Archive of Our Own

1^st Lieutenant Tanya Degurechaff

Age: 13

A universal truth of economics is that time is the scarcest of all resources. There is no way to buy, trade, nor bargain for more. There is even an argument to be made that all of human innovation is an attempt to save even just a modicum of time. So, with a resource so scarce, the easiest attempt to gain even just a moment more of time was the tactic all black company workers have used: avoiding sleep. This was an act I now believed to be as close to sacrilegious, if there was such a thing.

For a soldier, sleep is a luxury so precious that even a few minutes are priceless. To adapt, you learn to sleep in the harshest of conditions, and in turn in places those uninitiated would consider unfeasible, such as in a transport truck on what might generously be called a road, made of mud and holes. Even the horrific jostling of the carriage ride from my distant memories would be a simple task to sleep through now. Yet even with those newfound talents, you also become paradoxically alert. Never fully able to slip into the absolute depths of unconsciousness so long as exhaustion has not fully consumed you.

My brief respite in a sanctuary away from the minimal sleep I had endured was now under attack.

"Come on, Tanya! It's Christmas! Get up!" Mali cried, shaking the bed from the farthest post away from me. It was an hour that for a soldier was incredibly generous, but at the moment I wanted nothing more than to return to that blissful deep slumber. That ship unfortunately had sailed as my body remembered the threat of combat and dumped adrenaline into my veins forcing me into consciousness. I opened my eyes for the first time in weeks without the sting of fatigue to a far too excited Mali beaming at me.

"Come on Tanya, breakfast is ready. We're waiting for you, sleepyhead."

A grumble escaped me as I considered just rolling over and ignoring the impossibly energetic woman. I was having an enjoyable dream, though the only image that remained as it quickly vanished from my mind was a pair of beautiful cobalt eyes. Still, there was only so much time in a day and I fully intended on taking advantage of the absolute luxury that was an afternoon nap. Consigning myself to the waking world, I sat up and began stretching, indulging in the fact the almost ever present ache in my muscles was almost gone.

"Alright alright Mali, stop shaking the damn bed, I'm up. Give me a minute to get dressed, I'll be right out." I waved her off with one hand as I rubbed the sleep out my eyes with the other.

"My goodness Tanya, I had no idea you were such a morgenmuffel," Mali teased before adding, "I'll have Hans set aside some coffee for you dear, so don't take too long." With that lovely promise she skipped out of the room. Some nonsensical part of my mind noted that it was good that Mali had enough childlike wonder for the both of us.

Crawling out of the bed, I lamented this body's anemic condition as I waited for the wooziness to pass. Recipient of the Silver Wings Assault Badge, Ace of Aces, the first mage to ever go supersonic, and I have to be careful not to stand up too fast or I get dizzy. What a joke. I changed out of my sleepwear into the last of my civilian clothes that still fit somewhat comfortably. In what was a small mercy the fashion of the era had erred more towards simple dresses instead of ruffles and lace. This left me with a simple blue dress with a peter pan collar.

I'm sure that on a normal girl it would be perfectly acceptable, cute even, but on me I found myself desperately missing my uniform. I shuffled into the bathroom in an attempt to tame my bed head and the image in the mirror almost made me recoil. While I wouldn't say that I was the most knowledgeable about fashion, I at least attempted to know the basic trends and look presentable in my past life. Now staring at my reflection in that blue dress with my wild black hair and red eyes, it made me look like a background horror movie ghost. 

I grimaced at the reflection, trying to stifle the discomfort of wearing clothes I still didn't feel comfortable in as I brushed the worst of the wild hair down. When was it that bob cuts came around again? Would I even be allowed to cut my hair short? All this required maintenance felt Sisyphean, plus trying to keep it clean in a war was a fool's errand. If there were any silver lining, it was that I did not have the blonde hair of my sisters, so the mud and blood were less noticeable.

Ensuring I was at least presentable even if I was in gracious company, the temptation to abandon this unflattering dress to the comfort of my uniform was painfully tempting. As frustrating as it was, unless I wanted to contend with this era's understanding of mental health, I would have to get used to these clothes eventually. Sighing in defeat, I left my refuge and was greeted with the absolutely heavenly smell of fresh coffee and sausage.

""""Good morning, Tanya,"""" The chorus of voices echoed out before I had even managed to grab the mug of ambrosia that was set aside for me.

"G'mornin," I mumbled as my body struggled to wake up in the absence of perceived threats. There was something dangerous about being so comfortable, I was learning. It was like I was teetering on the edge of lethargy or aggressive paranoia. I should be fine after I had some coffee.

As I savored that first sip of coffee, Vera took my moment of weakness to wrap me in a soft hug. I leaned into her, only because I hadn't fully woken up yet, or at least that is what I would say if Hans or Mali made any comments later. Taking another sip, I was trapped in a pincer attack as Masha emerged from the kitchen only to join in the hug. The smell of breakfast sausage, cloves, pine, and lavender surrounded me.

"Merry Christmas, Tanya."

Safe. I had forgotten what it was like to feel safe.

"Merry Christmas, Mom, Мама." If it hadn't been for the mortifying experience of calling out 'mom' and having both of them answer to it in front of the trio, I would have preferred keeping it simpler and less…childish. It also felt strange to just say 'mom' to both of them. As an embarrassing compromise, Masha was now Мама and Vera was Mom.

Mana gathered and dissipated in the direction where our guests were seated. There was an audience lounging on the couch and chair, with Hans holding what I assumed was a camera, in which in place of a lens was a simplified computation orb.

"What was that?" Both of the women pulled back without fully releasing their embrace to look at me in response to my question, only to follow my gaze back to Hans. The grin on his face was souring the comfortable warmth I was enjoying.

"Well, since we don't know when you three might disappear on us I figured we should have some mementos to remember each other by." He beckoned us over with the same smug grin. "Here, I'll show you and then we can eat 'cause I'm starving."

He placed the device on a glossy piece of paper and pressed some button on it. As mana gathered, it dispersed with a consistent though incredibly small rate. I expected the white to give way to an image, only to see no change occur. Taking another sip of coffee, I wondered how mana, a notoriously fickle thing, could be bound into a consistent phenomenon. I frowned since there was no way that this camera wasn't horrifically expensive.

Before the idea of how wasteful such a purchase fully formed into a spoken word, Hans flipped over the sheet over. In full color was my mothers holding a young girl in a blue dress, her eyes closed smiling over a coffee cup, looking like she didn't have a care in the world. Logically, I knew that girl was me, but the image was so alien to look at as if that was an entirely different person. She looked so happy.

"You couldn't have taken a more perfect picture if you tried Hans! Look at that, Tanya immortalized in an image where she actually looks her age." There was no teasing tone in Igel's voice, just genuine warmth.

"Hans." I made eye contact with the mischievous adult but my tone hushed Mali's and Igel's light giggles. "I won't stop you from taking more pictures. But. If any of these make their way into the hands of anyone other than the individuals in this room. You will not enjoy the consequences." His smug grin vanished and the man visibly paled. "Can you make a smaller copy?"

Hans blinked as he looked at me pausing before he answered. "Uhh… I brought several sizes but now I'm not so sure I want to take any home. You can be very scary, Tanya."

"I know. Do you have a size that would fit into a uniform pocket?" Being scary was fine, it was better than being disregarded. I finished off my coffee, feeling much better.

Hans sighed. "Yes, Tanya. Give me a moment and please don't glare at me like that." He laid out an array of various sized papers. "I might need Vera's help; while I have some mana, I don't know how many copies I can make in a day. Also, this model only holds five images at a time so it's better to make the copies now before taking any more."

Igel and Mali were not as daunted as Hans and after recomposing themselves after my threat, they began begging Vera for an impromptu photo session. Hans, however, put his foot down on at least eating breakfast first. A hardy breakfast free from military ration substitutes, it was almost decadent. Instead of being able to enjoy leisurely relaxing after such a meal, Mali and Igel's enthusiasm for photos somehow became intertwined with opening gifts.

"Come on, Tanya. We have to get a picture of you opening our gift! Please!!!!" Despite Mali's enthusiasm, it was amusing to see her pleading while also using both Igel and Mom as human shields from my possible wrath. "Vera, Masha, you both want to have cute pictures of Tanya too, right?"

"For God's sake, Mali, could you at least act like an adult?" Mom sighed even as Мама giggled from the sidelines. "Tanya, let's humor the poor girl before she starts crying."

Avoiding a crying Mali was an incentive worth getting up for. "Fine, but what I said to Hans applies to you two as well." If any of those pictures are even a slight repeat of the first, the idea of any of them being released was mortifying.

"Yes! Ours first!" In a whirl of motion Mali dashed to the collection of presents by the tree. Hans and Igel just shook their heads at her excitement.

"Sorry, Tanya. She's really trying to make things right with you," Igel whispered as the rest of the group gathered around.

I frowned at that. I don't remember Mali doing anything that required atonement of any sort. "I don't understand what you're saying Igel. What do you two have to apologize for?"

The look on Igel's face was indecipherable for a moment before she settled into a melancholic smile. Since she was staying over, her nickname wasn't as apt without her signature spiked hairdo. I wondered if she saw a picture of herself now, would she also be unable to recognize herself?

"Ah never mind, Tanya,"  She muttered before moving to reign in Mali.

Oh, I hated when people did that. Things would be so much simpler if you just told me what you thought I wouldn't understand. This lamentation was an old one. Even back as an HR manager, employees who couldn't just tell me what was going on frustrated me the most.

Plopping down on the couch next to my mothers, Masha wrapped an arm around me and pulled me toward her. I worried that in our time apart, my general dislike for physical affection would have resurfaced, but that worry was unfounded. Instead, I just leaned into her, enjoying the warmth with ease. While I enjoyed the warmth, the idea of returning back to that abomination of a schedule and dealing with that madman again made me shudder. So, I made a mental note that questioning whatever got in the way of my brief reprieve could be dealt with later.

"Here!" Mali exclaimed, placing a present the size of a shoebox in front of me. "Hans quick, the camera." The anticipation on her face was almost painful to look at. A shift of mana caught my attention only to see Hans with his camera. I frowned at him, at least some kind of warning would have been nice.

Hans, candid pictures are one thing, but if you keep this up I might worry about you turning into a voyeur.

"Already ahead of you, Mali. Okay Tanya whenever you're ready."

I sighed and reluctantly pulled away from the comforting warmth to tear at the plain wrapping paper. The absolute commodification of Christmas was hindered by the realities of a wartime economy. Unsurprisingly, beneath the paper was, well, a box. There was nothing on it that helped me discern what was inside of it. It didn't rattle when I picked it up and was rather light. Opening up the box, my face flushed and my ears burned immediately. Inside were several sets of underwear. Women's underwear. To include a bra or at least what looked like a camisole with an elastic band, but the attached cups were too prominent to assume it was anything else.

There was no way I had to wear any of these things, right? I mean the Empire's military issued bloomers were perfectly adequate. The dying ego that was my manhood drew an absolute line in the sand that wearing these would be the final nail in the coffin. Alongside that particularly jarring piece of clothing was at least three different hosieries. None of it was scandalous with little variation and all of them were in plain colors, but just looking at them made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

Mali, what the hell!? What devil compelled you to think this was something I could show openly!

The look of horror on her face when I finally mustered the courage to look up told an entirely different story. Coming to my rescue, Mom closed the box and cleared her throat. "Mali, I believe this one was supposed to be for later. Why don't you get the other gift?" Her voice was clinical.

"I am so sor-"

Before she could apologize and prolong this painful embarrassment I cut her off. "Mali. It's fine. Can you please get your other gift?" I tried giving her what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

Her mouth closed with a click before she mechanically moved through the pile and withdrew a gift of similar dimensions. Even as comfortable as I was with everyone here, I would rather brave the Rhine without a computation orb than open that box again. With more reservation, I removed the wrapping and opened up this gift. Reassuringly it was heavier than the first, if only just, and had a slight rattle.

Inside was a collection of things. A can of sealed imported coffee beans, several chocolate bars, extra socks which I greatly appreciated, but the main gift was what looked like a stripped down computation orb. It was a far cry from the military models I used, looking far more simplified, and even a light probe of mana showed that it was only capable of performing one formula.

"It's a gift from the three of us," Mali said quietly. "The other half of Hans' gift. From how it was explained to me, it's designed to be easy to maintain and fix, and it's supposed to be really durable too." Her words came out faster and faster as she tried to explain what it was. She looked like she was on the verge of tears again.

"Mali. It's fine really. Now stop trying to sell it to me and tell me what it does."

Igel's guffaw snapped Mali out of her guilt spiral. She turned to her partner with an expression of exaggerated insult as if she had been wounded. "What? Tanya can be funny sometimes."

"Oh, ha ha." Mali mocked sticking her tongue out at Igel. "Forgive me, Tanya. It holds pictures and displays them if you click the button on the top left. I think the upper limit was around ten or so. It was a set item with Hans' fancy new camera. We thought that even if we gave you photo copies, they wouldn't last very long where you are going. It's also small enough that if all of you up and vanish you would at least have something to remember us by."

I stared at the three, unsure what I should say. What could I say? It was a frivolous, likely overly expensive, illogical gift that was wonderful beyond words. I blinked hard trying to keep myself composed. The idea of just having physical pictures was more than enough. Why? Why did they do this? I wanted to shake them and demand an answer. I wanted to hug each of them close and thank them for everything.

"Thank you. How much did all of this cost?"

"Two hundred and twenty seven marks," Hans said matter-of-factly.

""HANS!"" Igel and Mali screeched.

"You're all so stupid. Why would you do this for me." I could feel everyone's eyes on me. "What do you all want from me? Why…" It didn't make any sense. It was their fault too. Everyone in this room played a part in making my world more complicated than it needed to be. Everything is a transaction, so why? They were playing the game wrong. You don't win by doing things like this. It was just…wrong.

I clenched tightly to the small computation orb as I withdrew into myself. A gift that was so comically expensive that it could feed a family for months, maybe even half a year before the war started. What do they want from me? What am I supposed to be? At least the military outlines their expectations, every career or role I possessed had clearly defined rules to meet in order to receive compensation.

That was how this worked. A son was supposed to respect their parents and strive for a career at least comparable to them for both of their futures. A student was supposed to understand the material given to them and demonstrate it through scholastic tests. An employee was supposed to adhere to the corporate philosophy and perform the work assigned to their station. A soldier was supposed to follow orders, demonstrate their loyalty to the nation and kill when they had too. So, what the hell am I supposed to do? Amongst these people what were the rules for Tanya?

I don't understand. Why couldn't they understand that adults only needed to provide children the basic necessities and the opportunity to show their worth? They all did too much. I never expected or asked anyone to die for me so WHY?!

Why the hell did she do that?!

All of it was so wrong. I sobbed into the stupid blue dress as this world was either insane or had driven me insane. "I don't understand." There should have been yelling now something I spoke out so where is it?

Instead of a justified rebuke, I was smothered in warmth as five pairs of arms wrapped around me. Who was I supposed to be now? I sobbed for the life I lost, for Maria, for the horrendous waste of life that was war and lastly, in frustration at just how helpless I was. As they held me I couldn't help but repeat, "I don't understand." It was a statement, a question, an admission, a cry, and a lamentation in three simple words. The most frightening aspect of all was I didn't know if I could understand.

"Shh, Tanya. Malen'kiy grifon. It's alright," Vera whispered. "You don't have to do anything. My brilliant, brave, foolish daughter. We love you. That is enough."

Right now, it was enough.