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"I'm not going to have the procedure."
Carl blinks at him across the coffee shop table. "You're not going to have the procedure?"
Negan shakes his head, sitting back in his chair. His chest is aching. He hasn't been able to take a full breath in days, those goddamn flowers taking up all his lung space.
"Why would you not have the procedure?" Carl demands.
He's angry. Of course he's angry. They're best friends and Negan has basically just admitted his suicidal ideations. Except not really. Some things are just worse than death is all.
Maybe he shouldn't be telling Carl this, maybe he should just go away and let the roots burrow through his body until he succumbs to it. But Carl deserves the truth. They've always been honest with each other.
"Just so you know," Carl says, still looking irritated. "You trying to manipulate me like this is making it way less likely that I'd ever love you back."
Negan smiles. "I know," he says simply. "And that's why I love you."
Carl gives a huff, rolling his eyes. It's a move done with so much affection. They're kind of everything to each other. They met at this very coffee shop years ago, Carl buried in his post-graduate studies and Negan using the free wi-fi.
Carl had become so frustrated with Negan's lack of eptitude with his laptop that he came over to his table to help him with his settings and the rest was history. They'd spoken every single day since. They bonded over video games and movies and a similar sense of humour and slightly nihilistic view of the world.
Somewhere along the way, Negan fell in love. And Carl didn't. And then the fucking flowers came.
Negan coughs, his chest rattling as he chokes on it. He grabs a napkin from the stack on the table, covering his mouth as he hacks up the equivalent of a lung. He can't resist looking down at the blood and petals clumped on the napkin. It's kind of beautiful in a fucked up way.
He screws it up in his fist, looking over at Carl. "I'm not being manipulative," he says. "You feeling guilty is the worst part of this. But pity is very far from love."
"So you're just going to die?" Carl asks incredulously. "You're just going to lay down and give up and literally die over a fucking crush? Talk about dramatic."
Negan shrugs. "It is what it is. That's the cards I was dealt, kid. I've made peace with it."
"Oh, shut the fuck up," Carl says, the vitriol in his words stinging more than the flora currently growing in Negan's lungs. "Just have the procedure. So you'll forget about me. So what? We can still meet. We come here all the time. We can still become friends."
"I'll still fall in love with you," Negan responds.
Carl opens his mouth to say something but then closes it again, something changing in his eyes. His anger is turning into sorrow. He gets it.
"And then I'll have to have the procedure again," Negan says. "And forget you again. And fall in love with you again. How many times are we going to play that fucking cycle through? Hell, for all I know, this isn't even the first time."
"It's the first time," Carl tells him.
Negan nods. He trusts that Carl would tell him the truth.
"It wouldn't be the last," Negan responds.
"I could try and be less charming," Carl says, the joke in his voice falling flat. "Maybe cut my hair. Wear goofier clothes."
Negan gives a humourless laugh that turns into a cough that turns into another choking session on bloody petals spat into a napkin. He's feeling weaker. He doesn't think it's going to be that long.
"Carl Grimes," he says, looking across at him with every bit of affection and adoration that fuels him. "I will always fall in love with every version of you. And you will never fall in love with any version of me."
"I love you," Carl tells him. "I'm just not in love with you."
Negan nods. "I know."
"I wish I was," Carl says, reaching across the table towards him. "This is breaking my heart as much as it's breaking yours."
Negan nods again, taking hold of Carl's hand in his. "I know."
"You know," Carl agrees.
It's all there is left to say. They sit across from one another, holding hands, neither of them saying another word. There's soft music and ambient chatter and a world that will go on regardless of what they do next. Negan can't imagine a better way to spend his last day.