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God, he wished the wind would stop. It howled too loud and pulled to hard and he felt like an inflatable punch doll - too heavy to be carried away but swayed to, to and fro. Castiel was talking and he couldn’t hear him but he saw the instant Dean stiffened.
He strained his ears and looked back to Castiel, and saw... oh, he knew that face, and suddenly Dean’s rigid posture made sense. He knew what brought on this marble facade and he knew all too well that resolve, the burden that settled on Cas’ shoulders. The stupid bastard was going to sacrifice himself.
His knees gave way a little and he staggered into his brother, grabbing tight to Dean’s arm.
“No,” he willed his voice to overpower the howling wind.
“It’s the only way, Sam,” Cas was calm, as if he didn’t feel the salesman’s coat furling around him or the violent raking of his hair.
“Hold on Cas, not again - we know better than this, there’s something else,” the words tumbled from his mouth and he knew even as he said them it was pointless, “There’s another way, we just have to find it, come on, Castiel, please, don’t...”
“We’re running out of time,” Cas said, as if he hadn’t heard him.
Sam was tired, so tired, and he didn’t know why Cas was coming towards him until he realized that of course, there’d be a farewell of sorts, and then hands were ever-so-gently pulling his head down and he supposed Cas must have kissed his head but he was so tired and his body begged to be let down and allowed to rest...
His eyes closed. Castiel would sacrifice himself. There was nothing Sam could do to stop him.
“Goodbye, Sam. Thank you.” And Sam knew it was as much for that moment as anything else - for not fighting, for allowing Cas to do this and how terribly sound his understanding was even as the rest of him was falling to pieces.
He managed a nod, willing himself to pull upright again, “Bye Cas.”
Cas spared him a final moment of eye contact, and a tired, sad, wish-me-luck sort of expression fell over his face. Sam’s moment of acceptance was pulled away with Cas’ gaze, carried away in the wind as the angel looked to his brother.
Dean.
Dean.
no.
No. Not again. Not another loss, not another sacrifice, not another name to be avoided. And just no - not Cas, not now.
But Cas was Cas, and he’d do it. He’d leave and the unfairness hit Sam because he knew enough to know that Cas didn’t want to leave and that’s all Dean wanted from him - just to stay - but now...
He stepped back. He couldn’t fix it. Couldn’t stop any of it, but he could step back and give them these last few torrid moments. It would never be enough and Sam was so weak but he’d done harder things so he let himself release Dean’s arm and fought to keep a semblance of balance.
“Cas...don’t,” the words wrenched from Dean - somewhere deep and hurt. Sam hated that tone - his big, brave, thirty-something year old brother sounding like a lost child.
“I am sorry that it’s ending this way, Dean.” Castiel’s voice carried and Sam didn’t mean to hear but he did and every word constricted his heart a little more. “But...I don’t regret it. Not one instant, Dean. Do you understand?”
Dean didn’t answer but he must have made some expression because something in Castiel’s posture changed and he was in front of Dean, now, reaching forward with the most amazing gentleness and Sam remembered that this was an angel and it was beautiful in a twisted sort of way that Cas looked at Dean in that way pulled him in and Sam could feel his own face contorting and tears spilling out as Cas and his brother kissed.
And God, he’d never seen anything like that. He was always passion and heat and aggression and there wasn’t an ounce of anything like that with them - just...just affection, and apology and love and he gasped and cried all the harder for the damned tenderness in this hell-hole of a situation.
And neither of them moved except Dean’s hands as they begged limply at Castiel’s coat sleeves.
And then Cas was stepping back and another moment passed where the two just looked at each other, having another one of those silent conversations that Sam wasn’t privy to, until Cas turned and started walking away. The wind was picking up and his legs were so damn tired and his arms and torso were so heavy and he couldn’t hold himself up alone anymore and he hurt everywhere and so he fell back into his brother - who caught him. Because Dean always caught him.
And when he had gathered himself enough to look over in the direction Cas had been walking...Cas was gone.