Work Text:
Act One. The Introduction.
Stage set: Interior of a tavern in a small town. Wooden furniture, an old stone fireplace.
Gordon: Alright, everyone. Let's start. I hope you all read the rulebook?
Gordon looks around the table.
Gordon: Why are you blinking at me like that? Ugh. I get it. Fine. Let me explain it again...
An hour later.
Gordon: Okay. I think this time everyone understood everything necessary. Now, show me your character sheets.
Thomas: Oh, me first, me first! Here.
Gordon: "Theo, the Archer." Classic. Okay, what's next? The warrior, huh. The mage, okay. The paladin. And... wait. The bard?
Percy: Yes.
Gordon: Are you sure?
Percy: Yes.
Gordon makes a baffled face.
Gordon: May I ask why you chose it? It’s kind of strange for you.
Percy: That's simple. Since this is a game, I want to be someone I never was. I want to be loud, that makes me feel bold. I do what I want to, not what I'm told.
Gordon: Oo-kay... Whatever. Now, let us begin.
Gordon reaches for the light switch and flicks it. Now the table is illuminated only by a single overhead lamp. Gordon puts on a solemn face and begins.
Gordon: In the distant town of Ebbereen, a small corner of the world lost among the forests, there is a tavern. Its name is "The Drunken Goose." It was here that the heroes agreed to meet after exactly five years of wandering the world alone. Each had traveled many roads, and finally one led them back home. So - you are all sitting in the tavern. What will you do?
Toby: I'm going to look around. I sweep my gaze across the tavern. What do I see?
Gordon: Wise decision. You look around. Suddenly, by the blazing hearth, you notice a man. He doesn't look like the other people in the tavern. He's an old man, dressed in a long green robe. A staff leans against the wall beside him. He returns your gaze with one of his own - piercing and assessing. What will you all do next?
Percy: I'll order ale.
Gordon: You what?
Emily: Me too.
Thomas: Me too.
James slams his hand on the table.
James: I'm ordering all the ale the tavern has! I'll offer my shield to the tavern keeper as payment in case I don't have enough money.
Gordon blinks blankly for a few seconds, then starts to get angry.
Gordon: This is not the way you’re supposed to play this game!
James: Is it forbidden?
Gordon: Technically - no. But-
James: Yay! What's the problem then?
Gordon rolls his eyes. Toby looks like he wants to say something. Then he hesitates and just smiles lightly.
Gordon: Okay, okay. The tavern keeper brings you two dozen mugs of ale. What are you going to do next?
James: I'm having a competition with - looks around the table - Jane to see who can drink the most ale!
Gordon: Think at least a little! You two are the team's main battle forces. Do you really want to get drunk on ale until you pass out?
James: Is it forbidden?
Gordon: Ugh...
Percy: I'm the referee! Let's go!
Act Two. The Runaway.
Stage set: The town's prison. Cobblestone walls of a cell.
Gordon sighs. Toby gives him an understanding glance with a small smile.
Gordon: Okay. According to the results of the "ale competition," Bjorn and Jane have received Poisoning. You two now have Disadvantage + Penalty (-6) to all your characteristics, especially Dexterity and Charisma. Basically, you can't even stand on your feet. Great job.
James smiles proudly.
James: At last, I won.
Gordon: Hmph. Well. Suddenly, a loud crack at the tavern doors makes you all flinch! The next second, the door is smashed open and a group of city guards rushes in. They're armed. They look around the tavern, but it seems like they don't see what they’re looking for. They begin asking about the old man in the green robe. One of them steps toward your table. What will y'all do?
Thomas: Uh. I look back at the fireplace. What's there?
Gordon: You see nothing. The old man has disappeared. But then you all hear a voice in your heads - "Run, run away, and meet me in the heart of the forest. No time to waste!" What are you going to do?
James: I'll fight!
Gordon: ...excuse me?
Emily: Me too! I grab my sword and swing it!
Gordon slaps his face with his palm.
Gordon: I don't even know what to say. Roll the dice. Now - James. Great. 1 and 3. You two are knocked down by the weakest guard, who doesn't even try. They put chains on you and are about to lead you to prison. Okay, Thomas, Percy, Toby - now you can do what the old man asked. What will you do?
Thomas: I'm not going to leave my friends in prison!
Percy: Yes!
Gordon looks at Toby, exhausted.
Gordon: Toby... even you?
Toby: I'm sorry. But it will be better this way.
The next five minutes are spent rolling dice. The end result is that the entire team is taken to the city jail and locked in a cell overnight until their trial the following morning.
Gordon: My congratulations. You've all ended up in a prison cell. It's midnight. By morning, you'll face the court. You've all been put in one cell, guarded by a single guard. What are you going to do?
Percy: Hmm. I ask him to let us out.
Gordon looks at him with a complicated expression on his face.
Percy: I say "please."
Percy rolls the Charisma die. It spins and lands on 20. Gordon stares at it with his mouth wide open.
Gordon: I will never the hell believe this. The guard opens the cell door. You're all free to go.
Act Three. The Disaster.
Stage set: Day. The city is burning. Scraps and debris everywhere.
Gordon: All right. You all somehow sneaked out of prison and even returned your weapon. You're on the city streets. It's morning. People are walking around. But what's that? Suddenly, you hear a scream. Then an alarm horn. The sky above you is covered by enormous dragon wings - the city is under attack! What will you do?
James: Yes! A fight!
Emily: Let’s do this!
Thomas: I’m climbing onto the roof of the nearest building. I want to look around. What do I see?
Gordon: Finally. Roll Wisdom + Perception. Nice. You look out from the top of the tall church bell tower nearby. You see smoke from the fires. And hundreds - hundreds - of figures. They're dragonborn. The army of the Dragon Kingdom has come to erase this city from the face of the world! Luckily there are heroes who could stop them - aside - I hope at last.
Thomas: I take aim and shoot my first arrow!
Emily: I'll rush into the center of their formation! Bjorn, are you in? Herbert?
Toby: I summon rays of frost at the nearest group.
James: I strike the nearest opponent with a crushing blow with my axe!
The next few minutes are spent rolling dice. First, Jane dies. Then Theo suffers severe injuries. Gordon grins maliciously.
Gordon: The dragonborn have flooded the city. Charging them head-on probably wasn't a good idea, was it? You hear the air whooshing above you, a massive dragon lands in the main square. She swipes her paw and knocks Dan off his feet. Pinning him to the ground, the dragon inhales deeply. She bares her fangs in a monstrous grin. What will you do, Percy?
Percy: I'll ask her to let me go. I say "please."
Under Gordon's strange gaze, Percy reaches for his dice. Charisma roll. 20.
Gordon: AAAARGH!!!
Gordon flips the table.
Gordon: I will never - do you hear me? - never be a dungeon master again! Toby! Go and suffer instead of me, I've had enough!!
Percy looks puzzled. Toby covers his smile with his hand.
The curtain falls.