Chapter Text
FRIDAY 10th, 2008
failure is not an option. that's what Mr fury had told me at my inauguration ceremony. He warned me of responsibility and my obligations to the world as an avenger. I took an oath and swore to dedicate my time and skills to protecting my planet, my people, and fighting for justice and peace across the world using my abilities. I understood what I was getting into. I knew the risks and accepted the very good chance that I would meet my demise as spider woman.
During my years as spider woman, I often dwelled on this fact. I tried to think of it as a curious question, and not something that could quickly become a reality, But never in my wildest dream did I think this is how I would go out.
The day the aliens attacked dr strange and shit got real, my life changed forever. I interfered, and got caught up in the middle of a desperate plan to prevent a universe wide genocide. I did everything right. I came up with the plan to save dr strange form the alien, and executed it flawlessly. I fought tooth and nail to defend the stones and battle thanos. I fought with courage and strength, being one of the only who even managed to hit thanos and actually hurt him. I gave my everything to ensure the safety of my world, just as I had sworn.
And for a moment. I succeeded.
For a moment, We won.
Mantis was in his head, and he was frozen in place. Tony, I held the most powerful thing in the universe at the time in my own hands. The gauntlet was mesmerizing, decorated with assorted stones of different colours, cuts and sizes, buzzing with power that sent a gentle vibration through my body and made my teeth chatter. I stared down at it in shock and awe, admiring the beauty and sheer power of the object.
I clutched it in my hands like a child on Christmas morning holding a present. And for a moment, for the first time in days, I breathed a heavy sigh and exclaimed “I got it, I got it!”
We were going to do this. We were going to win. I was so sure of it. I was so wrong. Thanos, moving to quickly for even me to react, slipped his hand into the gauntlet as if I was holding a glove open for him, and I was then uppercut into the air by a 700 pound giant, sending me flying with a sharp and eye watering sting in my nose. As I flew, I could feel blood pooling out of my nose, and a deep pressure inside my sinuses.
I was unconscious as I hit the ground about 50 feet away from the group, and when I came to, thanos was gone, leaving us to regroup and lick our wounds. Tony walked over, without his suit, and scooped me up from under my arm. We stumbled back over to the group, and as I glanced around at the devastated and empty faces of misfit men and women I had grown to call my friends these past few days, and we stood in a circle for a few peaceful moments in silence
And thats when I felt it. I’d felt people die before. I’d heard hearts stop, breathing grow ragged and then cease, but I had never experienced something like this before. It came from everywhere, a sting of death, followed wave of anxiety and panic, then grief and devastation. I felt it as it rippled across my world, sending chills down my spine and making goosebumps on my arms as it went. Something was very very wrong.
Mantis was the first to go.
“Somethings happening”she said quietly, looking unlike herself. Pale faced and still, with a dazed but scared look on her face, she glanced around at the group. We held our breath and watched, waiting for something to happen. It was barely noticeable at first, but it quickly spread.
Soon, mantis arms were crumbling and fading into the distance as a brown dust. She didn’t scream, or show any signs of discomfort. Just fear. We watched in stunned horror as she crumbled like a snow bank in the wind right in front of us, first her arms, then her feet and legs, her centre, and finally her face, until there was nothing left.
Then Drax went, turning to ash just like mantis had,. Then quill. All of them glanced at the others with begging eyes, but there was nothing any of us could do but watch.
I swallowed back bile and resisted the urge to projectile vomit all over Tony in fear and shock. What really got me was how scared they all looked as they helplessly turned to dust and blew away in the breeze.
I looked at dr strange for a moment, to see if he would do anything to stop this. But as powerful as he is, I knew there was nothing he would do. He stood still standing wearing a face I couldn’t quite read. He looked confused.
People always try to make death sound like something peaceful and gentle, a candle being snuffed out. But watching them die, watching their faces fall, seeing them struggle to brace for their last seconds was terrifying. So terrifying I didn’t realize how numb I was until I looked down and noticed my hands were dusting.
“Mr stark, I don’t feel so good..” I said, staring at my fingers falling apart.
“You’re fine” he said shortly as his voice cracked. He sounded more like he was trying to convince himself that I was okay
Something no one warns you about as a hero is failing. No one prepares you for it, because you really can’t prepare for it.
No one tells you how to stomach the nausea and light headedness, no one talks about the anger, the despair and the guilt you’ll feel, and how it feels to have to bear responsibility for something incredibly tragic. Something I could have prevented.
But the thing you really can’t prepare for, is how despite the fact that A. Out of everyone who is being affected by your short coming, you’re probably the one best equipped to protect yourself and others, and B. You’re probably one of, if not the only person who really knows what’s happening right now and why.
You still feel just as scared and small and weak as everyone else. And as I stood there feeling my body deteriorating rapidly, I felt scared. And small. And weak.
“I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go, sir please”
I cried, choking on my sobs and Clawing at Tony’s back as if he could do anything. I buried my face in his shoulder and felt warm tears fall down my cheeks and blood steadily dripping onto his hoodies shoulder, still softly begging for him to somehow stop this. It was like the worst pins and needles I’ve ever had, and then a cold and terrifying empty where your limbs once were.
He laid me back on the ground with nebula looking on in devastation, silently crying. Tony stared down at me, looking lost and scared, and there was nothing he could do. My legs and arms were gone, leaving just my torso to fade. I thought back to just moments ago, that feeling of hope I had holding the gauntlet. I should have ran away with it, or put it on. Anything but sit there like a moron with a grin.
“I’m sorry” I struggled to speak at this point, with my lungs now burning from collapsing. I looked up at Tony’s face, and then past him. I can’t bear my last sight to be his heartbroken face. But I wasn’t just apologizing to him. I was apologizing to everyone. I held the fate of the world in my hands for seconds, and I did nothing. I failed.
Looking past him at a sunset I’ve never seen before and never will see again, my mind raced a mile a minute. I thought of Ben, and may. I thought of how nebula, dr strange and Tony would get home. I thought of my skateboard that I would never ride again. I thought of my chemistry homework that still sat in my bag due on Monday. I thought of the skyline of New York racing past me on a hot summers day as I soared though the sky. I thought of my mother’s engagement ring I would never get to propose with. I thought of the graduation gown I would never wear.
But most of all, I held on to that hope I felt just a few minutes ago. As naive as it was to hope when I felt as half the universe fade to dust just as I was now, but I didn’t wanna spend my last moments in despair or regret.
I thought of gwen, her honey blonde hair and sharp blue eyes. Her headbands and pearls and vanilla perfume. I tried to ignore the fact that I was nothing but a fading head. As I stared at the sky that seemed somehow tragic, as if it were on fire, I exhaled and felt myself completely fade away.
And despite the tears that would never fall to my cheeks because in a few seconds, my face would be gone, despite my once pounding heart being replaced by a hollow and terrifying nothing, I, despite everything in my remaining body scream fear, refused to die scared. I died thinking of those I loved the most, and I held on to hope that someday, somehow, we could fix this.
—————————————————————————
When I woke, it was dark. I felt as a wave of goosebumps climb up my arms and my teeth chatter. Dried blood tickled my upper lip from my previous nose bleed as my eyes adjusted to the dim yet agonizing glow of light pollution.
I fluttered my lashes for a moment as the dew beneath me began to soak through my suit, slowly moving my stiff neck and shoulders to sit up, and glanced around to take in my surroundings.
Propped up on my elbows, I looked around to see a jungle of a garden inside a dome shaped greenhouse. A beautiful arrangement of red and pink flowers danced in the gentle breeze made by multiple fans humming just loud enough to drown out the distant sirens, but not enough to silence the ringing in my ears.
It was.. beautiful.
Leafy bushes and small trees ranged from a Brilliant scarlet to a deep purplish burgundy, all healthy and lush, leaves full of life. Poppies, Lilies, roses and all sorts of flowers I can’t name arranged perfectly, some as centre pieces and others as decorative add ons. Under the moonlight, everything had a ghoulish blue light on it, making the whole room feel like it belonged in a fantasy movie.
After taking a moment to collect myself, Confusion hit me like a train as I cursed to myself.
How did I get here??
I was just in space, dead, And now I’m in some greenhouse? Slowly standing up despite the pounding in my head and nausea slamming me as I do so, with my mouth agape. I looked around completely dumbfounded at the plants, trying to run over possible scenarios to explain my very red awaking.
Did doctor strange teleport me back to earth? I was dead??? How did he do that? Even if he did, where the hell am I? Am I dead and this is heaven? Why are there sirens in heaven?
I tried to recall everything I could remember from before.
I was on the moon fighting, thanos punched me, teleported. We regrouped and then..
My eyes stung at the fresh memory of watching my friends die shortly before my own death. I stiffened my trembling lip as pictures of Tony, quill and Draxs faces raced in my mind and pushed forward in my memory.
Everything felt fuzzy, probably from a concussion, and I pinched my brows hard in thought, trying to remember what happened after I dusted and how I got here. Brain fog and a irritating ringing in my ears stop me form being able to properly gather my thoughts
I was.. falling.
In and out of consciousness, falling as different people and land spaces raced past me, like I was running past props of different movie scenes. It was like dropping a screw into a cup of water, oil, honey and maple syrup, except I was the screw, and I was being ripped apart and put back together all over again, just like I had in space, but it was too quick to even register the pain form it. I did, however, feel the heat of moving so fast. I felt like I was on fire, and then I just stopped, landing in a tree and falling to the ground.
Craning my neck to look directly above me, as I had expected, branches of a lush red maple were snapped and bare, with leaves the size of my face and the colour of a candy apple scattered randomly across the ground of the crime scene.
Looking back down, I get incredibly dizzy and nauseous, and fall back to sit down. Holding my churning stomach and trying to stop the world and my mind from spinning, I shut my eyes as my mind races as fast as it can go, which isn’t very fast due to me being completely disoriented.
After a few minutes of laying down in the cool grass, the nausea and dizziness doesn’t completely leave me, but it does subside. Was I this shaken from the punch back in the planet? Definitely not. Maybe falling from the sky and through the tree did it?
I must just be in New York somewhere. Dr strange found out some way to bring the dusted back? Or maybe just me? Maybe everyone got the stones and undid the damage thanos did with them while I was gone? My mind spins with possibilities, but I’m still completely stumped. Where am I? Why am I here? HOW am I here?
Is everyone safe? Everyone okay?
Where is Tony?
I’m exhausted, confused and cold. But most of all, she was exhausted. After the failed attempt to stand left me on the verge of vomiting, I decide to just sleep here in the grass. Falling asleep will be a pain, but I’ll manage.
__________________________________________
Sleep gave me no rest. I was haunted by what had just happened. In my dreams, I relived what I had experienced on that moon over and over, somehow it was more terrifying in the dream than it had in real life.
Thanos looked like a corpse. He was still huge, but something was.. off. He looked pale, with a wild grin on his face that was unnatural. This half baked thanks did nothing but mock and petrify me all night, like he got some sick thrill from it.
He would pursue me, and only me, every time. Screaming to me about how weak, how helpless I was, making me watch as he ripped apart the gaurdians, dr strange, tony and somehow, Gwen over and over and over. Every time I went at him, he would knock me back with a hard blow to my chest, winding me. I was a total mess, hyperventilating and crying on the cold rocks of the moon trying to catch my breath through dusty thin air and find my footing. But every-time I hit him, he was unimpressed, acting as one would when a toddler threw a tantrum and hit them.
I couldn’t run fast, or shoot my webs. My arms were jelly, my punches were soft. I felt like I was trying to hit a giant punching bag every time. And I wasn’t the only one. Tony had no suit, dr strange and mantis had no magic, Peter and nebula had no weapons, Drax had no strength. We were all at his mercy, defensless and powerless.
The most terrifying part of the dream wasn’t how weak I was compared to him, how my repeated blows left him unscathed, or the gore of watching him rip apart my friends limb form limb and rebuild them with the stones just to do it again, but how he mocked me.
“Don’t you wanna help your friends?” He’d scream after knocking me down to the ground for what must of been the 20th time, tearing the arm off of a screaming Peter quill. I fought my screaming lungs to breathe, feeling my ribs bruising in real time. I fought to bring myself to my feet as he threw Peter to the ground, leaving him to wail in agony with everyone else.
I cried with animalistic anger and horror, seething at him. this was wrong. Thanos was a tyrant, a monster, but he did not take pleasure in hurting others. He saw it as his burden, not as a past time. This was all wrong.
He had this maniacal smile that was too big, almost uncanny, and his eyes gleamed with a lust for suffering. It made me sick to my stomach and would have made a lesser minded person piss themselves right then and there.
I ran at him, knowing my attempt was futile and stupid. But still, I ran. He made no advance on me, just stood there watching as I charged with a sick grin, waiting.
Once I was in arms reach, he grabbed me, lifting me up in the air form my neck. I prepared myself to be thrown again, but this time, I stayed suspended in the air. He raised me up to meet his eyes as I kicked and struggled, slamming my fists and digging my nails into his hands.
“You really are a pathetic bunch, aren’t you?” He asked, chucking to himself with a twisted amusement. He tightened his grip around my neck, choking me, and I could feel my entire head grow tingly and hot with pressure. I felt like I was gonna burst.
“You didn’t seriously believe you could defeat me?” He questioned, tilting his head with a mocking pout. My eyes watered and I could feel my strength sapping from me due to a lack of oxygen. I gasped in his hands, still fighting ferociously for air, but I knew I couldn’t have had more than 30 seconds before I was unconscious from a lack of oxygen.
“Your time is up, little spider. And you will die knowing you failed to uphold your oath as an avenger, just as the rest of your team had. You and your people failed!” He screeched in my ears, squeezing my neck harder and harder with every word. Tears streamed down my face and I was no longer kicking or punching, my anger replaced with pure primal fear. This was it.
“You’ll never save them. It’s too late now.” He whispered to me, bringing my face closer to his. The last thing I heard as I faded away form consciousness was the screams of pain form my friends and Gwen, crying out to me for help, his psychotic laughter gradually growing in intensity and volume, and then, a sickening snap.
Then everything went black.