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Captain Kathryn Janeway saw the door of her Ready Room slid close. She wanted to shout, to run after Chakotay, but her feet stood frozen and tears started streaming down her face. He’d walked away and was not likely to return. It was all too late…
Just this morning they had miraculously arrived in the Alpha Quadrant, using a Borg transwarp conduit. It was all still a bit unbelievable, but what had hurt her most was Chakotay's confession just a few moments ago that he indeed had started a relationship with Seven of Nine. Of all women he could choose from on the ship, he’d chosen her. Or, as he had put it, Seven had chosen him and he’d accepted.
Kathryn had acted happy, congratulated him and wished him all the best. It had taken all her command training not to break in front of him. She managed to smile, but felt her eyes betray her. Had he noticed, like he always did? He had accepted her congratulations and left her ready room.
Kathryn felt hurt, betrayed and most of all, utterly alone. Finally home and for what? Only her mother, sister and some puppies who’d all grown in her absence. She felt her knees give way. She sank to the ground, threw her arms around her knees and burst into sobs.
How can I just let you walk away?
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath, with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
Oh, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Ooh, take a look at me now
Well, there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face
I wish, I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
Well, there's just an empty space
And there's nothin' left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do
And that's what I've gotta face
Take a good look at me now
'Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take
Take a look at me now
He wouldn’t turn around and come back. It was done.
She sat there for a while, sobbing, crying and feeling sorry for herself. She’d been too stubborn. She’d pushed him away so many times it was only logical that eventually he’d move on. But why with Seven? Seven was practically a child, just learning how to develop her emotions.
If Kathryn was honest, she knew exactly why he’d chosen her. Seven was beautiful, smart and a fast learner. But physically half his age and emotionally even less. A sarcastic laugh escaped the captain. Cast aside for a much younger woman, while they weren't even officially in a relationship. If it weren't so tragic, it would almost be funny.
The captain felt her breathing calm and her sobs slowly subside. She rested her chin on her knees and wiped the tears from her cheeks, straightened her shoulders, and stood up. Giving up wasn't in her nature. Besides, it was almost time to disembark, there was work to be done.
She quickly threw some water in her face, redid her mascara and sadly smiled to herself in the mirror. Acting like nothing happened, she entered the bridge, ready to face the music.
++++++
Chakotay heard the door of the Ready Room slide close behind his back. He felt torn. He looked forward to seeing Seven of Nine later, but a little voice in his head told him he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life. Kathryn had been happy for him, had congratulated him on his new relationship, but her eyes hadn't joined in. As if she were only pretending to be happy. Had he misunderstood after all?
They seemed to have grown apart in recent months. They still ate together regularly, but the relaxed atmosphere had worn off. Meanwhile, Seven of Nine had been trying to get closer. She’d invited him to the holodeck a few times, or to lunch together in the mess hall.
After their joint trip to Ledos he and Seven grew closer and he really enjoyed her company. He crossed the now empty bridge towards the turbolift and returned to his quarters. There was not much to do besides waiting for the Admiralty to give them permission to disembark. He would probably stay on board for a few more days since he’d no place to stay on Earth. People who had homes of families to return to in the Sol system could do so, just until they had to report back to HQ for the debriefings. Dorvan V was too far away and there was probably no-one waiting for him there. He’d better stay on board with Seven. He suddenly decided not to return to his quarters, but told the computer to alter the course of the lift to Cargobay Two. He was going to pay Seven a surprise visit.
+++++++
The bridge was empty. Most stations were locked, since they were docked on Utopia Planetia. Kathryn felt lonely again. She walked over to her captain's chair and sat down. She looked to her left to see the empty commander's chair. She leaned back and tried to enjoy the silence. It was too loud. No chiming controls, no squeaking alarms, even the humming of the warp core had gone. It was deafeningly silent. She knew she had to go back to her quarters to pack, but she couldn't bring herself to it. Not yet. She leaned her head to the back of the chair and closed her eyes. A wave of tiredness came over her and within seconds she fell asleep.
+++++
Chakotay entered the cargo bay. It was dark, the lights of Sevens regeneration alcove gave the room a blue glow. Seven stood in her alcove, eyes closed. Chakotay expected to feel a bunch of butterflies in his stomach when he approached her, but to his surprise, he felt little. The display on her alcove indicated her cycle would end in only two minutes, so he decided to wait for her to wake up. He leaned against the bulkhead next to the alcove and watched her sleep.
She was pretty. Perfectly shaped eyebrows, perfectly styled hair, spotless skin and a perfectly shaped body. She was just… perfect. He frowned at this observation. How old was she exactly? She’d been four when her parents took her along to observe the Borg. She was about six when she was assimilated and lived with the Borg for eighteen years. That would make her around twenty-eight right now. So young. So different from… No, stop, he shouldn’t think that.
A sound indicated her cycle had ended and she stepped out of the alcove.
“Chakotay,” she stated, “do you require my assistance?”
“No, not at all,” he smiled, stepping towards her. “I just wanted to see you.”
“See me?”
“Yes.” He hesitated for a moment before he asked, “Don't you like seeing me then?”
“I was not aware we had an appointment at this moment.”
“Seven, you don't necessarily need to make an appointment to see your loved one. Spontaneous visits are part of the fun,” he explained, a little annoyed that she wasn't thrilled to see him. He stepped closer to kiss her. It felt like kissing a dressing doll and to make it worse, he saw Kathryn's hurt face before his mind's eye when their lips met. Confused, he withdrew. Seeing Seven's clueless face, he sighed.
“I’m sorry, it was a mistake coming here. Coming to think of it, this is all a mistake.”
“I do not understand.”
“Us, you and me, me helping you explore your humanity. That's a mistake, I shouldn’t be helping you. You should seek out someone your own age.”
“The Doctor suggested I sought someone with experience. To my knowledge, you meet that requirement,” Seven answered, slightly confused.
“I’m sure he did, but I was wrong to accept. I’m sorry, Seven, this isn't going to work. If we’d still been in the Delta Quadrant, things might be different but now that we aren't, there are plenty of men you could choose from. Men who will actually love you.”
“You do not love me?”
He looked at her for a moment, finally coming to senses that he indeed did not love this woman and never would. That his heart still belonged to someone else.
“No, Seven. I like you very much, but I have to be honest with you. I do not love you.”
“I see. Well, Thank you for informing me. Now, if you will excuse me, I have work to attend to.”
He was stunned.
“You accept that, just like that?”
“Do I need to react otherwise?”
“No,” he smiled. “No, Seven, it’s okay. Please excuse me too, I too have to be elsewhere.”
She nodded, then turned on her heels and started working on her alcove. Chakotay took a last look and also turned, heading for the exit of the Cargobay. Now he had to figure out how to set things straight with Kathryn.
+++++
On the bridge, Kathryn Janeway sat with her eyes closed. She was still sleeping when her own snoring woke her up. Bewildered, she looked around, only to find out she was still alone. She sighed, put her hands on the armrests of her chair and pushed herself to her feet. She straightened her shoulders and left the bridge.
She doubted for a moment where to go. Her quarters would be equally empty. Tuvok was on his way to Vulcan to meet with his family and get treatment for his illness. Neelix was left behind on a distant asteroid in the Delta Quadrant. Tom and B’Elanna were probably too busy getting used to their new life as parents to Miral and she had no interest whatsoever to talk to either Chakotay or Seven. That left only The Doctor to talk to. She sent the turbolift down to deck five. She told herself she was just checking up with the EMH.
When the captain entered Sickbay, the Doctor just left his office.
“Ah, Captain, you’ve just missed the newborn parents. I’ve had them disembark early to Lieutenant Paris's parents to settle down with the baby.”
“I didn't come to check on the baby, I came to check on you actually. Is there any news on what you’re expected to do when we've disembarked?”
“I haven't been informed yet. They will either debrief me or just deactivate me, I suppose.”
“I will see that you will be properly debriefed, just like the rest of us,” the captain assured him, smiling.
The doctor returned the smile, then looked at her questioningly. He noticed that her mouth was smiling, but her eyes weren't.
“Captain, are you okay? Is anyone paying attention to you?”
Janeway let her shoulders drop.
“Actually, no, that's why I came down here. Everyone is attending to their own business and that's a good thing. I just feel a little left behind.”
“Aren’t you looking forward to seeing your mother and sister again?”
“Well, yes, of course, but it’s so strange that only yesterday we had no idea if we’d ever see Earth again and now we’re preparing to disembark. It’s all a bit sudden.”
“And what about Commander Chakotay? Will he join you on Earth?”
“Probably not, I think he’s leaving with Seven.”
“With Seven?” The Doctor asked surprised. “Why would he do that?”
“Because, apparently, they decided that they would make a nice couple.”
The Doctor's jaw dropped, before he quickly closed it again. He cleared his throat before stammering.
“Right. Okay, I see. So she immediately started working on my advice. But why Commander Chakotay?”
“That's the Million Dollar Question now, isn’t it?”
“Well, I thought he and you…”
“He and I, what?” Janeway snapped.
“Nothing, sorry, I'm talking too much.”
Janeway sighed. “It’s all right. I think many crew members suspect us of seeing each other. But now, that's history. He’s found love with someone else.” She bit back some tears. She had to be strong now, after all she was still the captain. But seeing the compassionate look of The Doctor she almost broke again. She swallowed hard and blinked a few times.
“Well, I should be packing. I expect to hear from Admiral Paris again within the hour. I’ll keep you informed, Doctor.”
Without waiting for a response, she turned on her heel and flew out of Sickbay. Almost without seeing where she went, she returned to her quarters.
+++++
Chakotay sat in his quarters, racking his brains, trying to figure out how to face Kathryn again and confess that he had already broken up with Seven. His ego was slightly bruised by Seven's cool response to his message, but then again, as an ex-Borg, she had little experience with emotions.
However, he wasn't looking forward to being rejected by Kathryn again either. Just as he was about to replicate a high bouquet of roses, his combadge chirped.
“Janeway to Chakotay.”
“Chakotay here.”
“Please report to my ready room. Admiral Paris wants to see us.”
“On my way.”
He reported to the ready room, to see Janeway talking amically to Admiral Paris.
“Ah, Commander Chakotay,” she greeted him stoically.
“Admiral Paris wants to inform us about the disembarkment and debriefing procedure.”
She acted professional, but Chakotay knew her too well and saw beyond her enthusiastic smile. She looked at him briefly and he saw a flicker of pain and regret in her eyes. It gave him hope that indeed he had misunderstood her earlier.
Admiral Paris explained all about the procedures and what they could expect in the next couple of days. When everything was clear to the command team, they chatted a little more as old friends, before Admiral Paris announced to return to headquarters.
“I'll walk you to the transporter room. Commander, you’re dismissed,” Janeway said, again coldly.
Paris looked at her puzzled, but said nothing. Chakotay just nodded, waited for the Admiral and Captain to leave the Ready Room and decided then to take the other lift back to his quarters.
+++++
Admiral Paris and Captain Janeway walked down the corridor to the transporter room. Janeway seemed a little lost in thoughts.
“Katie, are you alright?” Admiral Paris asked.
“I’m fine, sir,” she answered softly.
He stopped, grabbed her shoulders and made her look up to his face.
“You can’t fool your old captain, Katie. There’s something troubling you and my gut tells me, it’s not your unplanned return to the Alpha Quadrant. Don't worry, the Admiralty won’t interfere in your personal life. The War has asked too much of the Federation and ‘fleet to dismiss any personal issues. Whatever it is you’re denying yourself, don’t let it eat you. Life is too short and unpredictable to deny yourself happiness. You of all people should know that.”
She sighed, then nodded. “Yes, I know. But I think what’s troubling me isn't relevant anymore. I should forget him. It,” she quickly corrected herself.
Paris just raised an eyebrow. “I see. Again, you can’t fool me. Darling, talk to him and figure it out. Something is troubling him too. I saw him look at you in your Ready Room. Whatever there's going on between you, it isn’t over yet. Trust this old man,” he winked.
“But he moved on and now it's too late. He’s going to marry someone else,” she confessed.
“I repeat, go talk to him. Maybe you can save it.”
They reached the Transporter Room and the Admiral stepped onto the platform. Janeway took the controls and entered the transportation coordinates.
“See you tomorrow at your mother's!” The Admiral said, just before Janeway activated the transporter.
Confused, she saw him wink again and then dissolve. She leaned her arms on the console, rethinking what the Admiral just said. She thought back to the conversation earlier in her Ready Room where she’d tried to avoid Chakotay's gaze as much as possible and not let the Admiral know she was deliberately ignoring her First Officer. Apparently, that hadn't worked, and Chakotay had been looking at her frequently. Had she perhaps misunderstood Chakotay earlier? He said he was dating Seven, hadn't he? Oh, what a complicated affair, and right at this moment. She definitely needed coffee.
+++++
Chakotay had popped by his office to pick up some memorabilia he had stored there and headed back to his quarters with a medium sized storage crate in his hands. He stood awkwardly fiddling with the crate and the access panel to his quarters, when he saw the captain coming around the corner. His mind and body froze. She almost bumped into him and also froze when she realized he was there. She was the first to recover.
“Chakotay. Hi. Can I help you?”
His mind raced. If he were to shove that crate into her hands now, she'd have to come inside, and he could start a conversation right away.
“Can you hold this, please?” He immediately asked and thrust the crate into her hands. Stunned, she took it while he quickly punched in his door code. He nearly fell inside, then called over his shoulder, almost casually, "Would you like to come in?”
He was already too far inside to pick up the crate again, so she followed him in surprise. She was briefly afraid that Seven might be here too, but there was no sign that anyone else was inside or that Seven had been here recently. She relaxed a little.
Chakotay rushed over to his replicator and quickly retrieved two coffees from it. She still stood with the crate and couldn’t accept the mug. They looked at each other for a second, then she gave him her lopsided smile, raising the crate a little. His stomach fluttered and he felt a blush rise to his cheeks.
“Ah, put it on the table, will you?” He finally managed to say. She walked the two steps to the table, put down the crate and turned back to take the mug.
“Thanks,” she softly said. “Just what I needed.”
“Helping me move out?” He asked while his stomach dropped. She smiled again, holding the cup under her nose to smell the aroma.
“No, the coffee. I’m not looking forward to moving out actually. I’m not ready to leave Voyager yet. I’m glad the Admiral let us stay for as long as the debriefings take.”
“You’re not going to your family?” Chakotay asked, while he gestured for her to sit down on the couch. It felt familiar again, drinking coffee and having small talk.
“The captain doesn’t leave the ship. Oh, I will visit my mother later today, but I intend to stay on board until everyone has a new place to stay. You heard the Admiral, that will take a couple of days. Have you decided where you will go?”
“Not yet, that depends.”
“Depends on what?”
He took a deep breath, looked her straight in the eye and said: “On you.”
She almost choked in her coffee. She coughed a few times then asked: “On me? Why me?”
“It depends on whether you still want me.”
She lowered her mug, looked at him silently and tried to process what he just said. She felt anger rise up, along with a spark of hope.
“Still want you? Chakotay, just two hours ago you came into my Ready Room to confess what I already feared and broke my heart. And now you’re asking me if I still want you? What are you playing at? And where the hell is Seven?”
“I guess she’s in the Cargo Bay and frankly, I don’t care where she is anymore.” He put down his coffee mug and set Janeway's down too. He fell on his knees before her and grabbed her hands.
“Listen, please don’t be angry with me, because I already know I’m a fool. The moment I told you I was seeing Seven, I saw your heart break and I realized I made the biggest mistake of my life. I then went down to the Cargo Bay and the moment I saw Seven, again I knew I was doing something incredibly stupid. My heart doesn’t belong to Seven, it belongs to you. But out there, you made it clear on many occasions that I couldn’t have you and the last few weeks you pushed me away even further. Had I known we’d have been home now, I'd have waited a little longer. Admiral Janeway came back, not to save our lives, but to save our love. Please, Kathryn, you have to believe me that it’s you and always have been you I want.”
He looked at her pleadingly, waiting for her reaction. She could either break him completely now or make him the happiest man on earth.
She looked at him thoughtfully. Yes, it had hurt her incredibly to hear he was seeing someone else, but it had also been her own fault. Both the doctor and Admiral Paris had tried to convince her that he really did love her and the Admiral had urged her to took her chance.
She looked at their joined hands, lifted them up and pressed a soft kiss on his knuckles.
“Oh, Chakotay, What idiots we are. We were best friends for seven years, and then, we fell at the final hurdle.”
He rested his forehead against hers and pressed a kiss on her knuckles too.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“I think I’m the one who should apologize. I stuck to protocol, but it was only because I was too afraid to lose you.”
“I know, but we’re safe now. We’re home.”
He looked into her eyes. “I’m home,” he said.
She bent her head and kissed him on the lips.
"Welcome home.”
The End