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a small sigh escaped hanbin’s mouth as his back hit the wall.
the sheets splayed around him offered no warmth, overcome by the sheer cold emitting from the outside and seeping into the apartment’s walls, sending shivers down his bare shoulders and arms.
amongst the constant buzz in his head, he distantly noticed the sound of running water from the bathroom a room down the hallway. the apartment stood quiet, missing the echoes of usual laughter and bickering.
it all felt so foreign, how small objects all across the apartment disappeared from their usual spots bit by bit, finding their place at their respective homes over time. everyone’s smiles began to lose their sincerity, tainted by strain instead, and ugly shades of grey washed over hanbin’s days, forming the emptiness he’d started to grow accustomed to.
hanbin hasn’t felt a proper appetite in days, weeks, maybe even months. everything tasted sour, mildewing his guts from the inside out.
he felt sick most of the time lately, the sadness twisting his stomach and turning it upside down, as it had when gyuvin yet again left their shared dorm a few hours ago. he felt distant, and hanbin missed his sparkly eyes and toothy smiles.
he fisted the blanket beneath his body to stop himself from picking at the skin around his nails, the sharp burn of torn skin an urgent warning.
he tried to think about the times that were filled with nothing but happiness, nothing but determination to grow further, reach higher, achieve more and more. if he could, he would do everything in his power to revert time, or even just slow it down a little. he couldn’t really keep up anymore.
less than two months.
they had less than two months left.
it seemed so far away back then, almost three years. they were naive, took time for granted, didn’t realize how fast it would slip past their hands. whenever hanbin recalled that, by the original plan of things, he would’ve lost it all already, he fought hard not to cry on the spot.
as his body grew used to the cold surrounding his limbs, his mind began to numb too, a coat of cotton wrapping around his thoughts that blended out anything else around him.
the bitterness on gyuvin’s face popped up in his head again, their eyes meeting for a moment before the younger boy hurriedly closed the door. he’d barely been at the dorm lately. hanbin knew it wasn’t personal, they all dealt with the inevitable reality of things in their own ways, and he respected that. but he selfishly hoped it would all just stop, hoped he’d have them all back by his side.
matthew and ricky have been travelling, one with his family and the other on his own, to redirect their focus. gunwook hid in his new music studio, pouring his feelings into the lyrics he wrote and songs he produced. taerae was mostly at the company building, singing songs about eternity and heartbreak until his voice gave out on him. jiwoong drove out the city for peace and quiet, and as for the youngest, just like gyuvin, yujin spent time with his family in the comfort of his childhood home.
hanbin had been at home too, cuddling his puppies and hugging his family, only to then sleep alone in his bed, feeling smaller than usual and staring blankly at the ceiling for hours and hours on end.
hao’s been abroad, attending to several events in his home country. just as usual, hanbin and hao called regularly, needing each other’s presence to feel any sort of comfort, but even then they stood silent, too exhausted to speak. in these moments, instead of focusing on the other being with him, hanbin began to fear what would happen if they took hao from him too.
they all knew there was nothing to be done and they were all grateful they’d gotten more time in the first place—an extension.
they got two more months, two months they thought they’d spend with their fans, with each other, only to be coldly let down by their company. it felt cruel, as though someone stabbed hanbin from behind and kept twisting the knife until he eventually lost the strength to fight back. however, most times it felt like he was watching that very same thing happen to his members, feeling himself restrained and unable to help, simply forced to watch as they began to wither.
hanbin knew it would come, but no amount of mental preparation could have prepared him for this moment. he laid awake at night to use his time wiser, less carelessly. they still had some time, several weeks, so why couldn’t he use it better? why did he feel like tomorrow was their last?
hanbin had grown stronger and more secure with himself over the years, and yet he felt so horribly helpless now. the responsibilities he carried as the leader of the group weighed him down more than ever, scratching the skin around his ribcage raw until their claws reached through to tear at his heart.
could he have done better?
was there anything he could’ve done differently?
should he have done better?
these thoughts have long since built up within him, but now gained a power over him they’d never had before. he could feel his restraints beginning to shake under the weight of it all.
it started when he began to notice the members’ distress during practice, their desire to push further until their limbs gave out beneath them. it resembled their earlier days, when they fought their hardest to do well, thrived to reach the perfection they craved to showcase to the world proudly. now it just felt like a miserable attempt to have more time together as one team, as one family.
even so, the apprehension they all felt only fueled the anger and denial within their hearts, until it began to drive them away from each other.
the break time given to them by their company only seemed to worsen it. it felt as though years had passed since hanbin had last seen them all together. he was afraid of what would await him at their next group practice. they would gather not just to practice for an award show performance, a comeback or tour, but for their encore—the final performances they’d have together on stage, under the name they all identified themselves with, the name they’d given such deep meaning to. their last times together as one.
hanbin’s eyes burned, stinging painfully. pressing them shut to pretend it was all a horrible nightmare didn’t help.
he was surrounded by it all everywhere, no matter where he looked. at their schedules, pitiful glances from staff members and other artists followed their every step, his notifications flooded with comments of sorrow and disapproval. fans began to bid their goodbyes as the thought of inevitable loss was too much to handle. hanbin felt as though they’ve gotten buried already, despite the time they still had left, and he hated to see his members seeming to follow the same route, fading away from his grasp too soon.
blurriness formed in front of his eyes, heavy droplets of tears weighing on his waterline, and hanbin tried to hold it back with everything in him.
he felt sick, cold, rotten from the inside, a sharp ache within his heart. it all hurt so bad.
he distantly heard shuffling behind his room's door but was too deep in his thoughts to pay it any mind.
he squeezed his chest with one hand, trying to force the pain in his heart away, feeling his pulse pick up as it got harder to breathe. his other hand trembled where it still dug into the sheets, nails almost pressing into his palm, the thin cloth working as the only protection to soften the sting.
he felt his mind fall deeper and deeper, succumbing to the fears and worries he’d carried within himself since debut, but never had to acknowledge until now. he was too deep in it all to hear the repeated knocks sounding against his door.
“hanbin.”
he flinched when soft fingers gently wrapped around his tense, trembling hand, willing him to release his tight grip on the blanket like he’d been burned.
when he looked over, big brown questioning eyes met his blown and red ones. he couldn’t help the thick tear rolling down his cheek, overwhelmed with the sudden warmth in hao’s eyes when all he felt was torturous cold.
the older’s face immediately morphed into one of worry, surging forward to hold hanbin’s face with the sweetest touch, one hanbin had missed terribly. another tear fell.
hao had finally come home that day, tired and jet lagged from all the flights between china and korea. he’d only managed to hug hanbin, overexhausted and drained. hanbin helped him take his heavy coat off and took his luggage from him, sent him to shower to wash the fatigue away, and then invited him to his room so they could rest side by side. they only had each other for that night, and needed closure. it had been so lonely recently, for all of them.
hanbin’s sadness began when he realized that gyuvin didn’t even stay long enough to greet hao, and it spiraled from then. he wasn’t angry by any means. if anything, he felt overwhelming sorrow, pain as he watched the members desperately find a way to process this surge of heartache. they all struggled the same, and yet individually in their own ways. hanbin knew it was a matter of time until they’d find one another again, needing space to process it all, but it didn’t change how much he missed each single one of them.
most of all he felt responsible, like it was his job to find a way to make it easier for all of them, to fix whatever had begun to break on its own as they neared the end.
“bin-ah.”
his voice sounded so soft, like a balm meant to mend his wounds, but this time they were too big to simply patch up and ignore.
hao’s knees pressed into the mattress as he climbed into his bed, the soft caress of the older’s thumb wiping fresh tears from hanbin’s face. hanbin felt himself shake, overcome by the care and gentleness he’d missed dearly. he couldn’t quite recall when he last spent a full day by hao’s side, free from their tight schedule and the ugly grip of their company.
they’ve been all over the place, physically and emotionally.
hao had begun to feel detached from reality, his schedules blurring into one incoherent mess that he was too exhausted to process. the scenery of korea and china faded into one, and he found it hard to differentiate when the sun rose and set back down, when to force a smile on his face or not.
hanbin had similarly lost track of time by filling his daily schedule to the brim, never letting his thoughts stray too far. he worked out excessively and neglected the simple principles of his life, such as eating full meals and resting. hao, too, felt thinner in his grasp, when the older pulled hanbin into a hug by his shoulders and the younger's arms reached to wrap around hao’s waist the way they always did. a pathetic whimper fell from his lips.
“hanbin, what’s wrong?” hao whispered right by his ear, carefully, as if any sudden sounds would break the younger completely.
hanbin’s grip tightened on hao, fisting the cotton of his shirt, slightly damp from the steam left sitting in the bathroom after his shower. he was still warm from the hot water, his skin tinted red in some places.
“you know exactly what’s wrong,” he replied bitterly, willing his voice to stay stable, yet he couldn’t help the slight tremble it had. the older moved back to have a clear look at hanbin’s face, a deep frown sat between his eyebrows.
“i haven’t seen you in almost a week. an entire week, hao. i haven’t seen you, nor have i properly spoken to gyuvin or any of the other boys. you know damn well what’s wrong.”
pain flashed through hao’s eyes, his face distorting into something wounded, materializing guilt and setting it to rest heavy in hanbin’s gut instantly.
“don’t do this. don’t be mean.”
it hurt to see hao like this, reacting with exhaustion instead of anger—hanbin wanted neither. he knew he was wrong to selfishly turn it all on hao. they were in the same boat after all, both fighting to keep it afloat and stay above water, yet inescapably on the way down to drowning.
“i haven’t seen you either…or the others for that matter. it wasn’t my choice. do you think i want this?” his fingers dug into his shoulders, but it didn’t hurt. hao’s nails were short, shorter than usual, and hanbin, knowing all of hao’s worst habits, knew they were bitten and picked raw under the effects of nervousness and anxiety, just like his own.
“i…i’m sorry, i know. i didn’t mean to.”
hao didn’t say anything but the slow blink and nod he gave him was enough to show hanbin that he understood. his eyes fell on hao’s bottom lip, pulled between his teeth where he chewed stressfully, and hanbin gently detangled one hand to pull his lip free with his thumb. hao swallowed hard.
hanbin stared, unable to look away, and his thoughts came flooding back all at once.
“what if they take you away from me?”
hao’s eyes widened upon hearing the question, clearly trying to digest it, and hanbin knew from the way his hands froze against him that they'd both thought about this. of course they had.
“they already take you so far away, and we haven’t even…” he couldn’t get himself to say it out loud, so he just shook his head and tried again, “i’m scared, hao. i’m scared all the plans we’ve made will be crushed the moment all of this is over. they’ll try to fly you back, and when you say no, they’ll feign agreement and still make you leave all the damn time. i’ll be busy, and you will be away. i’m just scared, so scared.”
it was hard to fight the tears, he felt the burn already and blinked fast to rid himself of the blurriness and wetness in his eyes.
“i’ve made clear what i want. i am much more important to my company now, because of how far we made it as a group.” hanbin tried really hard to ignore the crack in hao’s voice when he mentioned all of them—their team, their members—and hao also took a moment to gather himself before adding, “they can’t force me to leave.”
“but what if they do? all of this is bigger than us, out of our control, this isn’t something we can argue out. they’ve already made decisions for all of us and didn’t even give a single fuck about our thoughts and feelings. they see us as their money makers, nothing more.”
hao was awfully quiet and hanbin couldn’t help the wave of words that spilled from his mouth, “they’ve already separated us. i will lose all of you. i know we’ll fight hard to keep us together…but what if we can’t?”
hanbin hated being like this. he was certain of not only his and hao’s love, but the bond he’s created with all of his members too. despite fate cruelly tearing them apart, it was also destiny that brought them together in the first place. they’d created this safe place they all called their home, viewed each other as family. and yet it wasn’t in their hands to decide whether they’d be able to keep it or not, no matter how hard they tried.
jiwoong wanted to keep on performing, chase his dreams, but they might send him back into acting. hao and ricky might get sent back to china, no matter how badly they wanted to remain here. taerae would have to stay with this horrible company, gunwook and matthew would be all on their own. gyuvin and yujin might get separated too, despite coming from the same entertainment. hanbin would be alone as well.
he kept these thoughts well hidden, trying his best to be strong for his members, like a good leader should be, but hao always unraveled him with ease. hanbin could feel it, didn’t even have to look at the older’s face to know. hao hated it too, he hated seeing hanbin like this.
hao closed his eyes, breathing in deep, trying his best to stay calm. hanbin looked down at the space between them where his hands limply fell to in defeat. hao’s grip felt loose around him and when the warmth of his palms disappeared, hanbin shut his eyes too, pressing hard until the depressing darkness behind his eyelids filled with colorful abstract shapes. then soft fingers tangled with his calloused ones.
“remember what you told me when we got together?”
hanbin looked up, seeing more and more of hao as the black dots in his vision subsided quickly. he looked determined now, still hurt, but charged with hope. hope had done them so wrong all throughout and yet they always came crawling back to it. at least hanbin had—and most definitely hao as well.
“you told me we should try. i was so afraid. i was scared we couldn’t do it because they already gave us dirty looks on the show. they were so horribly upset when we took the first and second rank and went up those stairs together as well, hand in hand.”
hanbin knew. he remembered it all vividly and he was incredibly proud of them for prioritizing each other at all times, fighting for each other no matter who or what came between them. it dawned upon him then what his boyfriend was trying to say. hao must’ve seen the change of emotion in the younger’s eyes by the way he exhaled a sigh of relief. they were really so perfectly attuned to each other.
“i know you know where i’m going with this. no matter the risks and dangers, no matter how fucking terrible our chances were and how hard we knew they’d try to hide us, despite all my doubts and tears and attempts to push you away, you came back, smiled at me and told me-”
“- to just try, yeah,” hanbin finished with him in unison, and he couldn’t fight the small smile appearing on his face.
“yeah. we tried, bin-ah, just as you said. look where that got us, where we are now,” hao mirrored his smile, and hanbin could see a shimmer in his eyes, “nothing could’ve ever destroyed what we had and still have. we’ve faced many obstacles and made it through anyway…why would this be any different? you told me anything would be worth it if trying got us to stay together in the end. you will always be worth it all, hanbin.”
hao reached up to take hanbin’s face in his hands, gently yet confidently, pulling him closer so he’d have no choice but to look at him, really look at him, “we both decided to commit to this. it’s not just plans for the future, but promises. and i know you do everything to keep yours. so do i, and i will fight for us no matter what it takes. i trusted you, so trust me too.”
“of course i trust you,” hanbin whispered, trembling and low, but he knew hao heard by the way his smile widened, his face filling with warmth again, shining bright just the way hanbin knew him to be.
“this applies to the others too. we came so far, you did so much for them and so did they for you. this wasn’t for nothing. it meant a lot and will remain with us. we’re all fighting for the same thing.”
hanbin nodded to himself, taking in the words bit by bit, willing his brain to slow down. and when he thought back to all the years they spent together, hanbin knew hao was right. he’d known all along and just needed someone to say these things straight to his face. they all were so important to him, he would always fight with his all to keep them together. and he knew they would, too, once they overcame the initial hurt.
they’ve created something so beautiful over the years, such an irreplaceable and secure bond. his members were people he could always go to, could always laugh and be himself around with, could rely on entirely and let himself be vulnerable with too.
he really just got too deep into his head sometimes.
“i know, we will make it through,” hanbin’s smile faltered a little bit as he stared at hao, “it’s just…even despite all this, the idea of not having all of you next to me every day hurts me. i’ve grown so used to it. it makes me feel complete and content. they are all a part of my life now.”
he paused for a moment, fingers tightening around hao’s, before he inhaled deep, burning his lungs. “you are part of me. every space is filled by you, hao. my heart most of all.”
he leaned forward to drop his head on the older’s shoulder and finally let go of the weight on his back, allowing himself to just rest when he felt his boyfriend’s hand wrap around the back of his neck, fingers tangling in his short hair there.
“i know we will stay together as nine forever. nothing could ever change that…no evil company or anything else could ever take this from us.” hao huffed out a quiet laugh above him, appreciating the little amount of humor hanbin was trying to bring into the conversation, and it made the younger feel lighter too. “but it will hurt. it will be painful and i’m just not ready for it.”
“neither of us are, hanbinnie. that’s why we need to stay together throughout all of this, without leaving a single person behind. give them some time. we will all get to the same conclusion sooner or later, just each of them at their own pace.” hao sounded more composed now too, as if he was reassuring himself as well. hanbin hummed in agreement, surprised how much calmer he felt now—still pained but less anxious.
he turned his head to inhale hao’s scent, tinged with the fresh smell of his body wash but also his own natural smell. he leaned closer to softly press a kiss on his neck, feeling his steady pulse beat against his lips.
“i am here for you too, hyung. i hope you know that. you’re never alone, no matter how far away you are,” he rasped below hao’s ear and could feel the way he shivered slightly. the older’s hands moved to thread deeper into hanbin’s hair.
“i know…i know you’re always there. i can always feel you with me.” he could hear the smile in hao’s voice. hanbin pressed another kiss right below his jaw, whispering against the soft skin there, “thank you.”
he remained there, chastely kissing along the older’s neck as he got lost in the comfort of having his boyfriend back by his side, his hand reaching up to cup his face gently. hao’s fingers were still in hanbin’s hair and he pulled slightly to gain the younger's attention, bringing him closer to look him straight in the eyes.
hanbin saw a lot in them, vulnerability, subsiding apprehension and growing calmness, security, but most of all unadulterated love. he could drown in it all, forget everything else, truly hypnotizing.
“i missed you.”
hao spoke quietly, the words almost nothing more than a mere caress of an exhale on hanbin’s nose, but they were charged with meaning and intent.
hanbin leaned in, and hao met him midway.
it was easy to live in the moment and forget the fears of tomorrow when hanbin only had to focus on the feel of hao’s skin, the slow drag of his fingers below hanbin’s shirt and his lips’ gradual descent down his body. he was kissing and mouthing words of infinite love wherever he could reach, in places only the older could see, knowing hanbin’s body like the back of his hand.
only hao knew how to unravel him, how to help him unwind, stop thinking and purely focus on him. his skin felt cold where his clothes got pushed out of the way, but hao pressed in close and brought warmth along. he missed being cared for like this, being able to breathe and let his responsibilities wait until dawn when the next day began.
hao kissed every single thought away, repeatedly pushed into hanbin until all he could say was the older’s name, until all he could feel was the sweat between their bare bodies and tightly intertwined hands, the pleasurable pressure between his legs.
“i love you,” hanbin rasped against the older’s lips before they pressed back on his own with more strength. “i love you,” he repeated over and over with his sweet whispers, with his heart beating in tandem with hao’s, with the smile on his face and lovefilled look in his eyes.
hao breathed out against him, kissing the corner of his mouth. “i’ll love you forever.”
the day they’ve dreaded most ever since they first stepped on stage together as nine finally came.
hanbin was right. nothing could’ve ever prepared him to see his members’ pained and crying faces, keeping their heads low to hide their breaking hearts. he hugged each one of them tight until he couldn’t breathe, held their hands, and wiped their tears the way they did for him too.
it hurt, it really hurt a lot, in ways he never could’ve predicted.
but this time he had a promise to fulfill, and that was to keep them together until the end, to have their own forever. forever had been something they all wished for, and they’d decided to make it themselves—a forever that would remain in each one of them and couldn’t ever be taken away.
he reminded himself of it whenever he looked at their pictures together, him with his dearest friends, smiling and laughing without a single care in the world. all he wished for was to give them the happiness they deserved, no matter how far apart they were. he wanted to be there for them no matter what happened, to remain a stable pillar in their lives the way they were for him.
healing was a long journey, and hanbin wasn’t quite sure if it really was one that would end, but he learned to live with it and keep moving forward. yet never on his own.
“love, could you get the door, please?” hao called out from the kitchen.
“on it!” hanbin replied as he rounded their dining table and jogged to the entrance door of their shared apartment. they’d moved here several years ago and would occasionally invite their friends for gatherings to eat dinner together, to commemorate their shared past.
when he opened the door, a wide grin awaited him. gyuvin threw himself right at hanbin, with his cheeks and nose reddened from the winter’s cold outside. hanbin welcomed the affection with a surprised laugh and returned the hug with a tighter squeeze. as he let him inside and instructed him to go see hao in the kitchen, more of his friends flooded in. gyuvin came with ricky and yujin, both cheerful as ever and charged with happiness. gunwook and matthew followed just mere minutes after, and jiwoong and taerae joined them last with the same excitement.
hanbin still saw their youthful selves in them, in the way they laughed and bickered, how they passed food to each other as they sat at the big dining table and chatted about anything and everything.
matthew still animatedly gestured around as he spoke, earning endearing smiles and loving comments from gunwook. jiwoong watched with a gentle smile and threw in jokes of the same humour hanbin had loved years ago. taerae hadn’t changed a single bit either, grinning in the same mischievous way he always did before dropping a teasing remark that would get the entire group to giggle in unison.
gyuvin and ricky were all over each other, fighting over the food on their plates and who would feed the other first. they poked at each other's sides while yujin sat between them, rolling his eyes and throwing looks that begged for help from anyone who noticed his misery. but hanbin saw the way he smiled to himself and felt content whenever gyuvin pulled him into hugs with ricky too, laughing together.
no matter how many years went by and how far their paths strayed here and there, they always found their way back to each other. they grew and changed and yet simultaneously remained the same. it warmed hanbin’s heart, and he could feel his eyes water from the sheer joy he felt watching all of them.
he felt a gentle yet firm squeeze around his hand then, pulling his gaze away to turn to his side. hao was already looking at him, their eyes meeting and entrancing both of them. his lips moved into a smile of pure happiness, and hanbin could feel the way his own cheeks began to hurt and cramp from the way he grinned himself—real and honest. he squeezed hao’s hand back and nodded at him, thanking him. the older just shook his head and smiled a little wider, cheeks flushing lightly.
as cruel as fate was, they fought it day by day until they made their way out and found the path they’d searched and longed for all those years ago.
hao was right, they really just had to try.
they were still together. they were okay.
that was their forever.