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The episode had wrapped, the lights dimmed, and the studio emptied in that uncanny way it always did—like a smile being slowly switched off. The three white people on a couch- Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade- remained on said iconic couch anyway, sitting too close out of habit, hands folded, posture still “on.”
For once, no one spoke.
Ainsley finally broke the silence. Her smile was still there, but quieter now. “I have a confession to make…”
Steve turned immediately, concern snapping into place like a practiced reflex. “Oh! Well—okay! Confessions are good. Very healthy. Love a confession.” He paused. “This isn’t about *Portugal again, is it?”
Brian leaned forward, elbows on knees. “Because if it is, I still think we were right to be scared!”
Ainsley let out a small laugh that didn’t quite land. “No. It’s… it’s about me.” She hesitated, eyes flicking between them. “And about you. Both of you.”
Steve’s smile tightened—still pleasant, but now clearly doing work. “Alright. Okay. We’re listening. Judgement-free zone.” He added quickly, “Extremely judgement-free. I had three coffees just to make sure I wouldn’t… you know, think too deeply anyway.”
Brian nodded solemnly. “I don’t judge anything. I barely understand things!”
That helped. Ainsley exhaled.
“I’ve been carrying something for a long time,” she said. “And I keep telling myself it’s faith, or loyalty, or… habit. But it’s not.” She swallowed. “I have feelings. Real ones.”
Steve blinked. Brian tilted his head, processing.
“What feelings?” Steve asked gently.
Ainsley’s voice dropped. “For you. Both of you.”
Silence.
Brian’s eyebrows shot up. “Both… like—” he gestured vaguely between himself and Steve “—this whole couch?”
Steve’s brain visibly short-circuited. “I—wow. I mean. Wow.” He laughed once, nervously. “That’s… very flattering. And alarming. Mostly flattering.”
“I didn’t mean to,” Ainsley rushed. “I know I’m usually just… there. Smiling. Agreeing. Being ignored. But you’re the only people who ever *really* see me.”
Brian nodded immediately. “That makes sense. I see almost everyone.” A dopey smile spread across his face.
Steve stared at the floor for a second, smile faltering. “I’ve… had feelings too,” he admitted quietly. “I just assumed they were stress dreams.”
Brian’s eyes lit up. “Oh. Same. I thought it was just extreme patriotism.”
They all looked at each other. So awkward.
Then Brian clapped his hands once. “Okay. So. Hypothetically. What if this isn’t a problem?”
Steve stiffened. “Brian, what do you mean?”
Brian pressed on, confidence unearned but absolute. “Hear me out. I once read half a headline about something called ‘polyamory’. It’s when you don't *have* to choose! Like capitalism, or babies. We should explore the idea of a polyamorous relationship. All three of us, together!"
Steve looks unsure for a moment, a faint blush creeping onto his cheeks. His moral alarm bells were ringing faintly under years of forced cheer. “Is this… allowed? Is that allowed? I don't know about this, Brian…”
Brian gently takes Steve's hand, offering a reassuring squeeze and a (somewhat) charming smile.
Well, that did it. Steve's entire face turned red, his hesitation melting away. “Ok... I'm in!”
Brian turned to Ainsley. “What say you, Ainsley?”
Ainsley giggles. The other two rarely asked for her opinion, so she could tell they were serious. “I'm in too.” She takes both of their hands, pulling the trio closer.
“We should, uhhhh, probably keep this a secret from the public.” Brian said after a while.
Steve smiles and Ainsley giggles as they sit together on the couch, the morning light of the studio fading around their new secret.