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Despite the freezing weather, you stood by the railings of the mother base, watching over the sea.
You were bothered by the fact that there was a heavy feeling within you, one that ached your heart and churned in your belly. That feeling was none other than—
Yearning.
A constant fervent emotion that often led to nowhere. The very same that crumbled your calm facade, your hands that gripped the railings tightened from the cold. They both shook at the thought of— the slightest mention of love.
That day when your sub-commander came back, he was no longer the charismatic, confident young man he once was. You felt yourself a little weakened by the sight of Miller, the once a soothe to the eyes had became a storm of relentless anger for revenge.
The way he talked had changed, his voice, his thoughts, his actions and intentions. Yet there was no change for you, you've survived and fought back, you remained where you've always been, that included your unrequited yearning, nothing's changed.
Now you stood at the edge of it all, having overheard the conversation Miller had with Ocelot. Big Boss wasn't Big Boss, where you stood now is a sham, everything had truly changed for good.
He was planning to leave tonight, after all this time and hard work. To leave this base for the purpose of training Big Boss's clone, to defeat Big Boss.
"Big Boss can go to hell."
You stared blankly at the waves of salt water, illuminated by the violaceous sky that was slowly turning darker each moments that passed. What are you going to do without him here? To stay here and continue this sham with Venom Snake?
Perhaps you ought to leave too, though you know you won't be in the same path as Miller. It's better than doing nothing about this, though you couldn't tell anyone else the knowledge you've procured.
Because there is no way for you to be with him, you knew he wouldn't need assistance, you knew that there was no way you could spend another minute by his side anymore.
The air got colder the moment the sky finally turned dark, you had been staring at the sea for an hour now. A confession would be rejected especially when he's going to leave, a request to assist would be rejected, and you stood there thinking of anything, everything you could say that could perhaps give you the chance to stay by his side.
Nothing.
There was absolutely no possible thing you could've said that would change anything. Which only served to weakened your composure, the facade you've put up for more than ten years. You have no purpose here anymore, perhaps it's time you let go of this facade, since it's only meant for you to stay professional and to mask your emotional turmoil.
It's been two hours now since you were standing here, still staring out to the sea, only now you were leaning against the wall behind you, your freezing hands finally warmed within your pockets.
You had accepted the fact that you could never be with him, yet you still kept your face expressionless despite the hurt within you. It felt impossible to show much emotions after preserving it within you for so long, you wish it was all a joke, just like the old days.
You reminisced of the past, a drunken Kaz stumbled his way to you, egging you to drink too and to quit being so serious all the damn time. You'd huffed, and pinch his cheek as you reminded him of his duties as the sub-commander of this mercenary business.
The nights where he'd intentionally passed by the way you were patrolling, giving you a wink after you had rejected his advances. The way he'd pout when he was angry at you for scaring off the female soldiers after he had tried to make his advances towards them. The way he'd offer such a sweet smile when he'd drag you to the beach with him to watch the sunset together, and the way his skin was illuminated by the darkening orange sky.
You'd often catch yourself imagining how warm his skin would feel, how his lips would feel against yours, how tight would his embrace would be, how heavy would he be if he rests his whole weight against yours, how salty would his skin tastes, and much inappropriate imaginations that one shouldn't have.
You didn't want to admit it, but you were shy when he was around. The longing extends to no end, and you could only stare at him in awe and admiration.
You especially adored the way he moved, the gentle sway of his hips when he smoothly walked past you, his scent lingered for a moment too long that you didn't even notice that you were staring a little too low behind him. His voice that softened each time the base was a little quieter, the way he talked like he was on top of the world, and the way his lips moved.
A harsh burning was felt in your chest, your clutched at the fabric of your own uniform right above your chest as you exhaled, your heart was pounding hard. There was hunger that churned in your stomach, a hunger for something you can't have.
You wish you hadn't rejected him back then.
It's been three hours now, the stars glimmer above the clear sky with a calm that you've never felt before. Everything was so quiet, even the endless splashing waves, so quiet that you could make out the familiar sound of the helicopter engine starting.
Panic rushed within you, and without thinking, you speed walked in the shadows before the lights not wanting to be seen, and jogged towards where the helipad was located. You couldn't run, you felt too sick and too weak for that.
Your stomach churned again.
The jog came to a slow, sauntering walk to hide behind the darkened space behind a building, not too close yet not too far from the helipad, just enough to conceal yourself from anyone's gaze. You watched as the helicopter's rotor blade spun.
There he was.
A mix of emotions crowded you as you watched Miller slowly limped towards the helipad, his expression held nothing but the sternness that aged him. Tears stung your eyes, and you quickly wiped them away. You didn't want to cry, it doesn't feel right. Because what you are feeling right now was slightly different from the hurt before, you felt—
Proud.
You're proud that he's finally free from all of this, the false illusion of becoming warriors, the painful memories he had endured, and the sickening smell of the sea that you've gotten used to. You felt inspired by his strength, his composure, and his brazenness to finally leave this all behind.
You watched as he limped towards the helicopter, and it never failed to surprise you that his beret never flew off his head even once from the wind pressure of the rotor blade. You stared at him in awe, the longing was tugging at your heart, and for the first time in so long, you felt content that you did.
He looked gorgeous despite everything else, whether it's the lack of limbs or his weight gain, it only served fuel to the fire in your heart. He's beautiful in a way you couldn't explain, a way that has been bothering you for so long.
He turned his head over his shoulder, looking back at the base with an unreadable expression, perhaps he's looking back at this place that he worked hard to build for the last time with at least a little regret or relief, or perhaps even hatred.
He's worked so hard for all of this only to let it go in the end, you truly thought he'd suffered enough, maybe even too much.
You couldn't see his eyes since they were hidden behind his aviators, but for some reason, you could've sworn you felt his gaze burning through you. You retreated slightly within the dark to remain cautious, but you never took your eyes off of him.
The way he gripped tightly at his crutch, the way he turned away and took a step into the helicopter looked almost reluctant. You wiped at your eyes again, your patience wavering.
"Goodbye, Kaz." You whispered to yourself. You knew you weren't ready for this at all, weren't ready to let him go just yet, you were reluctant when you knew you wanted him, now you can only regret.
You watched as the helicopter door slammed shut, slowly lifting off the ground.
"Fuck.." You muttered as you remembered the photos Big Boss— V had stuck onto the helicopter wall. There were many pictures of V, Ocelot and Kaz with the others, as well as some pictures of you cuddling DD, posing with the other soldiers and so on.
"It's going to hurt to look at..." You thought to yourself, watching as the helicopter took off. You felt the extreme need to step out into the light and send him off with at least a wave of goodbye or maybe even stop him from leaving, but that would only make the matter hurt worse.
You stood there for a long time, watching as the helicopter slowly disappeared from your view, and still stared despite the empty sky. This feeling would never leave you, as the matter of fact, the wound had just became a scar that stained your heart.
There was no longer a maybe or what if, only—
"One day, Kaz, one day, I'll make sure to return by your side." You gave into your emotions, tears finally pouring out of your eyes like a drain that needed to be unclogged, a decade of emotions finally let out.
You slowly retreated back into the dark, letting the freezing air embrace you as you walked away with renewed inspiration to change for the better, a sense of pride as well as bravery to leave this hellhole too for good, and find him again one day.
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Yearning to be loved,
Yearning to be together,
Yearning to understand,
Yearning to listen,
Yearning to stay.