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Komaeda glanced up, then quickly looked away before his eyes could be met.
Directly across from him, Hinata sat with his chin in his palm, a book open in front of him on the broad table. His attention appeared to be on everything but the book, his gaze seeming to shift from one corner of the empty library to another every time Komaeda lifted his head to look at him. Although Hinata was the one who asked him to spend time with him, he didn't look like he was enjoying himself.
In that case, since Hinata was the one who asked, Komaeda knew that couldn't be his fault, but he felt responsible anyway. If Hinata had chosen to spend time with anyone else, he might have had a more fun and interesting time.
If he let himself think about it for too long, he was going to screw things up. He was just one little pitiful rolled-up ball of insecurities and emotional distress. It was a mystery why Hinata would want to be with someone like him when he could barely stand himself.
As much as he liked him, Komaeda thought Hinata had awful taste for choosing him. It might have been his luck that put the two of them together, and perhaps it didn't go any deeper than that. On the day when he confessed to him, Hinata must have had an aneurysm or something. Sooner or later, he would probably admit that he had misspoken.
How much longer could he go, upholding that kind of lie?
And why? Nobody else worried about his feelings, so Hinata didn't have to be the first – unless he was trying to spare himself the embarrassment of admitting he messed up.
That sounded reasonable. It was disappointing, but Komaeda couldn't blame him if that were the case.
Even though Hinata had reassured him already... Even though he told him that he liked him and enjoyed spending time with him. Even despite that, believing in the truth of his feelings was too difficult. There weren't many people who had ever truly liked him once they'd been around him for long enough to know him. There were only enough to count on one hand, probably, and they were all either gone or dead. That wasn't a record to inspire confidence.
Even if he brought himself to believe in Hinata's feelings, he would just fear losing him.
That was a paradox, though.
Just thinking about the fear of losing him meant that a part of him already believed. There was no way he could stop it from happening. Even if it really were just a mistake, naively, Komaeda had already fallen in love with him.
In that whole library, somewhere, Komaeda wished that he could find a book that would tell him what he should do. The words on the pages always kept him company, even if they were just echoes in his own head. The wisdom of millions was held in the countless words written within the books lining the shelves.
He didn't need to talk to anyone. His classmates couldn't tell him anything that he couldn't have found written there. He didn't need anyone's advice.
Books couldn't hurt him.
He would have felt satisfied if they were all he had, knowing very well that they were a substitute.
If he only had himself, life's simplest and safest pleasures, and Hinata...
Well, that was a thought worth one tear, at least. For it to become more than just a fleeting wish, though, it had a much steeper cost, and Komaeda didn't know if he had anything left to pay for it. His luck had already taken his parents and his health, so what else would he have to give if he were to acquire the one thing he wanted most? There was nothing else he valued.
How much he would've struggled for a moment in the sunlight. He would have given up his memory, cut himself into pieces, and wandered endlessly through the darkness of despair as long as it meant he could emerge on the other side, holding Hinata's hand.
Anything.
Holding that kind of conviction, how could he even try to delude himself, saying that he didn't believe him?
“It is the time you have lost for your rose that makes your rose so important.”
Without notice, the words on the page exited his brain through his mouth. Komaeda noticed that he accidentally grabbed Hinata's attention, but he held up a finger, begging him to wait a moment as he processed the line for himself. With the pencil he'd been tapping against his lower lip, he underlined those words.
Once Komaeda lifted the pencil and placed it back against his lip, Hinata asked, curiously, “What rose?”
Komaeda laughed, but he felt his cheeks warming, embarrassed that he'd accidentally spoken out loud. He was glad that the silence had been lifted, though.
“It's one of the best lines from the book I've been reading.” He paused for a second, sliding a torn piece of paper in between the pages like a bookmark, and held up the book for Hinata to see the cover. “I've read it before, many times. It's strangely melancholic... I'm not sure why I keep reading it. I never know what to make of the ending, either. I can't tell if it was meant to be hopeful or not.”
Cheek still planted in his palm, Hinata tilted to the side a little, looking at him thoughtfully. “Maybe you keep reading that one because there's something about it you relate to?”
“Well, I don't think I'm anything like the protagonist. He's selfless and pure – nothing like me.” But he couldn't say that Hinata was wrong. There did feel to be something familiar about the prince's lonely journeys. Each time he read it, he seemed to find something new he related to. Until that line left his lips, he hadn't realized how much he wanted a rose of his own to cherish.
“Maybe I'll just have to read it and see.”
Komaeda's eyes opened wide. “Really? But I thought you weren't enjoying yourself. Don't you think reading is boring?”
“Boring?” Hinata put his hands on the table and straightened up. “Nah. I just picked something at random and it was kind of whatever. I'd be more interested in anything you recommend since it seems like you've read everything in here. You were so focused on what you were reading... Even if you've read it a thousand times, you looked like you were really enjoying yourself, so I didn't want to get up and bother you.”
“I'm sorry you were bored all this time because of me.”
Rather than get angry, Hinata just looked at him gently and laughed. “Come on, you know that's not what I meant. I said I wasn't bored.” His breath stuttered in the next second and he looked away, his cheeks coloring. “Well, and it was kind of hard to focus on reading when you kept doing that thing with your pencil...”
Komaeda glanced down at the book in front of him, confused. “...Underlining?”
“Th-that's not what I'm talking about,” Hinata said shakily. “You kept tapping your pencil against your lips... W-weren't you aware that you were doing that? Like, that's really gross, you know? Do you know where that pencil's been? You shouldn't put a pencil in your-”
Feeling compelled, Komaeda popped the eraser end of the pencil between his lips and stared, awaiting Hinata's reaction. He said it was gross, but Komaeda didn't see anything wrong with it. He hadn't even been thinking about it, much less realized that it would bother Hinata. If he had known that, he might not have done it to begin with, but he enjoyed the way it was making him blush. It didn't require a lot of thinking to draw a conclusion about what Hinata had on his mind.
“Stop that already, will you?”
Komaeda wiggled the pencil around between his lips playfully, then let go of it to speak. “It's fine. It's my pencil.” He tapped the eraser against the page, leaving a wet print in the corner. “I've read that that's actually supposed to be good for you – putting your body into contact with various pathogens, that is. That's how the body builds immunities. Setting certain things aside, I might actually be the healthiest person on this island.”
'Certain things', of course, being his illnesses. He didn't like to think about that and he didn't want to remind Hinata, either.
Unfortunately, the implication didn't seem to escape him.
Putting his elbows on the table, Komaeda leaned across the table toward him. “Hey. I bet I taste like eraser now.”
“Is that supposed to entice me?” Hinata asked, laughing. Secretly, Komaeda was relieved that he was able to quickly turn the situation around and lighten the mood before it could become gloomy. “I don't know if I want to find out what that tastes like, but I guess I'm impressed by your willingness to put your tongue on anything. Did that score you any points in kindergarten?”
Komaeda had to laugh. Hinata was right. He'd been like that for as long as he could remember, always putting his mouth where it didn't belong. He was garbage even before he could perceive himself as garbage! In a sense, it was quite incredible. Even more incredible was the fact that Hinata would want to kiss someone like him; someone with a filthy tongue that was perfect for deceiving. To be fair to himself, his tendency to taste-test strange things may have been preexisting, but it was exacerbated by his illness along with his propensity to twist his words. That didn't make him feel any less disgusting, but it did make him wonder how far he could go with Hinata before he'd tell him to get lost.
“Come on,” Komaeda said, sliding the tip of his tongue along the length of the yellow pencil in front of Hinata's face. “You can do it, too. When you put your tongue on mine, it's like your tongue will have vicariously been everywhere mine was. It's kind of a neat thought, isn't it?”
“Maybe to you...” Hinata stared at him skeptically, backing up in his seat. He turned his head to look toward the entrance, but the front doors were sealed and there was still no one around them in any direction. They were completely alone. “You're really bad at this,” he said. His voice was tight, but it sounded like he was trying to concede, would his pride allow it.
Biting the pencil, Komaeda grinned. “I never claimed to be good at anything. You're awfully red, though, Hinata-kun. Am I having an effect?”
Hinata gripped the sides of his seat and pushed his chair back, putting an additional inch of space between them.
“Hey... If you're suggesting that we- ...that we do it here, then... I don't know. Maybe you should try to remember where we are first.” Scratching his jaw, he looked toward the camera that was stationed directly behind him on a tripod, its lens focused on them with silent and impartial intensity. “Don't get me wrong,” Hinata said suddenly, sounding defensive. “It's not like I was expecting us to do anything here, but now you're... You're getting all weird on me. How else am I supposed to interpret the way you're acting? If you're just messing with me, then knock it off.”
With a sigh, Komaeda rested half of his body on the table.
“What if this is my real idea of flirting? Is it too weird? It's gross, right? No normal person would act like this if they were trying to appeal to you.” After giving the pencil a skillful twirl between his knuckles, he pointed it straight and poked Hinata in the center of the chest with the eraser end. “But that's why it's working. You're a special existence, so I don't want to admit it, Hinata-kun, but you and I are very similar in many ways. The reason you're all red right now is because you were getting turned on by watching me. You could've been honest. There wasn't any need for you to act like you're better than what you're interested in.”
His face by then a marvelous shade of red, Hinata stared down at the pencil jabbing his chest. “What are you suggesting...?”
“I don't know,” Komaeda said, retracting the innocent utensil. He placed the nib back to his lower lip. “What do you want?”
It wasn't like they hadn't already done it.
They fooled around on the beach. Hinata had sex with him in his cottage. Then there was that time when they gave each other handjobs behind the hotel where nobody would find them.
But there were always cameras on them. There were cameras everywhere. They were impossible to avoid. And unless they solely restricted their activities to their boring old cottages, then they would have to face some risk of being seen by the others.
They may have been on a deserted island, but they weren't totally isolated from other people. Expecting anything else would have been silly because the same circumstances would have applied anywhere else in the world.
So what, there were a few cameras on them? They didn't know who was watching. For all they knew, they may have agreed to the class trip without remembering or realizing it. They may have put their signatures on a consent form to join some kind of social experiment. They might've been getting bent out of shape over nothing.
No matter how he looked at it, it was, of course, an absurd and highly suspicious situation, but, as the days accumulated without any danger, Komaeda found his stress being eased away. It was weird, but it was a lot better than his daily life and he suddenly had a boyfriend (dare he call him such) to show for it as well, so it couldn't have been as bad as it first appeared.
“Maybe we're actually on a reality dating show,” he posited, staring over Hinata's shoulder into the camera. He wondered if his gaze would unnerve whoever was watching.
“Seriously?” Hinata scoffed. “No way. What network would run a show where kids fuck live on camera? That would be messed up – and there's no way I would ever agree to anything like that, so that idea better not be the truth.”
Komaeda slowly slid off the table and back into his chair. He continued to stare at the camera, wondering who was watching, what sort of people would have sent them there, who was monitoring them, if they had their eyes on them at every second... Worse, he wondered if they were being recorded. They had to be, if for no other reason than 'why not?' He imagined an immoral scenario in which their actions were being broadcast live to thousands or millions of people.
Apart from kissing and holding hands and having sex in places where they hoped they wouldn't be seen, no one had done anything outrageous, though. He didn't know what they were expecting, but they weren't killing each other. That sort of thing only happened in brutal horror movies.
The pencil loosened from his fingers and fell to the table with an awkwardly loud, unceremonious clatter.
That sort of thing...
No, in his life, with his luck, 'that' sort of thing most certainly could have happened.
“Hey. Are you okay? You look pale – paler than usual.”
Komaeda raised his chin and looked at Hinata. He looked like he was worried. Komaeda didn't know what kind of face he'd been making while he was thinking, but it must have been enough to cause him concern. “It's nothing,” he said, hoping that he would believe him. As unrealistic as it sounded, that train of thought had greatly shaken him. He just didn't know why.
“I'm sorry if I'm still being distracting,” Hinata said, sounding like he was genuinely sorry.
Even though Hinata was mistaken, Komaeda still felt flattered. Hinata should have been saving that concern for someone else, but he was glad to receive it. “Like I said, I've read this one before. I could probably recite whole chapters of it blindfolded for you. You aren't interrupting anything. I didn't recommend coming to the library because I felt like reading a book I've read before. I wanted us to come here because I enjoy spending time with you.” Idly, he pushed the pencil around the table, giving it a little kick with the tip of his finger. When he caught Hinata's eyes, he licked the corner of his mouth, giving him a glimpse of his tongue. “It's quiet here, and there usually aren't many people here at this time.”
“Alright, already. I get it,” Hinata said, exasperated. Hands on the table, he pushed back his chair and stood with his feet apart. “You could've said it. I'm the one who invited you out and I agreed to come here with you.”
“You could say it, too,” Komaeda said. Hinata was so amusing. He was honest when he was aroused, but he acted like a little boy; so inexperienced and flustered. Komaeda was just as inexperienced, but he felt like he could be confident in front of him when he acted that way. The two of them were in the same boat. It was nice to feel like he had control over something.
Did he, though...?
Suddenly, he found himself questioning whether that was true until he heard Hinata reply, answering him with confirmation.
“I want you.” So quickly, all in one breath. Any more than that and he might have passed out. He was looking at him with steadily strengthening conviction. “Hell, I... I don't understand this situation we're in, but listening to you has made me think differently. If this isn't a joke... If we're stuck here for good, me and you, then what's the point in holding back for the cameras? For all we know, we could live and die in front of these cameras, so...”
“Hinata-kun...”
Right. That was what Hinata had been afraid of from the moment they arrived on the island. As their peaceful days continued, he just got good at concealing that feeling. Inside, he was still terribly worried about what would become of them.
Feeling moved with the motivation to help him somehow, in any way that his worthless self could, Komaeda got up and went around the table, joining Hinata on the other side. He held out a hand and Hinata hesitantly clasped it, pulling in a breath through his nose.
Komaeda hoped that maybe, just this once, his dirty mouth could spit out something good.
“We just need to believe in hope.”
Judging by the look he was given, he had the feeling he hadn't chosen the right words. Hinata was grimacing, like he was tired of hearing him talk about hope. To Komaeda, hope felt like something real and visceral that he could seize as long as he kept reaching out for it, but a part of him was aware that others didn't think of it like that. He wished that at least Hinata would understand.
So he tried again. “Because... You see, if we collect all of the hope fragments, the purpose of this trip will be complete, and then maybe we can leave. Makes sense, doesn't it? That's why I think it's alright for us to relax here. Consider the alternative.”
“Yeah, the alternative.” Hinata's expression only got darker. “I think I've thought about that too much. I've been collecting the fragments and I've been having a good time with everyone, but...”
Komaeda squeezed his hand. “No buts. Have hope.”
“You can't just make someone have hope by telling them to,” Hinata said. He looked at their joined hands. “I wish I could understand you. Is it hard for you to act so carefree? It feels impossible for me, but if it's hard for you, too, then...”
It wasn't that it was 'hard'. He just had to be that way. He didn't have any choice.
Maybe it was hard.
He didn't want to think about it. If he thought about it too deeply, he was afraid that it would lose the ease with which it came to him – the ease that took years of looking on the bright side while willfully turning a blind eye to his misfortunes to achieve.
“Ha... You're right,” Komaeda said. “There's no way you could start believing in hope that easily. You have to see it for yourself first.”
“You've seen it?”
...Huh.
That was strange.
Had he seen it? He was sure he had, once. In a slight panic, searching back through his memories, he couldn't remember when he had seen hope for himself, but he was sure the memory had to be there somewhere. He didn't remember what it looked like, but he remembered the feeling it filled him up with. After that time, it became easier to climb over despair, knowing without a doubt that hope existed somewhere, waiting for him.
Such a vague memory was unreliable. It may not have been hope at all, but it felt like it was something like hope. It gave him hope, whatever it was.
Like Hinata, he looked at their hands. His warmth felt nostalgic.
When he looked up, he felt something strike his heart.
“I...” He swallowed and nodded, suddenly finding himself breathless. “Yeah. I know I've seen it.”
Hinata finally graced him with another smile. “I almost feel like I should be jealous. You talk about hope like you're in love with it.”
Jealous? No, there wasn't anything for him to be jealous of. Komaeda had the strange feeling that Hinata and the hope he was searching for were one and the same. He still didn't know what Hinata's talent was, so maybe it was just a coincidence, but it didn't feel as simple as that. When he was with him, he felt comfortable and safe. It was foolish, but he prayed that Hinata really could be the hope he was looking for. If he were, then his fears could finally be dispelled.
Being so carefree wasn't easy.
He took a step forward, closing the small distance between them. “If I'm lucky, then you could be my hope.”
Hinata leaned closer, bringing himself a breath away from Komaeda's lips. “Really? Is that so. Compared to your 'hope', I feel like the other man in this relationship. To be your hope, I think I'd have to be pretty lucky, too.”
Komaeda sucked in a breath to keep himself steady, his head feeling dizzy with Hinata's close proximity. “I-it almost sounds like you like me, Hinata-kun.”
At that, Hinata straightened back up, pulling away before the precarious half-inch of space between them could be closed. “What? How many times have I said it? Weren't you listening?”
“Say it again,” Komaeda requested hopefully, instantly brightening.
“S-stop. I can't just say it on the spot if you ask me to...”
“Hmmm? Really?” He innocently put his hands behind his back and pretended to walk away like he was losing interest. As he circled around Hinata's back, he grabbed him from behind, tightening his arms around Hinata's waist as he pulled him into a hug against his chest. “Hey,” he said, close to his ear. “Is it alright if I say it, then? Can I say it?”
Hinata clicked his tongue, but it only sounded like he was pretending to be irritated. “What do you need my permission for?”
That went without saying. Scum didn't deserve to speak to anyone who shined as brilliantly as Hinata. But, since he was just pretending, then that meant that he was giving him his permission after all.
Leaning against him felt so nice. So did holding him and kissing his neck, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath his lips and the way it made Hinata slightly tremble. There was no doubt that Hinata was a truly special and wonderful person if he could find it in his heart to let him be close to him. It didn't feel like pity, and even if Komaeda wanted to think Hinata was stupid for it, he was too grateful to make any further excuses for his decision.
“I like you. I like you a lot, Hinata-kun.” Could he go further than that? Would it make Hinata mad? “I love you.” He said it anyway.
Hinata shook his head, but he didn't do anything to push him off or anything like that. He seemed pretty comfortable with where he was. “Saying it like that... We've been together for like a week. When you say it that way, it puts a lot of pressure on me, you know. I'm not going to say something I don't mean.”
“You don't love me, too?” Komaeda asked. He knew full well what Hinata meant. He just felt like teasing him. It was alright if Hinata couldn't make the extra step to take his 'like' to 'love' yet. For his own part, Komaeda had no doubt of his own feelings, no matter how much he wanted to deny and ignore them. “You're my first love.”
“Really? The first?”
Komaeda didn't know whether to feel offended. It sounded like he might've been mocking him for how easily he'd fallen for him.
“Maybe,” Komaeda said, giving it some thought. “Probably.”
“If you aren't sure, then why did you say it?” Hinata asked, twisting in his embrace so he could turn around and stare at him.
Had there ever been anyone else? Komaeda couldn't rightly remember. It was a little distressing that he couldn't remember. All he could remember was that familiar feeling of hope from that one vague time, but he couldn't remember if someone else had been responsible for it.
The only thing he could be sure of was that he was there at that moment, standing with his arms around Hinata's waist, and when he looked into his eyes, he felt that glimmer of hopefulness inside of himself.
That moment was really all that mattered.
“No, I'm sure of it now,” he answered. “You're my first love. You're the one who made me feel this way. Not only that – nobody else has ever let me feel this way about them. It's an honor.”
Hinata leaned back a bit, putting a hand on the edge of the table. “I-I'm not sure I can tell you how to feel. The things you feel are up to you.”
Seriously, what a nice guy. Hinata must not have had any idea how cruel other people could be. If he did- Well, he might not have been treating him so kindly, for one thing. Other people always told him how to feel. He was used to it.
Like, “Stop crying, Komaeda.”
Or, “Don't get mad at us, Komaeda. It was your fault.”
He didn't know what he was going to do with himself. Every time Hinata opened his mouth, he found himself loving him more and more. The things he said might've sounded ordinary to anyone else, but they were spoken to him so rarely. That was what made them important. The fact that Hinata would even allow him his time had to mean something, considering his luck.
He loosened his arms and took a step back, holding one hand under his chin in thought. “I wonder what I did to deserve this... Kind of afraid...”
“You're talking to yourself.”
So he was. And he'd totally distracted himself from what he was thinking about earlier. Somebody mentioned hope and he got all screwed up.
Feeling flustered after realizing that he'd lost his place, it made it harder for him to recall the course of their conversation to even figure out how they'd ended up there. So he glanced around and his eyes eventually landed on the book he'd been reading and the pencil that was resting near it.
That's where he'd been going...
“What're you-”
Hinata didn't have the time to speak as his words were silenced by Komaeda's lips. When his mouth opened, Komaeda slid his tongue right inside and took control of him, pushing Hinata's back up against the edge of the table. He felt him gasp and reveled in the surprised look he saw in his eyes before they slowly closed, overcome by the need he'd been trying to ignore.
As he closed his eyes as well, getting into the kiss, Komaeda wondered if he actually tasted like eraser. ...Was that a bad thing? It smelled like lead or graphite or whatever was in a pencil, but it hadn't tasted like anything.
That little bothersome concern melted away the longer they kissed. He didn't quite know what to do with his hands, so he kept his arms around Hinata's waist, lightly stroking his fingers over the back of his thin shirt. It seemed so easy to get Hinata to respond the way he wanted as long as he touched him in the right places, as long as he was massaging his tongue. He just hoped that Hinata wouldn't have fallen apart that easily for anyone else.
When he drew back, Hinata's face was left flushed, his lips glistening. Very quickly, he tried to shake it off and right himself, but Komaeda put a knee between his legs and held him in place, putting his hands down on the table behind him, trapping him between his arms.
The only reason Hinata would try to get away from him was because of the stubborn pride he was holding on to.
Leaning in again, Komaeda kissed the corner of his mouth, then slid his tongue along his lower lip. It made Hinata shudder, but not in an unpleasant way. “Did you distract me on purpose, Hinata-kun?” he asked.
“That wasn't me,” he said, turning his face away, blush still all too visible to hide.
“Aw, it's okay. If it's the cameras you're worried about, then try pretending they aren't there.” He lowered his voice, nosing Hinata's jaw. “Or acknowledge them. That's fine, too. Nobody's stopping us, so just act natural. Whether we're on a show or in an experiment or if we're being observed by administrators from the school, I think they would admire you if you showed them your honest self.”
Hinata didn't say anything, staring at the nearest camera, shifting his weight nervously. The honest side of him was emerging; the side of him that Komaeda loved. He loved every side of him that he'd been shown so far – even the parts of him that may have disgusted him if he encountered them in anyone else. That was one of the things that made Hinata so special.
He wanted to see him unravel. He wanted to discover the parts yet concealed and find out what was sleeping inside of him.
“Komaeda...”
Oh? It sounded like he was asking for it.
Taking that as his cue, Komaeda picked up one hand and slid it down Hinata's chest, aiming for his belt. There was no need to fully undress him unless he wanted to embarrass him. Although the thought was tempting, he didn't want to push his luck while he was already feeling so lucky, so he tried to be careful.
“No need to say it, Hinata-kun. I know what it is you want,” he said, slowly lowering himself onto his knees. He heard Hinata's breath hitch as he grasped his buckle and unfastened it. He didn't want to remove his belt, so he just left it and moved on to the waist of his pants. Glancing up, smiling to himself, he looked at Hinata and watched his flustered face as he popped the button.
He didn't have a clue what he was doing, but he'd read enough books to have an idea or two – and he had a very interesting idea. He hoped that Hinata would like it, too. There was no way to know until he got there. It felt like a distinctly bad idea to tell him what he had in mind. It involved his mouth and Hinata had shown a strong interest in the things he did with his tongue so far, so it seemed like it would be alight as long as he didn't spook him first.
Hinata braced himself and let out a rough breath as Komaeda moved his hands up, sliding them underneath the bottom of his shirt. He touched his sides, the curve of his ribs, and let his fingertips travel as far as the center of his chest where his skin felt slightly sweaty from the stuffy library. With his shirt pushed up like that, he couldn't resist nuzzling his exposed stomach. He was so warm... His skin felt nice against his lips. When he felt himself getting lost in that feeling, his thoughts becoming a bit unfocused, he felt one of Hinata's hands in his hair and looked up again.
“You look all red now,” Hinata mumbled.
“You're one to talk,” Komaeda said back, admiring Hinata's very red cheeks. The warmth of the library was getting to him, too, though. It made Komaeda wish that they could crack open a window... But he didn't plan on getting up and interrupting what they were in the middle of.
When he slipped his hands away, Hinata made a sound that he had clearly failed to stifle. He looked like he was ready to die for letting it be heard. Making sure he was still watching, Komaeda raised one of his hands to his mouth and put two of his fingers in his mouth, tasting the pleasantly salty taste of Hinata's skin that lingered on them.
“Y... You're nasty,” Hinata said, taking his hand off the back of Komaeda's head.
“Hm? Was that a compliment?” The way he said it, it sure sounded like it was meant to be one. It lacked heat. If he wanted to insult him, there was much worse he could've said. Komaeda took it as another little motivator and kept on with what he was doing. Touching his wet fingers to the skin above Hinata's hip, he received a lovely reaction from him; Hinata's thighs trembled, like he was so surprised and aroused that he may have lost his balance were he not braced against the table.
If someone walked in on them... They hadn't gone very far yet, but even the position they were already in would have looked highly suspicious. Despite the looming threat of being found if someone else decided it was a nice time for a read, Komaeda didn't feel pressured to go faster. There was just the heat of the library pressing down on him.
Leaning forward, he nudged his cheek against the front of Hinata's unzipped pants, nuzzling his cock through his underwear. Hastily, he shrugged his coat off his shoulders and pulled it off without ever breaking contact, breathing hotly against him. He felt so hard... It made him wish that he could bend over the table and have Hinata fuck him, but he didn't bring the proper preparation for that, so he settled for rubbing his palm against himself as he mouthed him through his clothes.
“You're trying to break some kind of record here, right? How lewd can you get?” Hinata asked rhetorically, swatting at his head. “Stop messing up my clothes.”
Komaeda pulled back, his lips feeling a little chapped from the dry fabric. “Ehehe, that's alright. I think I get what you're really trying to say.” Taking his hand off himself, Komaeda grasped the waist of Hinata's pants by the belt and tugged them down along with his underwear, pulling them down a bit farther than Hinata was probably expecting. His cock sprung up, already hard and leaking a little from the tip. Unable to stop himself, Komaeda popped the head into his mouth and sucked it clean, his eyes rolling back at the salty taste.
He broke away before Hinata could get too used to it, but he did hear him grumble his disappointment. With something even more mischievous in mind, he licked across Hinata's bare hip, avoiding his cock, and put his hands on his waist. Looking up at him, he gave him a light push, and Hinata turned around like he wanted, facing the table.
Hinata looked over his shoulder at him, one brow raised curiously. “Like this? What are you going to-”
Komaeda cut him off again, licking the base of his spine as he lifted up the back of his shirt. He reached around him as he ran his tongue over his smooth skin to fondle his cock, giving it a few courteous strokes as encouragement. Slowly, Hinata began to relax, leaning forward over the table on his elbows, letting Komaeda lick and kiss his way across his back as he stroked him.
He really must not have cared about the cameras anymore. Komaeda hadn't cared about them from the start, but he kept them at the back of his mind.
Did Hinata enjoy being on bottom...? Komaeda didn't have any point of reference. Til then, he'd graciously taken the bottom position for him. He could've asked him, but he knew that Hinata might not respond truthfully.
As he kept Hinata distracted with his hand and tongue, he moved his other hand down and smoothed it over the curve of his backside. Receiving no complaints, he massaged the skin there for a moment, letting him get used to the feeling of where he was and where he might be going before he continued, sliding his hand inward to make him widen his stance. As if unconsciously, Hinata leaned farther forward, exposing his entrance. He didn't say anything, but Komaeda noticed him glancing back at him with a look that appeared somewhat anxious.
So he wanted it after all...
Bringing both hands down, holding his thighs from the front, Komaeda breathed, steadying his excited nerves, and leaned in, giving his entrance a quick, curious lick. He pulled back as soon as he heard Hinata let out a surprised sound.
“Weird?” he asked.
Hinata looked away, putting his face down against the table. “...Don't say anything.”
He really wanted it...!
Though there were a lot of things he wanted to say, Komaeda kept it to himself and continued, determined to do his absolute best. He didn't know what he was doing, but after Hinata gave him that kind of look, he felt like he was going in the right direction.
Since he was often alone and needed to occupy himself, he read a lot and he read just about anything that fell into his hands. He never particularly found romance novels interesting unless they were truly romantic, but he did have a morbid curiosity when it came to the really dirty parts – maybe because he thought he'd never engage in such things himself. It seemed that all of that 'studying' was finally going to pay off.
Hinata gasped loudly. “That's-!” Komaeda heard him scratching at the surface of the table and felt him tremble beneath his hands as he spread him open and pressed his tongue inside. Hinata was fighting his own sense of what was right as he slowly submitted to the fact that he was enjoying something so lewd.
Komaeda didn't mind it at all. His head was swimming with his scent and taste. His skin only tasted a little salty. He wished that he could assure Hinata that he wasn't dirty or anything, but he didn't want to open his mouth when Hinata told him not to. He decided to show him in other ways like moaning as he brought his lips together and sucked on the sensitive spot. The more he sucked on it and lapped at him with his tongue, the messier and wetter it made him. Komaeda's own cock was straining and aching, trapped in his pants that had started to feel too tight. It was burning him up inside, seeing him so wet and listening to the obscene noises produced by his own lips.
He took a moment to breathe, feeling like he was going to pass out if he didn't. As he did, Hinata turned around slightly to look back at him.
“Komaeda, um... You really don't have to...”
Wasn't it a little late for him to be saying that? Komaeda didn't bother to respond. If Hinata enjoyed it, then he didn't have any problem with it. He was glad he liked it, so Hinata didn't have to feel obligated to give him an opportunity to stop.
He tightened his hand back around Hinata's cock and stroked, surprised at just how wet the tip had become. Taking a quick glance away, he noticed that a bit of it had already dripped onto the floor between his legs. With the strange mood he was in, Komaeda felt an inexplicable urge to get on his hands and knees and clean it up with his mouth.
But maybe that would've been going too far.
Keeping his grasp gentle yet firm, Komaeda stroked him in the way that he thought Hinata liked best. His scent was definitely getting to his head, making him feel painfully aroused. His vision clouded for a moment and he pressed the heel of his palm against himself to try to take the edge off. If he wasn't careful, he was going to end up coming in his pants. It would've been awfully embarrassing if he had to walk all the way back to his cottage in such a condition...
Yet, for some reason, the thought of that just made him feel even more excited. He lapped at Hinata eagerly, drawing his tongue over his entrance over and over with long swipes of his tongue. Hinata was trying to hold himself together, fidgeting anxiously. He was clearly trying to restrain the movement of his hips, but he couldn't stop them as they shivered and wiggled, instinctively trying to thrust into his hand and receive more from Komaeda's tongue.
“Komaeda, I- Ah... I don't know how much longer I'm going to last like this.”
If Hinata came, that was going to be a bit of a problem, wasn't it? How were they going to clean up...? They were in the middle of the library.
There was only one answer. It seemed obvious to Komaeda.
Wordlessly, he grabbed him by the hips and turned him around. Hinata pressed his thighs together, trying to hold back a moan as he was put where Komaeda could see him. As soon as Komaeda looked up, Hinata was already covering his face with one arm, embarrassed of the redness of his face.
“J-just get on with it,” he muttered, putting his other hand in Komaeda's hair.
Knowing where he would still be sensitive, Komaeda reached behind him and pressed his fingers lightly against Hinata's entrance as he moved in and wrapped his lips around his cock. Just having him in his mouth, feeling him against his tongue, smelling him – that was what Komaeda wanted. It felt like that had been what he'd been waiting for.
Even though he knew how grossly wanton it made him look, he couldn't help the way his lips widened onto a smile around Hinata's cock. He breathed through his nose and moaned, feeling a bit overwhelmed by how much he unexpectedly loved the taste of him. He could taste more precum on the back of his tongue and it made his cock twitch in his pants, close to coming just from sucking on Hinata's cock.
Hinata's fingers tightened in his hair, and as much as he tried to keep his hips still, he couldn't stop himself from thrusting into his mouth with short, stuttering thrusts.
Komaeda kept stroking his fingers over his entrance, his fingers slippery, sliding over his skin, nearly slipping inside each time he passed over it. Drool dripped down his chin as he took Hinata all the way into his mouth, nearly choking on the length of it as he felt it nudge the back of his throat. He breathed deeply through his nose, pushing away the slightly sick feeling in his stomach, forcing himself to get used to it. Before long, it actually started to feel good to feel Hinata's cock sliding all the way from the tip of his tongue to the back of his throat and back again.
“Komaeda, I'm going to...”
It was nice of him to warn him, but Komaeda didn't care. He grabbed Hinata's hips and kept his mouth around him and waited, letting him thrust into his mouth a few more times until he felt him coming across his tongue. Hinata groaned quietly, his fingers flexing in Komaeda's hair. As he came, Komaeda tried to swallow around him, letting most of his cum slide down his throat before he could even taste it.
When he received the last of it, he pulled away and sat back on his knees on the dusty floor.
Seeing him licking his lips, Hinata gave him a startled look. “Did... Wait, really? You- ...You swallowed it, didn't you?”
That was a question, so Komaeda figured it was alright to finally answer. “What else was I going to do? We should respect the library. It wouldn't be nice to get it dirty.”
“Who cares about the library...” Hinata muttered, sounding dazed, but... Was that also concern in his voice? “What about you? You're hard.”
Komaeda looked down at himself. There wasn't any avoiding it; he looked as aroused as he felt. It would have been a pain if he made a mess of himself, but it would've been equally bad to leave while he was still so hard. It wasn't just going to go away at that point. Trying to will it away was going to make it painful. But he couldn't ask Hinata to-
“Can I watch?”
Komaeda blinked. “...You mean you want to watch me do it myself?”
Hinata started working on his pants as a way to act distracted. “Yeah. After what you just did, that's not weird, is it?”
Having no desire to protest, Komaeda put his hands on his belt and looked up at Hinata, giving his face one last look to confirm that he wasn't messing with him. It was hard to believe, but... Hinata really wanted to watch him. It wasn't going to be very interesting – he could already tell.
He pushed down his pants enough to take out his cock. As soon as he wrapped his hand around it, his body shivered, startlingly close to coming from one touch. He could feel Hinata watching him, but he wasn't sure whether he should try to do anything to make himself more interesting to watch. His thoughts were a jumbled mess, all tangled up in his head.
Receiving Hinata's attention was more than he was deserving of. Komaeda squeezed his eyes closed and bit his lip as he moved his hand, but he was unable to quiet the needy sounds that came from his mouth with each stroke. There had to be something wrong with Hinata if he wanted to watch him. Or maybe he just enjoyed watching him degrading himself in front of him. Maybe that was...
But when he looked back up at Hinata and saw the way he was watching him, eyes hazy, lips parted, his hands clutching the edge of the table... Komaeda realized that couldn't have been true. That was the face of someone who liked what they saw.
With a sudden cry that echoed all the way to the tall ceiling, Komaeda came, stroking his fist over himself quickly. As the heat passed through his body and his shoulders quivered, he kept the rest of himself still, letting Hinata observe. When it was finished and his eyes focused, he looked back up and found Hinata much closer than before.
Hinata grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand up. The thought of what Hinata was about to do didn't even register as a possibility in Komaeda's mind, so he didn't think to tell him to stop before Hinata lifted his hand to his mouth and licked his palm. Hinata made a face, but he licked it until it was clean, going as far as to even slip his tongue between the sensitive spaces between his fingers.
“Thank... you...?” Komaeda mumbled, in a state of shock.
Hinata shook his head. “Pretty gross, to be honest.” He took Komaeda's other hand and helped him stand. “Maybe I shouldn't say that, though. Sorry. I'm impressed that you were able to do that. It, uh...” He gave his hands a light squeeze before letting them go. “I think I liked it, so... I wouldn't mind doing that again.”
“You mean the part where I licked your asshole, right? Just for clarification.”
With an indignant groan, Hinata pushed his shoulder. “D-don't say it!”
Nodding, Komaeda refastened his belt and picked up his coat. “Alright, got it. Mental note made. It makes me happy if I can be of use to you, so making you feel good makes me feel good, too. Not that I deserve it, but-”
“It's fine.” Grabbing the front of his shirt, Hinata pulled him closer, into a kiss. It was a simple kiss, but it lingered, so when they pulled away, the heat could be felt between them on their breath. “I'm glad I asked you out today. This may sound weird after something like that, but I feel like I understand you a little more.”
Komaeda could barely believe his ears. “Really? Are you sure you don't think I'm more gross?”
“You're totally gross.” But Hinata grinned warmly. “Who said that was a bad thing? You didn't do that to try to scare me off, did you? I thought you figured out from the beginning that I thought all of that was super hot.”
Oh.
Well. He kind of figured that out. A little.
'Super hot', though? What an amazing exaggeration. It even made Komaeda feel flattered.
Komaeda looked around, unsure what to do. His eyes eventually went to the jacket in his arms, but there was no way he was putting it back on. He still felt pretty hot, especially after what he did in front of Hinata. “So...” he began, toeing the floor with the front of his shoe. “You'd say you enjoyed yourself?”
To his relief, Hinata smiled, easing the bit of anxiousness that remained in Komaeda's heart. “Yeah, of course. I've definitely never had a boring time with you, that's for sure. When I'm with you, something unpredictable always happens, but that's what makes our dates exciting.” As soon as he realized that he referred to their outings as 'dates', he quickly turned around and started fussing with the things they left on the table. “A-anyway. We should get out of here. I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm going to die of heat stroke.”
“I know what you mean. I feel like I'm melting,” Komaeda agreed.
He was about to go back to his side of the table to grab his book, but Hinata snatched it up before he could get to it. “I'll be taking this one with me. That's okay, right? You've already read it.”
“H-hold on!” Komaeda said, his voice rising in a panic. “I haven't erased the pencil marks I made yet. I didn't use a highlighter because it's disrespectful to deface a book. It can't be returned in the condition it's in right now, so...”
“That's fine. If you're that concerned about the pencil lines, I can erase them for you after I finish reading it,” Hinata said. Little did he know, that wasn't the real reason Komaeda was so anxious to have the book returned to him. He was afraid of what Hinata might think if he read the lines he'd underlined. But Hinata looked totally heedless of his fear. “I'm kind of excited to read it. It sounded like this book means something to you, so if I can see which parts you thought were the most important, I might be able to understand how it made you feel. O-or something,” Hinata said, finishing with a bashful laugh.
Komaeda couldn't think of anything to say. His heart was touched.
He just nodded, recalling some words from the book.
His mixed up brain and clumsy words always got him in trouble. When it came to Hinata, it would have been wiser if he tried thinking with his heart instead of his head. He was afraid of letting anyone see the fragile things inside of his breakable heart, but if it was Hinata...
“I hope you like it,” he said.
Hinata tucked the book under his arm. He didn't say anything, but Komaeda had the feeling that Hinata understood what he was really trying to say.