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Kasper is gone.
“ Kasper is gone “ and most likely beyond saving, at least according to DrRETRO, whose efforts to create a cure for the infection have been nothing but unsuccessful for the past few months, her experiments failing, over and over again.
“ Kasper is gone “ is what Lampert believes he has already accepted. But has he really? Or has he simply learned how to somehow live with the other's absence, regardless of the pain that comes with it?
He can't tell the difference.
He doesn't want to.
Lampert hasn't really stepped out of ROKEA, apart from occasional elevator rides and visits to DrRETRO, ever since the incident - because despite all odds, he found some sort of comfort inside of the furniture store. Perhaps it's the fact that he's returned to the one thing he was familiar with. Without Kasper, everything seemed more alien and threatening - even more so than he himself would ever want to admit.
He'd often catch himself staring off into the distance, daydreaming about his best friend. More specifically, about their reunion. Will it ever happen? He doubts. But if it did, how would it unfold?
Would Kasper throw himself at him and wrap his arms around his waist, hugging him tightly, as if letting go for even a moment would make the other disappear?
And if so, would he cry then, or maybe laugh?
Probably the latter, he thinks, smiling bittersweetly to himself.
In that exact moment, nothing else in the world would matter - except for them. Not even Lampert’s persistent fear of germs, that has seemingly only gotten worse as of recent and that would usually make him panic over the slightest hint of physical contact.
Then, after the emotions had slightly subsided, they would eagerly start talking about how much they missed each other. Perhaps after such an exchange, filled with pure longing, the topic would smoothly drift towards the "good old times." One of them would mention the bowling alley, and then suggest going there.
After arrival, they'd play for a bit and at some point Lampert would knock down all of the pins, getting a well earned strike thanks to all the coaching Kasper did. The latter would run up to him and congratulate him on his achievement, pulling out a camera to retake the damaged photo from the past while doing so.
Unfortunately though, these are all just predictions and dreams - which contradict the painful reality that slaps him right across the face, day after day upon waking up.
He feels tired of all the sickening “woulds” and “maybes”. Because Kasper is gone for good. He's just constantly giving himself false hope.
But, oh dear, how can he not?
How can he not, when he's aware that Kas- Infected is somewhere out there?
How can he not, when perhaps his memories could return at any given moment?
How can he give up on the one person that has meant more than the entire world to him?
That's the thing - he can't.
His train of thought suddenly stops when he notices a nearby ROKEA employee mopping the floor, his attention immediately drawn to their presence. He had always wondered why his colleagues didn't really have faces. He never dared to ask. He considered that to be quite impolite.
This time, though, their faces, or rather the lack of them, reminded him of one certain thing - does he even remember what Kas looked like?
He's sure that he does.
Lampert starts to list every single feature characteristic for Kasper's appearance either way, as if to reassure himself.
His red leather biker jacket, which would always make him stand out in a room full of people, along with his fitting black pants and of course - his gray beanie.
Another distinguishable feature of his would be the eyes, a beautiful, deep shade of…
What color were his eyes again..?
Were they blue, like the sky that stretches endlessly above the horizon, which they so often enjoyed admiring together, looking for clouds in various, interesting shapes?
Or were they brown, turning almost gold and honey-like every time the sunlight would hit his face, making him look as beautiful as if he just stepped straight out of a painting?
And what if they were always this disgusting tone of pink? A constant reminder that the parasite was always there, just waiting for a perfect occasion to ruin everything.
He can't remember.
He can't remember, Lampert repeats in his mind, as panic slowly starts to set in.
And that's when he realizes that he doesn't remember any of Kasper's facial features. Was his face adorned with freckles, or not? Every time he smiled and laughed, would a dimple show up on his cheek? Was his nose bumpy, or flat? He's not sure now. And that unsureness alone makes him want to bawl his eyes out.
What hurts even more is the thought that this all could've been prevented so easily.
Because it was all his fault after all, wasn't it?
He ruined his life.
If only he had convinced him to buy a new couch at ROKEA rather than in a sketchy thrift store, perhaps none of this would have happened. He might as well not have come to him that day, because even that would have had a chance to stop the crucial chain of events, according to the books he read a couple of months ago.
Surprisingly enough, the theory of parallel universes has caught his attention and at some point he started reading a lot about it. The very idea that there may be other worlds somewhere, where certain events went differently, fascinated him.
He often wondered if there might be a world out there where Kasper was still himself and where everything remained as it was. He hoped so. He couldn't help but long for that very universe to be his own. He wanted to wake up in it one day so bad.
But that is not his destiny, and one cannot go back in time, no matter how much they want it.
And so he is forced to move on with his life, no matter how much he misses his best friend.
Best friend, huh. This term never sat quite right with Lampert. Not when his feelings were much stronger than the ones he had for his colleagues. Could this strong feeling, sweeter than the scent of flowers blooming during spring, be called love? Was someone like him, akin to an inanimate object, even able to experience such complicated feelings?
Even if he was, it would no longer matter, anyway, as it's far too late for silly confessions.
Kasper is gone - the parasite has taken over his brain.
And yet, Lampert allows himself to daydream once more about what could've been.
Maybe in another universe.