Chapter Text
Shauna
Shauna was pretty sure she should wake up right now. Some far-off part of her brain was telling her that she just has to get up, and there is something she has to do … or fix? Or… hm. But this bed is just so comfy, and these pillows are so soft, and opening her eyes is just too hard. It's like they're glued together, and whatever the thing she needs to do right now surely can't be important enough that she has to make all the effort to open her eyes.
A calloused, rough hand gently brushed her elbow, only for a second. That's wrong. Jackie has nice hands, calloused from her years of soccer, yet still smooth and manicured. Jackie is meticulous about her skin care, always complimented by her classmates, to which she would shrug and say ‘genetics!’ and flash that stupid, perfect smile. Rough skin is wrong. That short contact was enough to wake her up, and the blissful feeling of sleep dissolved as quickly as the hand left. Throbbing pain shot immediately to her forehead, and Shauna winced, sucking in her breath.
She forced her eyes open and looked over to where the hand had briefly danced over her skin. Jeff Sadecki. Shirtless. She looked down at her own bare chest. Shit. What the fuck has she done? Stupid, drunk, idiotic Shauna. She's so fucking fucked.
Shauna, spotting the pile of her haphazardly thrown clothes, immediately rushed to retrieve them and get the fuck out of there. Her mind raced, guilt flushed over her as she pulled her shirt over her head and jeans up her legs, last night came flooding back to her in excruciating detail.
Shauna is usually a logical person, or she likes to think… or… that's what Jackie says to her (‘Shipman, you're, like, the smartest and most logical person I know, you should be going to an Ivy league or something, not Rutgers with me’ and then she laughed like that couldn't even be a possibility because she knew, or thought, Shauna would never want to leave Jackie), so she forced herself to relive whatever events transpired before the Jeff part of the night, because, seriously, and no offense to Jeff, why would she sleep with him?
Thinking hard, Shauna remembered that she and Jackie had some petty fight; Jackie was insistent that Randy would be a perfect fit for her because 'he's Jeff's best friend'. Shauna rebutted that Randy is 'the last man she'd want to sleep with' (within earshot of Randy, he skulked off to the corner of the room), and Jackie said that he's ‘the best you're gonna get in Wisayakok, New Jersey’. Shauna huffed in response to this memory, and then was unfortunately reminded she wasn't alone in the room due to Jeff's grunt. She hurried a little more, hastily shuffling around to put on her shoes.
Shauna debated whether the dramatics of climbing out of Jeff's window was worth it. When she heard footsteps approaching the bedroom in the hallway, she decided that the embarrassment of explaining why she was there, and not Jackie, would probably kill her. So, she clambered over to the window, unlocked it, and made her way out.
Once in the safety of her car, Shauna began to think back to whatever had happened last night again. She remembered how whatever she said in response to Jackie made her run off to Jeff angrily. She remembered that she instantly regretted what she said, but couldn't place her finger on what it was. She strained hard, willing herself to remember more. In her desperate attempts, she almost drove her car into a tree.
“Shit!” Shauna jumped, realising she should probably pay more attention to what she was doing. She then scowled at no one and continued her journey home, staring at the passing trees as if they could give her some sort of answer.
It was probably around six thirty. That meant she only had half an hour to get home, pretend she had been in bed the whole time or come up with some story as to why she wasn't home last night. She then still had to shower and get ready for school so she could pick up Jackie. How did Jackie convince her that a party on Sunday night was a good idea?
After sneaking into the house through the back door and past the kitchen, she thought she was in the clear, until she turned the corner and a figure stood menacingly at the top of the staircase. Arms crossed and glaring, the figure tapped its foot impatiently. Shauna didn't think she could lie about being home all night this time. She looked up at her mom, bracing for impact.
“Shauna, where were you last night?” She wasn't yelling or even seemed angry; just a little sad. Shauna's mom was loving, definitely more loving than Jackie's, but they weren't that close (mostly due to Shauna's teenage angst). She never really cared if Shauna wasn't home because she was usually at Jackie's house, and she usually worked night shifts anyway.
“Ja-” Shauna tried, although by her mom's expression, she definitely already called Jackie's parents. She cut Shauna off with a sigh and a shake of the head.
“You don't have to lie to me” She looked so disappointed in Shauna, and the guilt she was already feeling almost doubled. “I already spoke to the Taylors over the phone. They're worried because Jackie didn't come home last night and thought she would be here.”
Shauna snorted involuntarily at the mention of Jackie's parents being ‘worried’, they probably acquired some revolutionary new diet pill and felt the need to force it upon Jackie. Her mom somehow looked even more unimpressed. Shauna muttered out a small “Sorry… continue.”
“So, Jackie's not here. Do you know where she is?”
“No,”
“Hm… where were you last night?” She repeated, and then, as almost an afterthought, “You look awful.”
She didn't have enough time to formulate a proper concoction of lies, so Shauna stayed quiet.
“Shauna?” She said expectantly.
“I was at Lottie's… house”, a white lie; she was at Lottie's house, before Jeff’s.
“I told you no parties on school nights. What's gotten into you lately?” Her voice broke slightly at the question.
Shauna shrugged. Her mom sighed in defeat.
“I don't know what to do with you”, she said, more to herself than to Shauna.
Silence.
“I'm gonna go shower and, uh, get ready for school.” Shauna quietly declared as she squeezed past her mom.
As the car pulled up to the curb of Jackie's house, Shauna checked the time on her watch. Seven o'clock, right on time. Jackie wasn't out the front of her house, but she would be soon. It is kind of weird that Jackie’s parents called her mom, but Jackie usually manages to call her if she (rarely) has another ride. She probably would've been home at this point and had enough time to explain she was… with Jeff or something. The safe bet was to sit in the car and wait. At least that gave her time to get her story straight about last night.
If Shauna were a better person, she'd tell Jackie what happened and beg for her forgiveness. However, she really didn't want to. It was a stupid mistake, something she could never do again. Although… Amongst all the guilt, something else flickered within her. Last night was something Jackie would never find out about. Something she could have that Jackie couldn't control. Something to make her feel powerful. She didn't think she would ever tell Jackie, she could hold over her in her mind, or a journal entry hidden within the pages; ‘I slept with your boyfriend before you even lost your virginity’.
It was taking longer than usual for Jackie to come strutting down the driveway. Shauna checked her watch again. She had been waiting for ten minutes now… maybe she just stayed at Lottie's last night, and Lottie was taking her to school?
Another five minutes passed, and Shauna made up her mind. She started up the car again and began her unnaturally quiet drive to school. Shauna signed dramatically. Jackie could've at least had the decency to ring her so she didn't have to come all the way out here.
When she vacated her beat-up Civic in the school parking lot, she noticed Natalie standing against the concrete wall of the Gymnasium, cigarette in hand, hair more fried than usual. Shauna sulked, aiming to have as few interactions with people she knew as possible; she really didn't appreciate it when Natalie made eye contact with her and opened her mouth.
“What's up, Shipman? You're looking sadder than usual,” Natalie laughed. At least she's amusing herself.
“Thanks”, she replied noncommittally. She really wanted to avoid talking further, so she began to take another step.
“No, Jackie… I see. That's why you look so depressed.” She laughed again. Clearly, Nat doesn't care that Shauna does not want to have this conversation right now. She stopped walking anyway. A small part of her hoped Natalie would suddenly reveal why Jackie wasn't at home.
“Have you seen her?” She tried for nonchalant, although judging by Natalie's expression, it definitely came off as desperate.
“I thought you two came to school together every day with that weird symbiotic relationship you guys have going on. Trouble in paradise?”
“Well fucking obviously not every day because then I'd know where she is”, Shauna snapped, opting to externally ignore the other half of what Natalie said. Internally, however, Shauna could feel hot rage seeping into her head, worsening the headache that had been taunting her since she woke up. She and Jackie aren't ‘symbiotic’; it's just Jackie likes to shove herself into every part of her life without asking Shauna if she agrees to any of it.
“Jeez, calm down, she was at Lottie's last night, right?” Shauna immediately regretted being mean to Nat when her expression had now shifted to concern.
“Yeah, and her mom called my mom because she wasn't home this morning. If she doesn't want a ride, she usually calls my house and lets me know beforehand”
“She's probably just at Jeff’s, I remember seeing them walk off together at some point” Natalie put out the rest of her cigarette and stretched her arms out while speaking.
“Mmm… no… I think Ms Taylor called his family already” (that's probably what the shuffling of shoes outside his door was coming to ask). “Mom mentioned it briefly, I think”
“Well, I don't know, I barely talk to her outside of soccer, I can ask Lottie though,”
Natalie stretched again and cracked her neck with a loud pop. Shauna looked at her with mild concern. She didn't really know what else to say, so she just nodded at her.
“Uh, thanks,”
“My pleasure, although a little less aggression would be nice”
Shauna mumbled an apology and left.
Walking through the halls without Jackie was so peaceful; she wasn't stopped every few seconds to wait for Jackie to be showered in questions like ‘Wow, Jackie! Is that a new perfume?’ Useless questions. Shauna already knew the answer to every question about her, even before Jackie responded. Because, unfortunately, even though Jackie doesn't really give a shit about her, her brain still, for some reason, likes to take note of every small detail about Jackie. It's like there's a corner in her mind specifically for storing information about her. Usually, she would get excited to learn new, mundane information about Jackie; however, these conversations meant she'd be forced to stand awkwardly and watch, never providing anything of substance.
Math class was a class she didn't have with Jackie, so Shauna wasn't surprised that she didn't see her in the halls. It didn't matter anyway; it's a good thing she hasn't seen Jackie yet. Shauna can never say no to those big eyes. Those eyes that could manipulate Shauna into doing whatever she wants if she batted her eyelashes enough.
Taissa sat next to Shauna in math. She was already in her seat and looked up, grinning when she spotted Shauna.
Taissa was the only person other than Jackie she considered an actual friend. Jackie didn't like Shauna to have other friends, always complaining that she was spending too much time without her when Shauna brought up other people, even though Jackie was the most popular girl in the school.
“Heya, Shipman, you look glum” She smirked at Shauna as she pulled out the chair for her.
“Why is everyone so interested in how I'm feeling today?”
“I'm sorry that I'm your friend and I care about you?” Taissa doodled with one of her fancy pens absent-mindedly. It made an irritating scratching sound, even though it looked like it cost more than her entire stationery set. She could take that pen and snap it if she wanted to; she was close enough, and it would do everyone a favour.
Jesus, she needed to calm the fuck down.
Shauna turned to Tai and let out a long, dramatic breath, rolling her eyes.
“Is this about Jackie?”
“Oh my god, it's like everyone thinks I'm in love with her or something. I have a life outside of her, you know?” She practically growled.
Taissa didn't seem taken aback; instead, she laughed. In Shauna's face. Some friend.
“Shauna, you need anger management or something. Nat told me you were looking for her, warned me you'd probably be like… this.” She waved her hand in Shauna's face to add emphasis.
“Whatever,” she huffed and turned to her book, opening it on an empty page and writing the date so aggressively the ink bled through multiple pages. “Fucking piece of shit”
Taissa snorted again. Can she stop doing that?
“So… definitely not about Jackie. Come on, you only get like this when you two fight. You wanna tell me what happened?”
No. She really didn't want to tell Taissa that she slept with Jeff last night. She really didn't want to be having this conversation at all, as a matter of fact.
“Can you just drop it? I'll tell you later,” Shauna was counting on Taissa forgetting this whole conversation when the lesson started.
Taissa raised her hands in mock defeat.
“Holding you to it, Shipman”
Great.
Thankfully, more students started filing in, and Taissa had turned to talk to one of their classmates she didn't know the name of.
Shauna stared at the date on the corner of the page. She was starting to freak out just a little bit. It is a little pathetic, though, isn't it? Last time Jackie no-showed, she was in bed deathly sick, she couldn't even get up to the phone. She could be having an awful hangover, and like, she's definitely just getting a lift from Lottie; they both just slept in, and she'll be at school soon.
“Mr Barry isn't here today, so you have me. I don't really know anything about math. I haven't thought about it since graduation” The familiar voice of Coach Scott interrupted Shauna's spiralling.
“If you don't know me, I'm Ben Scott. You can call me Coach if you want; I don't care. I'm just going to read what he left for you guys and trust you're going to do it; all of textbook questions 11-12c. Okay, so… do that, and if you need help… I'll try my best. Just don’t talk too loudly and ask me for help by raising your hand, not shouting across the room”
Awesome, again, just great. Shauna had already completed those questions. That meant she had nothing to distract herself with and would continue to freak out for the rest of the lesson. The room felt small, and her chest was tight. She couldn't keep her thoughts off of Jackie.
Her hand shot up almost involuntarily.
“What's up, Shauna?” Ben asked. He seemed quite unimpressed that he had to answer the demands of a student within a minute of his sitting down.
“Um, I feel sick,” Shauna said, vaguely.
Taissa smirked at her, eyebrows raised. Can she stop trying to piss her off? Shauna would just like to leave without judgment. Thank you very much.
“Very convincing, do your work”
“No, seriously, I think I'm going to faint.”
She needed to get out of the room, or she might actually be sick. She looked at Ben, trying to convey how much she needed to leave silently. Throwing up in a room full of teenage boys over Jackie Taylor seemed like her own perfectly curated hell.
“I did this last night anyway”, she added, hoping to sweeten the deal.
Ben sighed and checked his watch.
“I guess, if you must,”
Shauna didn't reply; she quickly collected her things, rushing out of the room. She could feel everyone's eyes on her.
“Sir, can I go too? I've done my work,” a boy in her class asked as she turned to walk down the hallway. She heard him laugh stupidly, muffled through the walls.
“I highly doubt that, Randy”
Of course, it was Randy. Shauna would be impressed if he completed even half of the questions in the next hour. Why did Jackie want her to date such a moronic asshole? Surely, there were better guys than him around. He couldn't be the only option.
She decided it was best to go hide in the bathroom and complete some English work for extra credit. The bathroom was cramped, sure, but she didn't have a classroom of judgy teenagers and a nosy Taissa surrounding her. Maybe she could use this as an opportunity to actually get her story straight, because she hadn't done that yet.
If Jackie asks, where was she last night?
At home?
Her mom already told Jackie's parents she wasn’t home; that lie would fall apart immediately.
Maybe she could ask one of her friends to cover for her and say that she was at their house. Taissa might understand. She could vaguely tell Tai she had a one-night stand with some boy she didn't know well, but she knew Jackie would make losing her virginity before her a huge deal. Jackie would make this a thing if she found out. Like she needed permission to have sex.
Obviously, she's allowed to do what she wants to. She can have sex with whoever she wants whenever she wants. And if that includes sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend, well, it might not be the best-friend-thing to do, but it's not illegal. Even though she knew this, her stomach still turned with guilt that had nothing to do with it being Jeff she slept with.
The sex was not great, she had always imagined her first would be with someone who knew what they were doing, who cared about her and made sure she was okay. Not hurriedly, quietly and drunk in the back of a car. However, it definitely wasn't as terrible as Jackie made everything about Jeff seem to be. She wasn't even sure if Jackie liked to kiss Jeff, always complaining about him moving his tongue too much ‘it's like he's trying to... eat my tongue? Shauna, it's such a turn off’. When Shauna had offered solutions such as ‘why don't you just tell him what you tell me?’, or when she was feeling particularly bold ‘just fucking break up already’ Jackie would laugh at her and tell her she's being dramatic, as if she wasn't the one complaining for the previous fifteen minutes about her boyfriend wanting to ‘hold her hand too much’. Jackie just loved the drama of it all; the attention Shauna would give her, like the dog for her she is.
She pulled out her journal and started a new entry.
‘Jackie The Dramatic,
I slept with Jeff.
It didn't create any exponential changes like my drunken self must've thought it would. I'd never touch that creature with a ten-foot pole sober.
You'll never know that I slept with him unless I tell you. Besides, I don't know why it would matter to you, you don't even like kissing the man. I don't think you'll ever sleep with him. It's cruel honestly. He practically begged me on his hands and knees to fuck him. At least I have something you don't share now. You can make out and hold his hands in public, but you'll never be able to take his virginity now.
Somehow, though, even though I lost my virginity last night. The only thing I'm thinking about is you; how if you ever found out, you're going to hate me forever. I think that's why I did it. I had to sleep with him; it was the only way to get you out of my life. I finally have something to break our ‘symbiotic relationship' (thanks, Natalie). And if I ever tell you, I'll be halfway to Brown, so I'll never have to see you again.
Even after writing down these thoughts, you still won't leave my mind. Maybe you never will. I don't know where you went last night, no one I've spoken to does, but maybe it's too early in the day to spiral completely. This is what I fucking mean, you take over my head, all my thoughts are ‘Jackie, Jackie, Jackie!’ Maybe you're too close to me all the time. Physical distance will work; it has to, I can't be your loyal servant for the rest of my life.
Shauna The Dog’
She closed her journal and placed it in her backpack, noticing how her face was hot, and she still felt nauseous. What time was it? How long has she been writing for? Is Jackie at school yet? She snorted in disbelief at her own thoughts still drifting back to Jackie, even when it's not correlated at all. She was squeezing her pen hard, only realizing a fraction too late as the ink exploded in her hand.
“Fucking shit! Fucking piece of shit- fucking-”
“Shauna?” Taissa?
“Taisaa?”
“Shauna?”
“Is Jackie with you?” Shauna asked as quickly as she could. She was glad she was sitting in a stall with the door locked; she didn't need Tai seeing her in such an embarrassing state.
“No, Shauna, nobody has heard anything”
Shauna attempted to hide the inevitable sniffling from Taissa by shuffling around her journal and not answering for quite a few seconds.
“That's… that's okay, Tai. Thanks”
“I have a free period, do you want company?”
Shauna should definitely go to class instead. Just so she wasn't skipping. But, she knew that if she did, the reality was that she wouldn't do any work and would probably have to leave dramatically again. It was English class anyway; she could do her work with Taissa.
Anything is better than sulking over Jackie Taylor.
“Okay,” she unlocked the stall door, “make yourself at home,” Shauna said dryly.
Tai giggled and sat down, plonking a pile of books and stationery on the floor.
She looked at Shauna's hand with a confused expression, which Shauna parroted. Until she looked down too. Oh yeah. The ink. She didn't care much about the jeans she was wearing, so she went to wipe her hands on them.
“What on earth are you doing?” she giggled.
“...Cleaning my hands…?” What a stupid question… What did it look like she was doing?
“We're in a bathroom, use the sink”, Taissa punched Shauna playfully in the shoulder. Shauna immediately felt guilty again. This aggression was getting out of hand.
When Shauna returned from washing her hands, Tai was observing all of Shauna's books, mildly interested.
“You left so early last night,” Tai announced. Shauna didn't respond; she didn't feel that it required an answer. So what if she left early?
After what Taissa must've decided was enough time that Shauna wouldn't reply, she continued.
“I assumed you and Jackie left together, but I guess the fight was the last time you guys spoke, huh?”
Shauna still didn't reply; she didn't understand why Tai was pointing out the obvious. Doesn't she know this is pissing her off?
“Only chatty with Natalie today, then?” Taissa let out an exaggerated, mocking sigh yet kept flicking her eyes back to Shauna.
“Maybe I don't want to talk about Jackie right now, my life doesn't revolve around her,” she scoffed defensively. She had turned away from Tai and faced the stall door
“As you've reiterated a few times already. I said I’d hold you to it; what's going on?”
“Fuck, Tai. I lost my virginity last night, happy now?”
Shauna couldn't see Tai but pictured her expression all the same. The silence between them was probably paired with a judgmental look. Taissa was never very good at keeping her emotions from displaying proudly on her face.
The continued silence stretched far longer than necessary and was only broken when Taissa began shuffling around in the cramped stall to face Shauna.
“...Is that not a good thing?”
“Jackie's gonna be so mad!” Shauna exclaimed. She quickly stopped herself. She did not mean to say that, and she did not want to tell Taissa that it was Jeff.
Jackie and Tai never needed to know she slept with Jeff. But oh, Miss ‘obviously I'm gonna lose my virginity first’ Taylor would not be happy when learning she had sex at all.
Eyebrows furrowed, mouth agape, Taissa stared at her with utter confusion. Shauna swore she could hear the cogs turning in her head.
“What the fuck could that possibly mean?”
And then her eyes widened, a look of understanding.
“Did you two…?” She said softly, more cautiously.
Now was Shauna's turn for shock and confusion. Did she seriously think her and Jackie would… Well, Jackie is straight, so like… and she is too, probably. Well, she hadn't really thought about it. Mediocre sex with a guy must be confirmation enough that she likes men. Shauna felt her cheeks start to burn. What the hell was going on?
“No! Tai- What-No- I mean… Jackie? I didn't- We didn't- I'm not-” Shauna was spluttering and could barely get a word out.
Taissa put her hand on Shauna's shoulder comfortingly.
“You know it's okay, right? I'm- well, I'll always be here for you…”
“Tai, stop! That's not what happened, you- we- Shit! I slept with… some random guy after the party”
Taissa retracted her hand and looked mildly embarrassed but attentive all the same. Shauna thought she may have seen a twinge of disappointment in the mix.
“Why would she be mad then?” Taissa seemed to want to skip past the dwelling on what she was implying, and Shauna wasn't complaining.
“She… I don't know… she always said she'd, uh…” Shauna wasn't quite sure if she should be revealing this about Jackie or not. Whatever! Fuck Jackie! “...she always thought she'd lose it before me”
The unsaid ‘Jackie and Jeff have been together since fucking freshman year and still haven't slept together properly’ hung in the air.
“...oh, I see,” She squinted at Shauna, still processing everything that just happened, “even if she'd be jealous, you shouldn't feel bad for doing things at your own pace. Jackie doesn't dictate when you can or can't do things.”
“I know that,” she said simply.
It wasn't simple. There was this indescribable magnetism that drew Shauna to Jackie. Jackie manipulated the air around her; she made Shauna feel obsessed to the point of nausea. That's why she needed a clean cut. She couldn't be the one to do it. She had to hurt Jackie so she'd let her go.
“Thanks, Tai,” Shauna added, in hopes the conversation would be over.
“I'm sure Jackie will come around, you guys argue and then are joined at the hip, it's gonna be alright!”
“Right”, she forced a curt smile and decided it was probably time to actually study.
Jackie
Jackie was only trying to tell Shauna that she deserved better than all the boys here. Randy Walsh isn't intelligent, or frankly, very interesting, but he is Jeff's best friend. And if they got together, all four of them could go on fun little double dates! It was such a perfect idea; maybe going on dates with Jeff would be more palatable with Shauna there. Everything usually is.
But of course, she said the wrong thing.
Jackie never seemed to have the right words around Shauna. She wasn't good with expressing herself in the ways Shauna is, always writing in her journal, always scoring the highest in English, always dropping fancy vocabulary like it's nothing, leaving Jackie in awe.
‘Randy told Jeff to tell me to tell you that he likes the dress you're wearing tonight!’ Jackie declared, sipping her drink, winking at Shauna.
‘Right…’ Shauna replied, clearly uninterested.
‘Randy’s the best you're gonna get in Wisayakok, New Jersey'.
It was stupid. Shauna looked like she could kill someone as her eye twitched. Jackie shouldn't have said it. She wanted to go up to Shauna and apologize, explaining she didn't mean it that way. She couldn't, with the crowd forming around them.
So, she ran over to Jeff, flung her arms around him, plastered on that smile that ached a little around the corners, to safety. People stopped staring then.
In all honesty, Jackie didn't even want to think about Jeff; she wanted to go back to Shauna, but she had already stomped off in anger. When it seemed as though the onlookers were completely satisfied in knowing that Jackie Loves Jeff, Jackie released her grip on Jeff and walked away.
That was the last thing she remembered before waking up, quite uncomfortably in a pile of dirt and sticks. It was a quick jolt out of the strange dreams she was having, full of sharp silhouettes and visions of murdering animals. Gross.
When she fully gained consciousness, she noticed an aching in her neck, consistent and continuous. Unconsciously, she lifted a hand to her neck. Blood? It was hard to tell in the dark of the evening. She looked down at the rest of her body, frantic. She was covered in this maybe-probably-blood.
“What the actual fuck?!” Jackie screeched.
And then she realised she didn't know where she was. Surrounded by thick woods, the trees seemed to groan and whistle at her. Jackie was panicking now. What the hell was going on? Why was she even in these woods to begin with? Were they the ones surrounding Lottie's? Hopefully.
She decided to stand up and brace herself; freaking out on the ground wouldn't do anything to help. She noticed as soon as she stood up that she was painfully hungry. The kind of hunger that felt like her insides were eating itself. It's strange that she felt this hungry. She ate, what, ten-ish minutes ago? Well, a handful of gummy worms doesn't really classify as nutrition. Still, weird.
And then, Jackie could smell pizza. Maybe she was hallucinating, but the smell was so intense, and she was so damn hungry, she blindly followed it, winding through the thick woods. She started feeling desperate, speeding up a bit. Until she tripped over a branch and fell face-first into some mud. It didn't stop her for long, as she brushed off the worst on her face and continued, even faster, ignoring that this was how she tripped just ten seconds prior. The leaves and branches started to thin; moonlight shone through the canopy above. She started smiling.
Finally, A clearing. When she squinted, she could see Lottie's mansion upon the hill. The smell of pizza intensified, and somehow, Jackie felt like she was moving faster than she ever had before. She couldn't even produce this speed in soccer matches that depended on it. She must be starving.
It took less than 30 seconds for her to approach Lottie's back door, where she banged on it frantically and loudly.
“Lottie! Lottie?”
She could hear the shuffling of footsteps headed towards the door. Hold on a second, where the fuck is everyone? She was literally just here, and there were like, what? At least fifty people here?
A puffy-eyed Lottie revealed herself, decked in expensive matching sleepwear and cute fluffy bunny slippers that Jackie would absolutely compliment if she weren't in a state of such confusion and fear. Jackie felt Lottie sweep her eyes over her. In the first split-second of Lottie taking in Jackie's presence, she wore a mildly confused face that quickly morphed into horror.
“Holy fucking shit, Taylor? What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck?” Lottie repeated. She was hyperventilating, holding her chest, and her usual cool and collected demeanor was replaced with an emotion Jackie had never seen her with before.
In her overwhelming hunger, she forgot she was covered in dirt and sticks, and the probably-maybe-blood was definitely blood now she was standing under the fairy lights on the back porch.
“I can explain!” Jackie definitely can't.
Was Lottie crying? Jackie reached out for her shoulder, unsure what she was supposed to do in this situation. Fortunately, a blonde-haired Laura Lee, wearing the same matching pyjamas as Lottie's, seemed to bound down the hallway, pizza slice in hand.
As soon as she processed Jackie's… appearance, she gripped her cross necklace and held Lottie tightly on her side. For some reason, Jackie was unable to control herself and ripped the pizza out of Laura Lee's hand, stuffing it into her mouth. She ate the entire slice in one bite.
Instantly, the beast begging for food calmed. Except now that she could think about anything other than food, she fully processed what the fuck was happening.
“I'm so sorry! I don't know what the fucks going on. I swear I was just arguing with Shauna over some stupid petty shit with Jeff and Randy, and then I just like… woke up in the woods? I don't know what's happening, I'm so sorry!” Apologising was the only thing Jackie could think of to try to calm Lottie down.
Laura Lee was soft and gentle with Lottie, running her fingers through her hair as she lowered her to the ground. She undid her cross necklace and placed it around Lottie's neck. She looked up at Jackie, holding Lottie's hand and spoke evenly.
“Jackie, we haven't seen you since last night. You've been gone for a full…” Laura Lee checked her watch “... twenty-four hours now!”
Jackie felt her eyes widen as she stumbled backwards, catching herself on the fencing of the porch.
“I- fuck- what?” Jackie felt her eyes start to well with tears.
“Shauna's been so worried- I mean- we all were, but we thought- well, we assumed you were with Jeff or- I don't know.” Her previous efforts to respond calmly had depleted quickly, as though Jackie's response freaked her out. Laura Lee was shaking slightly, but she seemed like she was trying to keep herself sane for Lottie.
“I've been gone for… twenty-four hours. Hey. What? What is going on? And-and- why am I covered in blood and dirt and- shit- my neck hurts so bad.” Jackie was waving her hands around, shaking them violently, as if it would provide some answers.
“Yikes! Jackie, that's a nasty cut on your neck!” Laura Lee surged forward, lightly dropping Lottie's hand, which seemed to go limp, over the threshold of the doorway. She held Jackie's face tightly to get a better look at it.
“We need to get you inside and clean it before it gets infected. We'd be lucky if it doesn't get worse, considering the state you're in,” Laura Lee, still looking frightened, tried for a comforting smile that didn't land quite right, although it was better than being examined like some demonic creature.
“Uh, can I… come in? Like, is that a good idea?” Jackie motioned towards Lottie.
“Yeah- yes”, Lottie croaked out from the floor before Laura Lee could answer.
Laura Lee looked concerned, but she held out her hand for Jackie, pulling her into the house. Jackie watched Laura Lee mumble something to Lottie and help her up.
“One second, Jackie,” she said, as she guided Lottie to the couch. Jackie watched from afar as Laura Lee held Lottie's face with such care. She was suddenly reminded of Shauna, how Shauna would hold her face when they were five or six after Jackie tripped and fell off her bike, telling her, ‘It's okay, Jax! We can try again tomorrow, and you'll be super super good by then!'
And then, recent memories of how Shauna would caress her cheek when she cried, or during sleepovers, when she thought Jackie was asleep. And that one time, last summer, when Shauna, way too drunk, held her face, kissed her forehead and nuzzled into her chest, falling asleep instantly. Shauna was probably the best thing to happen to her. Jackie smiles to herself, despite the situation around her, despite the fact she could feel dirt and blood clinging to her forehead and despite the fact that when she looked down, she could see the unsalvageable damage inflicted on one of her favourite dresses.
But then, when she thought a little harder, she realised she's fucked up. The last time she spoke to Shauna, they were arguing; she's such a terrible friend. Shauna's probably worried sick, and the last thing Jackie said to her was insulting. Jackie doesn't deserve Shauna's kindness and love.
Before she could spiral further, Laura Lee reappeared.
“Jackie, I'm going to take you to the bathroom, run a bubble bath and call Shauna. Can you write down her number here?” She held out a piece of paper and a pen. Jackie recited it aloud without missing a beat as she wrote the numbers down on the paper.
Laura Lee then showed her to the bathroom, fumbled around with the fancy soaps and flashed Jackie a small smile.
“It's going to be okay, he always has a plan,” Laura Lee looked up to the sky (bathroom ceiling) and sighed with satisfaction.
“Thanks,” Jackie learnt to take Laura Lee's insertion of God into everything as her way of showing how much she cares.
The door shut with a click, and Jackie stripped her clothes and sighed into the warm water of the bath. This bath felt unnaturally good on her skin; maybe it was Lottie's exorbitant soaps, or maybe it was exactly what Jackie needed at that moment.
The warm water soothed all of the aches in her limbs, she didn't even realise they were there, and she groaned, throwing her head back into the bath, eyes shut. She couldn't think about anything other than acknowledging the bliss she felt. She dipped her head back into the water again, then massaged her hair with her fingertips.
She didn't know how long she'd been lying there when an urgent knock at the door jolted her to consciousness again.
“Jax, Jackie!!!” Shauna was panting and sounded close to tears.
“Shit, Shipman, give me a second!”Jackie jumped up, forgetting about the bath, rummaged through her clothes and put on a bra and underwear, then hastily unlocked the door.
Shauna stepped into the room, closed the door, clicked the lock again behind her and launched herself at Jackie, almost tackling her to the ground. Shauna's eyes were puffy and red-rimmed, her face was splotchy, and she had absolutely been crying for at least the last twenty minutes. But she was smiling, smiling and crying.
“I thought- I thought- I don't know-” Shauna's heart was beating so fast, she could feel it through the fabric of her t-shirt. She was brushing the wet hair out of Jackie's face repeatedly with one hand and feeling all over her face with the other. She felt her skin prickle in a way that had nothing to do with the cold bathroom floor.
“Shipman, relax, just a bit! I can't breathe,” Jackie wheezed. This seems a little dramatic, yeah, no one knew where she was, and she'd probably do this if Shauna went missing for a day, but Shauna is more of a stoic type; she never reacts to this extent.
“Right, sorry- I'm. Let me help you finish cleaning up.” Shauna peeled herself off Jackie and then, seemingly realising that she had just tackled a mostly naked Jackie to the floor, turned visibly red, “Fuck, sorry. Oh my god,”
“It's okay, Shauna, really. It must've been scary,” she laughed slightly, although nothing was really that funny. As she spoke, she instinctively lifted her hand to itch her neck; the continuous hum of pain hadn't stopped, although it softened and was more itchy than anything now. Shauna had risen to her feet and avoided looking at Jackie properly.
“Jackie, this water is… disgusting” Shauna laughed as she peered over the bathtub. Jackie looked in it as well. It was deep, vast, brown-black. Jackie couldn't help but laugh.
“Ew!” Jackie exclaimed, a little giggly.
“Hm, I'll drain the water,” Shauna declared, rolling up her sleeves. This action particularly stood out to her for some reason; she watched the way the fabric folded and bunched at her elbow and how she could see slightly muscled forearms that had definitely gotten bigger in the last month or so. Something seemed to alert that beast in her stomach ever so slightly. She felt her cheeks flush a little, and Jackie looked away.
Shauna always had this way of making every movement ten times more intriguing than if anyone else did it. So unintentionally perfect and yet when Jackie would point out her excellence, Shauna would be humble and deny it like her life depended on it, ‘you're just saying that because you're my best friend!’
Hunger. Why was she hungry again?
Neither of them said anything as the water drained from the bath with a loud gurgle.
Shauna started filling the tub back up, checking the water temperature with her hands and flinching when the water was too hot. Shauna was so kind to her; she always knew what Jackie needed, she knew the exact temperature she liked, and when to put in the soap so it would have the exact amount of bubbles she wanted. And, yes, she could probably do this herself right now, but it always made her warm inside when Shauna would do things like this for her. She just did it better.
“Thank you for coming here,” Jackie said quietly.
“I'm glad you're not dead”, Shauna replied, too monotone to be a joke.
“I'm glad I'm not dead too…” Why did it feel awkward? Her best friend since as long as she could remember. And it was awkward? It was never like this with Shauna.
When the water was refilled and the bubbles were perfect, Shauna turned around to face her, still not really looking at her.
“I guess I'll just… wait outside the door?” Shauna said, scratching her head.
“Maybe you could… stay here…? The last hour has been so scary, I can't imagine what it was like for you,” Jackie asked softly, and then she felt her cheeks burn “Shit! I mean, like when we were kids and we would bathe in our bathing suits together! Or like, you don't have to get in as well, you could just- just um, stay and watch- I mean talk to me”
Shauna was staring at her eyebrows raised like this was some kind of joke.
“Uh, sure, I guess”, she smirked in that Shauna way that looked like she was holding back a bigger smile.
Jackie climbed back into the bath, which she was now appreciating the size of. It was definitely big enough for the two of them, but it would be a little cozy.
She didn't know why, as they've changed in front of each other so many times before, but she stared down at the bubbles as she silently waited for Shauna to get in. She heard Shauna unbuckle her belt, too slowly in her opinion. When she heard her pants drop to the floor, she felt a little warmer. She was too impatient for this. A few seconds later, she heard what must've been Shauna’s shirt join her jeans.
Then, the sound of her footsteps approached, and Jackie looked up. Shauna sank into the bath in front of her. Everything still felt awkward and heavy. Jackie opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again.
She didn't mean to stare. That being said, she noticed Shauna was wearing the sports bra she usually did when they had soccer practice. Oh yeah, soccer. She could talk about that.
“How'd practice go without me?” Jackie asked, grinning, “Did Misty drool at the opportunity to run things her way?”
“Uh, well- I… I didn't go, Jax” Shauna's eyes were darting around again, seemingly trying not to cry.
“ I'll be at practice tomorrow. I promise,” Jackie reached out a hand to comfort Shauna.
“Can we talk about something else?” Shauna asked, anxious for her response.
“Of course, Shippy!” Jackie beamed at her.
“Shippy? We're not 10 anymore!” She said between fits of giggles. Jackie didn't know what compelled her to use that nickname she hadn't used in years, but it made Shauna smile, so she was glad.
“What's wrong with 'Shippy'?” She pouted, feigning offence, poorly stifling a giggle.
Shauna rolled her eyes, smile still wide as ever.