again. She gets that it might be easier, but not really any safer, and at the crux of the matter is that she doesn't want to and Clark shouldn't be trying to force the issue.
It's not that she doesn't love her life, or Clark, outside of the aliens and superpowers aspect. She does, and Chloe is prepared to fight for it exactly as it is right now, secrets and battles and everything else. But sometimes she wonders what she's going to be able to tell her children or her grandchildren when so many of the amazing things she does can't be talked about. She's seen aliens taken down, and helped people in fantastic costumes fight evil, and she wouldn't trade that to be able to break the code of silence - but it's still tempting.
Though now, in the aftermath of a monster crashing her wedding party, she's received a forceful reminder of why boxing different parts of her life away from each other has been the best and only option lately. Not that it doesn't hurt to be keeping secrets from Jimmy - from her husband. She's not an idiot, she knows it's going to be an ongoing issue she'll have to tackle. Chloe likes to hit problems head on, but being part of a secret society of vigilantes makes everything a little trickier and she's used to that now. She is. It's just Clark's latest bout of sincere dumb farmboy syndrome that she can't cope with, which is why she stomps on the accelerator the instant the lights turn green and pretends it's Clark's face.
Chloe gets that he means well - she's spent half of her life with him and she knows he always means well. Plus he is right. It would be easier, but part of her is still glad Jimmy never confirmed his suspicions and she can keep Clark's secret out of her marriage. Chloe doesn't think she could stand Jimmy being any more in the line of fire than he already is; doesn't want to be packing bags or going into his hospital room any more often than she already does. The whole situation makes her feel weak and nauseous, and there's no real reason why Jimmy needs to know. Chloe is Clark's bestie, and his researcher, and his tech assistant, and sometimes his connection to other heroes, and this secret is already too much a part of her in a way it isn't for Jimmy. Knowing these things has already changed her, and she's determined that it won't change him. She smiles and she packs cookies, but she doesn't know if she could do this again.
Occasionally she dares to wish that it'll be different in the future. Chloe still has hope that Clark and all the others like him won't have to hide forever, and one day the blissful shoppers on the side of the road will be telling each other about the latest fantastic thing they've accomplished. Then she'll have the best stories to tell, of overcoming obstacles and making deals with an artificially intelligent alien fortress of all things. People, strangers, will have reason to be proud of the people she works with, and justifiably too because she's proud of them as well.
Hopefully it won't have to last forever, but the compartmentalising is working right here and now because she knows Jimmy thinks she's wonderful even without knowing about the masks and all the fighting. She doesn't have to be in league with superheroes to be amazing to him, and have wonderful and interesting stories to tell. That's so appealing and so Jimmy, that the most interesting story she can tell of her day is burning herself on a too-hot coffee and he turns it into the most fascinating anecdote of all time while they cuddle on the couch.
Thinking of that couch helps her keep it together.
It's a long drive, but she's already half way there, and Lois is going to be waiting by the hospital entrance when she arrives. Lois promised. So she's going to park her car and grab her cookies, and then she's going to find her cousin and get a good hard hug so that she won't cry when she sees her Jimmy in a hospital bed. She's going to manage it too, even though it hurts, because she has faith that soon they're going to be back on that couch while Jimmy turns silly trivia into great stories, and everything will be fine again.
Once her dreams of having great stories to tell always included the expectation of fighting crime and injustice from behind a microphone or a tape recorder. Chloe Sullivan was going to make a difference and she was going to pass a legacy of change and empowerment on to somebody, and once upon a time she was going to do it from behind a reporter's desk. Now it looks like Chloe Olsen won't necessarily have that, and to her surprise she really means it when she says that it's okay and she wants to explore other options. At least for now. She has Jimmy and she's not ready to go chasing her old dreams across the country in search of a reporting job that isn't tabloid trash like the Inquisitor, or compromised by Luthor ownership like the Daily Planet.
The radio spits and whines as she drives, slowly pulling it out of range of all the stations she knows. Chloe flicks it off with a sigh and resists the urge to pull over for a snack somewhere.
The Smallville Ledger isn't even worth considering. At least at Isis she can let her day job take a back seat to playing Watchtower if she needs to, and there aren't any other publications left within a reasonable commute time that could hold her interest anyway. She's tried both now, and she struggles to be concerned that it was reporting that didn't stick. Her career has lost its shine somehow, and she no longer needs it as her counterpoint against the heroics of her other life, not when Jimmy is her safety and her sense of normalcy. Chloe knows that if she trudges through this, being a reporter will eventually get exciting and fulfilling again, but why bother when she can try her hand at any number of the more exciting and satisfying opportunities available to her? She can bide her time, enjoy the different things she has to do now, and wait for a better day job to come along. It's not like she doesn't have the time or plenty of things to occupy herself with while she waits, or that it means she has to walk away from journalism forever.
Chloe of all people knows that things can change irreversibly in a second. Alicia taught her that; there's nothing to stop things from changing back to the way she always thought they were meant to be, under the right circumstances.
Maybe one day Chloe Olsen will be a well respected byline underneath the header of a flashy newspaper, but right now there aren't any appealing options other than working freelance. Chloe has more important things to do than to struggle along trying to crack major stories without the support of a familiar editor, and the writing doesn't have quite the same draw if she doesn't have something amazing and worthwhile to write about.
After all, at the heart of all her childhood plans that's what Chloe wanted to do. Force her way into the unknown, expose dangerous secrets, stand up for the little guy, and have a real impact with something important and ground breaking. So for now she's happy to fight crime and injustice by playing tech support for a group of people doing battle in leather. It's not like the job hasn't got the perks necessary to make up for all the secrecy. Living in her own private action movie is sometimes thrilling instead of terrifying and taking down the bad guys physically rather than philosophically can often be more viscerally satisfying.
Then there's all that leather her co-workers like covering their very able and strong bodies with - she's married, not blind, and some might consider it a better perk than a guaranteed pension or a formal health plan.
Chloe wouldn't change knowing Clark's secret for all the world. She wouldn't. But sometimes she does wonder what it would be like to be anchored in normality, to always be in the mundane here and now along with everyone else. People who weren't concerned about alien tech or dangerous invasions, or at risk of being possessed by something otherworldly with an agenda. She already knows that thanks to Clark she'll be thinking about the possibility of normality constantly while she's camped out next Jimmy's hospital bed in Star City, but she still can't get there fast enough. Her windows are down and the wind is her hair, but she can't enjoy it properly. Perhaps when she gets to drive home with Jimmy in her passenger seat.
Clark doesn't get it - his secret is such a fundamental part of her identity now because it allows her to be who she always wanted to be, just in a different way than she dreamed. Who can say whether one way would be better than the other?
Like it's just about knowing his secret. Clark's secret is short hand for superhero camaraderie and meeting people and personalities she never quite dreamed were real; stretching herself with new and unexpected challenges. Taking down Lex. Taking down people like Lex. Trying her hand at a fledgling organisation like Isis, even if it was never her childhood dream job, because Lana somehow made it an excellent front for gathering intelligence and hiding superhero-quality equipment. Making a difference in lots of ways, even if only a select few realise what they've done and why they've done it. It's addictive, and she's in the thick of it by the side of her oldest and dearest friend. Being possessed by Brainiac and Jimmy ending up in a hospital bed were horrendous consequences and she'd do anything to take all of that pain back from her loved ones, she would. Chloe knows things might not always work out as well as they have this time, but not knowing the secrets she knows won't protect her from losing someone she loves one day, and there's no guarantee it'll protect them.
Life is full of pain and suffering and loss, even when you're best buddies with a world saving aliens. She gets it. More importantly, she can put it in perspective.
Nothing is going to stop her wanting to hack computer networks and track down alien phenomena so that Clark or the Green Arrow or whoever else she's working with that week can execute a dramatic show down. Knowing Clark's secret has allowed her to become everything she dreamed of being as a reporter and then some - different place, same Chloe. She doesn't think that's worth trading for anything.