Work Text:
Reality of you
It's hard to think about the time when your heartbeat stuttered before jumping into overdrive, when your mind went blank for a second as if blacking out, when your stomach dropped and thousands of sharp knives pierced you changing your brain chemistry forever.
It's hard but it still is part of you, a part that will stay with you forever.
“Troy Barrett traded to Ottawa”
Title splashed over all possible hockey related media.
Title that was a start of pushing Ilya over his limit without him even knowing it.
Ilya was still trying to get himself back together after his father's death, but at least Shane was talking with him again.
It felt like balm to his scabbed over wounds to be kissed and held by Shane.
He was itching to tell Shane how much he was in love.
He could spend all his life pressed against Shane, just gazing at him with love filled eyes.
He craved to lean up and tell Shane that he loved him, with his whole heart, his soul, yet the words wouldn't come out.
He was scared, so so scared of saying these words out loud because the last two times he said them ended in disasters.
He still remembered him kissing his Mama's cheek and telling her that he loved her only to come home a couple hours later to find her dead.
He remembered telling his father at the end of the summer that he loved him, only to never see him alive again.
So he swallowed the words back and simply kissed Shane, trying to pour the love into the kiss, silently begging for Shane to feel it and understand.
It was after practice when Marly showed him a pap photos of Shane in Ottawa together with Barrett, walking down the street, shoulders bumping, laughing about something.
Something cold twisted inside Ilya.
It was like going through Rose Landry shit all over again, only this time somehow worse.
There was that look on their faces, look similar to how Ilya looked at Shane.
His head started spinning with a hundred bouncing thoughts.
It slowly dawned on Ilya what a fool he had been all along.
Why would he think that Shane didn't sleep around?
Just because he was in love didn't mean that Shane felt the same.
Ilya was an idiot, it was his own fault, like always.
Ilya didn't even want to pick up the phone when Shane called that night.
It was almost like when you got hurt and pressed your hand against the wound, not wanting to look because then it would be real and only hurt more.
But Ilya was weak.
So he answered, trying to sound normal while listening to Shane chatter about his day.
“ Saw you spending time with Barrett today. " Ilya wanted a cigarette.
“ Yeah, helped him settle into his new flat. "
“ Didn't know you knew each other. " Ilya got up and walked to the living room where he left his pack of cigarettes.
“ Yeah, we bumped into each other one summer and kinda kept in touch. " Ilya could hear Shane shrug.
“ Did you hook up? " Ilya always liked to say shit outright, what was the point of dressing everything in flowers.
There was silence on the other side for a moment before Shane cleared his throat.
“ Yeah. " Shane sounded uncomfortable.
And oh.
Something twisted inside Ilya.
He had been right.
Of course he was.
“ Nice. Just once or…? " Ilya pulled a cigarette out and padded outside to the balcony.
“ We kinda hooked up whenever we were in the same city… “ Shane murmured, clearly uncomfortable.
" So just like with me. Getting some experience in, I see. “ The words tasted like ash on his tongue. “ Did you fuck today too? “
" I’m really not comfortable talking about this. “
That was confirmation enough, making Ilya feel sick.
" Sure, sure. Any plans for this summer? “ Ilya twirled the cigarette over and over, looking out at the city lights.
" Just going to my cottage. I spend my summers there. It's really nice and private. You can fully relax. “ Shane already sounded lighter now that they weren't talking about Troy Barrett anymore.
“ It sounds like a nice place. " Ilya stepped to the railing, looking down at the street below.
“ It really is. I wouldn't mind sharing it this summer. " Shane said somehow hopefully.
Ilya pressed his hand against the cold railing, feeling the coldness seep into his skin.
“ You should invite Troy Barrett. He’s in Ottawa anyway. “ Ilya felt somehow detached from the conversation, his heart breaking.
" I.. What? “ Shane sounded confused.
" Invite Troy Barrett. You two looked cute together. And the way he was looking at you, he probably would love to be your boyfriend. “ Ilya didn't even understand what the fuck he was saying.
He just knew that his brother had been right all along - Ilya could never be enough.
" I actually wanted to invite you. “ Shane rushed out, clearly confused.
Ilya laughed with no humor, his heart twisting painfully.
" Nevermind. “ Shane mumbled into the phone.
" Go lock that boy down, Hollander. It was nice fucking you. I have to go. " Ilya didn't wait for a response, he ended the call, letting his weight sag against the railing.
A flutter of thought of how easy it would be to let his body fall all the way down to the street floated through his mind before he blinked it away, straightening up and lighting his abandoned cigarette.
He was used to being alone, surely he could survive a broken heart.
After all, what was a bit more pain anyway.