Chapter Text
Team-ups are the worst.
They sound super cool in theory, right?
But let’s look at the data:
The Amazing Spider-man teams up with Johnny Storm of the Fantastic 4!
Team-ups with Johnny are always a blast. Usually literally.
The Avengers and Co.
That’s usually where I fit in. No, not with The Avengers. I’m the “and company”. Good enough to fight along side with, not good enough for the SHIELD dental plan.
This isn’t one of those ungrateful “woe is me” moments either. Teaming up with the Avengers may sound like an amazing opportunity - but consider the reason Earth’s Mightiest Heroes (plus company!) are all together for one fight - some serious shit is happening. Which brings us to the setting of my self narrating life story: in the middle of a most serious boss fight, forced to rely on the help of heroes that I don’t usually team-up with, and yet nonetheless being completely surrounded by guys with guns.
Sexist.
More like presumptuous. All five flanking badies are built tall, meaty, and sporting half masks - leaving their jaws and throats showing.
Why is it called an adam’s apple? And why leave one of their most vulnerable parts exposed?
I hit Badie 1 in this all too easy target, while twisting upwards and out to kick Badie 2 in the chest. They both go down, but 2 staggers up quickly to join 3 and 4 who are now surrounding me.
Gotta think fast…
Now would be the perfect time to web shoot the high beam above us that is precociously dangling above our heads. Theoretically I could swing it in a circle and knock them all on their asses. With the amount of inertia I could get going, combined with my super strength, they wouldn’t get up after that for a long time. So what’s stopping me? The very thing everyone associates with me, The Amazing Spider-man, with - webbing. I’m out. Completely dry. I used the last bit I had to ricochet Iron Man into Kang (do you think he was born with that name?) hard and fast.
Hand-to-hand combat is totally my thing; I can do this.
But first - let’s get out of this circle jerk.
I use my slender body to my advantage and leap over Badie 3 while grabbing his shoulders beneath me. I end up throwing him as hard as I can into the wall closest to us. I watch to make sure he doesn’t get up, and Badie 2 grabs me in return, around the chest. When the hits keep coming, I can’t rely on my spidey-senses all of the time. Badie 4 gets in a few good blows in my mid section below getting a low blow to the groin.
“Hey, bad form!” I choke out, before breaking 2’s hold on me and returning the favor of attention to Badie 4’s face.
Not that a groin hit would do much damage to me.
True. Between the thin kevlar layer I’m wearing under the suit and the full cup I rock in my nether regions, I’m safe from most direct hits.
That, and I don’t have any dangly bits to feel such a full assault.
The under-suit binder does more than protect me from weakass punches and The Vulture’s talons; it protects my super super secret identity - Patricia Parker.
I’m dodging Badie 2’s attempts to regain his hold while releasing my rage upon 4.
Time traveling creeper attacks MY city!
*PUNCH*
High and mighty Avengers bogart all of MY webbing!
*KICK*
Don’t even have the decency to provide me any back-up!
“Spidey!” I hear someone shout from above.
With Badie 4 decommissioned, I turn my attention to 2 again. I don’t bother looking up. Even without saying anything out loud, I somehow summoned the last person I wanted for back-up; The Merc With a Mouth.
Beggars and choosers, amirite?
“How about a hand, Deadpool? And so help me if you throw a dismembered body part at me again…” I swipe Badie 2’s feet out from under him, but he’s back up again before Deadpool jumps down to the floor. I keep countering 2 while taking a side peak at him, just standing there, being the most useless back-up ever.
Deadpool crosses his arms while accessing the scene.“What do you think I’ve been doing during this whole shit storm - looking for you! I thought to myself ‘Sex Machine’ - because that's what everybody calls me - ‘Sex Machine, you’re in Spider-man’s city during one of the biggest battle royales ever - you gotta find that Spidey-booty and protect it! Because I bet Daddy America leaves you high and dry out here. So here I am - to get you low and wet.”
“I want you to know that I’m rolling my eyes under my mask.” And maybe that was a bad idea, because Badie 2 clocks me square in the jaw, leaving me seeing stars. Finally, Deadpool joins the fight.
“Mind if I cut in?”
He unsheathes his dual katanas and slices downward so fast, Badie 2 doesn’t stand a chance to dodge.
“Get it?? CUT IN???” Deadpool cracks up at his own sick joke.
I move away from the blood gathering at our feet. If I can’t swing back home tonight, that means I’m walking. Have you ever walked 12 blocks, at night, in wet socks?
I take an assessment of our surroundings while cradling my jaw. “One - on the ground, being the biggest disappointment to the group. Two - in two. Three - napping by the wall. Four - battered and bruised. Five - …. Oh shit-”
My spidey senses are still too slow from the overload. I missed Badie 5 completely and the bastard got the jump on me with a … a laser??
I’m on the ground before Deadpool can jump in front of me.
It was a valiant effort, I’ll give him that.
I’m clutching my chest, to try to find the hit, but it all feels raw, and exposed. Breathing instantly becomes a chore, but I can still hear Deadpool win the fight, before firing the same laser.
“Taste of your own medicine!” I hear him shout.
He crouches by my side. With his mask always on, I can never tell his facial expressions. But judging by his uncharacteristic silence, I can tell he doesn’t like what he sees. I don’t like what I hear, which is to say, not much. The city sounds that I usually pick up with my hyper hearing are dead. My vision of Deadpool is slowly fading.
“Spidey? …-man? ….” all I can hear is my erratic breathing.
I turn my head slightly where I know most of the Badie 5 have fallen. Sure, I took down these jokers, but I’m going to completely miss the fight with Kang and die in the arms of a mercenary without ever becoming an Avenger.
Team-ups are the worst.