Work Text:
Emptiness is a way to describe many things,many feelings. The main feeling for me is “loneliness.”
Loneliness is all I ever feel. I have no real feelings most of the time; sometimes I have to fake an emotion so people don’t think I’m acting differently.
I would force myself into being angry, sad, happy—anything that wouldmake me feel less of nothing.
Days, weeks, months can go by, and I would stilll feel that emptiness inside me. Nothing really helped me—not friends, not family, not really anything. Well, besides my dog.
A job that I thought I enjoyed brought me nothingg but disinterest. I’d still do it but wouldn’t exactly enjoy it either. I would black out through most of the day and somehow regain control as the day ended.
My sleep wasn’t the best either. Staying up late doing nothing but thinking—thinkingabout how I can change mylife for the better. Maybe that would make a difference.
The things I used to enjoy just feel like a chore now. The act of being creative is gone. The feeling of being with friends and family seems exhausting. I now just say no to hanging out. I would rather llie down on the floor thinking than be outside having to socialize and pretend like I care.
Truth is, I don’t care. I don’t think I truly y care about anyone. Is there a point in doing it? The relationships we build, all for it to either crash and burn or drift apart.
I feel like when I force myself to be more attentive toward people, I can’t feel much for them.
The laughs I’m forced to share with others feel like nothing more than wasted effort. I’m not a good person. I don’t think I ever was a good person. But I’m okay with that. Maybe all I need is to be alone and away from those I can’t help.
It’s impossible with the job that I have. My teammates depend on me, just like I do them.