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It was on the second time Charlie drove him to lunch, this time a sandwich place that asked him his choices for everything on the sandwich. Overwhelmed with whether he’d wanted Italian bread or Italian bread with cheese, or ham or turkey, he’s gotten the same thing Charlie had gotten, and found it most satisfactory. Afterwards, Charlie had stopped again as they drove to refuel her car.
Castiel looked over at her fuel gauge, and sure enough it was nearing empty again.
“It seems inefficient for cars to run out of gas so quickly.” Castiel noted, as Charlie grabbed her wallet and prepared to get out. Charlie laughed.
“They don’t normally. I’ve just been driving a lot lately.”
She got out, to do all those steps that were needed before you could get the gas in the car, and Castiel watched, thinking. He remembered how she’d said that the bunker was over three hours away from here. After over a week living as a human he had a better concept of hours than he’d had previously, and he felt a sudden rush of guilt at the trouble she was taking for him.
Later that day, while Charlie sat on his bed and worked on her computer (she explained that she was very useful to her job, but she had to some work remotely as she didn’t want to get fired) Castiel slipped out with his new cell phone. The days were getting warmer as summer approached, and he picked a spot on the curb in the full sun to sit and dial.
“Hello?”
“Sam? It’s Castiel.”
It was similar to the first time he’d called Sam; a slight pause in shock, a quick intake of breath and then movement.
“Yeah, one sec.”
Sam muffled the microphone, and spoke to who could only be Dean. Dean’s voice, not understandable, but familiar in cadence, fell away as Sam moved to another room, presumably not to be overheard. Castiel, hearing Dean, felt a pain in his chest, but he shook himself quickly.
“Hi, Castiel,” Sam said, once it was just his breath on the line. “How are you doing?”
His voice was warm and sounded stronger than he’d heard in a long time.
“I’m fine. And you, you’re well?”
Sam chuckled. “Better than I ever remember, honestly.”
“Good.” Castiel replied, and then paused. “Are there motels closer to where you are?”
Sam was quiet for a minute.
“Uh, I’m sure there are some, yeah. Why do you ask?”
Castiel sat back, dropping his gaze to the concrete under his feet. There was an overabundance of litter in this parking lot.
“Charlie has had to fill up the gas tank in her car at least twice in the last week. I understand this is excessive.”
“That’s true, and it makes sense for you to be nearby...” Sam took a breath. “But, honestly Cas, if you want to be closer, you could just come here. Dean’s doing a lot better, he’ll come around--”
“Sam. Not yet.” Castiel filled his human lungs and then exhaled. “I hope soon. I am adjusting to this. Taking it day by day as Charlie advised. But facing Dean after all this...seems an insurmountable barrier.” Castiel’s voice was soft, tired. He didn’t know what else to say.
Quiet lengthened over the line. Castiel shifted, expected Sam to argue some more, but instead he heard a slight sigh.
“Cas...I know I can’t know what you’re going through with losing your grace...I can’t know how you’re feeling right now. But I do know how it feels to not want to face him. I mean, I started the apocalypse, after months of hiding things and lying to Dean. He told exactly where all my crap would lead, and I did it anyway.”
Castiel clutched the phone to his ear, barely breathing.
“After that, I didn’t want to look at Dean, and know that at any minute he could be thinking ‘I told you so’. But I realized...Dean never thinks that. He told us and told us, but he never wanted to be right...
“You and I, we broke a lot. Did a lot of shit we should have known better - but after everything the worst part is knowing that we’d broken Dean’s faith in us. “
Castiel shuddered a little, feeling that same pain in his chest tighten further like a corkscrew.
“Yeah,” He breathed, and closed his eyes. But Sam wasn’t done.
“But it’s not lost, Castiel, I promise you. It can be rebuilt. It’ll be hard, but it’s worth it. Dean’s worth it.”
Castiel sucked in a breath, a bit shakily. He was right. Dean was.
By the next morning, Charlie was driving him and his meagre backpack of clothes random items towards Lebanon, and a new motel room. Castiel kept his bag on his lap, feeling more anxious the closer they got. But he also almost wished they were going all the way to the bunker today. He realized that this was wearing on him. He was terrified, but he was nearing a time when he just wanted it to be over with. Wanted Dean to know, no matter what his reaction was. Wanted this endless waiting to be over.
Charlie glanced over at him as she drove, and turned down the music she was playing. She and Dean seemed to share a habit of blaring their favorites while driving.
“You okay?” She asked. Castiel nodded, looking ahead.
“I’m fine.”
The thoughts he’d had as they drove kept coming back to him as they acquired two rooms, and moved their bags in. Castiel was tired of this, of asking Charlie to drive him around, and help him when she obviously had her own life to get back to, or Sam to keep lying to his brother, and the almost overwhelming guilt of knowing that Dean thought he was dead, was grieving him.
But it was more than just relieving guilt. He was beginning to feel settled into his human body. His wounds were healing, and his pains diminished. He was starting to think about the future, about what he wanted to do during these next forty years.
But he was stuck until he told Dean.
It wasn’t until he set his coffee cup down on the new motel rooms table with a hard click of finality, that he realized he’d made his decision. Charlie, still engrossed in her work on her laptop while they drank the coffee, looked up at the sound, and then seemed to notice something in his face.
“You okay, Castiel?”
Castiel nodded, resolved.
“I’m ready, Charlie.”
Charlie blinked. “Ready for what?” Then her eyes widened before he could respond. “Oh, you mean like, ready ready? Ready to tell Dean?”
A nod, and Castiel felt a tension grow in his shoulders. The fear and nerves he’d felt for days whenever he thought of seeing Dean again started up, and almost made him reconsider. But no, he’d decided.
“As I’ll ever be, I suppose.” He twisted the coffee cup around in his hands, the cardboard material making an odd scraping noise against the slide of the wood. Charlie looked shocked, and that made Castiel squint up at her.
“You look surprised.”
“Well, no, I’m just...are you sure?”
Castiel looked at the cup in his hands, just one more sign of his new humanity. If he was going to live like this, he couldn’t hide forever.
“I’m sure.”
Charlie gave him a measured gaze, and then seemed to also come upon a decision.
“Okay. I’ll call Sam, set up a time.”
She went to get up, presumably going to call Sam right then, but Castiel reached out before she could stand, grabbing her hand in his.
“Charlie, I want to thank you. You didn’t have to help me as much as you did. I’ve appreciated your companionship these past days.”
Charlie looked surprised again, but in a better way, and she smiled at him widely.
“You’re welcome, Castiel. Really, it was nothing.” She said, squeezing his hand. Then her gaze softened further. “I was glad to do it, and it wasn’t just for Dean and Sam either you know. You’re a pretty great guy, yourself.”
Castiel ducked his head, and Charlie pulled away. “I’m going to go call Sam now, kay?”
He nodded, and she walked out to the parking lot, leaving him to his thoughts. Soon, tomorrow maybe, he’d seen Dean and finally get this tension off his chest. Maybe, once this was out, he could finally start ...whatever this human life of his would be.