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This is the stupidest idea Evangeline’s ever heard, and she’s probably going to die for it.
“Our hands are already full with breaches and we don’t have enough people left to tackle the Ordeal… Evangeline, go seduce Green Midnight and stall until we can free up some manpower to deal with it.”
Like, okay, Evangeline is not exactly known for being a sensible person and she admits this, and even she sees some glaring problems with this plan?
First of all: Evangeline fucks Abnormalities in containment. Not once has she tried to convince an Abnormality that was actively attacking everyone around it to fuck her. Because that would be stupid! It would be absurdly dangerous with no upside over containing it normally and then approaching it for sex!
Second of all: this is an Ordeal she’s never met before. No weeks of building up a rapport beforehand. No learning the tells for the eldritch entity’s moods, to know when to back off. Her literal first interaction with this thing is going to be asking it to fuck. That doesn’t even work on most humans.
Third of all: if her manager was going to have her try to seduce Ordeals, couldn’t he have started her on something easier like a Dawn? They don’t even know if Ordeals have sex drives at all, and Green Midnight will instantly reduce her to sludge if it’s not receptive.
She almost wished her manager had sent her to We Can Change Anything instead. At least then when she died, it wouldn’t be because she wasn’t sexy enough.
There’s Green Midnight, shell closed. Evangeline takes a deep breath and walks up to it casually, like she isn’t preparing to be vaporized. “Hey there, gorgeous! How’s it going?”
Green Midnight buzzes. She… really can’t tell what kind of response that is – she’s good at interpreting, but not having a face or a voice doesn’t give her a lot to work with.
“Mm, okay. I was just thinking, if you don’t have to put us through an ordeal right this second… would you like to have some fun together?” She rubs her hand down its shell slowly.
More buzzing. The shell begins to open up as it does when preparing to fire, and Evangeline’s heart rate spikes. What does she do, what does she say-
The laser cannon that’s revealed is… much smaller than the usual one? To be clear, it is still a laser cannon, and Evangeline is still fairly sure it could wreck her. Size isn’t everything. But choosing to emerge a smaller cannon after Evangeline hit on it, she has to make some assumptions.
She strokes from the muzzle to the base of it, the steel faintly warm to the touch, and it hums like satisfied machinery.
“Fantastic. I’d love to make you feel good.”
Evangeline may not want to be here, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to give her all in pleasing this Ordeal. She rubs it at a steady rhythm, leaning in to run her tongue around the head of the cannon. Tastes like metal.
After a minute of this, the cannon abruptly tilts away from her. She immediately lets go and steps back. No matter what her manager wants, she’s not going to do anything with Green Midnight if it isn’t interested. “Sorry, are you not into it? I appreciate you giving it a try-”
The cannon resumes an upright position, retracts somewhat, then extends. Repeat.
...Oh.
Evangeline briefly considers the insanity of what she knows she is about to do, but: as previously stated, the Ordeal could vaporize her at any time? Whether or not she’s skewered on its cannon is basically irrelevant.
With that in mind, she smiles wide, hikes up her skirt, carefully lines herself up, and sinks down onto Green Midnight.
She gets approximately five seconds to take stock of the situation. The cannon is far smaller than Green Midnight’s usual weapon, but as far as dicks or dick-adjacents go, it’s still plenty big. The metal is not exactly comfortable, but she’s had worse texture-wise, and it’s pleasantly warm.
Then it starts to move.
“Oh fuck-”
Humans, by their nature, can’t generally maintain a perfect rhythm. Abnormalities sometimes come close, but anything that’s at least somewhat biological is going to have some deviation in power and speed.
Green Midnight fucks her hard and fast from the word go, cannon pistoning inside her with unerring precision. It reaches the same depth inside her with every powerful thrust, the same angle that makes her see stars.
“So good, so good, fuck me, more-” It’s not that Evangeline has forgotten about the risk of death, but there’s nothing she can do about it at this point, so she might as well throw herself into enjoying this fully.
Green Midnight hums, and the cannon inside her starts to vibrate. Evangeline cries out in pleasure and squeezes her muscles down around it. She may not know how Green Midnight is enjoying this, but she hopes it’s at least as much as she is.
It picks up its pace abruptly, going from ‘hard and fast’ to ‘harder and faster than a human is capable of’. Evangeline moans and writhes, back arching, helpless to do anything but beg for more.
The cannon inside her starts to heat up. She has enough clarity to wonder if it’s preparing to fire, but again: not like there’s anything she can do about it, and she always figured she’d die during sex anyway. Rather than panic about the effects of a laser on her insides, she spends her focus on chasing one last orgasm before she dies.
The cannon gets hotter, her climax gets closer, footsteps approach, and at the same moment as when she finally reaches her goal-
It fires, and she passes out.
Evangeline blinks groggily. There are little bits of metal strewn about the department floor, she notes. Then she notes that there are agents in here with her. “What…?”
The agents all jump. “You’re alive??” one says.
“Yeah, why?” She carefully lifts her head off the floor.
“Well, we saw that thing fire… in you… and then you passed out, so we just figured you were dead,” her coworker says sheepishly. “Considering how strong it is normally…”
“That’s fair.” She also would have assumed anyone would die in that circumstance, she won’t take it personally. “So you beat it?”
“We did. I’d say no significant damage, but, um…”
They’re looking lower than her face. Evangeline looks down. There’s a green glow visible even through her clothes and skin. Whatever Green Midnight had discharged in her was incredibly bright.
Evangeline sighs heavily. “I’ll sit through an examination. Again.”