Chapter Text
There’s something unsettling about being in the Upside Down. Like at any turn some new monster is going to try and rip their faces off. They made it to the Lab but it was almost too easy. It’s not something any of them want to say out loud but it’s unsaid and heavy between them all as they open the doors. The quiet is almost oppressive as it hangs heavy like a grey shroud over them. It shouldn’t have been so easy. They made it all the way from the cemetery to the Lab, on foot no less, without interference from demobats, or demogorgons or demodogs or whatever new monster is out there. Hell, they’d managed to completely avoid the military as well and that felt pure like pure dumb luck than anything.
But the thing about luck is that it has to run out sooner rather than later.
They’re staring at the bulk of Hawkins Lab, and it feels somehow scarier now they’re right at the door of it. There’s this fear prickling at the back of Steve’s neck that maybe they didn’t outrun all the evil things that usually stand in their way. Maybe they’re all just waiting inside.
It wouldn’t be the first time they’d just blatantly walked into a trap.
It doesn’t get easier. Putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that they’re walking in the right direction without anything to tell them if they’ve succeeded or not other than making it out the other side. Instinctively, Steve squeezes Eddie’s hand tighter.
Sometimes the only thing waiting on the other side is just more pain.
It’s death and blood and misery, ripped out by demogorgons and demodogs and demobats.
Steve’s hoping against hope that none of that’s waiting inside for them and if not, that it’s not something worse.
God, he hopes it’s not anything worse.
Eddie’s lightly drumming against Steve’s knuckles and it’s reassuring, just knowing he’s there. That there’s enough energy thrumming through him to turn Steve into the surface for the little concert he’s playing. Steve’s not even sure if the song is one he knows, or even if Eddie knows the song. Maybe it’s not even anything, but it helps.
Like everything about Eddie’s existence, it helps settle the fear somehow. Makes it easier to push back, to roll back his shoulders and march towards the damn door.
The second Steve lets go of Eddie’s hand he misses the weight of it. It feels like a physical loss, like leaving a part of himself behind. Which is absolutely ridiculous on so many levels. He just needs to help Jonathan open the doors and that is really a two handed activity. Not that they couldn’t have both gone up but that was borderline ridiculous and Steve knows he’s already pushing it with his level of clinginess. Letting go so he can go and help open the doors, the thing they’re actually here for, won’t be the end of the world. And if he keeps his eyes on Eddie as much as he can while he does it, then who is to say anything about it.
Dustin that’s who. He’s not said anything yet but he keeps looking between them like he’s figured out something very important. Steve’s honestly not sure how much longer he can keep it in but he knows he needs to avoid having any one on one time with Dustin until they’re at least back to solid ground.
He needs to speak to Robin first and then once that’s done he can throw himself at Dustin’s mercy.
After the grave, they’ve been pretty much good? There’s a weird tension between them but it’s subtle, like an adjustment more than anything. Dustin’s been mourning Eddie for the past eighteen months while Steve kept this from him. It was never going to be resolved with one hug without having an actual conversation about it at some point.
Steve knew Eddie for a week, mourned him for a week and then discovered for that second week Eddie had become the newest resident of the Harrington house. So he hadn’t grieved, really, not like Dustin had.
But he had grieved differently. Once the Eddie feelings he tried so hard to ignore started solidifying a bit more until they were an actual lump that sat heavy in his heart,with the ache of an unavoidable pain, the grief started taking a different shape. No matter how much he wanted to try and just pretend that everything was fine again, it wasn’t possible. After that he’d grieved what he’d never gotten. He hadn’t been able to actually cuddle up on a sofa and let their shoulders bump against each other without worrying they were going to phase through each other. He could have cooked for Eddie and not just cooked while Eddie watched, unable to join in afterward. He could have slowly but surely built up the confidence to make some kind of move.
He used to have moves. He’d have figured something out.
But that was just the fantasy he got to nurse while living with a ghost who could not cuddle, could not eat and could not have moves put on him.
The thing is, Steve is more than okay with those fantasies living in his head. It’s where they’d stayed, tucked away safe and secret for as long as he’d been keeping Eddie a secret. So he doesn’t need some loud-mouthed kid opening up all those carefully packaged thoughts and spilling them all out for everyone to see.
He doesn’t want to have to explain them to Eddie. Doesn’t want to have to explain them to Dustin.
Steve isn’t sure which one fills him with more dread. Both conversations sound daunting and horrible and have the potential to completely blow up his life and take some of the most important relationships with them.
Hence why no conversations were going to be had until after he spoke to Robin. She could run through every potential scenario and they could prepare what to say and how to plan out potentially losing Eddie and/or Dustin. Until Steve had the preparation and the pep talk and the knowledge that no matter what happened with either of them, that Robin would be there to pick up the pieces then he was just going to avoid the potential of the conversations happening.
The last thing he needs is his fragile little truce with Dustin to break apart in such a spectacular fashion. It’s one thing to keep Eddie as a secret, it’s another thing to be forced to have to admit to Dustin that another reason he hadn’t told anyone was because he liked having Eddie be his and his alone.
Steve didn’t think Dustin would be annoyed about the whole they’re both guys thing but he knows that they can never be too safe. He’s honestly more scared that when Dustin finds out how selfish he is that Dustin will hear it as Steve wanting to keep Eddie away from them all yet again and never forgive that betrayal.
And as for Eddie? Steve has been so used to keeping all his wayward feelings tamped down that he never got to the part of the fantasies where he has to trip over actually spilling his heart out. His fantasies usually skip straight to charm and old-movies in new contexts, to the domesticity they nurtured becoming something real and true, to actually invading each other’s spaces in a number of ways that ranged from unfettered sweetness to entirely depraved and dirty.
He’d never actually thought to plan out the words of it all because it was a snowball’s chance in hell of it actually happening and he wasn’t about to put his heart through the ringer on an impossibility and plan out all the sweet things he’d never be able to say just to torture himself with.
Except they’re the snowball and they’re in Hell and there’s a very distinct possibility that he could actually go for it and figure out how to arrange the elusive words in a way that covered the I want to properly date the hell out of you but still safely tamped down the I think you might be the love of my life until a later date much further down the line.
Not being enough of a masochist to plan was proving to be an obstacle now, because there was no time to prepare. He needs to wish Robin into his brain conversation with him so she can stop his spiral, and can sort through how to prepare for the inevitable heartbreak.
All the thoughts from outside are still sitting at the forefront of his mind.
He chose Eddie.
Eddie hadn’t chosen him.
It doesn’t mean that Eddie isn’t choosing him now, but he’s not choosing Steve in the way that Steve chose Eddie.
One heart marked for the other, space made in the soul for the other to sit in as though that was the missing piece to his entire life.
His entire being just singing out to claim Eddie Munson.
So there is every distinct possibility that Eddie would crush his heart in a variety of ways. Steve knows Eddie, knows him maybe more than he knows anyone (except for maybe Robin) and he knows that wholeheartedly, no matter how awkward or painful it is, that Eddie would never be cruel. Steve doesn’t know if that hurts more or less knowing that Eddie would find the kindest way to give him his heart back, even in the thousands of pieces it’ll inevitably break into.
Steve just needs space. Maybe not space from Eddie because knowing that Eddie’s always there, can sense him even when he can’t fully see him, always just waiting for the commentary or something sweet or a little joke or a sarcastic smile, it makes all the impossible things feel possible. He’d never want space from that feeling. He’s going to hold on to that for as long as he can, until his stupid little heart ruins whatever they’ve got going on. Also he thinks he’s become entirely too co-dependent on being able to see or hear Eddie at all times to know he hasn’t phased out of existence and left him alone and you can’t train out a year’s worth of behaviour in a couple hours. He doesn’t think he’d cope if Eddie gave him space right now, even if it might be the healthier option. So no, it’s not space from Eddie he needs.
It’s space from Dustin and the argument that’s brewing there. All those said and unsaid things are still spiralling in the air between them, just waiting to land and cause everything to blow up. One heartfelt hug followed by a march across the Upside Down isn’t enough to undo all those months of lies and Steve knows that once Dustin settles back into his anger that it’s going to be ugly.
Space from Nancy who unfortunately knows him too well, too intimately to be able to let sleeping dogs lie. She’s also too ferocious when she has a lead, a project to work on, a plan to enact, and if she needs a distraction from the fear that has to be eating away at her about her sister, then Steve’s pretty much a prime target for her to sink her claws into. He still loves her too much to not let her do that if she needs it, but he really does not need the third degree from someone who won’t fully get it, not in the way that Robin will.
Space even from Jonathan who he’s not spoken to properly since all of this went down. But Jon’s smart. He sees more than he lets on, forms his opinions and then says what he wants to when he’s ready. Steve’s not sure what Jon is thinking about all of this and he’d love to say he doesn’t care but it’s a good enough excuse to try and avoid being left alone with just him.
They’re all on the same page as they sweep around the lobby. Steve wants to move back into Eddie’s orbit but this is the first time there’s been more than a metre of space between them since the grave and there’s something about realising that that makes him stop. Maybe he’s been too clingy. Maybe he should give Eddie his space back without Steve holding on to him like a lifeline. Steve’s meant to be a grown up, not a kid with a damn security blanket. He can let Eddie go.
At least as far as the other side of the room.
He’s keeping one eye on Eddie though, trying to be subtle about following his movements from the corner of his eye, suddenly finding the walls fascinating just as an excuse to turn around. Steve can feel Jon and Nancy taking it in turns to stare between them like they’re trying to decide if it’s woeful or not.
Steve knows he isn’t going to stop keeping an eye on Eddie but maybe he needs to be more subtle about things before everyone sees exactly what he’s up to.
There’s not much here, but they are in the lobby so he doesn’t know what they were expecting. But still, demo free for now is at least a win.
Steve turns to call out to Eddie, some stupid joke on the tip of his tongue when he sees Eddie and Dustin furiously whispering at each other, Dustin kind of glaring at the older boy. It’s the mirror of how he was looking at Steve earlier, beat up and pathetic and refusing to budge on his morals. It’s a flash but he’s back in the van, all the progress erased and made worse. Maybe he won’t have time to talk everything through with Robin if it’s all about to start unravelling now anyway.
“Wow this looks really promising,” Steve says before he can think twice. It only comes out somewhat sarcastic and he hopes the tone is enough to mask the hesitation there.
“We’re in the lobby,” Dustin deadpans right back and the flatness of his voice feels like before. Steve’s looking between them, trying to work out what the fuck Eddie could have said in the two seconds he turned his back for Dustin to already be back to hating his guts.
“And… where are we going exactly?” Nancy says, trying to steer them back on track and making a valiant job of not just glaring at them all. Steve’s trying to make eye contact with Eddie but he’s avoiding his eyes. It feels like his stomach’s been dropped to the patch of floor Eddie keeps looking at.
Steve misses what Jon says, assumes it’s not anything helpful based on what he’s assuming is the non-sequitor that Dustin comes out with. “You’ve all seen Return of the Jedi, I hope?”
“Yeah that’s the one with the teddy bears?” Steve asks even though he knows it is. The kids have made him watch Star Wars plenty of times but none of them pulled out his confession about crushing on both Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. That was saved for Eddie who clocked it almost immediately.
“Ewoks,” Dustin corrects him, exasperated and Steve wants to tear his hair out. Or Dustin’s hair, honestly. He’s not super fussed.
“Yeah, it’s the best one,” Eddie chips in, finally saying something.
“Is it?” Nancy questions back, not sounding like she cares much either way except to move this conversation on to what will actually help, but Steve wants to question Eddie for real.
Eddie’s always said he likes the first one best. Something about having someone believe in you so much that you’d put your own life on the line to come back for them, even if it meant flying into a space battle to prove you were the man they thought you were and not the coward you knew yourself to be.
But personally, Steve’s always loved Return of the Jedi. And it’s not just the Ewoks. It’s the way the Princess becomes the badass she was always capable of being and sneaks into the prison of Jabba’s fortress to get Han back, even when he was thought to be lost.
But Ewoks are an easier answer that makes his heart ache less.
“No, but every child loves it, so tracks. But in the film, if you recall, the rebels need to destroy a second Death Star but it’s surrounded by a protective energy shield, which is created by a shield generator.”
“Yeah, cool. Thanks for the summary of a movie we’ve all seen,” Steve snaps back.
“It’s an oddly relevant movie, Steve.” There’s a part of Steve, the part that knows exactly where Eddie’s standing, that’s counting the distance between them and trying to figure out how to magically make it better that wants to agree with Dustin. But he knows that Dustin isn’t thinking it’s an oddly relevant movie in the same way that Steve is so he just rolls his eyes a little to cover and waits for Dustin to explain how he came to the same conclusion.
“Look, I think this circular flesh wall is Vecna’s version of an energy shield, except it’s not sci-fi, it’s supernatural. Created by Vecna’s dark magic. And this dark magic shield is what’s preventing us from reaching him and saving Holly. But if my map is correct the generator for the shield has to be in this lab.”
“So if we find this dark magic shield generator?” Jonathan asks.
“We destroy the wall,” Dustin confirms.
“Find Vecna, save Holly,” Nancy summarises.
“Medals for all,” Dustin almost smiles a little. If it wasn't for the attitude that came on from nowhere Steve would almost be proud of him. He chances a glance at Eddie and he looks how Steve feels. Proud of their kid.
Steve tears himself away from it, the overwhelming feeling of too much and just right at the same time that Eddie’s look is giving him. “And it looks like what?” he asks.
“How would you expect me to know that?”
Steve hears Eddie’s exasperation behind him, the quick boil of it that steams out. He knows Eddie’s tells, and can hear how pissed he is. Steve’s not sure how Eddie went from proud to pissed off in one sentence but Nancy’s looking between them like she knows all the answers and isn’t going to share them anytime soon. She huffs in exasperation with one last look between all three of them before turning away.
They follow her, as they always do, right into the heart of it, like they’re just a fucked up little Scooby Doo gang.
The only problem is, Steve’s forgotten the fundamentals of Scooby Doo.
They always split up to look for clues.
The door they open leads into an ominous stairwell, light flickering and thick vines crawling around the whole thing.
“Up or down?” Dustin asks as they all survey the thing.
“I say both. Search in teams of two. Cover more ground,” Nancy suggests, in the way where it’s not so much a suggestion but a we’re doing this.
“Teams of two? There’s five of us?” Jon asks. Steve didn’t expect it to be Jon to correct Nancy, but it softens something nonetheless.
“Yeah but I just assumed Eddie was going with Steve,” she replies like it was so obvious it shouldn’t even have had to be said.
“Do I not get a say in this?” Eddie laughs, teasing enough to try and cut through the weird tension that’s followed them from the foyer.
Nancy doesn’t even dignify it with a response. Just turns and stares at Eddie like he’s an idiot and then looks at Steve like he’s also an idiot. Which is not fair because Steve’s not actually said anything yet.
“Okay so Jon and I’ll go up and you boys can go down then.”
“Yeah that’s cool with me, but can we just switch the teams up? Nance you and me go up,” Steve’s not entirely sure why he suggests it, only that suddenly he can feel Dustin staring daggers at him and needs to not be involved in that.
“Oh I mean…” Nancy splutters, staring at Eddie kind of pointedly.
“Are you serious?” Jon asks incredulously, looking at Steve like he’s grown a second head. Steve knows that Jon doesn’t exactly deal with the kids one on one the same way Steve does, is a big brother to his actual sibling and leaves it at that but it can’t be that much of a hardship to have Nancy go with them instead.
“Me and Henderson here, we need some space,” Steve explains, voicing the feeling he knows has been growing beyond his control since they got to the Lab. “Please,” he adds, hearing Dustin’s echo almost sync up with his.
They’re all about to start arguing and Nancy shuts it down before it has time to erupt. “Hey, we don't have time for this. Let’s just keep it simple, stick to the original teams.”
“Nance, I cannot,” Steve repeats, hearing Dustin once again echo the sentiment.
“End of discussion,” she says, adjusting the gun on her shoulder and starts to move but Steve catches her arm.
“Bullshit,” he whispers, quick and stressed. He sees her sharp intake of breath, the way her wide eyes turn to him searching and knowing. Her curls framing her face as she tries not to look hurt but he can see the flicker of it in her eyes before she tamps it back down.
“Okay, fine,” she relents. “We’ll take Dustin if you’re sure it’ll be okay.”
“I’m sure,” he says, his face softening. For all her faults, for all the ways they just don’t work together, he loves Nancy Wheeler so damn much.
She reaches out to cup his face quickly and he lets himself lean into it. Then she’s handing off one of her guns and turning heel to head down the stairs. Jon doesn’t say much as he follows her but Dustin is glaring full on swords at this point as he stomps down.
“Awesome,” Steve mutters, mostly to himself. “Just awesome.” Whatever goodwill he’s bought with Dustin by bringing Eddie back seemed to have well and truly been worn out.
He can feel Eddie move closer, even with the usual space left between them, as though he’s forgotten it’s not actually necessary anymore. It’s the closest they’ve been since the door, before everything started falling apart. There better be something good up those stairs or Steve may actually lose it.
“Up we go then, big boy,” Eddie smirks behind him and Steve’s grateful he hadn’t started moving yet or he may have tripped on the first step. Fucking perfect.