Chapter Text
Kanade couldn't blame Mafuyu.
How could anyone? The girl hadn't asked for or expected this any more than Kanade had. Likely even less. She'd probably be distraught if she knew. ....In her own way, at least. Maybe she'd hold onto the flowers, as a memory. Maybe she'd let them rot with absolute disdain. Maybe she'd gift them to another in a way to let her live on. Maybe she wouldn't even get ahold of the flowers at all.
It didn't really matter, in the end. Kanade wouldn't be around to see it. And she wasn't quite sure why, wasn't quite sure what was wrong with her, but she didn't truly mind it. She couldn't bear this life anyways.
Wandering as barely a shadow in a house that held the ghost of dead love and innocence. Her own mistakes plagued her, as well as those of others, so much that they blended together, leaving her uncertain of what she had and hadn't done. She constantly felt like she was going crazy.
Sometimes she thought about her death. It was coming, she knew it. Cowardice was both a sword and shield, protecting her from rejection, yet dooming her to this fate. It wasn't horrible, she supposed. Many had succumbed to worse. Diseases that were more severe, injuries that couldn't be recovered from, or perhaps a death handed by their very own hands—minds—turned against both them and the world.
She was plenty glad she wasn't doomed to anything like that. Sure, something fast and quiet and peaceful would've been preferred, she had always sort of known that wasn't a reward she'd yet earned. Would never earn. But there was nothing she could do about it by now. Not when it had progressed... this far.
Kanade reopened Nightcord. She placed her headphones down on the desk, attempting to stand but giving up. Even the smallest of actions were tiring nowadays. Her tired, glazed eyes skimmed over the chat, a small warmth blooming in her chest. Although a spark will not melt a tundra, it provided some temporary comfort from the agony rooted in her chest.
Amia: K~
Amia: ik youre onliiiiine
Amia: KKKKKKKK
Enanan: leave her alone, shes probably sleeling
Enanan: *sleeping*
Enanan: yk she leaves her computer on at night
Amia: sighhhhhh
Amia: who will i have to bother now? ahhhh, i GUESS im stuck with enanannnn
Enanan: NONONONONOOO. NO.
Yuki: Yuki is typing...
Amia: WAAHHH??? YUKI, UP SO LATE?? I THOUGHT YOU SAID U COULDNT LOG ON 2DAY???
Yuki: Kanade puts her status on "Absent" when shes asleep. She's online.
Yuki: My mother had to take a surprise work trip. I still have to do the homework she wanted me to do, but I can log on tonight.
Amia: THAT MEANS K IS HEEEREEEE
Kanade chuckled a little, but immediately regretted it when a cough threatened to break free from her throat. She swallowed it down, forcing it to stay put. Coughing up petals was one thing, but recently she'd started hacking up entire blooms—and that was an entirely different thing. She was too tired to handle that tonight.
K: I'm here
K: I'm almost finished the demo for our new song but im not feeling very well
K: i can probably finish it tomorrow morning though
Amia: OH NOOOOO :(((
Enanan: Sounds good, js get some sleep
Enanan: and drink water youre probably dehydrated too (￣^￣)
Yuki: Sounds good, K. Get some rest, our deadline is still weeks away.
K logged off at 1:48 A.M.
Kanade sighed, closing Nightcord. She knew she'd have to start distancing herself sooner or later. She was going to die soon, and she already could barely stand without feeling the flowers that crowded her body push against her lungs. Like she was some sort of... living garden. ...She didn't like that thought, not at all.
Tossing that aside, she pushed her legs against the wall behind her desk, sending her rolling chair back through her room and near her bed. She hooked her foot under the mattress, ignoring the discomfort of the bedframe stabbing into it, and pulled the chair closer. From there, she rolled onto the bed, crawling into her spot.
On her right side sat a nightstand. Oak with golden handles. There were small paintings, patterns, doodles, and words scattered across it. Kanade's birthday gift from the girls, since they'd noticed her putting all her things in old, falling apart boxes. She'd even recieved a few videos recorded by Mizuki of the process.
They'd bought it used and then fixed it up first. There were a few things they hadn't been able to fix, like the chip in the wood near the corner, where Kanade liked to rub her thumb against. She remembered Mafuyu apologizing for it beforehand, like they hadn't just given her the most precious thing ever.
Then, they'd decorated it. Ena had an amazing way with colors, making the old object look as if it belonged in an art museum. Everything on it blended together—waves, twilight skies, flowery meadows. Mizuki doodled small things over it to add her own flair. Kitties and hearts and stars, that interlapped with Ena's creations, but still didn't drown them out. Harmonic. On the top, were little notes. Small things, meaningless and priceless all at once.
"PUT A TALLY EVERY TIME YOU SEE A KITTY!!!"
"Love you, K ~ ! ♡"
"Don't push yourself too hard, Kanade."
There were many more, all so distinct that she could immediately tell who wrote them. Round, bubbly words written with the light of a child, flowy cursive done by steady hands, sharp and precise writing from someone just the same.
It was her favorite thing she owned. A mere piece of furniture, rich with love and memories.
...What would they do with it when she's gone? Surely they wouldn't throw it away. Perhaps it'd be put in the SEKAI. She hoped it was taken care of.
On her left, a bucket. Small and olive green. Just enough for a young girl's little hands to hold.
Her mother had gotten into gardening at some point. About a year before her death. Kanade used to help her, watering the plants and planting seeds. They'd researched about plants together, learning all kinds of new things that Kanade would run to tell her father.
It was filled with clematis.
On the wall, pictures. Dozens. Her and the girls at the amusement park. Mizuki trying to get the vocaloids to go along with her antics. Ena drawing, hunched over like some gremlin. Mafuyu with a genuine smile on her face for the first time—a moment she'd been so frantic to capture that the picture was a little messed up. Not anything important, since Mafuyu's face was still intact.
A cough finally madd itself free, and she immediately leaned over her bed to hack up the intruding plants. Petals spilled from her lips, bloody and disgusting. She shoved her hand in her mouth, wrenching a bloom from her throat. It burned. Badly.
She was used to it by now.
Kanade tossed the bloom into that small green bucket, her hand red with blood. She rolled back over, getting her breathing under control.
She wouldn't say the pain was... good. It hurt, after all. Nothing that hurts feels good. But it made her feel satisfied, in a way. The flowers didn't often cut her throat, but it sort of numbed the pain. Perhaps not good pain, but relieving pain. The sharp burn was much better than the pressure.
Staring up at the ceiling, a sense of melancholy came over her. Perhaps grief mixed within. She wasn't sure.
Kanade would not live much longer. She would not live for Mafuyu graduating med school. She would not live for Ena becoming a well known artist. She would not live for Mizuki becoming an amazing fashion designer. All of that was just to be stolen from her, and for something so trivial—love.